Raped, and Pregnant?

"Shit!"

I had just done the tests, all three of them. Waiting for the result to show was the hardest part. I was so nervous.

Now that my fear had been confirmed, I didn’t know what to do or think anymore. I was empty, tears started falling down my face uncontrollably.

What was I going to do about it? There was a baby growing inside of me, only nine month until it would've been out.

There wasn’t much time to tell my parents about it, it had to be done during the next month, I think. At least, if I wanted an abortion. I wasn’t sure, whether I wanted it or not. I would've killed the baby by taking an abortion, but it wouldn’t have felt anything, right? I was so desperate, nothing I said did make sense anymore.

I sat there on Jen's bed, crying for hours on end. The tears wouldn’t stop running down my cheeks. It couldn’t even be possible that there were so much tears inside of me.

Soon the tears were gone, only salty trails left on my skin. I started shaking, my body wanted to cry, but it was impossible. I had used all the tears I had. Only minutes later my whole body shut down. I wasn’t able to stand it anymore, sleeping was the best way out, as for now.

When I woke up, Jen was lying next to me, her arms hugging me tightly, while sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her up, but I had to find a solution. I had to talk to her.

"Jen, hey wake up. Please.", I whispered softly into her ear.

Repeating the process, slightly shaking her, made Jen open her eyes slowly. I knew it was early, at least for her it was, but I needed her right now.

"Jen, you have to help me. What am I gonna do about it?"

"I don’t know. Do you want to be a mom? Do you want to take care of a little human being? If so, then you should keep it. It's your decision, after all, but remember, an abortion means killing it. I'm sorry to say it that way, but it's the truth.", Jen answered groggily, still half asleep.

I knew all of that already. Shouldn’t this be easy? Deciding whether to kill someone or care for them? Even the thought of killing a baby made me want to cry. I couldn’t do that, but keeping it would've brought so many commitments. Going to school and raising a child at the same time was hard. My grades would've failed miserably, I believed.

Though, I knew what I was going to do. It was hard, but something told me to go for it. Now I only had to tell everyone.

Jen took it cool, she said she was glad, that I wanted to have the baby. When I asked her to help me telling my parents, however she backed out. She knew, how they would've reacted. I was scared of telling them.

Though it had to be done, better now than later, right? Right.

So, I took off, going home. My house was about half an hour away by foot. Jen's mom wanted to drive me home, though I asked her not to. I needed the time alone. In this situation, half an hour wasn’t much after all.

As soon as I was out of Jen's house, I turned on my iPod. Music had always calmed me down, so did it now. While walking, I thought of the best way to tell them. It was going to be hard. My parents were the most religious people I knew. They were strictly against sex before marriage, a baby would only top everything.

I even thought of all the possible reactions I could get. Though, most of them were rather bad. One was that they yelled at me, but accepted my decision. That was possible, right? Ha, I hoped so.
They also might have yelled at me and kicked me out. Which would've left me living on the streets with nothing but a baby on the way.

Nothing would've ever made them accept it, I knew that from the beginning. Though I wasn’t religious, didn’t even believe in god, I tried to stay with the rules. I tried not to sleep with anyone too early, because of all the problems it might have caused. I really tried to make my parents happy with me, but all I did was making it worse.
Had I slept with Max earlier, he wouldn't have raped me, we would've used a condom, nothing would've happened.
I blew it.

By now, I was standing in front of my house, debating with myself whether to go inside or not. My black Converse squeaking on the hard concrete, while I tried to bring up the courage to enter my own goddamn house.

I had already been sitting on the lawn for an hour, walking up and down the street for like five times. I was scared to go in. I didn’t want to face my parents. I didn’t have to. There was always the possibility not to tell them, to just let them find out themselves in a few month.

In reality, however, that wasn’t possible. I only wished so, because I was desperate. I knew if I walked in there now, my parents would've yelled at me and made clear what a failure of a daughter I was. If I waited, they would've done the same, only additionally telling me to get out right away, for not telling them earlier.

There was no way, this was going to end up well. I wasn’t able to tell them yet, I couldn’t go inside.

So I left, didn’t even bother looking back at the house. Someday I would've come back, maybe even the next day, but I couldn’t do it then.
Not knowing where to spend the night, I went into any direction, hoping to find a place to stay.