With Crystal Eyes

"You know, love, things are going to be hard. There are going to be some days in life where you want to live and never look back at anything, and then there are going to be days where you want to scream and have it all be over. Whatever you choose, I'm here for you every step of the way, got it?"

When Alexandre Scott said something to you, you listened. It didn't matter if you believed his words or if you thought he was the biggest jackass on the planet, you listened. The aura that he carried was one of unmistakable confidence and if you looked deep-down enough, faux arrogance. He was one of those people that was so beautiful you wanted to kill them, but one that was so captivating you wanted him to fall in love with you at the same time, so you could look at his dazzling smile and not be considered a freak.

He had this facade about him that screamed dangerous and darkness, only to keep him from being considered a person that you could go over and randomly talk to. He over-thought everything, no matter it's level of importance. Everything had to go his way, or, by God, the world was crashing down upon his leather clad shoulders. Everything about him was signature, non-generic, and completely frustrating.

And I was that stupid girl that was sure she'd fallen in love with him.

Somehow, it worked slightly. He had this unspoken warning from me that stated, clearly, "If you fuck up, you'll get your face smashed in. If you fuck me up, you'll get other things smashed in."

Through it all, I loved him. Maybe too much, but who can really be loved too much? Young girls should not use this theory when it comes to chasing after older, dangerous, completely messed up dudes.

I had learned early-on in life that when you loved someone and they said they loved you in return, chances were pretty high that one of you was going to end up broken. And it was always me that ended up broken, shattered, feeling as if I had been betrayed beyond the point of resolution. The demented, sick part of it is when you let that person back into your heart and life over and over again, unable to deny them what they wish for in that moment, even if what they are seeking is you.

One look into those crystal blue eyes and I had no hope, no matter how good my original intentions were. It wasn't as if my qualms with him were due to a typical act such as infidelity, but more-so the inability not to lie. The control he held over my head made my will-power absolutely no match. I was the beholder of an invincible heart in his eyes and no matter how many times he saw tears slip from my own eyes, he swore he would never hurt me again and then took me into his arms. The unbelievable aspect of the situation was that I never truly believed that he was in fact telling the truth, but some tiny, nearly non-existent part of me denied what my head was telling me and, too, at times my heart. I didn't vocally speak of my doubts to him, but we both knew they were there.

Everyone had always told me that he was going to break me and that he was not who I thought he was as a person, but I had been the only one to see the good in him, blind to the bad. I saw the hidden beauty in all of his flaws, his infinite potential and, most importantly, the fact that he wanted me in return, too. And then, being the typical naive, spontaneous young girl that I was, I let myself fall for him. In some ways, falling for him was the best mistake I had ever made. Until he left.

The day he left I swore to myself that he would never have the opportunity to break me again, and then, in one of the cruelest things God has ever allowed to happen to me, he spoke the deadly words, "I love you," and I the armor that I had rebuilt laid crushed, useless inside of me.

Among many things, his addictions were by far the pedestal in which my problems with him began. His reliance on alcohol and various drugs to get through the day were the beginning to my hatred towards the two things, and they were what took my Alex away; the person that through clear, sober eyes was one of the most amazing, ambitious, loving and devoted people I'd ever known. He was everything I wanted in a person, sober.

In all honesty, I had no idea when the love ended and the doubt began. It came slowly, eating at me until I felt as if I was being punished by God for something for doubting the one person who had been there for me since adolescence. When I should be asleep at night next to him I was simply staring at the flawless perfection that was his face, the slowly forming hatred growing within myself. I wanted to love him. I wanted to love him so much that it caused my heart physical pain, but my destiny had other plans for me.

Truly, one of the worst days of my existence had been the day that I had to say good-bye to him, to look and take in the devastation in those crystal blue eyes that would more than likely forever be the death of me. The look told me that we both knew it was over, and there would be no second chances.

I had never expected brutal honestly to feel so much like death--but I guess when you're telling the one you always and will always love that you cannot take the pain he has created for you anymore- that you have endured for too long- it feels as if someone is taking a sword and slowly penetrating your heart. And then, when he he leaned forward and took my face into his hands as if it were fragile and breakable and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, whispering the words, "I'll love you forever, Lo. Always," in my ear, the remains of my heart crumbled.

I knew that much was the truth, though; I knew that it was a mutual feeling, a bond formed so tightly over the span of our relationship that was unbreakable. Still, seeing the one that would forever hold a large portion of your heart pained, because of something you could control was agonizing. It often took of my will-power to not give him a second chance, to not put an end to his anguish.

We had persevered through so much together and given so much of ourselves to the other that being without him made my body feel foreign, as if everything was wrong about my life.

Still he had been there, through the good times and through the bad.



"So you're really leaving." The words came out meant as a question, but came out as a statement.

"Yeah," he answered, his response coming out nearly as choked as mine. For a man that prided himself for being as emotional as a statue, he was completely forgetting about it at the moment. "I have to go, Lo. I can't take him anymore."

"It's your chance," I agreed. "Just----just come back, you know?" I looked up to look at his face once, to see if I could possibly memorize it more clearly than I already had in all of my years of knowing him. That was my first mistake.

"You're going to finish everything, kid. You're going to go on and accomplish everything you're meant for, because you've got the world in your hands. Every step of the way, I'm never going to stop loving you. Maybe, one day things can work out for us. But right now, focus on everything in your world that doesn't involve me. I'm a sure-fire way to fuck things up for you."

"Yeah," I choked out, managing a watery laugh. "You're probably right. But my life is the best when you're here to fuck it up. Just don't kill yourself or anything, because it's a long drive to Columbia, okay? And if you don't call, I'll come up there and castrate you myself, got it?"

"Always," he smirked. "Make me a promise, though?" he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

"Anything."

"Don't put everything on me--this is the first time we've ever been apart in the last years we've known each other, but just hold on. This is the beginning for both of us, and for me, go on with everything as if I were never in your life in the first place. There are so many things that are better for you than I."

That statement left me with an ugly after-taste that told me, in not so many words, I knew it was the beginning of the end.

He didn't say good-bye or 'I love you', just leaned down and kissed me. Something inside of me knew it would be our last one, at least for the unusual relationship we'd managed to form over the time we were together. Our relationship was like no other. It was one of those situations where no matter how much you wanted something to last and be there, you knew they were a free-spirit and that the person loved you, yes, but he could never be a boyfriend.

Alex Scott was not meant to be anything other than a lover, no matter how much he wanted to be a boyfriend or a husband. And although he had admitted on occasion that being a lover was probably the only thing he could ever give to a woman without completely breaking her in the long-run, I never experienced that side of him to be able to make a statement about it.

He just wasn't suited for either one of those things, no matter how much he wanted to be. He could love you and he could be there for you irrevocably, but you knew without being able to predict the future that it would never turn into a healthy, thriving relationship.

His addictions controlled him far too much for that.

Before he had left he had promised I would move on, though, and I did. It was slow and painful and though it took time to adjust, I had found someone else. With the thought that I would always love him- forever, as he had promised- things slowly began to piece together. He had been there through it all, painful as it was for the both of us. He had remained my friend, by my side with a smile plastered on his face, even when I knew for a fact that seeing me with another man- one that brought me happiness- produced more pain inside of him than I could probably ever be able to realize or be capable of understanding.



"I can't do this anymore," I whispered hoarsely, sobs escaping my throat afterward as I looked up at him, his heart-broken blue eyes piercing mine. "I love you, but I can't do this anymore."

He didn't utter a word, just merely nodded his head and ran a hand through his jett black hair fiercely.

"Please say something," I pleaded. "Just talk."

"What do you want me to say?" he asked after a moment, his eyes refusing to meet mine. "That I wish you both the best and I understand? I can't do that, Lo, I'm sorry. I can tell you that I love you and mean that, but I can't tell you he's right for you and be dishonest like that."

"What?" I asked, furrowing my brow as I tried to maintain a regulated breathing pattern. "It's you and no one else?"

"No---well...." he paused, looking at a place far above my head, his face clouded with a look of befuddlement so intense I was tempted to laugh.

"It's always you," I muttered, looking down at the ground below me. "It's always been you, but it can't be anymore. It needs to be someone else. I need to go on with my life and I just can't be with you."

"Why not?" he demanded. "We've never really even tried! We can make this work, you just need to have faith in it!"

"What if I don't want to make it work?" I asked, forcing myself to meet his gaze and take in the look in his eyes. He looked taken aback, as though he had been punched in the stomach and was trying to breathe air into his lungs.

"That definitely changes things," he finally said, his voice sounding strangled. "I---I'm sorry."

And just like that, we reached another ending.



The day that I walked to the mailbox while coming in from work, happy, the giddy feelings completely left my body- along with a gasp of breath- as I sifted through the mail and found an envelope with my name scrawled across it messily. His chicken-scratch was either incredibly detectable or I remembered too much of him. I was going for the latter. My feet had moved quickly to the front door, where I sat down quickly in the small chair beside it, my hands still paralyzed and immobile in their grasp on the envelope. The urge to open it had come first, but as soon as I'd seen the return addressed pre-printed on the left-hand corner of the envelope, I felt nauseous.

"What's that, babe?" Caiden asked, walking into the room was a look of curiosity flashing across his features as he noticed the envelope in my hands.

"Letter from Alex," my mouth had answered for me, the words leaving my mouth without my realization the after-fact.

"What'd he have to say? And why in the world is he sending you a letter in the mail? This is why we have technology like phones and e-mail, you know."

"It's from Oceanfront Rehab and Therapy Facility," I read aloud, blinking as the words finally registered in my brain completely. "Oh!" I let out, though the sound sounded more like a choked squeak.

"Do you want to read it alone or........?" He cocked his head to the side as he looked at me, studying my eyes as if they would give him the immediate response my mouth couldn't form. As if seeing something that I wasn't capable of seeing or feeling myself, he took the remaining few steps to stand in front of me and kiss the top of my head, "I'll be in the living room if you need me, okay?" He paused for a moment, pursing his lips slightly in thought before saying, "I love you." Whether I had known it previously or not, I knew then that I had needed to hear it.

"I love you, too." I smiled weakly up at him, wanting to scream 'Don't leave me!', but I knew he was right; I needed to read this alone. He stroked my cheekbone once with his thumb before smiling the same smile down at me, turning on his heel and retreating to the living room. I saw one emotion that I knew I wasn't intended to see flash in his eyes before he left, though. One that I wished almost instantaneously that I hadn't: fear.

Taking in a deep breath and pushing away all negative thoughts, I ran my index finger under the edge of the closed envelope, opening it with a barely audible sound. I slowly pulled the folded letter out, the rough surface of the ivory paper smoothing over the pads of my fingers as I slowly unfolded it. Sure enough, two pieces of paper were covered with his messy script, one that would have been nearly impossible to read by anyone other than me; as it always had been.

Sloane,

There are really no acceptable ways in which for me to tell you how sorry I am, nor how much I regret everything I have ever done to hurt you or cause you pain in any way. Even if I found ways to do so, it would be inexcusable of me to even expect you to forgive me because forgiveness is one of the many things that I will never deserve from you. There are many powerful, overwhelming emotions that are weighing heavy on my heart right now, though I can assure you that they are nothing short of gratitude and gratefulness. You are everything I will ever need and I was the idiot that threw it all away without casting a second glance. The only thing that I can possibly hope for in the future is that we can have some form of a relationship because- as corny and untrue as this sounds- you truly are the good in me.

Every ounce of happiness I hold within me when I am sober, you are the cause for. For that matter, every ounce of happiness that ever exists within me exists solely because of you. I've found in the last few weeks that through clear, sober eyes, age never mattered. You were my everything and honestly, you always will be. To be irrationally honest, you are the only being on this Earth that I have ever loved. When the relentless hunger begins, the need for the one antidote to self-hatred comes, I close my eyes and see your face, your smile; and that is all it takes to want to make myself better, to want to become the person that I know you always have secretly wanted me to be. You have every right to cast these words aside as a simple false pretense in which to regain a presence in your life- I would not ever pass any judgment toward you for feeling this way- but for once in all of these years, it is not.

They are all telling me how much they love and care for me, but in a harsh, brutal truth I know that they have simply found compassion in my deepest time of need, in my lowest point. The thing that kills me the most in retrospect is the fact that I have lost you, have lost your love. That love belongs to him now, and he is truly the best choice that you could ever make, I can assure you of that. Not that you want my assurance or even need it for that matter; you always have been wise beyond your age. And that is probably how it will forever be. You being too young and too intelligent to see through my false words, and far too beautiful for me to have any chances of you ever waiting for me, to try and see if this could ever work out.

Because no matter how many times I repeatedly say that I know I have lost any chances of ever calling you mine again, I will always want that. You're everything I'll ever want and everything that will always be out of my reach. If you ever do one more thing for me in my lifetime, do me the small favor of never doubting that I will alwayslove you, irrevocably be in love with you, no matter what lies ahead for the both of us. No matter what, I will always be at peace knowing that you have found someone to help you and to love you more than I ever could in the state that I was in. And no matter the issues he and I have had in the past, I will be forever indebted to him for being there for you when I was a selfish, ignorant man and was unable to see what I had until it was too late.

I will always love you, no matter what. You truly are the best parts of me.

I wanted to make this exceptionally longer than it has turned out to be, because these words that I have written will never be enough to truly explain to you just how much I regret every thing I have ever done or said to you that was anything short of filled with absolute love and adoration.

When I think about it in retrospect, I cannot understand why I needed those drugs or alcohol to alter my state of mind. Before I threw it all away to get that fix, I had one of the most precious things life had ever given me in my hands- the only addiction I would ever need- and I just let her go. I will despise myself for the rest of my life for doing that.

With all of the love I could ever give you,
Alex

It took only a brief second to realize that he too had become an addiction a long time ago- an addiction from the past, yes, but an addiction nonetheless. As I slid the tear-stained stationary back into its envelope, the wedding band on my left hand caught my attention. In that moment I realized that those crystal eyes that once had held so much complexity and intensity to them through my eyes, were going to be a reappearing feature in my life now.

They had to be. After all, in life we're all broken in some way--and his flaws would always be beautiful in a dark, vulnerable way to me.