At the bottom of everything.

At castle Bam everything was as usual; noisy. Bam and some of his friends were out in the snow, pelting each other with snowballs and building obscene snowmen. I bypassed them and went directly to the back door. Once I stepped into the unique kitchen, the kettle was put on to boil while I threw off my scarf, jacket and boots. Looking at my reflection in the window, I realised how tired and worn out I was. It showed in my face, my eyes and even the way I held my body. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

I decided against going to the living area and instead opted for the solitude of the bedroom I shared with Bam. There I set the coffee on the nightstand and sat back against the headboard with my knees drawn to my chest and a pillow against my back. The room smelt of Bam’s musk tangled within mine. I loved it but all the same I loathed it also. At last I had found true love but I had lost my family; it reminded me how cruel the world really was.

There was laughing and playful wails coming from the yard outside but I neglected to look. Call me bitter, but I despised the fact that they were all so full of joy when I was up here nursing a broken heart.

The shrill ring of my cell phone made goosebumps rise on my skin. Briefly I considered leaving it to ring but I could never be so impolite; curse my gentlemanly ways.

“Hello Bam.” I sighed.

“Where are you Willa?” He giggled; I bit my lip at the use of my pet name.

“Home. Upstairs just drinking coffee and watching some tv.” It was a half lie, a white lie if you will.

“Why don’t you come out side and have some fun?”

“Really love, I’m not up to it. I’m kinda exhausted.”

I heard him sigh, “Sure honey. I’ll be up to see you later.” He hesitated for a moment, “Are you okay?”

“Peachy.” I hung up the phone without even waiting for a reply.

He knew damned well I wasn’t ‘peachy’ so why the hell he bloody asks is above and beyond me. Anger swelled in my chest, merged with the pain it coursed through my veins until I could stand it no more. I couldn’t write or paint or play the guitar so I wept and smothered my screams into a pillow. I was frustrated beyond the point of just upset.

“Willa?”

I felt the bed dip and a hand rest on my shoulder. Immediately I could tell it was Bam. He smelt of the outdoors, of the cold and wet snow.

“Jesus Willa, Y-you can’t go on like this. Talk to me baby.” He whimpered.

I bit down on the soft fabric and gripped my nails in my knees. Without looking up I shook my head.

“W-what’s the point? Y-You can’t change anything.” I cried.

“I know. I’m sorry Willa. I’m a useless cunt and if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be so upset.”

His words hurt, the emotion I heard in his voice was pure self loathing and I knew he was serious. This wasn’t an attention thing to get my reaction; it was hatred. I looked up at him. I stared directly into his watery blue eyes and felt every ounce of his sorrow pour into me.

That must be what it was like to look into my eyes and to feel every ounce of my pain.

“No one can help who they love.” I whispered.

His eyes seemed to light just a tad and before I had a chance to speak again I was pulled into a bone crushing hug. I relaxed into his arms and I found myself vanished in his comfort. We fit together like long lost pieces of a puzzle.

“April’s here.” Bam whispered against my shoulder, “She brought you some hot chocolate and something else.”

I pulled away and cocked an eyebrow.

“What else? And is your mother trying to fatten me up with all the sweets?”

“Oh come off it Willa. You’re a fucking rake with the metabolism of a fly; you fucking need fattening up. And she saw some shirt when she was out shopping and thought you might like it and there was something about a movie.” He pondered for a second, “The Cell or something.”

As I mentioned April was always doing this sort of thing. Needless to say she liked me and treated me like a son. I loved the women like a mother; but she would never replace my mama.

Bam gave me a quick peck on the cheek before taking hold of my hand and pulling me to my feet. I swayed from a head rush but he held on tightly to me, pushing me upwards when I stumbled. Slinging an arm around my slim shoulders, he guided me out of the room and into the gothic- decorated hallway. Noise from the pirate bar drifted up through the floor, Guns’ N’ Roses was playing on the jukebox and I heard April telling off one of the boys for breaking a mug. Beside me Bam sighed and rubbed at his temple.

“Fucking place is a zoo.” He mumbled.

It was true but I wasn’t going to say so. I liked his friends, he loved his friends; but sometimes they were a pain in the ass.

Downstairs April approached me with a smile on her kindly face. She hugged me and asked how I was doing. I lied and told her I was fine, she saw right through it though and gave me her ‘You’re a liar’ look.
Bam clicked on the kettle while shooing the boys into the living area. Reluctantly they all cleared out into the warmth of the fire, the jukebox was switched off and the television was put on. I sat down at the island in the centre of the room, crossed my arms and hung my head. Yes it was morbid but I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it anymore; it just happened.

“I bought you some stuff Ville. Might cheer you up at bit.” April said as she placed a folded shirt down in front of me and a DVD.

I smiled and said my thanks. The DVD was, as Bam had said, The Cell. The shirt was black with long sleeves and with a gray elegant pattern along each sleeve, up the back and with a gray rose above the heart. It was beautiful and looked expensive.

“Ape, you didn’t have to buy me this.”

“Oh hush! Money bags over there has me spoiled. Why spend it on myself when I could brighten your day a little. You know I love to see a smile on your face!”

“Thank you so much April. Honestly, I love it. And the DVD and the hot chocolate. You’re too good to me.”

“Shh now.” April scolded, “No more thank yous!”

I quietened down and instead gave her a tight hug. Bam stood by the kettle, now boiled and steaming, with a smile upon his face. I smiled back.

“April you don’t need to keep buying him shit you know. You want his love, you got it.” Bam laughed.

“I know Bam but can you blame me for wanting to spoil him?” She patted my shoulder and I blushed.

Bam turned his back to us both, pulled three mugs from the cupboard and began to divide coffee out with a teaspoon.

“He deserves it. Even though he stole my heart.” I could tell he was smiling to himself and my heart swelled.