All for Eternity
Missing
"Jess?"My Voice shoots through the darkness not sending back an echo .Its never ending ,the soft rain touches the ground of the forest.Its quiet except for the sound my boots make against the damp grass.I know she isn't here and its really useless of me to call for her,but it isn't easy to let go of the only person who you ever trusted.Reaching through the darkness I feel for the tree stump , the one Ive made me waiting space. Tonight is colder than usual the frosty air pushes against my body as I settle into the darkness.The mist falls against my closed eyelids pulling me deeper into nostalgia.
*
"Laila!" she smiles widely as I run toward her. "Hurry up, dad is sure to be worried sick about us by now."
"I know but do we really have to go just yet?" I keep my eyes on the canopy of green that shields the sun from the forest ground.
"Well we could stay but Its no guarantee that will be the best thing to do.We could get eaten by a bear or something." My eyes grow wide and without another word I rush toward the clearing . "I'm kidding calm down." Her footsteps speed up behind me ."Here hold my hand ,I don't want you to trip, dad wouldn't let me hear the end of it if you came back all bruised."
"I'm fine Jess ! I'm not going to fall." Shes only two years older than me but she acts as if I'm ten years younger.
"Please behave and just..." and like that I reach for her hand and grab a hold of it . Please behave and just: its what she usually says to get me to be quiet and do as she says which is always the right thing .Its quiet as we walk through the tall sunflowers, the sun hits off the yellow petals making them out to be made of gold .
"Do you think we will ever see mom again ?" Her grip on my hand tightens.
"You're thirteen years old Laila. Please stop pretending like its not her fault that she left."
"I'm sorry I just...never mind." I don't blame her for being upset after all she basically had to be mom for me since I was five years old and through it all our father never once showed her any gratitude for it.At times it felt like he blamed her more than thanked her ."I love you Jess."
"I love you too Laila and don't you ever second guess that." And I wont second guess it I know she truly means what she says ."Now come on before dad comes out here and gets mad for something were not even doing." She holds the front door open and moves me along then steps in and shuts the door."
*
Thunder brings me back to the present Its been four years since then...Four years since Ive seen my sister."I don't believe him" My voice whispers to the darkness."I know you didn't leave me because you wanted to... you promised." In the back of my mind I try to find the resentment the one he tries to make it seem he feels towards her, but I cant my heart is too broken to carry such a heavy grudge. I feel empty as I hold myself to keep warm ...I don't know where shes gone and I'm scared to death of the fact that she might not even be alive anymore .The cops stopped looking for her on her eighteenth birthday; just one of the many I didn't get to celebrate with her. I don't feel safe here anymore the forest makes my pulse race and I sweat even in the coldness but I try my best to stay as long as I can. Hoping for a sign of what might have happened to her of what might have been the last thing she saw. The tears sting my cheeks ...they're all in vein, they wont bring her back home. "Laila." the ghost of her voice echos from behind me confusing my mind.I'm treading between what is real and what is all in my memories.
*
"Go home." Her blue eyes seems ice cold as she points for me to go away .
"I don't know why you're being this way to me!" The frustration is evident in my voice. "I don't think you're being fair."
"Laila! Go home! NOW!" Her face is flushed. My attention is occupied I cant help but stare at the awkwardly beautiful boy who is leaning against the car behind her.His blazing green eyes never leaving her."Please behave and just." she seems weary as she puts her hand to her head .
"Fine! but if someone abducts me I'm telling dad."
"Laila...Stop it." She rolls her eyes and turns back toward him .
*
Till this day those blazing green eyes haunt me ...He took her away I'm sure of it.The way he looked at her never felt right it always felt like he was hiding something it always felt as if she wasn't safe with him. Every time I walked away I feared it would be the last time I ever saw her again. It seemed silly then every time she came back home but when it became reality I felt like kicking myself in the head for not listening to my better judgment.So I blame myself for her absence.If I loath anyone its not her its me.Its pathetic really my screaming angrily into the darkness .Nothing of it is coherent in my mind or out loud, as the shouts soon turn into sobs I realize again I'm truly all alone and this is how it will always be .Its too much to take the forest feels as if its closing in. I hold my chest as I race out of the out of the cold darkness into the clearing... the moonlight illuminates my skin again and I know I'm safe . Looking back at the forest I cant help but feel as if its a monster just waiting to pull me in and never let go. Each moment I spend in there I get closer to never seeing the sky again . The wind whispers all around me as I walk alone this time back to our father ,I guess I'm use to it now.
"I'm getting tired of waiting up for you." My dads eyes looks empty as he gestures for me to hurry up and get inside."You're going to get sick from spending so much time in the rain."
"Yeah, sorry dad ." I don't bother making anymore small talk as I walk past him and up the stairs.
"Goodnight Laila."
"Goodnight." It feels routine as I slam the door shut and slip out of my wet clothes. The still of the night puts pressure on my ears the only sound is that of the rain lightly hitting the window pushing me farther into a dream like state.
*
"You have to come with me!" his blazing green eyes now the darkest emerald .
"I wont leave her alone." She pulls away from him." She'll be in danger without me!"
"And she'll be in even more danger with you." His stare is pleading now as he pulls her closer ."You wont live if you stay ...I-I cant have that."
"What if he kills them ?!" Her blue eyes appear drained .
"He wont even get to them I promise ,Jared will take care of it ...you have my word."
"Damn you Jensen." Tears roll down her cheeks as she looks back toward her house one last time." If something happens to her you have to promise you will end my life as well..."
"You're completely impossible-"
"Promise me god dammit!" Her fist pounds against his chest without any give he stands there staring down at her.
"Nothing.is.going.to.happen." He reassures her once more as he opens the passenger door. Nothing else is said as she breaks away from his stare and steps into the car. The door slams shut and in a second hes already situated in the driver seat driving the car to its full speed potential.
*
"Jess.." My eyes flicker open my darting around my room as I try my best to take in as much air as possible and establish that it was just a dream. Jensen ? I never really bothered with details like the name of the awkward guy and I'm pretty sure even if he did have a name it probably wasn't Jensen ... I'm not going to rely on my dreams to tell me the truth .
"Get up you're Going to be late for school ." My dads voice sounds muffled from behind the door.
"I'm awake!" I know its unnecessary to shout but its annoying when he breaks my train of thought.
"Well good morning ." He tries to force a smile.As I step out of my room.
"Good morning." My smile coming out just as force as his. I need to hurry up and get away from him before he starts trying to say I love you ." Bye dad." My words come out a lot more soft then I intended.
"With a high chance of thunderstorms.." The radio fades into the background as the school parking lot comes into view. I'm not looking forward to another day of being here of pretending to fit in with all the other kids and they're made up problems . Not knowing who to date next is hardly a end of the world dilemma.
"Laila on time as always." Mrs.Catcher the science teachers comments sarcastically as she writes something and hands it to me."Principles office now."
"Way to go Constantine!"
"Quiet down Jason." The teacher looks annoyed as she continues to write on the projector.I keep my composure quietly exiting the room. So much for school today ...the crumpled piece of paper lands perfectly in the trash bin as I pass by and effortless drop it. Skipping doesn't bother me as much as it use to senior year is just a bunch of coasting anyways . The cold air hits me like knives making it difficult to walk back toward my truck my legs cant seem to move fast enough even as I try to run .I'm probably going insane but I always feel uncomfortable as if someones constantly watching me.Its never fun especially when everything makes me paranoid.The engine roars on and allows the heater to provide more heat.Where to go now, I'm sure as hell not going home .... no definitely not.
***
From time to time I blank out of my life as if I blink my eyes in one scene and open them to another .This time opening my eyes to the blur of ocean water . My body goes into full panic as I push away from the black waves swimming back toward the shoreline."oh god."I hunch over coughing out as much water as possible the sand feels like heaven as I turn around and lay on my back...."Oh god." I cant seem to say anything else. I'm suicidal now ? Usually when I have these episodes I wake up in my room safe in my bed. The wind picks up and I cant stop myself from shivering and letting out a few tears in the process.I'm not even sure how I got back to the shore so fast... but its too much to figure out right now.So I let go letting my self slip into unconsciousness.
"I swear this is getting old ... I cant even leave you alone for thirty minutes without you trying to kill yourself." His strangely familiar voice fades into my darkness as a ice cold chill takes over my body.
*
"Laila!" she smiles widely as I run toward her. "Hurry up, dad is sure to be worried sick about us by now."
"I know but do we really have to go just yet?" I keep my eyes on the canopy of green that shields the sun from the forest ground.
"Well we could stay but Its no guarantee that will be the best thing to do.We could get eaten by a bear or something." My eyes grow wide and without another word I rush toward the clearing . "I'm kidding calm down." Her footsteps speed up behind me ."Here hold my hand ,I don't want you to trip, dad wouldn't let me hear the end of it if you came back all bruised."
"I'm fine Jess ! I'm not going to fall." Shes only two years older than me but she acts as if I'm ten years younger.
"Please behave and just..." and like that I reach for her hand and grab a hold of it . Please behave and just: its what she usually says to get me to be quiet and do as she says which is always the right thing .Its quiet as we walk through the tall sunflowers, the sun hits off the yellow petals making them out to be made of gold .
"Do you think we will ever see mom again ?" Her grip on my hand tightens.
"You're thirteen years old Laila. Please stop pretending like its not her fault that she left."
"I'm sorry I just...never mind." I don't blame her for being upset after all she basically had to be mom for me since I was five years old and through it all our father never once showed her any gratitude for it.At times it felt like he blamed her more than thanked her ."I love you Jess."
"I love you too Laila and don't you ever second guess that." And I wont second guess it I know she truly means what she says ."Now come on before dad comes out here and gets mad for something were not even doing." She holds the front door open and moves me along then steps in and shuts the door."
*
Thunder brings me back to the present Its been four years since then...Four years since Ive seen my sister."I don't believe him" My voice whispers to the darkness."I know you didn't leave me because you wanted to... you promised." In the back of my mind I try to find the resentment the one he tries to make it seem he feels towards her, but I cant my heart is too broken to carry such a heavy grudge. I feel empty as I hold myself to keep warm ...I don't know where shes gone and I'm scared to death of the fact that she might not even be alive anymore .The cops stopped looking for her on her eighteenth birthday; just one of the many I didn't get to celebrate with her. I don't feel safe here anymore the forest makes my pulse race and I sweat even in the coldness but I try my best to stay as long as I can. Hoping for a sign of what might have happened to her of what might have been the last thing she saw. The tears sting my cheeks ...they're all in vein, they wont bring her back home. "Laila." the ghost of her voice echos from behind me confusing my mind.I'm treading between what is real and what is all in my memories.
*
"Go home." Her blue eyes seems ice cold as she points for me to go away .
"I don't know why you're being this way to me!" The frustration is evident in my voice. "I don't think you're being fair."
"Laila! Go home! NOW!" Her face is flushed. My attention is occupied I cant help but stare at the awkwardly beautiful boy who is leaning against the car behind her.His blazing green eyes never leaving her."Please behave and just." she seems weary as she puts her hand to her head .
"Fine! but if someone abducts me I'm telling dad."
"Laila...Stop it." She rolls her eyes and turns back toward him .
*
Till this day those blazing green eyes haunt me ...He took her away I'm sure of it.The way he looked at her never felt right it always felt like he was hiding something it always felt as if she wasn't safe with him. Every time I walked away I feared it would be the last time I ever saw her again. It seemed silly then every time she came back home but when it became reality I felt like kicking myself in the head for not listening to my better judgment.So I blame myself for her absence.If I loath anyone its not her its me.Its pathetic really my screaming angrily into the darkness .Nothing of it is coherent in my mind or out loud, as the shouts soon turn into sobs I realize again I'm truly all alone and this is how it will always be .Its too much to take the forest feels as if its closing in. I hold my chest as I race out of the out of the cold darkness into the clearing... the moonlight illuminates my skin again and I know I'm safe . Looking back at the forest I cant help but feel as if its a monster just waiting to pull me in and never let go. Each moment I spend in there I get closer to never seeing the sky again . The wind whispers all around me as I walk alone this time back to our father ,I guess I'm use to it now.
"I'm getting tired of waiting up for you." My dads eyes looks empty as he gestures for me to hurry up and get inside."You're going to get sick from spending so much time in the rain."
"Yeah, sorry dad ." I don't bother making anymore small talk as I walk past him and up the stairs.
"Goodnight Laila."
"Goodnight." It feels routine as I slam the door shut and slip out of my wet clothes. The still of the night puts pressure on my ears the only sound is that of the rain lightly hitting the window pushing me farther into a dream like state.
*
"You have to come with me!" his blazing green eyes now the darkest emerald .
"I wont leave her alone." She pulls away from him." She'll be in danger without me!"
"And she'll be in even more danger with you." His stare is pleading now as he pulls her closer ."You wont live if you stay ...I-I cant have that."
"What if he kills them ?!" Her blue eyes appear drained .
"He wont even get to them I promise ,Jared will take care of it ...you have my word."
"Damn you Jensen." Tears roll down her cheeks as she looks back toward her house one last time." If something happens to her you have to promise you will end my life as well..."
"You're completely impossible-"
"Promise me god dammit!" Her fist pounds against his chest without any give he stands there staring down at her.
"Nothing.is.going.to.happen." He reassures her once more as he opens the passenger door. Nothing else is said as she breaks away from his stare and steps into the car. The door slams shut and in a second hes already situated in the driver seat driving the car to its full speed potential.
*
"Jess.." My eyes flicker open my darting around my room as I try my best to take in as much air as possible and establish that it was just a dream. Jensen ? I never really bothered with details like the name of the awkward guy and I'm pretty sure even if he did have a name it probably wasn't Jensen ... I'm not going to rely on my dreams to tell me the truth .
"Get up you're Going to be late for school ." My dads voice sounds muffled from behind the door.
"I'm awake!" I know its unnecessary to shout but its annoying when he breaks my train of thought.
"Well good morning ." He tries to force a smile.As I step out of my room.
"Good morning." My smile coming out just as force as his. I need to hurry up and get away from him before he starts trying to say I love you ." Bye dad." My words come out a lot more soft then I intended.
"With a high chance of thunderstorms.." The radio fades into the background as the school parking lot comes into view. I'm not looking forward to another day of being here of pretending to fit in with all the other kids and they're made up problems . Not knowing who to date next is hardly a end of the world dilemma.
"Laila on time as always." Mrs.Catcher the science teachers comments sarcastically as she writes something and hands it to me."Principles office now."
"Way to go Constantine!"
"Quiet down Jason." The teacher looks annoyed as she continues to write on the projector.I keep my composure quietly exiting the room. So much for school today ...the crumpled piece of paper lands perfectly in the trash bin as I pass by and effortless drop it. Skipping doesn't bother me as much as it use to senior year is just a bunch of coasting anyways . The cold air hits me like knives making it difficult to walk back toward my truck my legs cant seem to move fast enough even as I try to run .I'm probably going insane but I always feel uncomfortable as if someones constantly watching me.Its never fun especially when everything makes me paranoid.The engine roars on and allows the heater to provide more heat.Where to go now, I'm sure as hell not going home .... no definitely not.
***
From time to time I blank out of my life as if I blink my eyes in one scene and open them to another .This time opening my eyes to the blur of ocean water . My body goes into full panic as I push away from the black waves swimming back toward the shoreline."oh god."I hunch over coughing out as much water as possible the sand feels like heaven as I turn around and lay on my back...."Oh god." I cant seem to say anything else. I'm suicidal now ? Usually when I have these episodes I wake up in my room safe in my bed. The wind picks up and I cant stop myself from shivering and letting out a few tears in the process.I'm not even sure how I got back to the shore so fast... but its too much to figure out right now.So I let go letting my self slip into unconsciousness.
"I swear this is getting old ... I cant even leave you alone for thirty minutes without you trying to kill yourself." His strangely familiar voice fades into my darkness as a ice cold chill takes over my body.