There Is No Arizona

The silence that had fallen over the table was an awkward one, I know what I want to say I just don’t know I want to say it or if this is even the right time for what I want to say. When I met Raylan, I used him as a distraction from John and it turned out to be so much more yet as I sit here across from John, in the very deli we used to eat at together at least twice a week, I can’t help but feel that, that’s what Raylan was this entire time. A beautiful distraction, to keep me sidetracked from my life here in Arizona, to keep me from thinking about John.

Yes, I loved Raylan whole heartedly, he was my Husband and I wouldn’t take a single minute back but from the second I saw John yesterday in Target, my heart skipped a beat, butterflies flew around in my stomach and I can’t get him out of my head. I laid awake last night, thinking of all the things I would say to him when I saw him today but the second that my eyes met his green stare, I lost all train of thought and I feel like a stranger with him.

Two years is a long time, we’ve both grown emotionally and mentally from the way we were. Not to mention that he traded in his ridiculous headbands and colorful Nikes for worn out vans and plaid button down shirts, a more mature yet still youthful look. His long hair looks like it has been cut short just recently and by the way John keeps running his fingers through his short do, I’d say it hasn’t been more than a couple of weeks since the cut.

Having stayed in touch with Tim and Eric along with Max and Jared, I know that the band has done exceptionally well for themselves but I refused to let myself listen to their music. I knew that once I heard John’s voice I’d lose it and potentially ruin everything I had built with Raylan but I have bought their every release, just for support.

Across from me, John sipped his iced tea slowly before putting the cup down and stirring the ice around with the clear straw, “So,” He started as he let the straw go and turned his nervous fingers to blackberry lying on the table next to him, “How have you been?” John wondered while twisting the phone around.

I shrugged my shoulders, “Ok,” I lied because on the inside I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete meltdown. This is the second death that I’ve had to deal with that was so close and so personal to me, I barely got over AJ’s death and I didn’t love him nearly as much as I love Raylan, how can I possibly just get over him? Everyone around me has sat me down and talked to me, trying to help me but no one helped the situation, no one resolved any of these horrible feelings that I’m having.

“Don’t lie to me, Danielle.” John ordered sternly and when I looked up I saw serious frown upon his face to match that stern tone, “And don’t make me ask again.”

Licking my lips, I avoided eye contact having forgot that John can see through me like nobody else can, “Ok,” I agreed while I stared down at my sandwich I had ordered but haven't touched, “How am I supposed to feel, John?” I wondered, “It seems like everyone I love dies,”

“I’m still alive, and you loved me.” He pointed out.

I frowned at his statement, “I can’t explain it John,” I said simply, “I’m barely getting by, Mia is the only thing keeping me sane. Her innocent ways of thinking are wonderful and I wish I could be so naïve like her. I wish I could just accept the fact that Raylan’s in a better place than this hell we live in but I can’t. I ran away from Arizona after AJ’s death and now I’m running from Tennessee after Raylan’s.” I shook my head, “It feels like I’m losing my mind, I’m going crazy. I’m also really depressed, there’s all these emotions inside, and I don’t know how to deal with them.”

John nodded his head, “Raylan loved you,”

“I know this, John, everyone keeps telling me this and I already know it. That doesn’t bring me comfort like it should … I know that he loved me.”

Narrowing his eyes on me, John studied me as if he was peering into my soul and honestly, I haven't been looked at like this since the last time we saw each other, it’s scaring me. Not in a scared for my life type of deal but I know that the next thing John will say will be right on the money and I don’t know how I’ll react to it.

“Before you left for Chattanooga, Raylan and I talked,” John admitted, “You were busy packing up and spending time with Mia, Raylan got my address from Janelle and he came over. It was the day after you told me you were leaving, that you had gotten married over the Summer …” He shook his head a little bit while he went back to stirring the ice in his tea, “He told me that he loved you, that you were his soulmate but he knew you didn’t feel that way about him. He knew that you loved him, that you’d spend the rest of your life with him if given the chance but he also admitted to me that he knew you would never love him the way you love me.”

I frowned at what I was hearing but said nothing to protest it.

“We talked for a while, well, he did at least I just stood there listening and sulking because he had you and I didn’t. But he told me that if you two were to break up or if something bad happened to him, he wanted me to be there for you, to help you through the rough times then ‘man up’ and be the guy you want and need me to be. He also wanted to tell me that he was ok with me being Mia’s step-Father if the occasion called for it.”

I huffed, “That is so Raylan,” I grumbled of my late Husband. He always so sure of our love and our relationship but he always had to think logical. He was the type of person who would always ask ‘If this happened, what would you do?’ It annoyed the hell out of me most of the time but his questions weren’t total nonsense, to him at least.

“Maybe,” John whispered, “Maybe you’re feeling the way you are because you want to love him the way he loved you but you can’t,” John offered before licking his thin lips, “I’m not saying that you don’t love him or that you love anyone else more than him, but rather the type of love.”

Tilting my head to the side a bit, I thought about what he was saying, “Ok,” I said simply because I had nothing else to say, I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, you were it for him, without a doubt, if he hadn’t died and you guys broke up, he wouldn’t remarry, he may date every once in a while but you were it. He wasn’t it for you, was he?”

“Obviously you know the answer to that question,”

“Do you though?” He wondered.

I shrugged but said nothing to him.

“It was love at first sight for me, I lost a game of rock, paper, scissors and my chance with you. AJ had you, when he died both our worlds were turned upside down. We then started talking again, we admitted our love then one stupid mistake on my part led you to Raylan’s arms and that was that but here we are again, in the same position we were in two years ago before we went our separate ways for the summer.”

“John…”

“No, Danielle, I know you hurt and I’m not going to rush you into anything but I want you to know that this is it.” He whispered to me, “We have the chance to make something so beautiful together or we can leave it like it is and never know what could’ve been. When we see each other, we can walk on egg shells and pretend things are ok. You can go on and keep running and I’ll find a decent girl to convince myself that I don’t need you like I think do, we can be miserable or happy.”

“John, Raylan just died…”

“Two months ago,” John said simply, “How long have you been back in town?”

“A month,” I admitted.

“You already have your mind made up, Danielle, I know you, you just have to admit it aloud, I guess.”

Slowly, I felt my eyes swell up with burning tears before they down my cheeks and I didn’t do a damn thing to stop them.

“There isn't anything wrong with you, AJ and Raylan died and it’s tragic but it’s not your fault, I promise you that.” John whispered to me, “It’s ok to move on, Raylan wouldn’t hold it against you, in fact I think he’d pissed if you didn’t move on.”

“He would,” I confirmed.

“I love you, Danielle, always have.’

“I know,” I reached up and wiped away some tears but more continued to fall.

“I don’t want to replace AJ, I don’t want to replace Raylan, I have no desire to replace them. You loved the both of them and I respect that.”

“I hate you, John,” I muttered simply as I wiped away more tears, “I hate that you can fix anything that’s wrong me and yet you still make me so mad,” I shrugged, “But I love you too,” I shook my head as I forced a smile, “Damn that, Raylan,” I grumbled, “I should’ve known he talked to you at some point in time in our marriage.”

“It’s not like he was giving up on you,” John whispered to me, “He loved you and he wasn’t going to give you up without a fight, he wasn’t just going to step aside and let me have you. I think he would’ve gone country on my ass and shot me.” He smirked softly.

I smiled, “Oh yeah but first he would’ve messed with your head a little,” I shook my head, “Raylan was a good man,”

“Yeah, he was.” John agreed.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready for us, yet.” I admitted.

“That’s fine,” John smiled, “I’m leaving on tour in two days anyway, this was just a little pit stop I guess.”

“The last time you went on tour and we were like this, you got yourself a girlfriend.”

“No,” John shook his head, “I got drunk and kissed a pair of lips, that was it. I wanted to make out and there was a cute blonde who was willing to let me use her for a day or two.”

“Mia,” I started changing the subject.

“Is a wonderful little girl,” John smiled, “She seems very ok with what happened,”

“She is,” I frowned, “Like I said, it’s her innocent and naïve thinking.”

“She’ll be fine, I think, as long as she has you,” John informed me, “I don’t want to replace her Dad, I just want to be that Father figure in her life if you want me to be, if she wants me to be.”

“Well, she likes you, she went on about you yesterday.” I admitted.

John laughed, “Did you find her princess blankets?”

“Oh God, yes,” I rolled my eyes, “That little girl, she’s something.”

Smiling softly, John nodded his head then silence fell between us once again but this time it was comfortable. After a few moments, John cleared his throat then spoke quietly, “I’ll have you know, things in my life are never the same without you.” He admitted, “Arizona hasn’t been home since you’ve been gone. A lot of things have changed but a lot of our old places we used to go together are still there … I still go watch sunsets on the hill when I’m home. It hasn’t been easy, losing my best friend and the woman I love.”

I reached over and took his hand in mine tightly but said nothing, there was no need for words at the moment just holding his hand was loud enough. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here for good whether or not it brings me hell. This is my home, John is obviously the man I need and want to be with, and I’m just ready to stop running. It’s time to stop running.