Let Me Fall

My pulse pounds in my ears, my stomach twists and turns, I nervously pick at my nails, and I bite my bottom lip as I stare down in front of me. What was I thinking when I said I could do this? How could I think that I could try to do this after my life has changed so much? There’s no way that I could possibly manage this, not now.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I mumble to myself, my eyes still fixated in front of me.

“Of course you can do this,” a reassuring voice says from behind me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I turn my head to see my mother standing beside me, a confident smile on her face. “How can you tell, Mom? It’s been--”

“It’s only been a year,” she finishes for me, gently tucking a small section of hair behind my ear. “You are going to be fine. You’re going to do wonderfully.”

“But what about…” I sigh and shake my head; my eyes dart back down to what’s the front of me and a pang hits my heart as I look down at the sleeping infant lying before me.

“He is going to be okay,” Mom points out to me. “I already agreed to take care of him while you’re gone.”

“I know you did, but… But I don’t think I can leave him,” I reply. Tears start to sting at my eyes and I sniffle, hoping that I’ll be able to keep the tears at bay.

“I know it’s going to be hard, sweetheart, but you can do it. Remember, you wanted to go back to school so you can give him a better life. You’ve only got a couple of classes today. I’m sure you’ll be able to manage being away from Trevor for that long.”

“I hope so,” I mumble, my eyes still fixated on my baby boy.

“You will. Now go ahead and get your stuff together. You need to get going pretty soon.”

I simply nod my head, reluctantly turning away from my son and heading to the corner of my room that I had shoved all my school stuff into. I pick up my messenger bag and open it up, checking to see if I have the notebook that I had designated for my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday classes.

I pull out my schedule from my pocket and look at the names of the classes that I will be going to today so I can find the corresponding books that go with them. I find the books and put them into the bag. I look check to see if I have a couple of pens and pencils before closing the bag. I softly curse under my breath as I lug the heavy schoolbag onto my shoulder.

God, I miss living in the dorm. Sure the food sucked, you always had to worry about roommates with boyfriends over, or wonder which prankster of the week was going to decide that pulling the fire alarm would be funny as hell, but at least you had a place that you could run to in between classes to switch out books and to kill a couple hours if you had huge gaps between your classes.

I walk back over to Trevor’s crib and I set the bag down onto the floor as I peer down at him. He squirms in his sleep and I watch as he blinks his eyes open. I bite my bottom lip as his big, brown eyes lock onto mine, and I feel like I’m ready to burst into tears. I don’t know what gets me more, the fact that I don’t want to leave him or the fact that he got his father’s eyes. His eyes are a constant reminder of his father, the boy who left me, the boy that only sees his son because a DNA test proved him to be Trevor’s father. Knowing what I know now about him, I wonder what ever made me want to date the guy in the first place. If I had known what he was really like, I would have stayed as far away from him as possible.

But if I had stayed away then I wouldn’t have Trevor, and even though I feel like being with his father was a huge mistake, I love my little boy more than anything in the world. He’s brightened up my life and I know that I’ve matured since I’ve had him. I just wish that he could have the happy family that he deserves, that he could have his dad around, but my ex doesn’t want to be around him. He has only seen him once every other week at best for the last six months.

“Look who’s smiling!” my mother coos, pulling me out of my thoughts and bringing my attention back down to my son to see him grinning widely at me.

“Hey, Trev!” I smile, reaching down into the crib for him and picking him up. “How’s my big boy?” I ask as I place him onto my hip.

He happily laughs at me and rests his head against my shoulder. I grin at him, fighting back tears as they begin to well up in my eyes. I can’t leave him now; he’s so happy.

“Does he need to be changed?” Mom asks.

“Surprisingly, no,” I reply as I gently rock him. “Mommy took care of that when you work up at five in the morning, didn’t she? Yes, she did,” I say to Trevor, making him laugh again. “Mom, I can’t do this; he’s too cute!”

“Piper, you can’t stay home with him forever.”

“I know I can’t,” I sigh. “But I can stay with him for another six months.”

“Piper, you need to go to school. Remember, you’re not just doing this for you, you’re doing this for him,” she point out.

I bite my bottom lip and look back at the little boy in my arms. “I know… It’s just hard to even think of leaving him right now, Mom. Maybe I was wrong when I thought I could go back to school this semester.”

“No, you weren’t, Piper. You can do this; you just need to remember why you’re doing this. Now when is your first class?”

“Um… I don’t remember,” I mumble. “Can you hold him so I can check?”

“Of course.”

I carefully pass Trevor on to my mom. If he cries then it’s a sign that I need to stay home and try again next semester when he’s a little older. But to my slight disappointment, he happily goes to his grandma, grinning as she talks to him. I dig my schedule out of my pocket and quickly skim it, finding my first class of the day.

“My first class is at ten,” I answer as I fold the paper back up and slip it into my right front pocket.

“Well, then you should get going now so you aren’t late to your first class of the day. You might get lost trying to find the building or anything like that.”

“Mom, it’s the same school I went to before. I’m not going to get lost trying to find the building that I have class in. I can take Trev back for a bit before I have to leave.”

“Piper, I know better than to give him back now. You are looking for any excuse you can find to stop you from going to class and you’ll use him being all comfortable as an excuse. Now go ahead and head over to school. Trevor’s going to be fine.”

“Are you su--”

“Yes, I’m sure. Now go to school, sweetie. I promise we’ll be here when you get back.”

“Okay,” I say with a defeated sigh. I pick my bag up off of the floor and take a step towards my mom, lowering my head down so that I’m eye to eye with Trevor. “You be good for Grandma, okay, little man? I’ll see you when I get home.” I press my lips to his forehead and he wraps his arms around my neck. I reluctantly pull away from him and I feel a pang in my heart as I look at his smiling face. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“You have a good first day, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“No need to hurry. You can make friends.”

“Friends? Mom, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I chuckle. “Trevor’s all I need right now.”

“Piper.”

“Sorry, it’s just after all my friends basically left me and called me a whore after they found out I was pregnant just kinda puts a damper on how I view friendship.”

“I know you were hurt, but it doesn’t mean that everyone is a bad guy. Let’s face it; you can’t keep hanging out with people my age anymore. You need some friends your own age.”

“People who are my age? You do realize that most of those people don’t have a kid waiting for them at home. And I’m not going to be one of those moms who goes out and parties instead of taking care of their baby.”

“I’m not telling you to ignore Trevor, Piper. But I am telling you that you can go out and make friends, have some fun. You don’t have to let being a mother stop you from living your life.”

“Mom…”

“I know, I know, you don’t want to talk about it. Have a safe drive, a good day at school, and I’ll see you when you get home.”

“Okay, Mom. And if you need any help at all with him I’m just a phone call away.”

“I’m sure we’ll manage without you for a few hours,” Mom smiles.

“Still, you know you can call and I’ll be on my way back as soon as possible.”

“Alright, sweetie. But try not to worry, just focus on having a good day back at school.”

“Okay.” I kiss my mom’s cheek. “I’ll see you later. I love you both.”

“We love you, too. Don’t we, Trevor? Say, ‘bye’ to Mommy! Say, ‘Bye, Mommy! Have a good day at school! I love you!’” Mom says as she waves Trevor’s tiny hand at me.

“Bye, guys!” I call out as I start to walk out of my room.

I walk down the hallway and make my way out to the kitchen. I grab my keys off of the counter and head on through the living room and out the front door. I unlock my car and slide in behind the wheel; I toss my book bag in the passenger seat and start up my Honda Civic. I pull out of the driveway and out onto the street. I glance in the rearview mirror and bite my lip as my house disappears in the distance.

I wish the day were over already…

~

I walk into my last class of the day and my eyes quickly scan over the familiar classroom. I had taken my seminar class in this room during my first semester here. I find a seat towards the back of the room and sit down, letting my eyes scan over the room and the couple of students waiting in here.

I never really thought I would be back here after having Trevor, and even though I was dreading going to school, it hasn’t been that bad. I just wish I was at home with my little boy instead. I mean, who knows what I could be missing while I’m in class? He’s learning more and more every day, and I don’t want to miss out on any of it.

I watch as more people filter into the room, some of them walking in in little groups while others scan the room for their friends and join them. I lightly chew on the inside of my lip, almost wishing that I could have someone to talk to; I know I must look like a weirdo sitting here in the back of the room all by myself. But it doesn’t mean I want friends, it just means that I wish I had someone to talk to when I’m at school; someone that I associate with only at school and nowhere else.

I shake my head and pull out my notebook and pencil for class. I open the spiral up to a blank page and write the date in the upper right hand corner before beginning to doodle. I rest my head on my left hand as I aimlessly draw on the paper, hoping that this next class will fly by so I can get home already. I’m antsy. I wanna see Trevor, I wanna hold him, I wanna hear his laugh, and I wanna see that adorable smile. Hell, I wouldn’t even mind hearing him cry, I miss him so much.

“Excuse me.”

“Hmm?” I respond, not bothering to look up from my paper.

“Um, I was just wondering if you were saving this seat for anyone,” he replies.

“Nope, not saving it for anyone. You’re more than welcome to it.”

“Thanks.”

“Mmhmm.”

I hear him set his stuff down; the legs of the desk lightly scrape against the floor as he sits down. “So, is this your first semester?” he asks.

I suck in my bottom lip, not sure how to answer the question. Technically, it isn’t my first semester… But it is in a sense it kinda is since I haven’t been here in a year. “Yeah, it is,” I reply, keeping eyes focused on my notebook. Maybe if I don’t look at him he’ll realize that I don’t feel like making small talk.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” he queries with an amused chuckle, and I release a heavy sigh.

“Not really one for talking to strange men I don’t know.”

“How do you know I’m weird? You don’t even know me.”

“Do you always sit down and talk to random people that you don’t know?” I question with a bored sigh.

“Only the ones that I think are worth talking to.”

I roll my eyes. It’s clear that someone thinks he’s a charmer. “Nice, how many times have you tried that line and actually had it work?”

He chuckles at me, probably shaking his head. “I wouldn’t know,” he replies. “You’re the first one I’ve tried it on today.”

I sigh, shaking my head from side to side. Not only does he think he’s a charmer, but he thinks he’s funny, too. He must have an ego the size of Mount Everest, and guys like that are the ones that you stay far, far away from. “And I’m certain that I won’t be the last.”

“You’re funny.”

“Well, at least that makes one of us.”

“So, what’s your name?” he asks, amusement lacing his voice.

I shake my head, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing my name. There’s no way I’m telling a sleazebag like him anything about me.

“Are you gonna make me guess?”

I still don’t respond, trying my best to focus on the random doodles I’m drawing on the page. When is class ever going to start? I swear to God this is the longest five minutes of my life.

“Alright; I’ll guess. Now, if I were to take a stab in the dark, I would say that you look like a… Piper.”

My hand freezes in place and I stare down at my paper. How the hell does he know my name?

“I take it that means I’m right. Well, Piper, I’m Brian.”

I draw my lips together and draw my brow in, still trying to figure out how he could possibly know my name. His voice isn’t familiar, and even though it is a common name, I’ve never had any friends named Brian; I don’t even think I know anyone named Brian. So how in the world does he know who I am? I inhale deeply through my nose and set my pencil down. I tuck my hair behind my ear and lift my head up, turning my head enough to look at this Brian character.

My gaze immediately goes to his eyes and my heart skips in my chest. He’s got really pretty brown eyes, perhaps some of the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. I scan over the rest of his face and I’m somewhat surprised that he’s actually very good-looking; strong jaw and high cheekbones. Of course it shouldn’t be all too surprising; there aren’t too many guys with so much confidence if they aren’t at least remotely attractive. Sure, he’s good-looking on the outside, but he’s ugly when you go past his skin.

But I don’t recall ever seeing him before. So how does he know who I am? I would surely remember if I’ve seen him before, there’s no way I could forget someone so attractive.

“H--”

“Sorry I’m late, guys!” someone calls out as they enter the room, and I quickly realize it’s the professor.

I turn my attention to the front of the room to the man that just entered the room. He’s not your typical looking professor, that’s for sure. But then again, the Psychology professors never seemed to fit the traditional mold. There was always something quirky about them, more laid-back about them, and I think that’s why I had enjoyed the Psychology course I took my first semester here.

“I’m Dr. Morgan and this is Abnormal Psychology. If you’re not supposed to be here, I suggest you get out of here and find the room you’re supposed to be in,” he says as he grabs a marker to write on the whiteboard with.

I pick up my pencil and watch him as he finishes writing the word “abnormal” on the board. I quickly scribble the word down onto my paper and put a dash beside it, ready to write down the definition I feel coming up.

“What does abnormal mean? What do we define as abnormal?” Dr. Morgan asks the class.

“Weird,” a girl on the other side of the room answers, and Dr. Morgan writes the word down on the board.

“Alright; what else?”

More people call out words that come to mind and the professor writes each one down on the board; I’ve quickly given up on trying to copy down all of them.

“Good; so how would we define abnormal behavior? Is it weird behavior? Is it strange behavior? How do we, as psychologists, define abnormal behavior?”

“Behavior that falls outside of what is defined as normal; it isn’t just maladaptive behavior but even geniuses can be seen as abnormal because their intelligence isn’t considered average.”

“Good point. What’s your name?”

“Brian.”

I turn my head to look at the boy sitting beside me; he’s got a small smile on his lips, clearly happy to see that he was able to show off his intelligence to the rest of the class.

“Alright, class, I hope you guys paid attention to what Brian said because he was close to the definition I was looking for.”

Dr. Morgan continues to talk, giving us his definition of abnormal behavior, but I can’t seem to stay focused on his lecture. Instead, my eyes drift over to Brian every few minutes, trying to figure out if the intelligence was a fluke or if he truly is a smart guy. I mean, let’s face it; most guys like him aren’t exactly the brightest bulbs. At least that’s what Kendall always told me.

I bite my lip as I slowly turn my head just enough to look at Brian. His eyes meet mine and I quickly try to make it look like I was looking out the window. I see a small smirk pull at his lips and he resumes taking notes; something I should probably do, too.

Class draws to an end and I begin packing up my things, stuffing them back into my messenger bag. I rise to my feet and sling the bag onto my shoulder, heading to the door as quickly as possible so I can get back home to Trevor. I make my way out of the room and step into the hallway. I shove my hand into my pocket to pull out my phone to call Mom and let her know I’m on my way home, but it’s not there. I momentarily freeze and walk towards the side of the hall so I don’t hold people up behind me.

I pat my pockets, checking to see if I looked in the wrong pocket and huff when I realize it’s not there. I open up my bag and begin to riffle through it in hopes that I tossed my phone in there and forgot about it.

“Where did I put you?” I mumble under my breath.

“Looking for this?”

I turn my head and see Brian standing behind me with my phone in his hand.

“Where--”

“It fell out of your hoodie pocket when you were walking out of here. You must have been in a rush because you didn’t even notice it fell out.”

“Oh… Thanks,” I reply, taking the phone from him.

“Not a problem, Piper,” he smiles, and I bite my lip.

“How do you even know my name?”

He chuckles at me and shrugs his shoulders. “Guess I’m just really good at guessing names.”

“I don’t buy it. Seriously, how do you know my name?”

“How about we make a deal? It’s one o’clock right now and I bet you haven’t had lunch yet. So, how about you let me take you out to lunch and I’ll tell you how I know?” he asks with a small smirk.

“You seriously don’t know when to quit, do you?” I ask with a light laugh.

“What can I say? I think you’re worth talking to. So, what do you say? Go to lunch with me?”

“I say that though it is tempting, and I would love to know how you know my name, it’s not worth going to lunch with you to find out. Sorry, Brian. I think you should go ahead and move on to your next target,” I tell him with a smirk of my own. “Oh! I think that blonde over there with the tacky clothes would be a nice choice. She looks stupid enough to fall for your cheesy lines.”

His mouth slightly hangs open and I can’t help but chuckle at the look on his face. I must admit, it feels good to shoot down a good-looking guy. I usually don’t talk to them since they don’t give me the time of day.

“Well, thanks for picking up my phone, Brian. I guess I’ll see you Friday,” I smile, turning on my heel and starting my way towards the stairwell.