Let Me Fall

I pull up into my driveway, put the car into park, and shut off the engine. I let out a long, heavy sigh as I tilt my head back against the headrest and stare out through the windshield. It’s only fifteen minutes ‘til three and I’m already exhausted. Of course, being exhausted isn’t exactly a new feeling to me. When you’re a single mother, you learn to function with little to no sleep every day. But I had imagined that going to school wouldn’t be as draining. Maybe my brain is just trying to adjust to the sudden change in routine and it’ll be alright in a week or two. At least I can hope that’s the case, because if it’s not, I don’t know how I will be able to last at least three more years of this.

I sigh again and pull my key out of the ignition. I reach for my messenger bag and pull it onto my lap before opening the door. I step out of the car and close the door, locking it while I sling the strap of the bag onto my right shoulder. I slowly trudge up to the front door, wondering why the hell text books have to be so damn heavy. Honestly, it’s as if they want us to break our backs carrying these damn things.

“Mom, Trevor, I’m home!” I call out as I take a step into the house, looking around the living room for any sign of them.

“Did you hear that, Trev? Who is that? Is that Mommy?” I hear my mom ask him from the kitchen, followed by a happy coo in response from Trevor. “Let’s go see Mommy!”

I smile as I walk over to the couch and drop my bag beside it, listening to the sound of Mom’s footsteps as she and Trevor make their way to the living room. A few more seconds pass and I see Mom walk into the room with Trevor resting comfortably on her hip. The smile on my face grows wider at the sight of my baby boy, and he grins back at me, very happy to see me.

“Hey, Trev!” I exclaim, taking a few steps towards them to take the happy infant from his grandmother. “Were you a good boy for Grandma?” I ask him as I pick him up and rest him on my hip. I kiss his cheek, and he giggles gleefully.

“He was a very good boy today,” my mom replies, pulling out the elastic from her hair and running her fingers through her long, messy, curly dark brown locks. “He just finished eating his lunch about twenty minutes ago.”

“Ooh! Was your lunch yummy, Trev?” I ask him, rubbing my nose to his cheek, receiving a delighted coo from him. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I just finished burping him, so he is a very happy baby now,” Mom tells me as she makes her way to the couch. She takes a seat and pats the empty space beside her. “Sit, I wanna know about your day.”

“What do you wanna know about?” I ask her as I sit down beside her, moving Trevor so that he’s sitting on my lap.

“How was it? Do you like your classes? Are your teachers good? Did you make any friends? You know, the same questions I’ve asked you on your first day ever since you started kindergarten,” she answers with a warm smile and a twinkle in her blue eyes.

I crack a smile and nod my head. She’s right; she has been asking me the same questions since kindergarten. “Well, my day wasn’t too bad. My classes today were pretty good. Most of the professors just went over the syllabus, but I still think I’ll like the courses. And in the one class, we didn’t go over the syllabus; we had a lecture instead, because the professor usually has so many kids skip the first day.”

“Sounds like a smart teacher. Which class was this?”

“Abnormal Psychology; I’m really looking forward to it. We’re going to go through the DSM, which is the manual that’s used as a guideline for diagnosing mental disorders and stuff. At least that’s what my professor said. I think it’s going to be a great class. Maybe I can finally figure out what’s wrong with Dad’s side of the family,” I joke, and Mom chuckles.

“I think you’d need more than one class to figure that bunch out,” she chortles. “Much, much more than one class.”

Trevor laughs, probably because he heard Mom laugh, but it still makes me smile nonetheless. “Well, I’m sure I will have many, many more Psych classes after this. It is going to be my major, after all.”

“Good point. So, do you like the teachers?”

“Yeah, they all seem pretty cool. I think I won’t have any problems with them. But I still need to talk to a couple of them, the ones that are strict with their attendance policy, and let them know that I might miss a few classes because of Trevor,” I reply, bouncing him on my lap and making him laugh a little more.

“Why? You know that I’ll take care of him while you’re in class.”

“I know, but I know that there are going to be days where I’m going to have to stay home with him. Like when he runs a fever and stuff like that. I wouldn’t be able to focus on school knowing that he’s ill; he needs me then, Mom.”

She simply nods her head, understanding where I’m coming from. “Well, I am sure they’re going to understand. You certainly aren’t the first mother to go to college.”

“Yeah, I’m hoping that they’ll understand.”

“They will; don’t worry,” she smiles, making me feel better. “So, what about friends; did you make any friends today?”

“Mom…” I groan, exasperated.

“I know, I know, they aren’t friends yet if you’ve just met them. You know what I meant. Did you talk to anyone? Did you at least try to make some new friends?”

“Um, I talked to one guy in my Abnormal Psych class,” I reply with a dismissive shrug.

“Oh,” she says, but I can see a smile starting to pull at her lips at the prospect of a friend. “Well, is he nice?”

“Um, yeah, he seems pretty nice.”

“What’s his name?”

“Brian,” I simply reply, hoping that she’ll stop prying. I mean, it’s not as if I’m actually going to end up being friends with Brian outside of school. At most, I’ll talk to him in class. Maybe even work on an Abnormal Psych project with him if I have to and we’re allowed to pick our partners. Other than that, I don’t really plan on having Brian in my life.

“Well, maybe Brian will end up being your friend,” Mom says, hopeful.

“Yeah, maybe he will,” I mumble, knowing very well that I will not be becoming friends with him anytime soon. I can’t be friends with him.

It’s not that I hate the guy or anything like that. He seems nice and all; very nice, actually. I just don’t see myself being friends with a guy like him. Sure, we may have had a good time together at lunch, but I don’t see a friendship blossoming from that. Besides, it doesn’t exactly seem like friendship is what he’s interested in. He just wants to get in my pants, add me to his list of conquests, and move on to the next girl that he finds to be interesting. That’s definitely not the makings, or the basis, of a strong friendship.

“So, did everything else go okay today?” Mom asks, tearing my mind away from Brian and our non-existent friendship.

“Yeah…” I trail off, not really sure what she’s getting at.

“You didn’t have any run-ins today? No one that you didn’t want to see?” she presses, and it finally clicks in my head what she’s talking about.

“Oh, him…” I bite my lip, remembering my little incident with Kendall. I nervously scratch the back of my neck and nod my head slowly. “Yeah, I ran into him today in the parking lot when I was getting ready to head home.”

“Did he harass you like he did last time? And tell me the truth. I don’t want you lying just to make me feel better.”

I draw my lips tightly together, wondering if I should tell her that Kendall was giving me a hard time today. Well, that was until Brian showed up. But telling her that Brian saved my ass would only reinforce whatever idea she has in her head that Brian’s becoming my friend. And I don’t want that. But would she even believe me if I lie and say that he left me alone?

“He was going to, but then someone came by, and he decided against it. I guess he didn’t feel like causing a scene.”

“Didn’t feel like causing a scene? Well, that certainly doesn’t sound like Kendall at all. If I recall correctly, he caused a huge scene in the grocery store parking lot because we showed up two minutes late to pick up Trevor the last time he had him. Remember that day? We got stuck in traffic. He wouldn’t even listen to you when you tried to explain; he just kept yelling about how you’re an unfit mother and how you’re--” She purses her lips, shakes her head, and sighs. “I don’t know what you ever saw in that boy, Piper. And I have no idea why you still let him see Trevor. You know he doesn’t care about him.”

“I know that…” I mumble, biting the corner of my lip. “But I don’t want him to grow up not knowing his dad… I want him to know Kendall is his father. I want him to know that he got his eyes from his dad; that he got his daddy’s smile. I want him to know who he came from.”

“I know you do, but do you really think that it’s any better for him to be around a man that doesn’t even care about him? How do you think that’s going to make him feel when he gets older, Piper? How is he going to feel, knowing that his own father doesn’t love him? He deserves better than that.”

“I’m sure Kendall will come around and love him. I mean, he’s his son; how can he not love him? He’s really easy to love. I mean, I loved him the moment I first held him in my arms,” I reply, trying to keep my voice steady and the tears out of my eyes as I look down at my baby boy; my precious son.

“I know you did, sweetie. I did, too. But if it hasn’t hit Kendall yet, I doubt it ever will. And does Trev really need a father that doesn’t even want him?”

“No, he doesn’t… But if Kendall isn’t in his life, he’s not going to have his daddy around…”

“Sometimes that happens, sweetheart. It’s not ideal, but it isn’t the end of the world if he only has you. One parent that loves him is better than nothing.”

“I guess you’re right…” I mumble, biting the inside of my cheek.

“Well, if you’re really set on having a male figure in his life, you could always try dating again. You know, meeting someone; someone that will love you and Trevor; someone that will be a good influence on him.”

I shake my head at the notion of trying to find a fill-in dad for him. “Mom, I already told you that I am not ready to start dating again. The first boyfriend was bad enough, and to be quite honest, I don’t think I’m ready to go through that again.”

“Piper, you can’t let Kendall ruin everything for you. So your first boyfriend ended up being a jerk; a lot of girls have had first boyfriends turn out to be jerks, but that doesn’t mean that they gave up on finding love.”

“Most of those girls don’t have a living reminder of that jerk, though,” I softly point out as Trevor begins to fuss.

I know that sound; it’s his tired fussy sound, which means that it’s naptime. I carefully move him so that I’m cradling him in my arms. I begin to rock him and softly murmur, calming him down. He begins to drift off into Dreamland, and I cautiously stand up, making sure not to startle him as I carry him over to his play yard. I lay him down and watch him for a moment while he continues to slumber peacefully.

“You’re getting really good at that,” Mom comments with a warm grin as I return to the couch.

“I would hope so. I’ve been getting a lot of practice over the last six months,” I reply with a soft chuckle as I sit down beside her. “And I hope that you knew what I meant about Trev being a constant reminder of Kendall. I love him to death, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he looks so much like his dad. It’s hard to move on when you have a reminder of the person that broke your heart.”

“I know, sweetie,” she whispers, reaching over and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “But you can’t let that stop you from living your life. Would it really be that bad if you tried dating again?”

“I dunno,” I mumble, shrugging my shoulders. “I guess not… But what if I end up getting hurt again?”

“Well, if that happens, you’ll be sad for a while, but you’ll pick yourself back up and get back out there, because you know that there’s someone out there for you; someone better. They’re not all like Kendall. There is someone out there for you. He might take a while to find, but when you do find him, he’ll totally be worth it.”

“He better be if I have to go through hell just to find him.”

“He will be,” she assures me.

I can’t help but smile at her optimism, but my smile begins to fade away. “I don’t know what I’m even doing, though. I never tried to find a boyfriend before. Kendall just happened. I don’t even know how to meet guys.”

“Sure you do. You told me that you met a boy today; that Brian boy.”

“Brian doesn’t count,” I quickly retort.

“Why not? He’s a boy, isn’t he?”

“Well, yeah, but he’s not someone that I’d…date…”

“Why wouldn’t you date him?”

“I just met the guy, Mom. I don’t know anything about him.”

“Exactly, you don’t know anything about him. So why are you so quick to say that you wouldn’t date him?”

“Be-- Because-- I’m just not interested; that’s all.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m not interested in dating right now, Mom. Trevor’s the only guy I want in my life right now,” I reply matter-of-factly as I glance over at the play yard Trev’s sleeping in, hoping that I’ve convinced her that I’m not interested in anyone; especially Brian. “Why are you so insistent that I start dating again? I figured that you and Dad would wanna lock me up forever after what happened.”

“Well, your father would probably like to do that,” she says with a soft chuckle. “But I just want to see you live your life. Ever since things ended with Kendall, you’ve just been…alone. No friends, no plans, nothing. You just stay at home and let your life pass you by. I don’t want that for you, Piper. I want to see you happy.”

“But I’m a mom now. I have to think of Trevor.”

“You can still be a mom and have friends.”

“I know… But I’m just not good at making friends… I never have been…”

“Because you think too much, Piper. Just relax, be yourself, and don’t overthink things.”

“Easier said than done,” I mumble.

“I know you can do it,” she smiles, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

I smile back at her and wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Anytime, sweetheart,” she murmurs, hugging me back.

~

I nervously chew the inside of my bottom lip as I walk through the third floor hallway of the English building to find my first Tuesday/Thursday. I pull my schedule out of my back pocket, unfold it, and quickly glance down to check the classroom number to remember which room I need. I’m looking for room 314. Well, at least I’m on the right floor.

I softly click my tongue and stuff the paper back into my pocket, continuing down the hall. I notice a few people standing outside of one of the rooms, and I glance at the books one of the girls is carrying in front of her; they look a lot like the English books I purchased last week at the bookstore. I make my way towards the group of students and look over at the room they’re gathered around. The thick plastic sign next to the door reads ‘Room 314’ in bold white lettering.

I find a spot on the opposite wall and lean against it, waiting, just like everyone else. I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. There’s still ten minutes until class starts. I sigh and push my cell back into my right front pocket. This is going to be a long ten minutes…

I look around the hall at the people waiting around the classroom, hoping to spot a familiar face. I don’t really know who since I don’t know very many people anymore, but maybe an old friend from last year is taking Freshman English a little late. Or maybe one of them failed and had to repeat it… Sure, I’m not really friends with them anymore, but it wouldn’t really hurt to have someone to say hi to and make small talk with, right?

I actually wouldn’t even mind seeing Brian right now… I wonder if he’s taking English this semester…

“Hi,” someone says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I blink and notice a brunette with piercing blue eyes standing in front of me. “Uh, hi,” I reply, a tad confused as to why she’s talking to me in the first place.

“I didn’t mean to bother you, I just wanted to ask what class you’re waiting for,” she tells me, biting her bottom lip anxiously.

“Oh, um, I’m pretty sure we’re all in Freshman English with Professor Boswell.”

“In room 314?” she asks, looking apprehensive.

“Yep, that’d be it,” I answer with a nod.

“Then it looks like I’m in the right place,” she beams, shrugging her shoulder as she adjusts the strap of her school bag. “I’m Patricia, by the way.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Piper.”

I notice a flicker of recognition flash in her eyes, but it disappears as quickly as it had come. “I’ve never met anyone with that name before. It’s cool.”

“Thanks.”

“So, is the door really locked?” she asks, glancing over at the room across from us.

“I don’t really know.” I shrug. “Everyone was just waiting outside when I got here, so I just figured that it must be locked.”

“Let’s go check, just in case,” she suggests. “Half of the time, people just assume that if the door’s closed and the lights are out, then the door is locked, so they don’t even try.”

“But what if it really is locked? I don’t wanna be the idiot that tried to open the locked door.”

A tiny smirk pulls at her lips and she shakes her head. “You really care about what people think, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t,” I defend.

“Yeah, you do,” she chuckles. “If you didn’t, then you wouldn’t care if they thought you were an idiot for trying to open a potentially locked door.”

“That doesn’t mean that-- Just because I--” A sigh escapes from my lips and I shake my head. She’s right; I do care what they think about me; I do care if they think I’m an idiot because I checked to see if the door was really locked. “We’re going to be in class with these people for the rest of the year.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of them all on the first day.”

“You’re very self-conscious. Has anyone ever told you that before?” she queries with a tiny smile. I don’t say anything, and she nods her head. “I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

I open my mouth to protest, but quickly close it. She’s right; people have told me that I’m too self-conscious. It’s actually one of the things that Kendall used to point out all the time.

“You’ve gotta learn to loosen up a bit. Learn that it’s okay to make a mistake sometimes. And that it’s not going to kill you to do something potentially embarrassing.”

I bite my lip for a moment, thinking her words over before nodding my head. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” she grins. “Now, what do you say we check to see if the door’s locked? Potentially embarrass ourselves.”

“Alright… And you’re sure that we won’t look stupid?”

“Positive. Now quit stalling and go check the door. I’ll be right behind ya.”

“Okay…” I trail off, biting my bottom lip as I walk to the closed door.

I grab the door handle and continue to gnaw on my lip as I push down on it. To my surprise, the handle moves with ease. I look back at Patricia, surprised that the door really wasn’t locked, and she just smiles at me as she motions for me to go on inside. I step into the room and turn on the light.

“I told you that you wouldn’t look stupid,” Patricia sing-songs.

“How did you know that it wasn’t locked?”

“I didn’t. But I told you that most of the time people don’t even bother to check, they just assume. So, where do you wanna sit?” she asks me.

I look around the room and shrug. “I usually just sit somewhere in the back. Is that alright with you?”

“Sure.”

I lead the way to the back of the room and set my stuff down beside one of the desks. I take a seat, and Patricia sits down at the desk next to mine. I open my bag and pull out my notebook, leaving my books in my bag since we’re probably not even going to use them today. A few people begin to file into the room, picking out their seats, and I let out a sigh. I wonder how much longer until class starts.

“So, is this your first semester here?” Patricia queries as I set my notebook on my desk. “I know it’s a big campus and all, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“Yeah, it is,” I reply, nodding. I know it’s not true, but since I already lied to Brian about this, I might as well just keep the lies consistent here.

“That’s cool. Why’d ya decide to come here?”

“Mainly because it’s close to home and I got a scholarship. A school’s much more appealing when they’re practically paying for everything.”

“I can imagine so! You’re lucky you got a good scholarship. I got a few, but they don’t really cover everything. I still have to pay for books and a tiny bit for tuition.”

“That’s not bad at all. I have to pay for my books, too. But it could be a lot worse, you know?”

“Yeah, I do. So, what’s your major? Or are you undeclared?”

“Um, I’m a Psychology major. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna stick to that. I don’t know about a minor, though. Guess I’ll just figure that out when I get there.”

“That’s cool. I’ve got a friend that’s a Psych major. At least I think they’re going to stick with Psych. I know that they’ve been leaning that way, anyway. But you never know; things can change.”

“Yeah, they definitely can. What’s your major?”

“I’m a Public Relations major,” she answers with a confident smile.

“You can major in that?”

“Yeah, you can,” she chuckles. “Not a lot of people seem to know that, but I guess that’s because not a lot of schools offer it as a major. I lucked out that this place had it. If it wasn’t offered here, I’d have a completely different major.”

“You couldn’t just go to another school?”

“Well, I could. I actually got really great scholarships to here and two other schools, but I kinda wanted to be closer to home. That and my boyfriend got accepted here. Once I knew he was going to go here, I knew that this place was the clear winner.”

“Oh… So, you’re going here because of your boyfriend?”

“Partially,” she admits. “Him and the scholarship I from here.”

“Oh… But don’t you think it’s kind of a bad idea to go somewhere just because he’s going here? I mean, what if you guys break up?” I ask. “Won’t you feel like coming here because of him was a mistake?”

I know that I probably sound like a bitch for even bringing up the notion of her breaking up with this guy, but Kendall’s the reason I came here before we broke up. We thought it’d be great to go to school together. We thought we could live in the dorms for the first year and then find a place of our after that. We’d graduate, get married, start a family, all of that happy shit, but things clearly didn’t work out that way. And I know that I regret coming here because of him. If I didn’t have Trevor, I wouldn’t have even thought of coming back here.

“Not really. This is only my second semester, but I love it here. The teachers are great and my major is offered here, so that’s a total plus. I know that coming here because he got accepted here wasn’t exactly the smartest idea, but I think it’ll be alright no matter what the outcome is.”

I look at her for a moment, trying to detect any hint of doubt in her eyes, but there doesn’t appear to be any. She actually means what she said; that things will be okay even if they end up breaking up. I wish I could have that optimism. I’m not saying that I’m a total pessimist, but I know that when Kendall and I split up, I didn’t think that things were going to be alright.

“How long have you two been dating?”

“We’ve been dating since high school, so it’s been about four years, now. We actually live together. We share a house with a couple of his friends.”

“You do?” I ask, and she nods. “Is it weird living with his friends? Like, are they total slobs and make you pick everything up?”

“It’s actually not that bad. I’ve known his friends since junior high, so they’re practically like my brothers. And those boys know better than to make me clean up their shit. I’m not their maid.”

“Good point,” I say, laughing. “So, it’s just you, your boyfriend, and his friends? No other girls?”

“Well, one of the guys that live with us has a girlfriend and she stays over a lot, but other than that, yeah, it’s just me and the guys.”

“That must be interesting.”

“It is, especially with our group. So, what about you? Where do you live?”

“I’m lame; I live with my parents.”

“That’s not lame at all. I bet it’s better than living in the dorms. One of my friends and his girlfriend are stuck in the dorms until they finish the semester, and they hate it there.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard the dorms suck, but they’re better than nothing. And I’m sure some people prefer having a dorm room than having to stay with their parents.”

“True. So, do you like living at home?”

“Yeah, it’s not bad. I don’t have to get used to a roommate or anything like that, which is a huge plus. But sometimes I wish I had a place of my own.”

“Do you have anyone you can move in with; a boyfriend or some friends?”

I nervously lick my lips and shake my head. “No. I was seeing someone, but we broke up a while ago. And as for friends, well, I don’t really have any anymore…”

“You don’t?” she asks, cocking her head to the side and looking curiously at me. “Why not? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to; I’m just wondering.”

“It’s stupid, really. You know how people will take sides in a breakup?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s what happened when my ex and I broke up. And everyone sided with him when he lied to them and told them that I cheated on him. Everyone thought that I was a bitch and they didn’t wanna be friends with me anymore.”

“Seriously?” she asks, her jaw hanging open.

“Yeah. They just believed him. I never cheated; I’d never do that, and they should have known that. But I guess they didn’t know me as well as I thought they did.”

“That’s terrible. So, do you have any friends that go here?”

“Not really…”

“Well, you just made one,” she tells me with a warm smile.

“Thanks.”

“Oh, do you have any plans for lunch today?”

“Um, not really. I figured I’d grab some Burger King or something on my way home.”

“Well, if you want, you are totally welcome to eat with me and my friends. There’s this diner we like to hang out at that serves the best food. So, what do you think? Would you wanna join us?”

“Sure. It sounds like fun. What time are you gonna be there, because I have class until 12:50.”

“That’s fine, I do, too. How about I text you when I’m out of class? We can meet up and I can show you the way there?”

“Alright; sounds good to me.”

“Great!” she beams, taking out her phone. “What’s your number?” We exchange numbers and she opens her mouth to speak again, but is cut short by Professor Boswell entering the room. “We’ll talk after class,” she whispers.

“Alright,” I mouth back to her as I turn to face the front of the room.

The syllabi are handed out and I begin to takes notes down on the packet of paper, underlining and adding on things when I need to. The teacher drones on about how we need to make sure we buy our books if we haven’t already, and my mind begins to wander. I’ll have to remember to call Mom after class to let her know that I’m going to be having lunch with Patricia and her friends at some… diner…

She said diner, didn’t she? Is she talking about the diner that I went to yesterday with Brian? No, she can’t be. I’m sure that there’s more than one diner in this town. There has to be… Right? And even it’s the same place, what are the chances that she’s friends with Brian? I mean, there’s a lot of people on this campus; lots of groups of friends. There’s no way that I just met one of his friends. No way at all.

Right?