Long Way to Go

Him; how could I change for him? I didn’t know if I should be shocked, angry, what, I didn’t know.

“Why would you even say something like that? Huh?”

He looked down and away; “I, I thought, I…”

“You thought what, that I’d come back and everything would be okay? Is that it? That the Frankie you fell in love with would come running to you with open arms?”

I could hear his breathing get rougher, he was trying not to cry in front of me—my tears were already formed.

“I thought that, that there was at least a part of the old you still there. Despite how hard you appear and want to come off, or maybe this is how you are now, but I know, I know deep down you don’t like being this way.”

He said that so quietly; I don’t think I was meant to hear him. I didn’t know what to say to that. He’s right, I mean, there’s still a part of me that wants out, that wants to be me again. He had turned his back towards me; I wanted so badly to reach out and pull him to me—I’d hurt him yet again.

“I’m sorry.”

I got up and left. I couldn’t—I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. That’s all I’d ever done this past year. I made my way into the house but stopped when I heard Donna call my name. I made my way to her voice, in the kitchen.

“Have a seat Frankie.”

I did.

“He’s only doing this because he cares about you. He doesn’t want to, nor does he mean to push you—you know that’s not how he is. You two have always been close, even when you were younger.”

Another conversation I knew was coming but didn’t want or need. I nodded along, nonetheless.

“Frankie, honey, I, I’ve always noticed that whomever you two brought home, to meet, if neither of you approved you ditched them. Now, now I haven’t even seen Mikey take an interest in anyone except this one person. At first I didn’t want to believe what I assumed, but now, now I know that I couldn’t be happier—that is if the other person feels the same.”

I wonder if she knew about us—I didn’t think we were that obvious.

“But Mikes spent a lot of time by himself.”

She smiled faintly, “Yes he did.”

Her tone changed quickly; “You have no idea what you did to him Frank, you don’t. You weren’t here to clean his self-inflicted wounds, clean up his sick mess from when he drank too much, or, or the night we had to take him to get his stomach pumped. You weren’t here and that was the problem.”

I had no idea he did that to himself. No idea at all. I had left the only person who ever truly loved me the moment they needed me the most. How could I be so stupid!?

“Donna, I, I had, I, I had no idea.”

“I was watching you two out there, not listening, that’s never my business; Frankie honey, I’ve never seen him smile as big as he did when they got home last night. He bounded in the house yelling ‘he’s back’, ‘he’s back’. I had to think why on earth would he be yelling something like that, and then it hit me, you—you were home.”

She pulled me to her, “You two are so obvious, but just know I’m happy for you both. I wouldn’t want to see him with anyone else. It may take me a while to get over what you did to him, but you being here makes up for that now. I know you’re only home on break, and in a good few weeks you’ll be packing up and heading back to school; what then?”

I’d been thinking about that for a while now, what would happen to us when I finally went back to school.

“I, I don’t know. I’ve thought about that, but I honestly don’t know.”

We both turned towards the back of the house, the back door opened and closed—he just came in.

“I thought you left.”

He was glaring at me.

“I asked him to come talk to me sweetie. Now I don’t know what’s going on that has a broom shoved up your ass Michael, but Frank here is trying and if you can’t see that then I don’t know what your problem is. Don’t even pull the card of him leaving and what happened to you, we’re all trying to work on getting over that, but young man—let me tell you one thing right now, if you can’t help him and be there for him, because he needs you right now and I know sure as hell you need him just as much—if either of you screw this up, well, we won’t know what to do with either of you will we?”

We both kind of just stared at her. She kind of contradicted herself with me and I think she just shocked Mikey.

“Oh what do you know mom? The fact that what he did to me happened, I got so down on myself because of what he did—that’s not something to keep throwing in my face!!”

I wish they would actually realize I’m here for some of this conversation.

“Michael, I know that you two are so in love with each other and, you have been for a while. If you can still love him—which you do, even if he is who he is now, which you do because whatever happened out there wouldn’t hurt you as much as it does now if you didn’t still love him. You love someone, faults and all. Who cares, you both have had a rough time this past year; why not help each other instead of whining about it? You’re best friends above all else and as such you should be able to tell each other everything. Now I’m going to bed and so help you both if I hear the front door or the back door open and close within five minutes of me going upstairs, I’ll be back down here so fast. Good night boys.”

The next five minutes were the most awkward of my life. We avoided looking at each other, but we did steal glances until I found the tile to be the most interesting thing in the world.

“You know, why don’t you two just go fuck each other, that way you can save the rest of us from whatever the hell is wrong with you.”

We both looked over at our intruder, Gerard.

“Gee, don’t, just, shut up!”

Smooth Mikey, smooth. Gerard just scoffed and got a bottle of water and headed back to wherever his room was.

“I’m, I’m sorry Frank.”

He wasn’t looking at me; instead he was looking down at the floor.

“It’s okay Mikes. I’m sorry too.”

He finally looked up at me and we smiled. We edged towards each other until we pulled each other into each others arms and just held on like our lives depended on it—as if we’d fall over if the other weren’t there to hold us up.

“Mikes, can, can we go upstairs to bed?”

He nodded and pulled out of our embrace; grabbing my hand he led us up to his room. He closed the door gently and I heard the faint sound of a lock snapping into place. I sat down on his bed and watched him walk over to me and kick his shoes off in the process. I removed mine as he made his way over to me. He knelt beside me and pulled me into one of the most passionate kisses I’ve ever received in my life.

My hands found their way into his hair and one of his found mine as he angled my head for better access. Our lips attached as if they were made for each other and our tongues fighting for dominance over the other. We broke apart panting what seemed like hours later, but merely a few minutes.

“I won’t give up on you.”

I smiled up at him, “I thought your mom was going to chew my head off at one point.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, what’d she say to you?”

“That she wouldn’t want to see you with anyone else.”

“Anyone else?”

“Yeah, anyone other than me.”