At the bottom of everything.

[iI guess after that I wandered aimlessly until I reached Mizee’s. Slowly I entered the snow covered drive, shuffled towards the front door and knocked gently. A few moments passed before the door was unlocked and thrust open. I was greeted with a cheerful Mige, but his smile soon faded upon closer inspection of my expression.

“Hey Ville, what’s up?” He asked, “You okay man?”

“Do you have company?” I asked.

“No Vendranna-“

I pushed past him before he could finish his partners name and strode straight to the kitchen. There I threw myself into one of the soft seats, opened my packet of cigarettes and lit one. The front door closed and Mizee strolled through the kitchen door way, his hands in his pockets and an eyebrow cocked in confusion.

“Willa? What’s up?” He asked

I took a long drag on my cigarette, sat forward so my elbows were leaning on my knees and sighed deeply. My head was still spinning and my nerves were still shot to hell.

I heard Mizee sigh.

“I’ll put coffee on.” He strode across to the worktop where the kettle resided, clicked in the switch and turned back to face me, “Talk Valo!”

“M-mama and papa know about Bammie.” I stammered; my eyes stared, as wide and watery as a deer’s.

“And it didn’t go well I am guessing.” Mizee folded his arms across his broad chest, “Fuck.”
“They threw me out of the house as if I were dirt.”

The kitchen fell silent except for the boiling of the kettle. Mizee stroked his chin while staring hard at the tiles. I sat smoking and shaking, my knee was bouncing with nerves and my skin felt as if it were crawling. All control was gone, my life felt over. All I had left was my Bam-bam and my friends, but, to me, family was everything. Without them if was hopeless.

“You’re going to Philly tomorrow right?”

I looked up and nodded slowly at my larger friend.

“Then go, pack all you need and go. Take a break and stay with Bam as long as you need, Willa. The boys will understand and Seppo won’t mind. Seriously. You could use the break, we all could.”

“But my family –“

“Need time.” Mige cut in.

I sat still. Could I really leave Finland, my home, to live with Bam at a time like this? God knows how long I would be there and how long it would take my parents to come round. If ever.

Mizee clapped his hands together bringing me out of my inner thoughts.

“Tea, Willa, it makes everything better.” Before I could retort, Mizee shoved a mug into my hands, “And Linde,Gas,Burton and I are all piling into your house tonight to help you pack.”
“You don’t have to –“

“I want to and if I want to, they’ll want to.”

It was awful, but not even the love and compassion seeping from one of my oldest friends made me feel any better. My heart was torn and shattered into a million small pieces. Only small parts remained intact such as the parts for my friends and the part for Bam.

“Did they stay with you that night?” Bam asked.

I looked over to him. He sat forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his eyes wide. He didn’t mean it, I know that, but I was hurt that my pain was entertaining him so much. I sighed and rested my forehead against the palm of my hand. Memories were swimming relentlessly in my mind, I could see the positives for the endless negatives. My heart sank.

“Yes.” I finally answered, “They did.” I looked up to him,”Is that enough for you? Or do you want more?”

I guess my tone was a little too sharp. Bam rested back into the cushions of the seat and looked down at his lap, whispering a ‘Sorry’ as he did so.

“No. No I didn’t mean it like that Bammie.” I bit my lip, “Paska.”

“It doesn’t seem so bad Willa. You said it yourself – they just need to calm down.”

I glared at Bam, “It’s not that bad! Bam! My family hate me! They told me not to come back until I sorted myself out! They want me to un-love you! If you were a girl, we wouldn’t have this problem!”

“Well, I’m not, so suck it up!”

We both fell silent. I gazed at the coffee table in front of me, counting the chips in the polished wood and thinking about how idiotic the end of that sentence had sounded. I felt the urge to laugh but thought it inappropriate until I heard a giggle escape my lover’s mouth.
I gazed up to see him trying his hardest to smother his hysterics. I smiled and laughed, giving him consent to follow suit.

“If I was a girl? Oh please Valo.”

“It’s true.”

Bam stood to make more coffee, hitting me gently on the shoulder as he went. I took the opportunity to light another cigarette and lift Bam’s cat, Trouble, onto my lap. He purred as I stroked his soft fur, the only sound in the house was sound of the cat and the boiling of the kettle. Bam was never this quiet, even when he slept. That was my first warning sign that the younger man had more than just Coffee running through his mind; and I did so hate his ideas.

“Food?” Bam shouted.

I jumped at the sudden announcement; the cat on my lap seemed to feel the same having dug his claws into my leg.

“No. No I am fine. Just coffee.”

“Toast it is!” Bam retorted.

I growled and continued to stroke the creature. Food? At a time like this? But I couldn’t blame him for the concern; I hadn’t eaten correctly since the incident. Food just seemed too much to handle. I wasn’t hungry for the stress and worry in my gut. Come to think of it, I had no real inspiration to do anything. I hadn’t even looked at the razor since I got here and writing had become a thing of the past.

Bam trod back in to the living area with a plat pull of toast and two steaming coffees. Trouble leapt from my lap to scale Bam’s, he brushed himself up against the skater’s shirt and meowed loudly.

“Toast. Eat up dude.” Bam grinned and handed me the plate.

I gazed at the bread and my stomach growled. Perhaps I was slightly hungry. I reached for the jam splattered food, held my coffee securely in my other hand and gave into human need.

A smile spread across Bam’s rough features. He took a piece for himself and sat back in the cushioned chair. Trouble purred louder and so Bam resorted to ripping off tiny pieces of bread and feeding them to his beloved pet. I watched on in amusement as the cat climbed up his chest to gain the toast for himself.

“Are we done for today?” I asked after finishing off my toast.

Bam held his bread high, away from the spoiled feline. He gave up though and simply gave it to Trouble who took out to the yard.

“Well yeah, if you want. We can talk some more later or y’know, when you’re ready.”

Truth be told, talking hadn’t helped; not one damn iota. But for the pleasure of my company I acted as if it did. Putting on a front was something that rarely failed me, although in the last few weeks my front admittedly had been half assed. However, I smiled and nodded.

“Later is good.” With that I sat back, rested my coffee in my lap and reached for the television remote.

Bam moved beside me, wrapped an arm around my back and rested his head on my shoulder.