I Won't Be Home for Christmas

The hall was dark as she wondered down it. The kitchen was empty, the dishes cleaned and stacked away long ago. She rounded back to the living room, smiled when she found Jared sprawled on the couch, his long limbs all over the place as he slept. She noticed the muted flicker of the TV and felt it best to leave it on as she draped a blanket over Jared’s sleeping form. She took a deep breath as she tried to hold in her pain. She’d broken down in front of her little boy that same day. She’d caused him emotional pain because of it and hadn’t even explained to him why. She had to be stronger then that, she couldn’t just cry with him in her arms and think he wouldn’t wonder why.

She had to tell him his father wasn’t coming home.

She covered her mouth as she whimpered at the thought. She gave Jared’s messy hair an absent stroke, smiling when he murmured in his sleep. She left him alone, hugged herself as she stepped to the side window and stared out at the snow that was falling softly. The moon was out, a low ball of bright silver that set the street bright. With the beautiful night out in front of her, she let her self cry for her husband. His presents sat under the tree, unopened, untouched. How long would she leave them there before Dean started asking questions? How long would it take him to ask why she’d moved them when she finally did? Maybe she could just leave them there forever.

She lifted the remote and switched the TV off, the constant flicker annoying her. She moved to the chair by the tree and sat, lifting the photo of Jensen holding new born Dean. She stared at the photo as she slowly fell to the edge of the chair, the tears falling silently as she mourned. A choked sob broke past her lips as she hugged the frame to her chest and let it out. She’d wake Jared if she wasn’t quiet but at that moment she didn’t care. She knew he could sleep through an earthquake, so a sobbing woman should be like a lullaby for him.

Everything around her reminded her of him, the military medals that lined the walls, the photos that were spread around the house, the furniture that he’d chosen; the books. She let out a sob as she thought about it. She was sitting in his chair, his scent assaulting her senses as she cried. She pulled her legs up to her body as much as she could and hugged herself as she huddled into his chair, needing his warmth but not having it. She was so exhausted.

She jolted when she felt the blanket being wrapped around her. She wiped furiously at her cheeks before she looked up to see a sleepy eyed Jared looking down at her through half shut eyes.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to wake you.” More tears fell, wounding her pride and causing her to huff and sniff.

“Shove over.” Jared lifted the edges of the blanket and huddled in next to Jess causing her to shift and fall into his warm embrace, which was exactly what he wanted. She apologized and tried to move away, but Jared simply wrapped his arms around her and waited. She was tense a long while, not moving and seemingly not breathing. “It’s alright.”

He felt the instance she gave in to her resolve and cried in front of a man. He knew how she was, she’d always felt she had to be strong, never appearing weak in front of a male. But he thought that was utter rubbish. She should feel safe and secure enough to let herself grieve in front of someone. That someone was him. So as she gripped his shirt and sobbed into his chest for a second time, he just held her and let her do what was needed.

What seemed like hours passed. She’d fallen asleep against his chest, his shirt soaked through with tears and sorrow. He stretched as much as he could under her, his back having seized up ages ago. He had a moment to think to himself, it felt so weird having a pregnant woman pressed against him. He and Emily had never really spoken about having kids. Of course they both wanted children but it had just never come up, that had always been Jensen’s thing. He’d been the one that had wanted kids, sons mainly, and he was lucky enough to have found a woman who was willing to give him sons and not have a particular need for little girls.

Jared sighed as he let his head fall back against the chair and wonder whether this little boy would look as much like his best friend as Dean did. He reckoned he would, he’d always figured the male gene was strong in the Ackles family. He laughed softly at the thought before looking down when he felt Jess stirring. She looked around for a moment before rubbing her eyes and staring.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I slept on you. Did I sleep long?”

“Only a minute.” Jared smiled. “You need sleep Jess.”

“So do you.” Jess yawned as she shuffled around until she was facing the right way then stood, with her hand on her back for support.

“I’ve slept long enough.” Jared laughed as he got up and followed Jess into the kitchen. “Want coffee?”

“No.” The tone in her voice had Jared turning and staring.

“Um, I’m sorry?”

“Oh, sorry. No, thank you. Coffee is bad for pregnancy. It can cause miscarriage.” She waved it off as she yawned again before she rested her head on her arms and leaned against the table.

“Oh, well I’ll keep that in mind for Emily.” Jared grinned and went to the tap to fill the kettle up.

“Why? Is Emily pregnant? Oh wow, that’s great news!” Jess looked up with a huge smile on her face.

“Uh,” Jared paused and laughed. “No, she’s not. But I’ve been thinking about it. I think I want kids, and pretty soon. I think I’m ready. All I have to do now is sabotage the protection and act surprised.”

“Oh, real smooth, mate.” Jess shook her head and smiled. “It’s a wonderful thing Jared. Giving life.”

“Yeah,” Jared left it there when he saw the look on her face. “Can I get you something to eat?”

“What?” Jess looked up, a grin on her face as she eyed him.

“Food? Are you hungry?”

“What makes you think I’m hungry? I ate just as much as you at dinner.”

“Yeah, but you’re pregnant.” Jared raised an eyebrow when Jess burst out laughing.

“Oh Jared you gentle giant.” She breathed deep several times to try and calm herself before she looked back over at him. “I don’t need massive amounts of food Jared. I just need to eat a bit more then I normally would.”

“So you don’t wake up in the middle of the night and forage?”

“What am I, a bear?” Jess laughed again at Jared’s honestly confused expression. “You really are just a simple creature.”

“Will Emily be like this? Eating all my food and leaving me with crumbs?” He looked genuinely worried.

“I ate way more when I was pregnant with Dean. Sometimes I just need more, but most of the times it’s pretty much the same as it is when I’m not pregnant.” Jess smiled and shook her head.

“Are you okay Jess?” Jared asked, having notice the smile not reaching her eyes. “I know it’s a stupid question to ask after everything that’s happened, but how are you really?”

“Lost.” Jess answered as she averted her eyes and sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel? And then I think that and I realize, well obviously I should be upset. But then I think, I’m so over upset, I’m way over it. I’m past that, to a stage where I can’t even breathe. I’m lost and I can’t even breathe. I struggled with raising Dean on my own for the months Jensen was away, how am I going to handle having to raise him, the little one inside me, all on my own? I don’t feel that I can. I’m so scared that I’ll miss something, that I’ll shut my eyes and when I wake up, my boys won’t be tiny anymore. Dean will be a grown man; the little one will be a teenager who only wants to sneak out with mates and not spend time with his mother. Then I think; why am I worrying about this now? I have to tell them first and then I can’t breathe again. Sometimes, I think, would it just be easier if I didn’t feel anything at all?”

“No.” Jared moved to sit next to her and gripped her hands, trying to stifle a yawn. “If you didn’t feel anything it would be an insult to everything Jensen fought for. What I know is; he loves you more then anything. He was crazy about you. And when Dean came along, he fell in love with the little boy you’d given him. Just as I know he’d have loved that child that’s still growing inside you. You know me and Emily will stay here a while longer then we planed.”

“Oh no, you shouldn’t put yourselves out.”

“Jess, I love you and I love Dean, just as I know Emily does. We’ll stay because of that, you don’t have to ask and you have no say. You just lost your heart, we can be your strength for as long as you need us. I know it’s going to be hard for you so we’ll pick you up when you can’t do it yourself.” He pulled her into his arms when she started sniffling. She cried against him, feeling like that was all she was going to be able to do for the longest time. When he yawned against her, she pulled away from him and smiled, patting her hand against his chest.

“Get some sleep handsome. I know Dean ran you around a lot today and you were so good about it.”

“You sure?” Jared rubbed a finger up the length of his nose, not realizing just how tired he was until it was brought into attention.

“Thank you for everything Jared. Go on up, get some sleep.”

“What about you?” He asked as he got from his seat.

“I’m going to stay down here a moment longer and think over some things.” She smiled, nodded when he rubbed a hand over her shoulder.

“You know where I am if you need me.” With that said he left her in the kitchen to think, to ponder and to ultimately be alone with her grief.

She was resting against her out stretched arm, exhaustion having set in and making her feel drained, when she thought she heard the bell ring. She slowly sat up, her eyes pinching as her back seized from being in the same spot for too long. When she managed to get to her feet, her back having cracked quiet loudly but satisfyingly, she stepped into the hall and made her way down, looking over the clock as she passed and scowling at the god-awful hour of two in the morning. Who in their right mind would be ringing somebodies door at this hour?

As if to hurry her on, the bell rang again and caused her to frown. Rude and impatient apparently. Well they could wait a moment longer. Jess clutched her heart when Jared coughed at the top of the stairs. She gripped the banister and breathed deep before sending him a look.

“Sorry, I heard the door and thought you might have gone to bed. Know who it is?” He was half naked; his hair messed and tussled to one side and his eyes weary with sleep.

“No, but who ever it is, they’re going to get a piece of my mind. If they’ve woken my little boy up, I’ll beat them half to hell, then lecture them the rest of the way.” But instead of going straight for the door, Jess stepped into the living room and peaked out the window, something Jensen had always made her promise to do if someone came around late. Never could be too careful. Her breath caught in her throat when she spotted the Military sedan parked in her driveway, the windows so heavily tinted she couldn’t make out anyone that may have been sitting in it. She swallowed her tears, her growing fear and averted her eyes to look over to the porch. She let a silent sob pass her lips when she spotted a man standing at the edge of her steps, a man in a uniform decorated with high ranking medals.

She dropped the curtain and pressed her back to the window. No tears fell, but her whole body felt heavy with increased fear. It swam through her veins, tightening her lungs before wrapping itself around her heart and squeezing. Jared had come down to the bottom of the steps and was watching her cautiously, watching to make sure she didn’t faint and if she did he could get to her before she fell. She shook her head at him, her fingers gripped around her wedding ring; she knew what this was about. She was about to be officially told her husband was dead.

“Go to bed Jared.” He stared at her a moment, shocked that she’d spoken in a tone that made him feel five years old. He felt it better not to push her; he’d watched the color drain out of her face. He simply nodded and went back upstairs, not to bed though. She’d need him soon anyway, so he stopped around the corner and waited.

Jess took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Each time she felt she was ready, the door bell would ring and she’d panic all over again. It was when the bell rang twice in a row that she decided it was now. Though she was so scared about it being official, she didn’t want her little boy being woken up and then wanting answers. So with a final deep breath, a breath she held deep in her lungs, she turned into the hallway and flicked the locks. Her hand shook as she turned the handle. When she pulled the door open silently, the figures back was too her as if they were leaving.

“Yes?” Her voice was tiny and she wasn’t sure they’d heard her. They stopped, before turning, their service cap covering their face in shadow until all she could see of their face was their hard cut chin. When they stood attention in front of her, waiting, she thought she knew them. She studied the man in the dark, the only light coming from the hall. He waited patiently as she looked him over and when her eyes were finally on his face again, he raised his head so that the light spilled over his profile. Her eyes went saucer wide, her throat tightening as her hand flew up to clutch at her chest. A strangled cry passed her lips as he took his service cap off and placed it under his arm.

“Jess.” He looked cautious, as if he didn’t know whether she would allow him to hug her or simply slam the door in his face. A moment of worry passed before he found himself stunned still and with a sobbing woman in his arms. His cap fell to the ground as he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off her feet to spin her around. “Oh god, I missed you so much baby.”

“I thought you were dead.” Her tears soaked his uniform, tears of elation rather then sorrow. “They said on the news, oh god, I was so afraid. I don’t know what I would have done.”

“I’m not dead, I’m right here,” he gripped her hands and brought her fingers up to his lips as he looked her in the eye. “I told you I’d come home to you, I promised.”

“Jensen.” His name came out on a sob as she wrapped her self around him again, breathed him in and loved him. They pulled apart when they heard the excited screaming of their little boy. Dean was running down the stairs, his soft blond hair messy from sleep and his teddy in tow. Jensen grinned as he held his arms out for his little boy to jump into. When he had his arms around his son he lifted him up and held him close. As he pulled back to look his boy over, his eyes pinched in pain, Jess stepped forward.

“What’s wrong Jensen?” Her eyes were alight with worry, with panic.

“Nothing, I’m alright.” But he’d gone breathless and his skin looked clammy.

“Daddy, you sick?” Dean pouted and thrust his teddy against his father’s chest. “He makes you all better.”

“Thanks champ.” Jensen grinned but it didn’t cloud the pain he was obviously in. Jess took Dean into her own arms and stepped aside to let Jensen inside as she asked him again if he was hurt.

“A few injuries, but I’m alive.” He stepped into his hallway, his eyes looking over all their photos and furniture. The home he’d made, his whole world.

“I love you two, more then anything.” He took Dean back into his arms, rested him against his side as he pulled Jess against him and kissed her softly on the mouth and thought, with utter relief, I’m home. Finally, I’m home.

And with a relieved smile, he held his family close to him and left behind all the pain and fear and horror he’d felt and seen and experienced over the past weeks. Now, right now, he was safe and loved and needed his family.