There Is No Arizona

One Year Later:

Standing at the bottom of the hill that AJ used to watch the sunset at every day that he could manage it, I looked up to the top to see a tall, skinny guy standing there, a drink in hand. Licking my lips, I knew exactly who that guy was but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk to him just yet. One year ago, I wished nothing but bad to happen to him, I wanted his life to be taken from him the same cruel way that AJ’s was taken. Truth is, I blamed him for AJ’s death, he was driving the car, it was his car they were in and it was movies for his ‘get together’ that they were out for, so it had to be his fault.

But it wasn’t, he had no idea that the old woman was going to run a red light, he had no idea that the entire right side of his car would be smashed beyond recognition, because if he had known he wouldn’t have left the house and if they did leave, he would’ve insisted that AJ drive. AJ was his best friend, I know that a lot of his friends think they’re his best friends but truth be known, it was AJ, it was always AJ. He went to my boyfriend for everything, no matter how small or big, how petty or serious, it was AJ whom he went to first; always.

It was wrong of me to blame him for his death, I remember the way I threw him dirty looks at the funeral and how I told him I hated him, the look in his eyes was something I’ll never forget. I can’t explain what I saw in his eyes but I know it broke my heart and it’s been burned into my memory ever since. Biting down on my lip, I looked down at my converse covered feet then back up at the boy. Slowly, the gentle wind blew around me, caressing my skin effortlessly while moving my hair about my face. Tucking away some stubborn strands behind my ear, I suddenly felt a calming peace wash over me, it was almost like AJ himself made the wind blow just now to reassure me, to silently tell me it’s time.

Without warning, the boy at the top of the hill turned his body half way towards me. Studying me with an intense stare for a long moment, he then just turned his back towards me once more and took a sip of his drink. With a deep breath, I made the short, steep trek up the hill then came to a slow stop just a few feet behind him.

“I was just leaving,” John’s voice said softly.
“You don’t have to,” I assured him as I closed the space between us and stood side by side with him, “It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year, huh?” I whispered.

John nodded his head slowly, agreeing with me silently.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized as I continued to keep my eyes on his thin figure, “It was wrong, I shouldn’t have blamed you the way I did, I was just angry that he was taken from me so soon.”

John licked his lips then inhaled before speaking softly, “He wasn’t just taken from you, Danielle, he was taken from everyone who loved him. You weren’t alone in that boat, you know.”

“I know,” I admitted, “And I’m sorry for being such a bitch about everything, it wasn’t your fault, Johno, and I don’t blame you anymore.”

He shrugged his shoulders then took another sip from the red cup, “Well, your apology is accepted.”

I smiled slightly then let it fade as I turned my attention to the beautiful sunset, “I haven’t been up here since before he died,” I mumbled randomly.

“I come up here as much as I can,” John admitted then I felt him lightly touch the red cup to my arm. When I glanced over at him, he lifted the cup silently, offering the drink to me. I smiled and took it from him, knowing what was in it even though I wasn’t a fan of Red Bull and Vodka, AJ was and it’s his day today. As I took a sip, John cleared his throat, “So, are you and Cody still seeing each other?”

I raised my eyebrow, not knowing John knew about Cody and I, “No,” I shook my head, “I ended it a few weeks back, he wasn’t what I needed.” I lowered my head, “I guess I was just looking for someone to take my mind off of how shitty my life has been.” I shrugged before taking another drink of the alcohol before handing the cup back to its owner.

“He’s an asshole anyway,” John assured me, “He didn’t deserve you, it wouldn’t surprise me if AJ haunted his ass for being with you.”

I laughed quietly, “Yeah,” I turned my eyes to him, “What about you? Got a girl in your life?”

A frown appeared upon his handsome face as he thought for a second then he shook his head, “I’m emotionally unavailable right now,” He confessed, “It would be wrong of me to bring a girl into my life when I’m like this … doesn’t mean that I don’t flirt though.” He ended with a smirk.

I bumped my hip into his and smirked, “You still haven’t gotten laid, have you?”

Again, his frown made an appearance, “No, I guess I’m just waiting.” He shrugged, “Why rush it? Why give it up to someone just to get off? I have my right hand and a playboy for that.” He gave me a sideways glance, “Besides, I’m waiting for someone.”

“Who, your Mrs. Right?” I teased.

“Yeah,” He answered with a straight face, “She’ll come around eventually, until then I’ll just wait.” He lifted the cup to his lips, “She’ll come around,” He whispered before taking a drink, “One day she’ll figure it all out.” He said in a hopeful voice, “One day.”

As he spoke those words, I stared at him oddly, trying to figure out if he was just joking around with me as a front because he’s scared to have sex or if he really means what he was saying and if he really did mean every word, who is this Mrs. Right? Do I know her? Does he even know her? Does she even know that John exists or has he turned into a total creepy stalker since the accident? Well, whoever she is, she’s one lucky bitch to have him so whole heartedly. Anyone would be lucky to have John as the man in their life; he’s amazing so many ways.

“So,” I started, wanting to change the subject, “Did you hear about where I’m moving?” I asked with a grin.

“Moving?” He frowned, turning his face to me fully, “When are you moving?”

“In like two weeks,” I held up two fingers, “Yeah, so you know how my sister is a model and junk,” I pointed out, “Well, she ‘retired’ and got this huge house on Australia’s Gold Coast,” I grinned wildly, “She asked me to move in with her, she demanded that I needed a change and that I needed to get out of Arizona and that she was going to take me willingly or not.” I nodded, “I would’ve went sooner, but my parents had already paid for my first year at ASU, I couldn’t just leave, you don’t get a refund on that sorta thing,” I shrugged a little bit, “Today was my last day of finals, I put in my two weeks at my job and now I’m just packing, selling my car and what not.”

John stared at me with disbelief, “How have I not heard about this?” He questioned, “Tim and Eric tell me everything about you and Cody yet they don’t tell me you’re moving?”

I wrinkled my nose, “Tim and Eric have been giving you details about me?” I smirked.

John didn’t seem fazed by my question, “You’re running away,” He said bluntly.

I frowned deeply, “What do you mean, I’m running away?”

John shifted on his feet, turning his body towards me, “You can’t handle it here in Arizona anymore so you’re running away from everything.” He snapped with a frown.

“I am not running away.” I defended but I didn’t sound as confident as I had liked to sound.

His green eyes grew wide, “Bullshit,” He called me out, “Bullshit, Danielle!”

I took a step back away from him and pointed my finger at him, “Why do you even fucking care!?” I wailed.

“Don’t even go there, you know why I care.”

“Because AJ would want you to care,” I growled, “That’s the only reason.”

He shook his head, then rolled his eyes, “You’ll never get it, will you?” He wondered as he tossed his cup to the ground with anger, “You’ll never fucking get it … you know, go, go runaway from all of your problems, I don’t give a damn anymore.”

“When have you ever given a damn?” I argued.

Snapping his head towards me with narrow eyes, he stared me down with an unexplainable look. It wasn’t a look that had me scared of him but it was a look that had me questioning, wondering why he was so damn upset, “I’ve always cared, Danielle.” He said sternly, “Always,” He nodded his head, “You’ve just been too fucking stubborn to ever notice, apparently.” With that said, he walked away, leaving me alone atop of the hill that AJ had claimed ‘his’ back when we were in junior high.

“John!” I called out loudly, “Johno!” I went on, growling his name the second time but it didn’t stop him, he just kept walking away from me and as he continued to walk something deep down in my heart started to ache, it was the feeling I had when I lost AJ. It felt like another little piece of me was being ripped away without my consent, John just ripped it away and took it, not caring about how it would make me feel.

Once it was clear that he wasn’t coming back, I turned around to the sunset and let my tears of frustration and confusion fall from my eyes, “Damn you, Alexander,” I growled softly, “Damn you.” With that, I reached down grabbing the now empty red cup and walked away off of the hill, with tears of hot liquid burning my eyes and cheeks.

I’m not running away, how could he possibly even think that? I am not running away.