Everything You Want

"I'm sorry, Hannah. I know this is a really tough break because it seemed like you guys were the best of friends. He can apparently put on a good show," comforted Alexis alongside a hug for her friend.

"I can't believe he would do something like this to me. I confided in him with everything, and he had the nerve to go behind my back to a mutual friend and tell her he wants nothing to do with me?" Hannah broke off the hug as she stood straight up, not allowing the wells of water that had built up in her eyes to release themselves as tears. "Well, if that's how he really feels about me, I don't need him." She quickly wiped her eyes.

Alexis smiled, putting her almost unnoticeable red freckles on her cheeks on display. "That's the spirit. Someone who can't say how they feel up front is not a good person to associate with."

"Exactly." Hannah paused before asking with a broken, weak voice, "But still, he was my best friend. Maybe I could work things out with him. Maybe I need to clarify something I said. I might've hurt his feelings for all I know."

"He said he hated you and only talked to you because he felt sorry for you. Does that sound like someone whose feelings were hurt?" Alexis asked directly.

"Well…maybe it was all a miscommunication. I don't like jumping to conclusions. I like talking to the person one-on-one and hearing things from them." After pondering for a moment, Hannah looked at Alexis and announced, "I'm going to go visit him and see if we can't get this straightened out."

As she turned to leave, Alexis grabbed her by the arm. "Wait, Hannah—just one thing before you leave…"

"I can't believe this! How could this have happened? I listened to her constantly, I was her shoulder to cry on—she never seemed depressed in any way!" exclaimed Matthew as hot liquid tears raced down his face. "She was always so bubbly and vibrant and caring—just three of the things I loved about her."

"I know, Matt," said Alexis in a calm, relaxed voice. "Maybe she had mental issues nobody knew about. It's hard to say. But it's done; she's gone. Let's try to move on together."

"Move on?! How can I move on? The woman I've loved for years is gone forever! And the worst part…the worst part is that now, she'll never know she was my inspiration for living, for laughing, for being excited, for—for everything." Matthew slowly sat down on his loveseat, placing himself on the edge, losing track of his position in the shock of his newfound reality. "I can't…I can't absorb it. She's gone. It won't sink in. I feel like I've just lost my arm. Sh-She'll never know." Upon burying his face in his hands, he began to sob quietly as the realization of Hannah's apparent suicide began sinking in second by second.

"I know," agreed Alexis as she took a seat to Matthew's left. "I don't mean to sound uncaring or inconsiderate, but Matt, you have to move on with your life. Find someone else—someone who appreciates you. She never returned your feelings; she never knew yours existed. Had—"

"—I should have told her," Matthew blurted out in a surprisingly clear voice, though he had been crying off and on upon receiving the news from Alexis herself. "I should have told her." He paused to sniffle before continuing, "I should have told her how I felt, how she meant the world to me, how she was my world. Maybe had she known, things would have been different."

"I doubt it," Alexis argued. "She was crazy about Michael. She probably wouldn't have thought anything of your feelings, or—"

"—I should have said something," interrupted Matthew once again as if Alexis weren't even present. "I should have gotten her by herself and expressed my feelings to her." He stared blankly ahead, but as Hannah's face came to his mind once more, a faint, yet noticeable smile came to his face. "I should have told her that she was my world, that her sparkly blue eyes were what got me out of bed in the morning. That her charm and cute sense of humor made me see stars every time I looked at her. That her bubbly, vivacious personality was what fueled my days and kept me awake at night as I tossed and turned just thinking about her. That her beautiful smile made everything alright, no matter how wrong everything was. That—"

"—Alright, alright, I get it!" broke in Alexis. Her sudden outburst not only surprised Matthew, but it also surprised Alexis herself. She turned to Matthew and spoke in a soft voice, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt out like that. I mean, I know you loved her—she was all you talked about, and I know you're going to need time to get over her death. It's just going to take time."

All Matthew could do was nod in agreement. "Lots and lots…and lots…of time," he mumbled. "It's just…she was everything I was looking for in a girl. I just wish I would've told her that. Nobody could ever take her place in my heart."

Alexis placed her hand upon Matthew's which was situated on his knee. In a low voice, she asked, "Are you sure?"

Matthew felt like freezing then and there, but he didn't: he looked down at their now touching hands, then slowly switched his gaze to Alexis's face. "What do you mean?"

Alexis positioned a strand of her long, wavy red hair behind her left ear, and then slid her right hand up Matthew's arm. Slowly, she said, "Matt, you know what I mean. We both know what I mean. We've known what I'm referring to ever since we first met all those years ago…"

"Wh-What are you talking about? We've only known each other for a year." Unnerved, Matthew kept his gaze locked with Alexis's.

"And it's been the best year of my life. Well, almost the best year of my life. But now, perhaps, this year will be the best year of my life." She locked her hand with Matthew's.

As Matthew tried to break his hand away from Alexis's gently, and then more forcefully—both with no avail—he began feeling a sense of fear. "Let go of my hand, Alexis. I don't know where you're going with this."

"Yes you do, Matthew. I love you—I've loved you all along. You've loved me too. Or you would have had Hannah not occupied all your thinking time. But now that she's out of the picture, you and I can—"

"—You and I can what?" interrupted Matthew with a strong sense of disbelief in his voice.

"You and I can make this work."

"Make what work?!"

"Make what's been lurking around in the back of your mind work! Don't try to deny it; you know it's there. You love me. You always have, and you always will."

Finally breaking free, Matthew stood quickly and looked down at Alexis. "I'm grieving over the loss of my best friend, of the woman I've been in love with for years—"

"—The woman you think you've been in love with for years. She's out of the picture now. She's gone."

A thought suddenly came to Matthew's mind that hit him like a ton of bricks. It couldn't be true though—he knew Alexis better than that. Yet he still didn't know she'd felt that way about him…

"D-D-Did you…?"

"Did I what?" Alexis asked, a little too relaxed for comfort in Matthew's mind.

"Did you…" The developing grin on Alexis's face broke off his question. "No, no, no," he kept repeating.

"I love you, Matthew. You love me, too, even if you don't know it yet, or openly admit it. But you do."

"No, Alexis, I don't. I loved Hannah. I don't love you. You're my friend. I've never loved you as more than a friend."

This simple confession that meant almost nothing to Matthew shattered Alexis's world into a million little fragmented pieces.

"No!" she exclaimed. "You do love me the way I love you! You're all I want, Matthew. You're the air I breathe, my reason for living." She finally stood and, as if having an apparent violent mood swing, began pacing back and forth in front of a baffled, confused, and scared Matthew. "All those stories I listened to, how she was breaking your heart as she talked on and on about Michael. I listened to them. I never told you how I really felt, or who you should really be with. I let you talk because I loved you; I still do. It made me hate—virtually hate—every bone in Hannah's body, every cell that made up her being I came to hate, not only because she had your feelings of infatuation—"

"—Love—"

"—Infatuation, but because she was breaking your heart! I hate her for that! I hate her!"

The silence that filled the room for what seemed like hours could have made the most listening ear go silent for all of eternity. Finally, Matthew spoke up, with a faltering, wavering voice, "It was you, wasn't it? You did it."

Alexis's fire red temper suddenly went cold. She sighed and allowed a tear to flow down her right cheek. "She can't hurt you anymore."

Matthew, in that very moment, felt like dying. He'd lost a dear friend and the love of his life the very same day. Not able to say a word or move, he just stood there in paralyzing shock. He was horrified. It wasn't until he saw something shiny reflecting in the corner of his eye that he moved his head to see what it was. It appeared to be a sharp silver blade with a dark red substance covering half of it, and it was placed inside a leather cover to be found in Alexis's pocket. He knew what had happened, but still couldn't believe it. She was insane, in need of help, and he wasn't sure of her next move. All he was sure of was that he was scared for his life.

Alexis finally made a move. She trudged over to the sofa and took a seat in the middle of it. She stared blankly ahead of her as Matthew walked over to the side of the couch. He could see the back door and his goal was to reach it, but if she noticed, she might not allow him to leave. She was insane; her motives and actions were anyone's guess.

But as she started to sob quietly and bury her face in her hands, he saw his chance. He tiptoed to the back door. As he made his way out to run and call for help, he heard that haunting voice for the last time coming from the woman he, in that moment, hated with all of his might, but feared with his life, echo the same phrase over and over again in a childlike tone:

"I am everything you want…I am everything you want…I am everything you want…I am…"