Let Me Fall

I fiddle with my hands as I nervously swing my legs back and forth. I bite my bottom lip and glance down at the white paper covering the examination table, shifting uncomfortably. I can’t believe that I’m in here. Correction, I cannot believe that I’m in here for this.

My head shoots up at the sound of the opening door and I anxiously watch the woman as she enters the room. She holds the answer that I desperately need to hear. My life, my education, my entire future rests in this woman’s hands, and I need to know which direction I am going in. Am I going to be able to continue down the path I am currently taking, or will everything come to screeching halt and turn my entire world upside down?

She doesn’t say anything. Not yet. She’s just looking at that stupid clipboard in her hands, probably looking over the results and trying to figure out the best way to tell me the news. If that’s the case, then I’m afraid to know the answer. But I have to know sooner or later… I might as well ask her before she tries to sugarcoat everything.

My body slightly trembles as I try to find my voice, praying that it comes out steady and strong.

“So?” I ask softly, my voice failing me and shaking just like the rest of me.

She looks up at me and tears begin to sting at my eyes. She doesn’t need to say a single word; her eyes say it all. It’s all right there in those icy blue eyes, the pity, and the sympathy, all telling me the answer that I didn’t want to hear. The answer that I had hoped and prayed I wouldn’t get. The tests I took at home were right…

“I see…” I sniffle, trying my best to maintain any ounce of composure that I have left. I hate crying in front of people, and I hate people pitying me even more. “And how accurate is it? Could it be wrong?” I ask hopefully, praying to God that there is a good chance that none of this is true. Maybe this is all just some simple error and everything is really fine. I can only hope.

“I’m afraid they are pretty accurate, close to one hundred percent when taken correctly,” she softly replies.

I draw my lips together in a thin line and nod my head as I blink hot tears out of my eyes. I’m not going to cry. I am not going to cry in front of a woman I barely know. “Well,” I sigh, straightening myself up. “I guess I’ll be going then.”

I hop off of the table and reach for my messenger back resting on the floor beside the table I was sitting on. I sling the bag around my shoulder and begin to head towards the door. The nurse gently places her hand on my arm and I stop in my tracks, turning my head to meet her blue gaze.

“It’ll be okay,” she says softly.

“Yeah,” I reply with a small nod and my best attempt at a smile. “Of course it will.”

“You have opt--”

“I know I do,” I softly cut her off. “Thank you, though.”

She simply nods her head, concern still written all over her face; concern that I try my best to ignore.

I grab the doorknob, pulling the door open, and turn to the right, making my way towards the end of the hallway. I keep my eyes trained on the teal colored carpet as I take quick, hurried steps to get out of the body as fast as I possibly can. Christian rock music floats through the air from the nearby radio, assaulting my ears and making my face grow hot with guilt.

After what feels like an eternity, I finally reach the door at the end of the hallway that leads to the small waiting room. A couple of eyes flicker up in my direction and I avert my eyes. I know they can’t, but I feel as if they can see right through me now. I feel like they know exactly why I am leaving the student health center on the verge of tears. I mean, what else could bring an eighteen-year-old girl to walk out of here in tears?

“Have a nice day!” the receptionist behind the desk calls out with a large smile on her face.

“Thanks; you too,” I reply in a fake chipper tone as I rush towards the exit.

I push the door open and walk out of the building into the cool autumn breeze. I air nips at my skin and I shove my hands in my hoodie pockets, hunching my shoulder up a bit before I continue up the concrete ramp that leads to the lower section of the three-story brick building; the upper levels are used for most of the business classes offered on campus while the lower level is reserved for the nurse’s office and the counseling center.

I reach the top of the ramp and step out onto the sidewalk, beginning my trek to my dormitory. I imagine that my boyfriend will be waiting for me right now since he doesn’t have class right now. I cross the street in front of the building, passing the administration office as I head towards the bridge that connects the dorms to the rest of the campus.

I play with the strap of my bag as I chew on my bottom lip, debating how I am going to tell my boyfriend the news. How exactly do you tell your boyfriend that you’re pregnant? No, how do you tell your boyfriend that you got pregnant your first time together? No, even better, how do you tell him that even though you used protection, it didn’t work? How will he react? And how do you respond to his reaction, whether it is good or bad?

I finally approach the building after a few more minutes of walking. I reach into my bag and dig for my wallet, extracting my cardkey so I can get into the building. I swipe the card through and watch the small red light flash to green, unlocking the door and granting me access inside. I open the door and walk in, grabbing one of the handles on the second set of doors and pulling it open. I walk into the hallway that leads into the lobby and step up to the elevator, pressing the button and gently tapping my foot as I wait for the lift. My eyes scan the lobby and I bite my lip, wondering if I’ll be standing here next semester waiting to get up to my room.

The elevator dings and yanks me out of my thoughts, causing me to turn my attention to the open doors in front of me. I go inside and press the button for the third floor, the doors close, and I hear the whirr of the elevator as it comes to life. I stare at the beige carpet and sniffle as I fight back the tears that have decided to fill up in my eyes once again.

God, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? I catch a glimpse of the claddagh ring on my left ring finger. I bite my lip as I look at the ring, my purity ring, and a whole new rush of guilt crashes over me. I shouldn’t even be wearing this thing anymore; I have no right to be wearing it…

I lift stops and I wait for the doors to open up. I wipe my eyes as I exit onto the floor and turn the corner, starting my way down to the hallway to my room, passing the suites until I reach mine. I grab the doorknob to my suite and sigh in relief to see that it’s unlocked. It would have been a pain knocking on it in hopes that he’ll be able to hear me and let me in. I walk to the door to my room and lightly touch the silver knob; it moves underneath my fingers and I open the door, walking into the room to see my boyfriend sitting at my desk with his eyes fixated on the computer screen.

I gently shut the door and he turns his head to look at me, a smile tugging at his lips at the sight of me. My heart flutters in my chest at the sight of his smile. I never dreamed that one person could make me feel this way, and now that I have him it all seems so unreal. Like a dream; a dream that might just end up turning into a nightmare…

“What are you doing here?” I ask him, trying my best to act as if everything is okay.

“You gave me your key this morning before you left for class so I could sleep in, remember?” he answers with a smirk on his face. “I love how you don’t have a roommate anymore. Now I can sleep over all the time.”

Sleeping over is what caused all of this in the first place…

“Sure I did, stalker.”

“I’m your favorite stalker, though,” he chuckles.

“Indeed, you are,” I whisper softly, my calm exterior beginning to gradually wear away.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

I shake my head. “Nothing.”

“Piper.”

“It’s nothing, babe.”

“Bullshit. I know you better than that. It’s not nothing; it’s something. Now please,” He takes a couple steps towards me and places a finger underneath my chin, lifting my head up so that my eyes meet his. “Tell me what is wrong.”

“Promise not to get mad?” I whisper softly, scared that even if he promises there will be an explosion of anger.

“Of course, sweetie. I could never be mad at you.”

I nod to myself and hug my body tightly as if it will stop me from falling apart. “You might wanna sit down for this.”

“O…Kay…” he trails off, eyeing me worriedly as he lowers himself onto my bed. “What is it?”

I let out a soft sigh, trying to figure out how to phrase this. But it’s so hard to do when I’m scared of how he is going to react. He has always talked about having kids and starting a family, but that is all supposed to happen after we are married and have steady careers going for us. It isn’t supposed to happen in our first semester of college while we are both unemployed with our only money being the cash we got from family and friends at graduation that we locked away in my closet in case of emergencies. It isn’t exactly the ideal world to bring a child into…

“Piper?”

“Sorry,” I nervously chuckle, if you can call it a chuckle, and take a couple steps towards the bed, sitting down next to him. I look up at him and my eyes meet his warm brown gaze. I always have loved his eyes; they are different from most brown eyes I’ve seen. His eyes are prettier than most because his have small flecks of green in them; as opposed to mine, which are just dark brown.

“It’s alright, sweetie,” he murmurs, gently brushing my hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. “I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

I softly scoff at the word ‘alright’. I am not alright; I am scared out of my mind, which in my book counts as being the exact opposite of alright.

“I’m not exactly alright,” I start slowly.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asks, knitting his eyebrows together and clasping my hands in his.

“I--” I sigh again, shaking my head. God, Piper, just say it already! “I just got back from the nurse…”

“You went to the nurse? Why? Are you sick? What’s wrong, Piper? Are you okay?” he asks, his voice beginning to grow panicked and frantic.

“I’m not sick,” I answer honestly. I may have felt sick, but I’m not…

“Then what is it?”

“I-- I’m three weeks late and I didn’t know what else to do…” I blink several times and try to keep my voice from breaking. His grasp on my hands begins to loosen, clearly not a good sign… “So I went down to the health center and took a test… And it came back positive…” A tear rolls down my cheek and I sniffle to stop my nose from running. “I’m pregnant.”

He immediately lets go of my hands and stares at me as if he is trying to read my face to see if I’m lying or playing the world’s worst joke on him. But why would I ever lie about something like this? Why would I even joke? What pleasure can I possibly get out of seeing him freak out for no good reason? My sense of humor can be twisted, but it’s not that twisted.

“You’re what?” he asks as if he didn’t hear me correctly.

“Pregnant,” I whisper, barely able to stand hearing the word pass from my lips.

“You can’t be,” he quickly shoots back, hopping off of the bed.

“I am. Why would I lie about this?” I reply, my walls breaking down and my voice trembling.

“It’s not mine then. It can’t be. We used a condom. We were fucking safe. There’s not goddamn way that this kid is mine!”

“The condom broke, remember? I could have gotten pregnant then…”

“No, that doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen; not to me, not to you, not to us,” he rejoinders, his head shaking in frustration.

“”But it did!”

“No, it couldn’t have. You…” His eyes flash with anger. “You cheated on me.”

“What!?” I exclaim in disbelief. “How could you even--”

“Because that bastard sure as hell isn’t mine!” he retorts, pointing his index finger at my stomach. “It can’t be mine.”

“It is!”

He shakes his head again and scoffs. “No, it’s not. There is no way in hell that it can be. You’re just trying to pin this all on me because you don’t want everyone to know what a fucking whore you are,” he seethes.

Whore? Did he really just say that to me? Did he really just call me that?

“What? How can you--”

“I’m not going to get caught in your little trap, Piper,” he growls. “I refuse to let you fuck up my life because you made some stupid mistake.”

“Fuck up your life? What about my life?”

“You fucked that up the moment you decided to be a fucking whore and spread your legs.”

I bite my lip and shake my head. There is no way that this is happening… This can’t be happening. Not now, not with us.

“We’re through,” he spits.

“What?” I breathe, looking up at him as my heart pounds in my ears.

“We are done. I’m not sticking around with some girl who is going to try to trap me for the rest of my life with a kid that isn’t even mine. We’re over.”

“But--”

I don’t get to finish my sentence.

He walks out of the room, slamming the door behind him before I can say another word. I stare blankly at the door with tears leaking out of my eyes. My body beings to shake and my sobs become louder, stronger, and I can barely sit up on the bed anymore. I pull my legs up to the mattress and lie down on my side, hugging my knees to my chest as I let the tears flow freely down my face.

He just left me…

He left me alone with this baby…

A baby that I can’t possibly take care of on my own…

What am I going to do?

I look down at my knees and my eyes catch sight of the sapphire stone in my ring. Sapphire… I remember why of all the birthstones I could have picked from I chose sapphire for the stone heart. I had gotten the sapphire because it’s his birthstone and he’s the one who has my heart… And now look what he’s done with it; he smashed it into a million tiny pieces.

I pull the ring off of my finger and let it fall onto the floor. I don’t have any right to be wearing the stupid thing anymore anyway. All it does is remind me of the mistakes that I’ve made; the mistake of falling for him and being stupid enough to lose my virginity to him. I should have known better than to believe him; I should have kept my promise to wait. If I had then I wouldn’t be in this mess right now…

I feel so dirty and ashamed. I feel what I did was wrong and sinful. I feel like a disappointment to my family, to my parents especially. They have so much hope for me, for my future, and now it is all wasted.

What is going to happen to me when they find out? Will they kick me out with nowhere else to go? And how am I going to tell them in the first place? I can already see the heartbroken look on my mother’s face and frankly, it’s too much for me to even think about. And my dad… God, my dad… Now I’m not going to be his little girl anymore; I’m going to be the stupid girl, no, the whore, that got knocked up.

And what’s going to happen to me once the baby gets here? How am I going to take care of both of us? I can’t stay in school now; there’s no way I can manage to support the two of us without his help and stay in school. Something is going to have to suffer and go on the backburner and there is no way it can be the baby.

I’m scared of the future.

I am scared to death.