There Is No Arizona

The funeral wasn’t at all how I imagined it would be but then again, this is the first time I’ve attended such an event since I was a little boy. When I was little, I was sad because the people around me were sad not because I was deeply hurt by the passing of the distant relative I didn’t know very well. Today it was completely different, my cheeks were drenched in rivers of tears cascading down from my burning eyes, my heart ached so much that I thought my chest would explode. My stomach was churning within me, making it hard for me to keep from vomiting. He shouldn’t have been the one in that silver casket ... I should’ve been.

Or at least I should’ve been in one next to his, there’s no reason for me to be alive; why was he taken when I was the one driving the car? Granted, we were both sober and the accident wasn’t our fault at all but he had everything going for him, myself on the other hand, well let’s just say the only thing decent in my life is the parties.

Alexander Joel Lewis, better known as just AJ to his friends and family, had everything any eighteen year old guy would want. He performed flawlessly at every sport he played at our high school, he was dating the beauty queen of the school, he knew how to play any instrument and if he didn’t, he’d learn how to play it, his voice wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t too bad either. He was going to attend ASU next semester on a full ride scholarship. He was an all around good guy and even though he was an over achiever he didn’t have an ego, not once was he ever genuinely cocky to anyone but of course he would play around every once in a while.

We had been best friends since we were infants, when my Mother went back to work after having me her friend, who lived two doors down, would watch me. Alex was four months older than me but apparently, even as infants, we got along. As we grew up and became uncontrollably little boys we were partners in crime, after that we never looked back.

Now here I am, beaten up and bruised, attending his funeral because he died in the car crash we were in together just three days ago. I stood at the back of the group, not because I wasn’t welcome but because deep down, I wanted to die, I wanted to be the one in the casket, and I didn’t want anyone to bother me as I drowned myself in self pity and misery; plus there was her.

Danielle, AJ’s long time girlfriend since eighth grade, the way she looked at me broke my heart more than it already was. She blamed me for his death and I can’t disagree with her, I was the one driving, it was my car, I can see where she would resent me. It’s a little known secret, but I’ve had a crush on Dani since sixth grade when she transferred to our school from another district.

On her first day, AJ and I played a game of rock, paper, scissors to see who got to talk to her first, of course he won but it didn’t stop me from having feelings for her. As the days went on and they got together, AJ knew about my feelings, it wasn’t a big secret to him and every once in a while when we would get drunk or he’d be staying over at my house to get away from his parents, he’d tell me in the darkness of my room that if anything happened to him that he wanted me to be there for Dani. He told me that he was ok with the thought of Dani and I being together if such a tragedy happened. He then went on to tell me that Dani had admitted to him that on that first day, it was me who caught her but apparently I was too shy and AJ had won her over with his sweet talking charm and she never looked back.

She would never even consider being with me, she called me up the night of the accident called me every horrible name she could think off then told me to never call her again and hung up. It hurt like hell because that night, I lost both of my best friends. Since then, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll just make sure some scumbag doesn’t hook up with her, thinking she’s just a piece of ass. I’ll watch over her, like AJ would want me to, but we’ll never be together.

“Johno,” I heard my close friend, Jared, call out.

Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that he was climbing the hill still in his suit from the funeral with our friends Tim, Eric and Max in tow. Tim held a bottle of vodka in one hand and a stack of red cups in the other while Eric carried the red bull. Red Bull and Vodka, it was AJ’s favorite drink, I think his heart pumped Red Bull and Vodka through his veins instead of blood. To be honest, I’m more of a rum guy and AJ always used to call me out on it, he always said rum was for pussies, I would just laugh back and shake my head then claim that rum was for pirates and gypsies after that AJ would simply nod and say, ‘Yeah, pussies.’

“Let’s have a drink for AJ,” Tim said as the group reached me and handed me a cup.

I took it from him then looked back at the Arizona sunset before reaching up with my free hand and wiping away all evidence of my tears. Turning back to my friends that I’m thankful to have, I watched as Tim started to mix the drinks for us in each of our cups. Once he was done, he lifted his cup, “To AJ, one great son of a bitch,” Tim mumbled.

“With amazing hair,” Eric teased with a smile upon his face.

“And the best jump shot in the world,” Max insisted with a nod of his head.

“And let’s not forget his undeniable karaoke skills.” Jared laughed.

Lifting my cup up, I nodded before speaking softly, “To AJ, the best friend we were lucky to have, may he rest in peace.”

After we all silently nodded, we took a drink of the Red Bull and Vodka before we all turned to the sunset.

“Give her time, Johno.” Tim whispered to me, “She can’t hate you forever; you’re the closest thing she has to AJ.”

I frowned deeply, not wanting to just be the closest thing Dani has to AJ.

“Yeah,” Eric agreed, “She’ll come around, she’s just depressed, she lost her boyfriend.”

“She wants someone to blame,” Max grumbled, “So she blames you.”

“I blame me too,” I admitted then I took a sip of my drink, “Seriously, leave it to me to get in an accident when I’m sober and just on my way to rent movies and pick up dinner.”

Jared patted my back but said nothing as we all fell silent and remembered our friend and as the wind blew, I could’ve swore I heard his contagious laugh before he spoke to me in playful manner, ‘Now you’re a big boy drinkin’ a man’s drink, Johno … you pussy.’ I simply smiled to myself before nodding my head in agreement and taking another drink out of the red cup.

Nothing will ever be the same again.