Status: Completed
It Might Be for the Best
One and Only
“ Hey.” It felt like that was the only word. The only one that gave me any feeling, any real response from him.
“ Hey.” Other than that one word, It wasn't much. It wasn't the same. He wasn't the same. The constant leaving, and promising left me empty. There was not much to say, and not much feeling, he wasn't even trying. Maybe the past two years had suddenly turned into nothing. Maybe I was just being completely melodramatic. The ripping in my chest was getting to my head each and everyday as I tried pushing it back. I remembered the days when he would be gone and still be there. The days he would call me, tell me he loved me. I wished it was like the nights where he'd fly back unexpectedly for a day or two. The days where he'd show up at the front door step and say “ Hey Darling, I hope you're good tonight.”
I remember the days he'd look into my eyes and just stare. I don't know what he was looking for, but I knew he'd found it when his thin lips turned upwards and his hand stroked the side of my chin. I clung to the phone hoping, as if my tight grip would somehow shake him and make him realize he was killing me. “ So... How's tour?” I wish he'd be here holding me, smiling at me with his crooked smile. He'd sing to me and whisper “ I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving.”
Maybe it was my fault for even begging him to stay. Maybe it was me who caused him to stray. I was the one who tried to keep him by my side. I knew this was his dream, but why couldn't I be part of it? Why, as selfish as it sounded, was I to wait here? The green wallpaper made my head spin, the big bed made me feel so small. Where had my life gone? Straight with him was where. I cried myself to sleep that night, tried to go back and fix it.
“ I Don't get it Alex! Why am I all of a sudden nothing to you? Do you not get that it hurts me, every time you leave? Don't you care about this anymore?”
“Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it.”
The memories did me no justice, as the sorrow washed over me. His calm and collected voice rang through my ears as I held on to every syllable, every last one. “ It's good, a lot of crazy stuff goes on around here. How are you?” I closed my eyes. He never spoke like this, his poetic song filled voice always reminded me of what made me love him. Now it was as if he was something different, and the only sound I could here, Was the trembling of my own voice.
It was only two tours ago that he had held me tight. He had spun me around breathing into my hair as he closed his eyes and kissed me. “Tell me something sweet to get me by, Cause I can't come back home 'til they're singin.”He would say to me, I would smile at him knowing he would come back and pick me up the way he always did. With the same look in his eyes, the same wide grin.
I would joke with him, burying my face deeper into the crook of his neck whispering“ La, la la la, la la la 'Til everyone is singin.”
I hated those moments where one second you were holding on and the next you're thinking of how it's gone. Why was I so reckless? Why couldn't I just hold myself together? Maybe it was because deep down I knew, it would never be the same. It was that day, when I was lead down straight into voice mail that I knew, it would never be the same.
He used to answer his phone within half a second. He would hear the strain in my voice and assure me “ If you can wait 'til I get home, Then I swear to you that we can make this last.” The beating in my chest would race at the sound of those words. Making me believe that there was hope of him coming straight into my arms the day he came back.
“ Alex, maybe...” He would never let me finish that sentence. Happiness filled the void where sorrow had been sitting for days as he jumped right in, always knowing what to say.“ If you can wait 'til I get home,Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past. It might be for the best.” And I believed him. I believed that he'd wait for me. I believed that he'd be there when I called. I believed that he would love me forever.
The days I felt better, I remembered confidently dialing those familiar numbers. “ Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight.” It would make my heart jump as I bit my lip and sat on our bed, in our home. He was too good to be true, thinking back, how foolish I was to believe it, too.
“ Baby I know you have work, and I know you don't want to give it up. I know that you don't wanna be leaving. Yeah, you want it but I can't help it. I just feel complete when you're by my side, But I know you can't come home 'til they're singin.” I'd smile as I sat at the recording studio. The days he'd stay home alone he'd fill my shoes. He'd tell me all the things we'd do when I got home, he'd tell me he loved me. He told me he understood my schedule and I understood his.
It was only a month ago that everything started to change. So quickly as it came, it was gone. His change of heart seemed to hit me the hardest. “ You know you can't give me what I need.” I remember the sinking feeling of dread. The lack of self worth after his drunken call. “And even though you mean so much to me...”His voice trailed off as I frantically tried to search for the right words.
“ I can't wait through everything, but I'm trying.You know that.” I could feel the hopelessness in my voice, the frantic panic as I knew where this was all headed. Is this really happening? I thought to myself, yes, yes it was. And as much as I wish I knew the answer to why, I didn't.
“I swear I'll never be happy again...but..” I rolled my eyes as tears spilled over the edges of my bottom lid. “ Don't you dare say we can just be friends” I remember yelling into the phone. The tears flowing with such velocity, I felt my eye lids close. “ I'm not some boy that you can sway. And We knew it'd happen eventually.” With that he hung up.
It wasn't till now, phone in hand, a month later, that I had heard his voice. His calm, collected, and smooth voice. My ear drums pounded as I waited. Waited so patiently, just like he asked. The anger inside of me filled the empty conversation as I let it out. Frustration took over my body as I filled in the pauses with my own grief.
“ I'm sick and tired of being the one to wait, the one to suffer. It's said and done Alex. You said what you needed to, and that's all there is.”
“ Honey, I was drunk please.If you can wait 'til I get home, Then I swear we can make this last.”
“ Not this time.” I dropped the phone as I stood up. He would never be a good husband. He would never be a good friend. He would never be what I needed. And after long days of suffering I knew for a fact, that he could never be a father. Looking down at the big bump that used to be a small skinny frame, I put my hand lightly on it. Smiling to myself I walked out of the room.
“ It might be for the best.”
“ Hey.” Other than that one word, It wasn't much. It wasn't the same. He wasn't the same. The constant leaving, and promising left me empty. There was not much to say, and not much feeling, he wasn't even trying. Maybe the past two years had suddenly turned into nothing. Maybe I was just being completely melodramatic. The ripping in my chest was getting to my head each and everyday as I tried pushing it back. I remembered the days when he would be gone and still be there. The days he would call me, tell me he loved me. I wished it was like the nights where he'd fly back unexpectedly for a day or two. The days where he'd show up at the front door step and say “ Hey Darling, I hope you're good tonight.”
I remember the days he'd look into my eyes and just stare. I don't know what he was looking for, but I knew he'd found it when his thin lips turned upwards and his hand stroked the side of my chin. I clung to the phone hoping, as if my tight grip would somehow shake him and make him realize he was killing me. “ So... How's tour?” I wish he'd be here holding me, smiling at me with his crooked smile. He'd sing to me and whisper “ I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving.”
Maybe it was my fault for even begging him to stay. Maybe it was me who caused him to stray. I was the one who tried to keep him by my side. I knew this was his dream, but why couldn't I be part of it? Why, as selfish as it sounded, was I to wait here? The green wallpaper made my head spin, the big bed made me feel so small. Where had my life gone? Straight with him was where. I cried myself to sleep that night, tried to go back and fix it.
“ I Don't get it Alex! Why am I all of a sudden nothing to you? Do you not get that it hurts me, every time you leave? Don't you care about this anymore?”
“Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it.”
The memories did me no justice, as the sorrow washed over me. His calm and collected voice rang through my ears as I held on to every syllable, every last one. “ It's good, a lot of crazy stuff goes on around here. How are you?” I closed my eyes. He never spoke like this, his poetic song filled voice always reminded me of what made me love him. Now it was as if he was something different, and the only sound I could here, Was the trembling of my own voice.
It was only two tours ago that he had held me tight. He had spun me around breathing into my hair as he closed his eyes and kissed me. “Tell me something sweet to get me by, Cause I can't come back home 'til they're singin.”He would say to me, I would smile at him knowing he would come back and pick me up the way he always did. With the same look in his eyes, the same wide grin.
I would joke with him, burying my face deeper into the crook of his neck whispering“ La, la la la, la la la 'Til everyone is singin.”
I hated those moments where one second you were holding on and the next you're thinking of how it's gone. Why was I so reckless? Why couldn't I just hold myself together? Maybe it was because deep down I knew, it would never be the same. It was that day, when I was lead down straight into voice mail that I knew, it would never be the same.
He used to answer his phone within half a second. He would hear the strain in my voice and assure me “ If you can wait 'til I get home, Then I swear to you that we can make this last.” The beating in my chest would race at the sound of those words. Making me believe that there was hope of him coming straight into my arms the day he came back.
“ Alex, maybe...” He would never let me finish that sentence. Happiness filled the void where sorrow had been sitting for days as he jumped right in, always knowing what to say.“ If you can wait 'til I get home,Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past. It might be for the best.” And I believed him. I believed that he'd wait for me. I believed that he'd be there when I called. I believed that he would love me forever.
The days I felt better, I remembered confidently dialing those familiar numbers. “ Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight.” It would make my heart jump as I bit my lip and sat on our bed, in our home. He was too good to be true, thinking back, how foolish I was to believe it, too.
“ Baby I know you have work, and I know you don't want to give it up. I know that you don't wanna be leaving. Yeah, you want it but I can't help it. I just feel complete when you're by my side, But I know you can't come home 'til they're singin.” I'd smile as I sat at the recording studio. The days he'd stay home alone he'd fill my shoes. He'd tell me all the things we'd do when I got home, he'd tell me he loved me. He told me he understood my schedule and I understood his.
It was only a month ago that everything started to change. So quickly as it came, it was gone. His change of heart seemed to hit me the hardest. “ You know you can't give me what I need.” I remember the sinking feeling of dread. The lack of self worth after his drunken call. “And even though you mean so much to me...”His voice trailed off as I frantically tried to search for the right words.
“ I can't wait through everything, but I'm trying.You know that.” I could feel the hopelessness in my voice, the frantic panic as I knew where this was all headed. Is this really happening? I thought to myself, yes, yes it was. And as much as I wish I knew the answer to why, I didn't.
“I swear I'll never be happy again...but..” I rolled my eyes as tears spilled over the edges of my bottom lid. “ Don't you dare say we can just be friends” I remember yelling into the phone. The tears flowing with such velocity, I felt my eye lids close. “ I'm not some boy that you can sway. And We knew it'd happen eventually.” With that he hung up.
It wasn't till now, phone in hand, a month later, that I had heard his voice. His calm, collected, and smooth voice. My ear drums pounded as I waited. Waited so patiently, just like he asked. The anger inside of me filled the empty conversation as I let it out. Frustration took over my body as I filled in the pauses with my own grief.
“ I'm sick and tired of being the one to wait, the one to suffer. It's said and done Alex. You said what you needed to, and that's all there is.”
“ Honey, I was drunk please.If you can wait 'til I get home, Then I swear we can make this last.”
“ Not this time.” I dropped the phone as I stood up. He would never be a good husband. He would never be a good friend. He would never be what I needed. And after long days of suffering I knew for a fact, that he could never be a father. Looking down at the big bump that used to be a small skinny frame, I put my hand lightly on it. Smiling to myself I walked out of the room.
“ It might be for the best.”