There Is No Arizona

“Raylan,” I frowned at my Husband with my hands on my hips, “Are you seriously going to go?” I questioned.

With his gorgeous brown eyes, the country boy that stole my heart, simply smiled then nodded his head, “Yeah,” He confirmed, “Babe, this is an annual thing between my Brother and my cousins, we do this every year. I asked if you wanted to come and you didn’t want to.”

“I don’t want to go,” I confirmed while eyeing his hunting wardrobe, “How are you getting to your ‘spot’?” I wondered.

“With the ATV’s,”

Glancing over at the microwave clock, I wrinkled my nose before looking back at Raylan, “But it’s barely four,” I whispered as I closed the gap between the two of us, “We can still have more sexy time before Mia needs to get up for school.” I insisted while wrapping my arms around his middle.

“Didn’t you get enough of me already?” He laughed, referring to the fact that we’ve spent the entire night having ‘sexy time’.

“Never,” I grinned before kissing his lips, “This is lame, so you’re going out into the woods being jungle man for a week and I stay here and do what?”

“Raise our baby,” He insisted, “This will be a great time for you and Mia, you’re always talking about how you want to take her on a Mother Daughter getaway, well, this is it, sorta.”

I growled at my Husband, “But you just got home,” I pointed out.

“I’m not staying, Babe.” He reached down my back, over my butt then down to my thighs before he effortlessly lifted me up and placed me on the counter, “The guys aren’t supposed to be here for another thirty minutes,” He muttered while rubbing my bare thighs and lightly kissing on my neck, “If you stop your bitchin’ we can have a quickie.”

“I want a quickie whether or not I stop my bitchin’, I have every right to bitch, you’ve been gone for five days and now you’re leaving for seven to go live in the forest and be a mountain man, how am I supposed to get ahold of you?”

“You’re not, that’s the whole point,” He laughed playfully as he moved his hands to my hips and tugged my panties off. He eyed them for a moment before tossing them to the floor, “Polka dots?”

“I think they’re cute,” I defended innocently, “The counter is really cold,” I informed him simply.

He laughed more then nodded his head before kissing me passionately while he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Pushing them down around his knees, along with his underwear, he pulled me close to him before he growled, “I have to go get a condom,” He said as he shook his head.

“Forget it,” I demanded while taking his face between my hands, “This is the whole reason I went off my birth control, isn't it?” I wondered then kissed him quickly, “To have unprotected sex and make a baby?”

Raylan studied me with his soft brown eyes, “I love you,” He said simply.

“I love you,” I mocked, “Now, fuck me Cowboy.” I laughed playfully.

“I hate it when you call me Cowboy,” He pointed out and with a quick jerk of his hips, he was inside of me.

Gasping softly, I dug my nails into his shoulders and grinned, “You love it, don’t lie.” I demanded and as I barely got those words out of my mouth, Raylan leaned forward and kissed me hard. For the next twenty to thirty minutes, everything else didn’t matter accept for Raylan and I. I was also pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to know that this may be it, this may be the moment we conceive our first child together. I admit, I had been hesitant at first, I’ve been off of my birth control for three months now but I’ve been making Raylan wear a condom, I was scared but that fear is gone now.

Inhaling deeply, Raylan pulled away from me completely then reached down and tugged his pants up, “Wow,” He whispered then kissed my cheek, “That was amazing,” He nodded his head, “I’m fucking amazing,” he smirked.

I mirrored his smile but mine was a sleepy smile versus his very awake smile. Without a single word or warning, Raylan picked me up off of the counter bridal style then carried me upstairs of our Chattanooga home and into our room. Lying me on his side of the bed, he placed his hands on either side of me before leaning down, “You sleep here while I’m gone, am I wrong?”

“No, I do sleep here.” I confirmed.

“Ok,” He kissed my lips lovingly before reaching over to his alarm clock, setting it for me so I would wake up in time to get Mia ready for school, “When I get home, I’ll send Mia over to my parents and we’ll have some much needed Husband and Wife time, deal?”

I nodded tiredly as I watched him put the clock down and turn his attention back to me, “If I get any reception out there, I’ll give you a call, I don’t think I will though.” He let out a gentle sigh before shaking his head, “You make it so fucking hard to leave, even when I want to leave.” He muttered.

I tugged him down next to me so he way lying down, “Then don’t go,” I ordered while snuggling into him.

Rubbing my back, Raylan then kissed my forehead and sat back up, “I’ve got to,” He insisted, “I can’t bail on these guys, if I did I’d feel like a jackass, we’ve been taking this trip since we were kids, I miss last year only because Mia and you were really sick with the flu and I didn’t feel right leaving the both of you like that.”

I frowned but said nothing.

“Don’t be so pouty, I’ll be bringing home a buck and we’ll have venison.”

“Ew,” I grumbled.

“Ew,” He mocked then caressed my face, “Sweet dreams, babe.” He whispered, “For a few hours at least,” He stood up and as he did that, I heard our doorbell ring loudly, “They’re here, I gotta go, be good Mrs. Raylan Paxton.”

I just smiled slyly but said nothing in response to that, “I love you, be safe and always wear orange.”

“I love you, too.” He laughed then he left our bedroom, shutting the door half way before he ultimately left our home.

--------------------------

“Maybe he just doesn’t have reception,” My best friend, Melanie, insisted as she studied me with blue eyes, “He’s not lost, hun, he’s been hunting those woods since he was five.” She assured me, her southern twang just as strong if not stronger than Raylan’s.

“I’m just worried, that’s all.” I admitted as I stared out the window above the kitchen sink, “Look at her,” I smiled, referring to Mia who was outside playing with Melanie’s Son Conner, “She can hang with boys,” I laughed while watching the five year old girl run through a mud puddle away from the seven year old Conner.

“She’s just like her Father, every last bit of her screams Raylan.” Melanie pointed out the obvious before she took a sip of her hot cocoa.

I turned back around to the pretty blonde and shook my head, “I hate not being able to talk to him,” I said softly, “I can’t stand not hearing his voice, even if it is a quick I love you or something, I need to hear him.”

“He’s your Husband, of course you do,” She agreed, “But give it fifteen more years and you won’t care that you don’t talk to him every day.”

“I don’t think so,” I shook my head then I heard Mia’s ear piercing scream come from outside.

Widening my eyes, I quickly hurried outside only to see her sitting on the ground, sobbing as she held her arm, “It hurts!” She screamed loudly.

“What happened?” I wondered as I kneeled down and examined her arm but it was bleeding which led me to believe it’s broken.

“We were just playin’,” Conner defended, “I’m sorry,” He mumbled sadly, “I didn’t mean to,” He assured,

I looked at the little boy and nodded, “I know,” I carefully picked Mia up and started towards the house.

Lying her head on my shoulder, Mia whined sadly, “Mama, kiss it better!” She ordered.

“I will, I have to get my keys first,” I told her as I kissed her temple and went inside saw Melanie standing there with the phone in her hand. Looking at me oddly, she held out the phone, “Here, if for you.” She informed me, “I’ll get her to the hospital,” She insisted while taking my daughter from me.

“Mama, no!” Mia wailed, “I want my Mama!” She demanded.

“I know sweetie, but we have to go to the hospital and make sure you didn’t break your arm and if you did we need to get a cast on it.” Melanie insisted before leaving the house with both the kids.

Frowning deeply, I looked at the phone in my hand then lifted it to my ear, “Hello?” I questioned, “This is Dani Paxton.”

“Dani,” I heard my Brother in law say softly.

“Scotty?” I asked then frowned deeply, “What’s going on?”

He was silent for a moment and I knew that type of silence, I’ve heard it before and only once before but the news that followed was tragic and life changing. I shook my head slowly as my body started to tremble uncontrollably and tears swelled up in my eyes, “Raylan’s been in an accident,” He informed me.

“No,” I whispered, “Don’t you tell me that, Scotty.”

“He was shot by some other hunters,” He informed me, “We tried to get him out of the forest in time but we didn’t, by the time an ambulance came to where we were parked, he was going into cardiac arrest.”

“Stop it,” I demanded, “No,”

“I’m so sorry, Dani.” He cried.

Dropping the phone from my hand, I let my tears fall violently from my eyes then felt my knees give out under me but before I could hit the hardwood floor of the kitchen, I felt a pair of strong arms catch me and hold me up on my feet. Wrapping their arms around me, the man held me close as I broke down, crying into his chest. The mixed scent of Copenhagen and the middle aged man’s old spice cologne, I knew it was Raylan’s Father.

“It’s going to be ok,” He assured me, his deep gravelly voice is what I always assumed Raylan’s would sound like when he got older, “We caught Melanie as she was leaving with Mia, Anna’s with her right now.” He went on as he swayed a little bit, “Everything’s going ok.”

I shook my head, “He’s gone,” I sobbed, “Raylan’s gone …” I paused for a moment as anger built up in me, “What did I do that was so bad to deserve this again!?” I wailed as I backed away from the middle aged man, “Why!?” I demanded, “It’s like every guy I fall in love with dies!” I screamed.

With sad eyes, Jack shook his head then took me back into his arms, “This is just God’s plan,” The religious man whispered, “There’s nothing we could’ve done.”

“God must hate me then because he’s taken every guy I’ve ever loved away from me,” I moved away from him and sat down at the table, “I begged him not to go,” I whispered, “I wanted him to stay home but he missed last year because Mia and I were both sick, he wasn’t going to miss this year, not when we were all perfectly healthy.” I cleared my throat, “This isn’t fair, Jack.”

Without a word, he nodded his head in agreement before he sat down next to me, sadness in his eyes but he didn’t dare let a tear fall, not now, not in front of me when he think he needs to be strong for me.

“What am I going to tell Mia?” I wondered, “How am I going to tell her that Daddy isn't coming home?” I went on, “She’s so young, she has to go through life knowing her Mother didn’t love her and that her Dad was taken from her…”

Reaching over, Jack took my hands in his and nodded his head a little, “Her Mother does her love, don’t you?”

I laughed, “I’m not her birth Mother.”

“So what, you’re her Mother, you’re the one she calls Mama, you’re the one she loves, you’re her Mother. And her Father loved her so much,” He licked his lips a little bit, “She’s going to be heart broken, that’s a given but you two have each other, you can work through this and you’ll always be a Paxton, you’re family, Dani, nothing will ever change that. We’re here for you.”

I nodded before wiping away my tears and looked over at Jack, “I should get to the Hospital,” I mumbled, “Mia hates hospitals to begin with and she’s hurt, she needs me.”

“I’ll drive,” He stood up and we both walked out of the house and got into his truck.

Before I knew, we were at the hospital, I had forcefully dried my tears but yet I was still numb and my heart was aching like never before. I thought the pain I felt when AJ passed was bad, that doesn’t even compare to the pain I’m feeling now. Once I found Mia’s room, I sighed before pushing the curtain to the side and walking in, “Hey baby,” I whispered.

“Mama!” Mia said loudly with relief as she let go of her Grandmother’s hand to hug me. I held her close and closed my eyes, “The doctor gave me a sucker,” She informed me.

I laughed softly as I backed away, “Where is it?”

“I ate,” She said with a sly smile, showing off her adorable dimples.

I nodded then I looked over at Raylan’s Mother, Anna, silently she nodded her head before getting up and walking to me. Hugging me tightly, she shook her head, “We’ll get through this,”

I nodded, agreeing with her before I let her go and she left the room, leaving me alone with Mia. Sitting on the bed next to my Daughter, I pushed her hair out of her face then lowered my head, not knowing if I should wait or not.

“What’s wrong?” Mia wondered, sensing something was wrong and plus, I’m not the best at keeping my feelings hidden.

“Um,” I whispered, “You know Daddy loves you, right?” I asked her.

“Yes,” She answered.

“Good,” I paused for a moment, “You know when Pepper died?” I asked, speaking of her cat that Raylan accidently ran over about four months ago.

“Yeah,”

“And Daddy and I told you that she’s up in Heaven now but you’ll see her again someday?”

“Yes, and she has little kitty wings because she’s an angel.” She smiled, she’s been stuck on the little kitty wings since the cat died, it was Raylan’s only way to get her to stop crying, to tell her that Pepper was a cat angel.

“Well,” I held her good hand and lowered my head, “Daddy was in an accident,” I informed her, “And he was hurt really bad,” I choked back tears as I went on, “Baby, Daddy’s in Heaven now, he’s not coming home.”

Looking at me sadly, Mia tried to understand as she watched me cry, “He’s an angel?”

I nodded, “Yeah, Baby, he’s in angel,” I agreed, “Mia, Daddy died.”

She looked at me with a horrified look but she wasn’t reacting the way I expected her to, I thought for sure she’d scream and wail and cry like I did but she just sat there with that look upon her face. I know she understands but I don’t know if she’s handling it properly.

“It’s ok to cry, Baby.” I whispered softly.

She frowned a little bit then started to cry sadly, “Since Daddy’s in Heaven, does that mean you’re not my Mama anymore?” She cried with a worried tone.

“Oh, Baby, no…” I shook my head as I held her close, “That’s not happening, I’m yours forever, baby.” I assured her, “I’m not going anywhere, the day I married Daddy was the day that I became your Mom and I’m not going to let anyone take you away from me, ok?”

“Ok,” She sniffled.

“Ok,” I mocked, “That’s what you’re sad about, you’re not sad about Daddy?”

“I am but he’s in Heaven,” She backed away from me, “There’s nothing bad up there, he gets to see God every day and now Pepper isn’t alone and has someone to feed her.”

I sighed, wishing I had her innocence again, wishing I could think like her but I can’t, all I can see is bad. I feel like I’m being punished, first AJ then Raylan, who’s next? John? I haven't spoken to him in two years but Lord knows I still love him and if he’s next then I don’t even want to live, those three men are the only ones who loved me for me and they’re the only ones that I love. If John goes, the only thing that would be keeping me sane would be Mia.

Reaching over with her good hand, Mia placed her hand on my cheek and smiled, “Daddy’s ok, Mama.” She assured me, “You don’t have to cry.”

I nodded but didn’t stop my crying, “You’re so strong,” I whispered to her, “I’m so proud of you,”

She smiled then scooted herself over to me and rested her head against my shoulder as we waited for her Doctor to arrive. I know that she’s ok now but there are going to be times when she breaks down in tears wanting her Father. There’s going to be nights when she wakes up screaming for Raylan and what do I do then? How do I prepare myself and her for those hard nights that are bound to happen?

This life is anything but fair.