Sweet, Sweet Superstar

When I was in high school, I used to stare out the window at the cars flying by and wished I could be them, to be free and not have any place I needed to be. But all of those people had a place to be too. They fit into their own little place in the world that was for only them. For some it was work, others it was fun, and some it was even a place they dreaded going to. That's where I fit in when I was 16, but now that I'm 21 and just graduated from college; I had no clue where my place was in the world. Tony knew where his was. Yes, he knew that his place was in San Jose, living the dream he had always wanted- a dream that would take him away from me. But like I had dreamed about then, it was his place, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

My thoughts were sad as I walked along the sidewalk in the mall* to a bench where my parents were meeting me, coincidentally the same one I had met Tony at with his parents two years ago. I sighed softly, my feet padding against the ground as I blinked back tears. They were tears of joy, sadness, fear, and pain. All of the emotions came together and mixed into my eyes. But the one that stood out the most was the pain. I was physically in pain when I looked up and didn't see Tony sitting next to my parents. I thought he would be there that if he actually cared about me; he would attend my college graduation. But he wasn't there, and that was just another one of the wake up calls he had been dealing me in the past couple years.

I was starting to see that I was the only one who felt the love. That I was the only one who was forever changed by our relationship and the words he used to whisper into my ear all the time. I was the only one who felt something they had never felt before. I fell faster and harder than I ever imagined and I thought I had been caught when in reality- Tony braced my fall for a little while before he let me drop to the ground. But I didn't hit hard, so I never noticed the heartbreak I was about to feel. He laid me down softly, kissed me on the head and walked away, disappearing in the mist as I watched his retreating back. I shook my head, wanting to clear the image out of my head.

During the big moments of my final year as a college student was when I thought about Tony. The first time I got so trashed I didn't remember anything the night before, Kara had to recall the details to me; I thought of how pissed Tony would be if he knew. The night the Gophers won the WCHA title for the first time since Tony was a freshman; I stood up there and clapped with the other thousands of Gopher fans in the arena, wishing like hell Tony could be here to see his team, the few remaining of them, smiling and laughing, years of trouble behind them. The night of my first one night stand and the morning after. I cried, feeling as if I let Tony down, as if he deserved for me to save myself for him. I cried because the guy didn't think about my needs, instead it was all about him. I sobbed, thinking that only Tony would ever make me feel so incredible that I was rendered speechless. But I was able to see the light. There were people before Tony and there would be people after.

The crowd cleared and I walked slowly over to where my parents stood with my sister and her husband, along with their five month old daughter ,Peyton. Her eyes shone as my mom and her new husband bounced the baby while my dad and his new wife kept their eyes trained on me. I smiled at my dad who looked so proud that it made my chest swell with pride. My parents approval of me had always been high on my list, even higher than Tony's.

"Well there is a sight I never thought I'd see," Kayla teased me, her smile, identical to mine, playing out on her lips. I rolled my eyes at my older sister, cooing at the baby in her arms.

"Hi Peytey," I stuck my tongue out at her, watching as she giggled wildly. "Was that boring for you? Huh? It was boring for me." I giggled as my parents shook their heads, smiling at me.

"I'm very proud of you, Brianna," my mom smiled, pulling her attention away from her grand baby and putting it on me.

"Thanks," I blushed as she hugged me tightly. I turned to my dad next who was trying to hid the obvious tears in his eyes. I shook my head, winking at him as I wrapped my arms around his thick neck. I squeezed him tight, knowing it was hard for him to see his baby girl so grown up. I was the youngest and to see me finally graduating for the last time and entering the world was hard.

"So how did it feel to finally walk across the stage?" My sister murmured to me, handing Peyton to her husband Ryan.

"Good. I felt like I actually accomplished something in my life." I smiled thinking of all the studying, homework, and money it took for me to get here, standing in a black gown.

"Well, we have reservations for 7:00 at Buca, so we need to get going." My dad checked his phone as I nodded. My mom and her husband walked past first, then my sister and Ryan, and finally I was left with only my dad. He smiled down at me and then nodded his head in the direction of Coffman Union. I gave him a weird look before glancing that way. My heart slammed to a stop in my chest, so much so that it made me take a step backwards. But when it began again; my heart was pounding so much that it made my chest ache. Sitting on a bench a ways down, was the hockey player who still held my heart in his hands, even if it had a few extra chips in it. "I would hear him out. I want to see you happy."

"Daddy, I don't think I can talk to him." I whispered, taking my eyes off of Tony to look at my dad's worn face. He smiled at me, shrugging his shoulder as my eyes were pulled back to Tony. He was leaning forward with his eyes trained on me in a pair of black dress pants and a silky blue shirt, a white tie hanging down from his neck. He wore his glasses and he looked exhausted. I titled my head to look at him, licking my lips before sighing and nodding to my dad. "I'll be there in a minute."

"You don't need to rush. It's a beautiful day for a walk." He winked at me once more before he began to walk away, his hands stuffed into his pockets.

I kept my eyes trained on my dad because then I wouldn't have to turn to look at the man who had ripped my heart open. But just by being here, he repaired years of damage. I pursed my lips, sucking in a deep breath as a gust of wind hit me. I felt as if it was some unknown force telling me to listen to my intuition for a second. Listen to the beat of my heart and what my body was telling me. Graduation meant leaving the past behind and moving on to the future. Today was the day I decided if Tony was a part of my past, or a part of my future.

I slowly moved towards him, keeping my eyes on the grey concrete below my gold heels. My footsteps clicked against the ground as my heart started to beat so erratic in my body that it made me shake. I got to the bench, looking down at Tony who was looking up at me with a soft face. He pulled his bottom lip roughly into his mouth, munching on it before sighing.

"Hi," he started out.

My eyes closed at the sound of his voice and the way it wrapped around me like a blanket of strength that would keep me afloat. His simple conversation starter seemed just that, too simple for the year of not talking that he had place upon me. But for the first time since the calls from San Jose stopped coming, I place the blame not only on Tony, but also on myself. Had I ever tried to contact him after our night together? No.

"Hi." I responded, repeating his sigh. He ran a hand through his hair, licking his lips and breaking our awkward eye contact. I looked away also, across the mall to where we had spent a majority of the spring his senior year. We both smile at the memory of dozing lazily under the trees in the mall, his fingers running through my hair that had fanned out across his chest. I looked back to him, crossing my arms over my chest. "Why are you here?" I asked him, flinching at how harsh my voice sounded.

"I told you I'd be here," he answered softly, his green eyes looking up at mine. I could see the pain and the joy in them- he was proud of me, but he knew being here meant getting an ass chewing from me.

"You also told me you'd call." I snapped back to him, "but you failed to do that didn't you?" I asked him, tilting my head at him. I could feel the anger, the most prominent of my emotions, pushing out against the love that still begged and reached out for Tony. But I knew my eyes gave me away. He could see the vast amount of love in the sparkling green just like I could see it in his.

"Brianna, I'm sorr-"

"No, Tony. You're not sorry. Because if you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. You wouldn't have left my bed that night."

"Bri, that's not fair." He tried to reason with me.

"How is that not fair?! It's not fair for me to call you out on your mistakes, but it's fair for you to just keep me waiting. It's fair for you to come back here and mess up my life after I tried to move on? Is that fair, Tony? No. It's not." I scoffed at him, feeling the terrible sensation of tears burning my eyes.

"It's not fair because I was doing what was best for you." He told me, standing up so that he wasn't looking up at me. But now I had to look up at him- even with my heels, Tony towered over me. "Don't be mad." He practically whimpered out.

"Tony, you can't show up here after not talking to me for a year and expect me not to be mad at you. And how is making me feel like shit and unwanted what was best for me? Please explain that because I just can't seem to wrap my head around it." I gave him a dirty look, my weight resting on one hip, arms firmly crossed over my chest.

"If I called you everyday, would you do your homework?" Tony asked me, pacing a couple steps before turning to look at me. He had a frantic look in his eyes.

"Yes." I answered immediately, giving him a duh look.

"No. Wrong. You wouldn't, and you want to know why? Because being away from me sucks. It sucked for me to be away from you too, but you wouldn't do your homework and you wouldn't go to class because you would be too wrapped up in when I was going to call. You wouldn't want to miss it. It killed me to not call and check up on you. It physically hurt. But you know what, I had to do it. I had to do it for you because I had too much of a hold on you. I was scared that I was changing you. When I met you Brianna, you were this strong, independent woman and when I left, your crumpled like poorly stacked rocks. That is not okay, and it scared me."

"So what, you were like a drug to me and you had to wain me off of it?" I asked him, raising my eyebrows. I didn't want to listen to him. I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and yell at the top of my lungs so I could drown out his voice. Everything he was saying was true. He was right, and even though knowing that made me feel a large amount of relief, it scared me. He knew me better than I knew myself even after being away for so long.

"No, I never want to lose my hold over you. I just wanted you to ignore it while you were in school." He tried to smile, but with the hurt expression on my face he couldn't. "This was never about not loving you. It was about loving you enough to be away from you. You needed this; we needed this."

"I never wanted you to leave," I whispered to him, pursing my lip against the sobs that pushed against my ribcage.

"I didn't want to leave you." He murmured to me, reaching for my forearms.

Once he gripped them, my skin broke out into a fit of goosebumps and when I didn't flinch or pull away from his touch, Tony pulled me into his chest. My arms wrapped around him tightly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as the tears fluttered down my cheeks. I sighed softly, telling God that if this was a dream; I never wanted to wake up. His hands pressed into my back, pushing me against him as if he needed me as much as I needed him. People passed us, none of them paying attention as I cried softly, not even worrying about my mascara and how it would bleed into his blue shirt.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," I sniffed once I had a grip on myself. Tony helped me wipe the make up out from under my eyes, his thumbs brushing softly against the skin. "Do you want to come with to dinner?" I sighed it out, looking up at Tony's smiling face and breathing out a laugh. "I'll take that as a yes."
***

"Tell me about San Jose," I whispered later that night as we sat on the porch steps of my mom's house in Blaine.

"What about it?" He asked me, his arms wrapped around my waist as I leaned back into his chest. We stared out at the setting sun, able to see it from our spot due to the secluded place my mom has chosen to build her house.

"Is it pretty? Would I like it?"

"Yeah it is pretty. I think you could learn to love it; I have. But there isn't snow." He placed a soft kiss against my forehead as I giggled softly.

"I love it already because you're there."

“Yeah? Well I think you’re going to like the place I live.” He murmured to me, his arms tightening around my wrists. I sighed softly, watching as my family dog, Loki, bounced around in the front yard, snapping his teeth at the mosquitoes. He liked to eat them and then get treats when my mom saw him do it.
 
“Why is that?” I wondered, so curious about the place Tony had been staying for the past couple years.
 
“Because my walls are bare. They need some sort of decoration and I thought you would like to do that.” We both chuckled softly.
 
“It will be very feminine, just so you know.” Tony let his head fall back, laughing up to the pink and purple sky- the horizon beginning to bruise as the sun went down.
 
“I have no doubt about that.”
 
“You’re not going to mind having a pink bedroom and comforter!?” I asked him, looking over my shoulder at him as he cringed. He opened one eye, looking at me to see if I was serious. I gave him a sexy grin and he groaned, but shook his head no none the less.
 
“As long as you’re sleeping next to me, it won’t matter.” I pouted my bottom lip at him, his words so sweet and caring. He squeezed me tighter in his arms, leaning down and placing his lips softly on my cheek as the wind blew my hair away from my face. I sighed contently; there was nothing like the warm summer wind bringing a feel of being wrapped in an embrace.
 
“I can’t believe you haven’t hit me yet,” Tony breathed out, his lips moving right against my ear and making me shiver with his words. I wasn’t going to lie, when I first saw him sitting on the bench, my first reaction to hit him was drowned out by the shock and joy that he was actually there. I pondered my answer, biting softly on my lip before I rotated so I was straddling his lap.
 
“There was something about the look in your eyes.” I told him honestly, remembering the way they gave me a look into his soul, seeing how hard it was for him to leave. “If you didn’t love me, it wouldn’t have been that hard. Plus, my dad always used to tell me, don’t let the sadness of your past affect the happiness of your future. You’re my future Tony- you always were.” I leaned forward as he wrapped his large hand around the back of my neck, tugging my face down to him. Our foreheads rested together, green eyes closed before Tony tilted my chin up to place a kiss against my lips. I sighed softly, missing this after him the long time apart.
 
“Do you understand my note now?” He asked when we broke the kiss for air. His hands threaded through my hair even as the wind made the hairs tickle my cheeks.
 
“Yes. But you were right; I didn’t get it at the time. I wish you would have stayed and tried to explain it then.” I told him honestly my palms rested flat against his chest. My eyes trailed from his chest up to his own eyes were he was giving me a sheepish look and smile.
 
“I wouldn’t have left if you woke up. I would have laid there with you forever. I would have missed my plane and said to hell with San Jose because you have always been enough for me. You have been it from the day I met you and you professed your love to me.” He winked down at me as I sighed softly, remembering the drunken night that had turned into the rest of my life.

"I probably would have begged you to stay," I whispered truthfully, the sound of my voice carrying with the wind. I looked up at the sky, seeing the twinkling of the bright summer stars. The night was peaceful, the perfect kind of night for a peace between the two of us.

"It wasn't easy; I hope you know that." Tony murmured, breaking me from my stare down with the sky.

"I know, but it's okay now. We're together." I mused to him, laying my head against his shoulder. Now that the sun was down, the cool summer air was starting to swirl around us.

"Brianna?" Tony called to me.

"Hm?"

"Thank you." I pulled away, looking down at him with a wondrous expression. My eyes were half awake as a yawn passed through my lips. Tony ran a hand through my hair as he laid his head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his head, dropping a kiss on his dark locks.

"For what?" I murmured against his head my lips pressing to his hair with every word. The fine strands tickled my lips, making me wiggle in response.

"For putting up with all my crap and still loving me after everything I did to us. I'm done playing games and trying to protect you from me. I just want to be together. I want to stay head over heels in love with you for the rest of my life."

"I think we can manage that." I giggled as he tilted his head up, pressing his lips to mine.

"Then do me a favor?" His green eyes sparkled with a secret as he began to dig in his pocket. I pulled away, looking down at him with a suspicious expression. Tony could make crazy demands and I wasn't sure if I was up for them with my mom a couple hundred feet away.

"Depends," I told him skeptically. I smirked at him as he rolled his eyes, extracting his hand from his pocket.

"Marry me."