I Only See You in My Dreams
A Man
January 5, 2010
Dear Emily.
I'm almost over you.
Adam.
__________
I'm slowly living again, kind of.
I washed all my sheets, and dropped her things off at her apartment.
I thought it would be depressing, but I was, happy.
I took down all her pictures in my office. I finally saw parts of the wall I hadn't seen in months.
I thought it would feel sad, but it felt, good.
Being busy at the studio helped, I even accidentally spent a night there after a shoot that went till 2 am.
Today however, I had a goal. Look at another girl, forget about her, and truly look at someone else, take them in, get turned on. It wasn't wrong anymore, nothing should stop me.
My first appointment was a middle aged woman getting some shots for a political campaign. Skip.
My second was a aspiring model. Her voice just killed me, I had to remind her 20 times I can't take pictures if shes talking. Skip.
My third was a really sweet girl, someone I could really relate to, really fun to shoot, but I just wasn't into her. Skip.
I had already given up, my last appointment was a male.
At 6, Leon Ferris walked into my studio.
If my pants weren't so tight they would have been tented.
His shaggy blond hair fell over his forehead in such a hot way, I was amazed I took the time to look at the rest of him. But damn, the rest. He was slim, not by any means frail, but he didn't overwhelm me with his size, like most guys.
Images of him nude flashed in my mind before I pushed them away. I didn't do that anymore.
March 3, 2005
"Mark, I love you, I'm just not sure I can go out with this."
I was referring to being publicly gay. This was very new to me. I was scared. I had seen how other gays were treated at school.
I didn't want to be another one of the "faggots."
"Adam come on, its fine. I'm out, I'm not complaining." I knew he was lying, Mark had been bruised multiple times.
But I loved him, and this is who I am. I shouldn't have to hide it, right?
"Ok Mark, tomorrow."
Mark excitedly kissed me and we went back to doing out homework together.
March 7,2005
I was bruised head to toe. Sitting in a hospital bed. The police had found me in an alley where the boys from school had beat me. I missed school for 2 weeks.
I would never date a boy again.
I would never be called faggot again.
Leon didn't help me much.
He wanted shirtless pictures. I almost told him no.
I sweat buckets all through the shoot. I saw him give me concerned looks, but I just ignored them.
When we had finished, I told him I would process both the film and digital ones and call him when I had them ready.
After he left, I started work right away.
He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Mark had been a boy, Leon was a true male. A gorgeous, sexy male.
I kept telling myself I wasn't attracted to him, but eventually I stopped lying to myself.
I fell asleep at the studio again that night, a picture of a shirtless Leon the last thing i saw before I fell asleep.
Dear Emily.
I'm almost over you.
Adam.
__________
I'm slowly living again, kind of.
I washed all my sheets, and dropped her things off at her apartment.
I thought it would be depressing, but I was, happy.
I took down all her pictures in my office. I finally saw parts of the wall I hadn't seen in months.
I thought it would feel sad, but it felt, good.
Being busy at the studio helped, I even accidentally spent a night there after a shoot that went till 2 am.
Today however, I had a goal. Look at another girl, forget about her, and truly look at someone else, take them in, get turned on. It wasn't wrong anymore, nothing should stop me.
My first appointment was a middle aged woman getting some shots for a political campaign. Skip.
My second was a aspiring model. Her voice just killed me, I had to remind her 20 times I can't take pictures if shes talking. Skip.
My third was a really sweet girl, someone I could really relate to, really fun to shoot, but I just wasn't into her. Skip.
I had already given up, my last appointment was a male.
At 6, Leon Ferris walked into my studio.
If my pants weren't so tight they would have been tented.
His shaggy blond hair fell over his forehead in such a hot way, I was amazed I took the time to look at the rest of him. But damn, the rest. He was slim, not by any means frail, but he didn't overwhelm me with his size, like most guys.
Images of him nude flashed in my mind before I pushed them away. I didn't do that anymore.
March 3, 2005
"Mark, I love you, I'm just not sure I can go out with this."
I was referring to being publicly gay. This was very new to me. I was scared. I had seen how other gays were treated at school.
I didn't want to be another one of the "faggots."
"Adam come on, its fine. I'm out, I'm not complaining." I knew he was lying, Mark had been bruised multiple times.
But I loved him, and this is who I am. I shouldn't have to hide it, right?
"Ok Mark, tomorrow."
Mark excitedly kissed me and we went back to doing out homework together.
March 7,2005
I was bruised head to toe. Sitting in a hospital bed. The police had found me in an alley where the boys from school had beat me. I missed school for 2 weeks.
I would never date a boy again.
I would never be called faggot again.
Leon didn't help me much.
He wanted shirtless pictures. I almost told him no.
I sweat buckets all through the shoot. I saw him give me concerned looks, but I just ignored them.
When we had finished, I told him I would process both the film and digital ones and call him when I had them ready.
After he left, I started work right away.
He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Mark had been a boy, Leon was a true male. A gorgeous, sexy male.
I kept telling myself I wasn't attracted to him, but eventually I stopped lying to myself.
I fell asleep at the studio again that night, a picture of a shirtless Leon the last thing i saw before I fell asleep.
♠ ♠ ♠
ok, so now it's a slash. ferrealz.haha, anyways. comments are good, since this is my first slash and all that (shh)
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