Long Way to Go

I couldn’t believe my pointless existence and boredom brought to my current actions. I was sitting at home on my computer looking up quotes about love. I’m not sure how I got on the topic of love, perhaps it’s always there in the back of my mind; something I’ll never let into my life again. He was everything I had ever wanted. He was my best friend and a lot of my firsts. He was everything to me. We were only eighteen at the time, but that didn’t mean we didn’t know what we felt for each other.

Three years will change a lot of things in the course of someone’s life. The last two and half months we were together I was lied to. He had been talking to and seeing someone else behind my back and then when he finally came clean expected me to still be his friend. Now I don’t know about you, but once you break my trust you’ll have a very hard time getting it back, if you ever get it back. He couldn’t understand why I was so angry and upset with him and turned the whole thing around on me, blaming me for being so mean when this was a hard time for him. What about me? What about how hard this was for me? Did it matter that I was hurting too? I had every right to be selfish and I was.

He contacted me a year ago, told me about the bad time he had with the guy he left me for and then about this new girl he was falling for. They’re getting married within the next year; he didn’t have to tell me that, I was happy being ignorant of his relationship; with a girl no less. So here I am, bored out of my mind, I just finished my first year of college and I’m home for the summer. Unknown to me my parents moved and now we live in the rich part of town. I don’t fit in with the rich kids, I don’t have a shiny BMW; I don’t even have a Volvo. I don’t dress to their standards and they have done their best to avoid me since I’ve been home. My old friends don’t even know I’m back; I haven’t spoken to them in a year and a half. They tried to get me back on my feet but I just pushed them away. I turned into a cold, heartless monster; no one could love me. My best friend since kindergarten, I didn’t even let him in. I graduated then up and left for school.

What was I saying? Oh right, I was looking up love quotes and then realized how pathetic I really am. I needed to get out. My parents were at work and they were going out for dinner tonight, they had a date night every Friday. I’m glad my parents are still together and are happy about it. They hardly ever fight, the only fighting going on is over who gets the last bit of ice-cream, we love ice-cream in this house. My mom, she’s beautiful, she’s supportive of me no matter what choices I make in life and my dad’s my best friend. I can talk to him about everything. When I first told him I liked boys he told me that no matter what happens that I’m his son and he loves me regardless. When I told him how serious my ex and I were getting he told me to be safe about anything we did—we were, no worries there. It took me up until right before I left for school to sit down and talk about the break-up with my parents. Mom cried and my dad just held me.

I was getting depressed again, something that happened often when I let my thoughts wander. I decided to go for a walk; there was a park not far from the entrance of my neighborhood. I didn’t care I’m a twenty-one year old going to a park, I needed to do something. I didn’t grab my mp3 player, I rather enjoyed the sounds of nature when my thoughts were going insane, and it was a nice evening. I noticed some people out on their porches, laughing and talking and how it would all die down as they saw me walking down the road and one statement,

“What’s a boy like that doing here?”

“Oh yeah, that’s that nice couple’s demented boy, those poor people, they’re so nice, such a shame.”

That was not helping my mood, but I wasn’t going to let them win. They always won. When I was growing up I got teased relentlessly because of how I dressed and then when it was known I was gay, well three guesses as to what happened then. I never did put up a fight, the one time I did I nearly died, literally. I spent a week in the hospital; I never let them see me break again.

There it was—my haven. I enjoyed coming to this little park, most times I’ve always been alone and that doesn’t bother me, I’m used to being alone. I saw my favorite spot, the top of the slide. I usually don’t like heights, but that was my spot, I could see the entire park and down the roads of the surrounding neighborhoods. The sun had begun to set and it was a pretty magnificent sight. I still sat on top of the slide looking around; after a while I noticed movement at the entrance. There was only one working light and that was at the entrance of the park--the stars and moon were the only source of light after sunset.

It was a group; I could make out the shadows of about four males. One it seemed had a huge afro. I hoped they weren’t one of the gangs that lived around here; I may be grown, but I’m not exactly of a large stature, I can pack a mean punch but I can be easily over taken just because of my size. I heard one of them laugh, it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it.

“Guys, I, I just remembered, tomorrow’s the day!”

I heard a small chorus of cheers and then it hit me, tomorrow was the day that up until a year ago, we, my old friends and I, all went camping in the woods down by school.

“Mikes, what’s the matter?”

I heard one of them ask, they steadily made their way across the park, and it seemed they were heading towards the swings.

“Tomorrow’s, well you know and I miss Frankie, I, I miss him. I swear I saw his mom the other day driving into the richies lane.”

That was my best friend, right there, in front of me. I haven’t seen him in a year, I pushed him away and he still missed me.

“Well, you remember what her car looked like?” “Yeah, and I think the tag had an X and Q in it.”

X7Q 5CS. That was her tag, we were the only one’s who parked our cars outside of the garage and then my old beat up piece of junk sat on the curb.

“Well what if we go and look for it, see if maybe he’s home?”

“Gee you’re a genius! See Mikey, your brother didn’t waste his college education for nothing! His brain does work wonders!”

I heard the sound of someone getting hit, but then a round of laughter. I made sure to sit stock still, I doubt they’d see me, not unless they squinted really hard and I moved. I was in head to toe in all black.

Gerard. That’s a name I heard a lot when at Mikey’s, but a face I only saw in pictures. I’ve only seen him in person a handful of times; when we were younger we always went to my house because Mikey didn’t want to be around his brothers friends, and once Gerard went off to art school we migrated to Mikey’s house. I would be unrecognizable at first glance, last time that Mikey had seen me my hair was in dreads and I only had my nose pierced. My hair is jet black and shaggy, I have on eyeliner and a lip ring and if I took off my hoodie you’d see nothing but tattoos.

They had made it to the swings and all that was heard was mumbling and the squeaking of the old rusted chains. I began to get lost in my thoughts again until I felt two hands push me down the slide. I wasn’t expecting that and ended up landing on my back and when I looked up I saw three people standing over me.

“What the hell was that for!? You don’t know me, why’d you even touch me?”

I got up and shoved past them and not even caring that they were answering the questions I just threw at them, but I froze the moment I heard it.

“Frankie?”

I didn’t turn around but I didn’t continue onward either. I heard a set of footsteps approach me and a hand touch my shoulder. I knew that touch and I knew that hand, I’d felt it so many times in my life, it was Mikey. I let him turn me towards him and gasp as he took in my appearance.

“You’re back!”

He pulled me to him and hugged me fiercely. When he pulled away he glanced over to the other three,

“Mikes, you, you should hate me. I pushed you away and didn’t try to even talk to you while I was gone and here I am, and you just accept me, why?”

He looked taken back at what I had just asked.

“You’re my best friend Frank. That’s all that matters.”

I felt the tears well up, he’s seen me cry plenty of times, but this was just too much for me. Everything that had been going through my mind and trying so hard to remain unnoticed by his group and to have him just be okay with the fact I’ve been a horrible friend, I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t used to affection from anyone; I made sure no one gave it to me.

“Gee you guys stay here.”

I felt him take my hand, so many times before when things were bad for me and we walked towards our spot. I never forgot about the nights we cried with each other over things, and I never forgot the nights we fought and I knew I wouldn’t forget tonight.

We sat down in silence; he was going to just let me calm down. He never forced me and that’s one of the many things I loved about him. Mikey was always the one person that I could go to matter the time of day or night, no matter how trivial my problem was and he’d be there for me.

“I’m sorry.”

I felt his hand clasp mine again and he gave it a squeeze,

“Frankie, I’m sorry too. I could’ve tried harder to get you to open up, but I knew you didn’t want that, I could’ve tried to contact you too. We didn’t know where your parents moved, we just came home one day and saw that your house was empty and the ‘For Sale’ sign in the yard.”

I scooted closer to him and lay my head on his shoulder,

“Mikes, I’m glad you’re still here. It’s been lonely this past year and I thought that when I came home and if I saw you, you’d hate me and tell me I wasn’t your friend anymore. You’ve been by my side for so long I feel like such a pathetic friend to you. It’s always as if you’re solving my problems and hardly any of yours.”

I felt his arms around me,

“Frankie, I, you’re my best friend in the entire world; I’d do anything for you, anything. No one deserves to be alone either and I’m just happy you’re back.”

We sat in comfortable silence a little while longer and I had plenty of thoughts going through my mind. If I were to ever give my heart to someone again I’d want Mikey to have it, but I knew, as far as our last conversation went, he’s very much into girls.

“I need to tell you something Frankie, but I don’t want to overload you with things tonight.”

I cut him off,

“Just tell me Mikes, I’m here for you, you know that, no matter what I’m here.”

I felt him move and I sat up a little and turned to face him. I’ve never really taken in his features before, but I had to stop thinking like that. This is my best friend, the same best friend who I abandoned and didn’t try to contact for a year.

“Frankie, it’s hard for me to tell you, so bear with me please?”

I nodded. He looked down a few times, something he did when he was nervous and was going to say something big.

“You, you know how I told you once; a long time ago there was someone that I fell in love with?” I nodded.

“Well I’ve realized I’m very much in love with that person.”

I never felt as jealous in my life as I did that night.

My best friend loved someone, he didn’t tell me who, he just told me this person was amazing and they had his heart but he was too afraid to give it to them because he thought they didn’t feel the same.

“Frankie, I, I want to tell them but I’m afraid to.”

“Still? Mikes, it’s been a few years now? We were sixteen when you told me this, we’re twenty-one now my friend. That’s five years of loving someone and never saying anything, how do you do it?”

I could see the tears welling in his eyes; this was so hard for him. I pulled him to me,

“Mikes, I’m sure they don’t even deserve you, you’re amazing, and anyone can see that. You’re one of the most genuine people I have ever met. You’re my best friend, wow, it doesn’t even feel like I’ve been gone a year, that we’ve been apart for an entire year.”

I heard him sniffle, I lifted his face up and wiped away his tears,

“Mikes, please, tell me who it is, maybe I can help you?”

He shook his head,

“No one can help me. No one knows I love him. I don’t deserve him; he’s too good for me.”

It’s a guy!

“Why can’t anyone help you? I’m sure he’d give you a chance, he’d be stupid not to!”

He pulled away from me a little and looked into my eyes. They were screaming for me to understand without him having to say anything else.

“Mikes, I, I can’t understand if you don’t tell me? Do you think this is going to change our friendship, because you like guys too?”

He let out a frustrated groan, “You’re an idiot!” and then pressed his lips to mine. Not what I was expecting but I wasn’t going to complain. I’ve never had a kiss so rough yet so soft, so demanding yet so passionate in my entire life before. His lips felt like they belonged attached to mine. I felt one of his hands come up my back and play with the hair on the back of my head and neck. I ended up on my back with him fitting perfectly on top of me. We fit together like a puzzle and I really hate oxygen. We broke apart, breathing heavily and just staring into each others eyes. He smiled down at me, “Welcome home Frankie.”

I pulled his head down to mine and pecked his lips,

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too Mikes, so much, so much.”

I began playing with his hair as he lay on my chest and he drew random patterns on my chest. Our other hands found each other and our fingers locked.

“This was definitely not the homecoming I expected.”

After a while we heard someone calling his name.

“I guess we should head out, he tends to freak out and panic if I don’t respond in two minutes.”

“I’m coming Gee!”

He gave me a quick kiss before we headed out of our spot and towards his brother and friends.

“Man Mikey, he was about to call the National Guard on you, what were you two doing?”

“Talking Ray, this is my best friend; we had a lot to catch up on.”

“I swear you’re still a bunch of girls, you pansies!”

We all laughed, “Oh, Ray, Bob and Gee, this is Frankie; Frankie this is Ray, Bob and Gee.”

I said a small hello and they did in return.

“So Frankie, you live on richies lane?”

I hated that fact, “Yes. I hate it there.”

“You should let us have a party at your house one time, then they’ll really love you!”

“That doesn’t sound half bad. If it’s not too soon, I could tell you we could do it next Friday night, my parents always have a date night, but it’s their anniversary next weekend so they’ll be out for the whole weekend and if I mention Mikey, my mom will melt and say yes to anything.”

I flashed him a smile and he gave me one in return.

We made it to the parting point,

“Nice to meet you guys and good to see you again Mikey.”

He gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek, they wouldn’t have noticed. I heard a chorus of “Bye Frank!” and then headed down the road to my house. I had the largest grin on my face, my best friend was in love with me, and has been for the past five years. I feel bad that he’s been so afraid to tell me and has had to hide such emotions from everyone, especially me. I ran the rest of the way to my house; nothing could bring me down now. My parents were home, I noticed their cars and the lights on.

“Frank Anthony! Where have you been?”

I was smiling, they noticed, “I met up with Mikey and we talked and lost track of time.”

“Mikey Way?”

I nodded, “Oh, honey I’m so happy!”

“Mom was about to call the police on you, you know? Glad you found your friend again. You should invite him over sometime, maybe next weekend while we’re away, that way you won’t be home alone all weekend.”

I didn’t even have to ask, “Sure! Well I’m heading up to bed, good night!”

I ran up to my room, I was so happy, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I began thinking of Mikey, how his face looked in the moonlight through the trees. He was truly beautiful and the way his lips felt as they touched mine and man I was having bad thoughts. I could feel myself becoming aroused and I welcomed it. I haven’t felt like this about anyone and I haven’t even touched myself in a while. I wasn’t going to though, I could welcome my arousal but I wasn’t going to entice it with my hands. I wanted him to be the first to touch me after so long. I dug my hands into my sheets and kept a firm grip and imagined the many things that Mikey’s hands could do to my body. It was painful for me but I wasn’t going to give in. Just when I felt I was actually going to give in I heard my cell ringing. Thank you whoever that is! It was Mikey.