Long Way to Go

“Good morning boys! Have a good night?”

I could feel myself blush a little at Donna’s question,

“Yeah mom. We stayed up talking like little girls and even giggled too.”

That kid could be sarcastic when he wanted to be; which resulted in his mom throwing a waffle at his head. We all laughed at that;

“You boys have any plans for the day?”

We both looked at each other and shrugged,

“Well, would you mind running a few errands for me?”

She had this glint in her eye, kind of like Mikey when he’s got something up his sleeve;

“Alright, what do we have to do?”

She grinned, “Groceries. There’s nothing left, well nothing you or your brother will eat.”

That sounds about right, Mikey and Gerard were some picky eaters, me on the other hand I would eat anything. We then agreed in full; to Mikey’s dismay she already had a list of things that she wanted us to get. I remember one time, a few years ago, Mikey and I went grocery shopping with Gerard, which was an event. He pretty much dropped us off and told Mikey to call him when we were finished; he gave us more than enough money, but no list. Needless to say, Donna wasn’t very thrilled when we finally got back home that day.

=time lapse=

“So that little old lady hasn’t taken her eyes off of you since we set foot in here.”

“What little old lady? Oh, that little old lady, it’s kind of creepy actually.”

“I’m not surprised you didn’t notice her, with you needing glasses and all my friend.”

He hit me, I guess I deserved it. We went down every isle to check off the list; we were nearly done; we’d only been here for about forty minutes.

“Mikes, can I ask you something? Don’t you dare say, ‘you just did’ either.”

He nodded, “Do you ever wonder why I left?”

He looked at me, “Frank, I’m not as dumb as I look; I figured it had something to do with, well, the breakup. I didn’t pry, I told you this, you take time and space when something has you bugged; I’m not going to lie though, it did hurt when you wouldn’t even talk to me, not even a simple conversation went on before you just left.”

I grabbed a box of cereal, “Well it did have to do with that, I, I, can we talk when we get in the car?”

He nodded, “What else do we have left?”

I scanned down the list, “Bread, and then we’re done!”

We had a semi-awkward silence as we checked out and drove the fifteen minute drive to the Way’s; I wasn’t sure what I was going to tell him, but I felt I should—he deserves to know.

It didn’t take long for us to unload the groceries; Donna wouldn’t let us put anything away so we headed back up to Mikey’s room. I looked around his room; it had been a while since I’ve really been in here. He still had his many posters all around, his shelves of unicorns and then a lot of pictures of us, his brother and his brother’s friends. I knew I had to start this conversation, I just didn’t know how to go about doing it.

“We have all day you know, if you don’t want to do this right now we could do something else.”

I glanced over at him, he was sitting on his bed, back against the wall; “No, I, I need to do this now or I’ll chicken out and never do it.”

He gave me a small nod; “Mikes, I, I didn’t know what to do after he told me everything. He took my trust away; I couldn’t even trust myself for the longest time. I wanted to kill him, or at least beat him till he would beg me to stop. I never really thought the person I became would hurt so many people.”

I sat at the foot of his bed, my legs folded under me. He was staring right into my eyes and I could read every emotion he held—love, sympathy, anger, but mostly they held sorrow. I looked down and fidgeted with his blanket.

“He said he never cheated on me, but all circumstances point to a yes. He lied to me the last two and a half months we were together; he’d been talking to and meeting up with this other guy he met online. For the longest time after he finally came clean to me, I felt like I was worthless, like there was something wrong with me for him to go and find someone else.”

I could feel my eyes begin to water; it had been a while since I last talked about this to anyone. I still hadn’t looked up at him since when I looked down at his blanket; I felt the bed move and then his hand take mine and he just held it. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him again.

“I, I pushed everyone away, you, Mel, my parents, everyone. I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me and at the time everyone could’ve with the smallest of things. I only went to work and classes and then when I got home I went to my room. I wrote, read, or played my guitar. I didn’t give anyone the benefit-of-the-doubt, no one.”

I could feel the tears run down my cheeks; Mikey’s thumb brushed them all away.

“I constantly yelled at my parents for caring about me. I didn’t want anyone to care for me; after a while I felt I didn’t deserve for anyone to care for me. I did apply for a school away from home, I just couldn’t stay here, knowing I’d see him again; I did once. I was walking through a store on my way to the music section—needed some new CDs; I heard this laugh, I’d know his laugh anywhere. It was him; I didn’t get a good view, but I could tell out of peripheral vision that it was him. I felt so much anger and sadness at that moment I just walked off quickly and pulled myself together. That was the day that I said to myself that he’s not going to ruin my life anymore, he wasn’t worth all of this.”

I let go of his hand and moved so I was laying down, my head on his lap.

“I turned back around and went back to find a CD, he wasn’t where I last saw him; but when I did, it was almost as if he went to find me. When he finally did find me, nearly running into me, we kind of just stared at each other and then I just got this sneer on my face and shoved past him. Mel called me that day; he had said something to her. She hadn’t talked to me in a while, my fault; everything was my fault at that time. I never wanted to turn into this person I’ve become. I’m not nice; I don’t feel bad if I hurt someone’s feelings sometimes. I’ve become a horrible person. I don’t deserve you.”

I had said that last part quietly, not even sure if he heard me.

“You don’t still love him do you?”

I couldn’t help but to look at him this time, “No!”

“Why don’t you deserve me? Can’t I choose who I want?”

He was still holding my eye-contact; “Mikey, you, you’re an amazing person. You’re hardly ever a bastard to anyone, you’ve been there for me more times than I can count and I’ve only had a handful of moments where I’ve been the one to give comfort. You don’t want someone like me, I’m tainted. I’ve been hurt; I’ve turned into a cold monster.”

“You didn’t answer my last question; why can’t I choose who I want?”

“You can, it’s just, I, I don’t know why you’d want to choose me.”

“You want to know why I chose you?”

I nodded; “Because Frankie, you are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. You’ve been through so much, wanted to quit so many times, and yet here you are. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re not a horrible person, everyone needs to be a little blunt every now and then, you just happen to be blunt a lot more often than most.”

He grabbed my hand again; “Frankie you’re beautiful, inside and out. You have a big heart, whether you realize that or not, you do. You’ve been there for me more times than you know. I don’t care that you’ve been broken, I want to fix you. I want to be able to make you happy, make you smile that smile that lights up your entire face. I want to be there for you when you feel no one else is; I’ve always been here for you and I’ll always be here for you.”

I was crying again; “Can I get corny on you and quote some lyrics to you?”

I nodded; “’you’re my keepsake, my friend and my fears. You’re the strength that’s inside and I swear on my life, I will always be there by your side. So take this time to see that I can’t leave this…see that I have hope.’ Frankie it’s you that keeps me going; has been since the moment I realized I had fallen in love with you. The day you told me that you and Wes started dating, I cried that night, but I was happy for you, you seemed happy so I was happy.”

I couldn’t help but smile up at him, he meant every word too. I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could say to that.

“Mikes, I, I don’t know what to say.”

I sat up and then turned to face him; I pulled him into me and wrapped my arms around him and just held onto him. He clung back to me like his life depended on it, and apparently it did. As usual, all good things must come to and end; his door burst open to reveal a disheveled Gerard.

“Oh don’t stop having a moment on my account. I just wanted to see what you two were up to.” He smirked over at us.

“Get out Gee! Now's not the time to be bothering us, you never wanted anything to do with us when we were younger, why start now?”

“But little brother, wouldn’t you be interested in what two people who are so obviously in love with each other were doing behind closed doors?”

“GET OUT!”

I’ve never heard Mikey talk to Gerard like that, ever. Gerard had this knowing smirk on his face and Mikey was glaring at him—I think he’d be dead if looks could kill.

“Relax Mikes, I just wanted to say a proper hello to Frankie here, it has been a while you know.”

He pranced across the room and placed himself on my left and sat there with this stupid look on his face, like I was the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen.

“Hello Frankie, I’m Gerard, Mikey’s big brother.”

He stuck out his hand for me to shake, I did; awkwardly.

“Erm, hi Gerard, erm, it’s nice to meet you.

“Get out right now Gerard, I’m not playing. You did ruin a moment if you must know—a pretty damn good one too. Just because you’re some sick, twisted bastard, doesn’t mean you can come and barge in on my life just because you feel the need to screw it up. You stopped caring a long time ago, don’t start caring now, it’s unwanted, unneeded and unnecessary.”

I was at a loss; I didn’t know what to do or say for that matter. I glanced over at Gerard and I could tell that he was slightly hurt, but he was angry more than anything.

“You don’t even know the half of it Mikey!”

“Oh don’t pull that load of bull on me Gee! I know more than you think I do. I know how you come home every night trashed beyond comprehension, I know you’ve never thanked me or Mom for putting you in bed some nights, nor the messes we clean up because you’re to wasted or high or both to even notice. I know that you only hang out with Ray and Bob because they’re the only friends you’ve had before you became the pathetic waste you are now that didn’t abandon you. So if I don’t know the half of it, great! I don’t want to know what makes you such a mess. You used to be there for me all the time, but you failed me; the moment I needed you the most you shoved me away. Said that I was young and stupid and didn’t know what I was talking about. I KNEW what I was talking about.”

“Gerard can, can you please leave?”

The first time I speak and I sound like an idiot.

“Oh Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, don’t you even start on this. You’re half the reason why Mikey hates me so much my dear boy. If you only knew what you did to him when you up and left him behind; deserted him. You didn’t watch him fall apart at the seams, you didn’t-“

“Shut up! Gerard, get the hell out of my room right now and I’m not going to ask you again. Get out. Now.”

He made to open his mouth again but decided against it and made his way out of the room. I really didn’t know what to do. I looked over at Mikey and noticed he had tears streaming down his face.

“Oh Mikes.” I pulled him to me and just rubbed his back. He was back to clinging on to me for dear life. I noticed the door remained open for their outburst and Gerard neglected to fully close it yet again; the distant sound of Donna yelling at him could be heard and then a door slamming not too long after.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“What I did to you.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Don’t play stupid, I hurt you, more than I realized.”

“But you’re here now, that stuff doesn’t matter anymore.”

He lent in and kissed me; soft, sweet, and passionate. It didn’t last long, now wasn’t the time to get into a heated make-out session and I enjoyed just being in his company most times anyways.

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A/N: the set of lyrics used is from Summer (In B) by Amber Pacific. Hope that was an alright chapter, I'm thinking of doing a Mikey POV soon.