I've Kept This Mouth Shut Far Too Long

Caitlynn was invisible.

She always has been. Sometimes it bothered her, and sometimes it didn't. Regardless, she always tried to stand out, even when she tried to fit in. She was a walking contradiction, always wanting somewhere to go while going nowhere at the same time.

She never really had and friends... only one person ever talked to her.

His name was Benjamin Walker.

And to Caitlynn... Benji was everything.

He was her world, her sun, moon, and stars, the very thread still holding her to the earth, keeping her connected.

If only he'd have known... if only.

Things might've been different.

Benjamin was NEVER invisible.

He never has been. It never really bothered him much. He'd never had to TRY to fit in or stand out. He just... did. He was going places, and he had plenty of opportunities to do so. He would never have to worry about a career, or where he would go to school, because he had it all in the palm of his hand.

He had plenty of friends... everyone always talked to him, followed him around, wanted to know him.

But only one person ever really mattered.

Her name was Caitlynn O'Neill.

And to Benji... Caitlynn was simply EVERYTHING.

She was his world, his entire universe, his heart, the very beginning, middle, and end to his very being.

If only she had known... if only.

Things could've been different.

"Cate! Hey, Cate! Over here!" Benji called as he walked toward her.

Caitlynn quickly pulled her fingers through her unruly jet-black hair, patted down they fly-aways, and smoothed the pink-and-white striped skirt of her dress. She never really cared about looks or appearances. But when it came to Benji, she always wanted to look spot-on... perfect.

They were at their high school's homecoming dance. Caitlynn didn't want to go. She thought it would be stupid and a waste of her time, time she could spend painting or studying. But, as always, Benji persuaded her into getting dressed up and going.

'C'mon, Catie, for me? It wouldn't be the same without you, you know that,' he had said.

Caitlynn had blushed and quietly agreed to attend.

"Wow, Cate, you look great. Pink is perfect on you."

Caitlynn's snowy face flushed with color.

"Thank you, Benji. You look great too," she said softly.

"Do you want to dance? With me, I mean?"

Caitlynn shyly smiled and nodded.

As Benji held out his hand for Caitlynn's, a glittery arm snaked its way around Benji's waist and pulled him toward its owner.

"Benjaminnn, I wanna dance!" an annoying voice said.

"Oh, hey, Samantha! I didn't know you'd already got here."

Benji then turned to kiss the girl... his girlfriend.

Benji hadn't picked her up from her house because she had insisted she rode with her friends, and he'd wanted to take his own car.

"H-hi, Samantha. You look lovely," Caitlynn half-spoke, half-whispered.

"Hey, Freakshow. You look gross."

"Samantha, th--" Benji started, but was cut off.

"Come on, baby! Let's dance!"

With that, Samantha jerked Benji away from Caitlynn and to the dancefloor.

Caitlynn sighed and looked at the. She wasn't really surprised... that's how it always went.

Benji was the only boy that she had ever really crushed on. She didn't care about his looks (not that he didn't have them, mind you, as he was very nice to look upon), because he was beautiful on the inside. He'd never been mean to Caitlynn, ever. He'd always gone out of his way to give her some sort of happiness.

But the one thing she wanted from him, she didn't have. She wanted his love, but Samantha had that.

Benji was always just beyond her reach.

Caitlynn sighed again and looked around the gymnasium, but Benjamin and Samantha were nowhere in sight.

'They probably snuck out while no one was looking,' Caitlynn thought. She shrugged and headed for the ladies' room.

While Caitlynn was washing her hands, someone came up behind her, grabbed her, and threw her against the wall.

"Listen here, bitch, you'd better stay away from my Benjamin!"

It was Samantha.

"W-w-what? What's wrong, S-Samantha?" Caitlynn stammered.

"You heard me! I saw the way you were looking at him. You want him. Well, tough shit, because you can't have him! He's mine."

Tears pricked at Caitlynn's eyes. She'd never outright been mean to someone, and couldn't understand why everyone always was to her.

"H-He's my friend, Samantha. Th-that's all. We've always been friends."

"Honey, he's not your friend. He pities you! Everyone hates you, and he felt sorry for you. Caitlynn, I don't understand why you still show your face around here! I mean, no one wants you here. It'd be better if you just went away... for good."

By this time, the tears were trailing freely down Caitlynn's cheeks. She just nodded in defeat. Samantha slammed her against the wall one last time, then left the bathroom.

Caitlynn let out a soft whimper and turned to the mirror.

Her hair was in disarray, her make-up streaming down her face, and the back of her head hurt.

'She's right... no one needs me here. I'm only in the way...' she thought. She wasn't sad, really. She'd only been told what she'd already known.. the truth.

And tonight had been the final chance.

She knew what she had to do.

_____________________________________________________________________

"Samantha, c'mon, now. Just let me go find her."

"Why, Benjamin? I'm your girlfriend, so stay with me!"

Benji let a small growl roll through his throat.

"Yeah? Well, shes my best friend. I know you don't like her, and that's fine. But you're always outright rude to her, and I don't like it! And..."

Samantha stared at him, waiting for him to finish.

"And, what?"

Benji sighed.

"And I'm tired of you treating her like that. I should've done this so much sooner. I'm done, Sammi. You can find yourself a boyfriend who's just as mean and hateful as you are. I'm gonna go find Caitie now."

"Oh yeah? Well good luck with that! She's probably gone by now!!!" she yelled.

"Gone? What do you mean, 'gone'? What did you do, Samantha?"

It took a few minutes, but Benji got the whole ordeal out of her.

"You cold, heartless, bitch. You'd better hope to God I find her."

Benji searched, and searched, and searched, and S. E. A. R. C. H. E. D.

Finally, he came upon a dark figure leaning against the Agriculture Department's garden shed door.

'Of course,' he thought. That was Caitlynn's favorite place to talk to him, or read, or do anything, really.

"Caitie! Is that you?"

The figure didn't answer.

"Caitie, I've been looking everywhere for you. We need to talk."

The figure said nothing.

Benji got closer and closer, and finally, saw that it was, in fact, Caitlynn leaning up against the door.

"Caitlynn, I'm sorry for what Samantha did. Really. I told her off for it and... And I broke up with her."

Caitlynn didn't say anything in return. She just kept herglazed eyes gaze focused on the ground.

"Please don't ignore me, Caitie. Nothing that she said was true. In fact... In fact, I love you. A lot."

She still didn't respond.

Benji knelt beside her and peered at her face.

That's when he noticed how unnaturally still she was.

He crept a little closer, right upon her, and heard a little crunch sound beneath his foot...

A piece of paper.

He gingerly picked it up with shaking hands and read it.

"so why don't you let me know if i could
grow with you, i'm falling for you
i think it's time for me say
i've kept this mouth shut far too long
i'm sorry, i'm sorry

I love you, Benji. I fully and truly am in love with you. But I guess it's not enough. I should've told you sooner. I guess it's too late.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I'm sorry."

Benji didn't understand. He grabbed Caitlynn's hand, held her wrist.

No pulse.

He heart began racing. He put a hand against her chest.

Her heart didn't.

He began panicking.

Her chest didn't rise or fall.

He was too late.

She was already G. O. N. E.