Daddy and Me

“ShopCo will be closing in fifteen minutes.”
Great, I have fifteen minutes to get to the register. I only have a few more things to get. Baby formula, shrimp cocktail, and cheetos. I head over to the aisle labeled “baby formula, shrimp cocktail, and Cheetos” and quickly make my selections, tossing the shrimp cocktail and baby formula into the cart, but gently placing the cheetos in the top part where kids ride, as I don’t want to break the glass jar they come in.

“ShopCo will be closing in five minutes.”
Luckily I’m in the row just before he registers. I turn to go down the aisle, but a jar of Fritos falls down in my path. I stop and pick them up, when the intercom sounds again.

“ShopCo is closing now.”
No! It can’t close. I’m still here. I need to purchase. Purchase, I tell you, purchase!
The lights go black and I hear the front door click shut.
“I’m still in here!” I scream at the top of my lungs. I scramble around the cart and another jar of Fritos falls in my path. I pick it up and continue, but another one crashes in front of me.
“Billie Joe,” it hisses at me, red eyes glowing. “You’re never getting out of here.”
“NO!” I shriek and throw it behind me. I break into a run and am attacked from all sides, beaten to the ground.
“Billie Joe” the jars of Fritos chant. “You’re locked in.”
“No!” I scream, fighting them off. The jars sprout limbs and grab my arms, twisting them behind my back.
“You’ll never get out of ShopCo. Never!” the leader of the jars cackles.
“No!” I scream again, my desperate pleas only fueling their power.
“Billie Joe,” They taunt. “Billie Joe! Billie Joe!”
“No!” I shriek, sitting straight up in bed. Adrienne’s standing above me, giving me a weird look.
“Yes,” she says. “It’s ten-thirty. You have to get up.”
My eyes come into focus and the front of my head bursts into flames. Okay, not really, but it sure as hell feels like it. I flop back into the pillow and pull hers over onto my face.
“Go away,” I mumble when she shakes my arm.
“Hungover?” she says. I cant’ see her, but I can tell she’s smiling.
“Mrrr,” I groan.
“Well, you have to get up. I have a doctor’s appointment I forgot about and so you have to take Joey to the Mommy and Me class today.”
What?
“What?” I ask, removing the pillow. She gives me a look.
“Please Billie Joe? He loves that class.”
“He’s a baby. Does he really love anything?”
She gives me the look again, and I hoist myself out of bed.

“So what time is this thing?” I ask as I stumble into the bathroom.
“Eleven thirty,” Adie says, following me and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I peer at her.
“Okay, a), that’s like an hour. So you could have let me sleep for at least another forty-five minutes. And b), must you watch me pee?”
She laughs and shakes her head.
“Okay, a), it takes you way longer to get ready than fifteen minutes, and b) yes. Yes I must.”
“Well,” I say, trying to figure a way out of this. I really don’t feel like ‘bonding’ with other new parents. Especially not when I’m hungover.
“Well?” she says cocking her head to the side.
“Never mind,” I mumble. She wins me over every time. I sit next to her on the tub and give her the biggest grin my hangover can handle.
“So what am I going to have to do?”
“Just take him. They’ll tell you what to do. It’s really not as bad as you’re thinking it’ll be,” she says kissing my nose. She glances at the clock on the wall (yes, we have a clock in the bathroom) and hops up from the tub.
“I’m going to be late. I’ll see you when you two get back okay?”
I groan and follow her out the door.
“Is Joey still asleep?” I ask tripping down the stairs after her.
“Yeah. He was up a lot last night,” she says grabbing her purse off the kitchen table. I seat myself and grab a banana out of the fruit bowl.
“I didn’t hear him,” I say taking a bite, chewing cautiously. I hate bananas, and I had forgotten until just now. Bleh.
“You were out of your mind,” she giggles into her hand, slinging her bag over her shoulder and perching next to me on the table. I jut my bottom lip out at her and she pulls my face to hers, planting a kiss on my forehead.
“I’ll see you soon, sweetheart,” she says, sliding off the table and heading out the back door.
“Bye,” I call after her. I chuck the rest of the banana into the garbage and drag myself up the stairs to wake up Joey.

“Hey dude,” I say going into his room/ nursery thing. He’s standing up in his crib.
“Bah,” he says, holding out his arms. I scoop him up and plop into the big puffy chair next to his crib.
“Oh man,” I say sitting him up on my lap. “I can’t believe I got suckered into this. I can’t believe you got suckered into this. Honestly Joey, you seem sensible enough to not like this mommy and me crap.”
“Bah,” he says, grinning at me.
“I agree,” I say.

Joey grabs onto my shirt and tries to pull himself into a standing position but slips. He’s been teetering around a lot lately.
“Hey, you wanna walk?” I say, sliding down onto the floor.
“Bah,” he says, slapping me in the face and laughing uproariously.
“Hey,”I say holding him above my head. “If you keep that up, someone’s going to beat down on you.”
He giggles and I scootch up to lean on the chair and hold him up so he’s standing.
“Okay, walk!” I say letting go. He topples over, landing on his face. Shit.
He lets out a blood curdling scream before I can reach out and catch him.
“Aw,” I coo at him. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
He settles down a bit and grabs at my hair.
“I gotta take a shower, huh?” I say pulling us back up on the chair. “I’m kinda greasy. I’m sure the chicks at the thing we have to go would appreciate it.”
“Bahbah,” he says.
I force myself out of the chair and drag my ass into our bathroom. Damn it. Where am I supposed to put the baby?
“You’re not going to just sit on the floor are you?” I ask him. He grins at me and grabs at my ear.
“Ow,” I say unhooking his fingers from my earrings. Sometimes I think babies are like birds with the whole ‘being attracted to shiny things’ obsession.
I glance at the clock. 11:00. Where the fuck did all that time go? Gah, whatever.
“So,” I say adjusting Joey on my hip. “Where am I supposed to put you?”
He stares at me blankly.
“You’re a lot of help,” I sigh and bite my bottom lip in thought. I guess I could put him in his play pen thing. But then he’d be in a whole other room and I wouldn’t be able to hear him. But I can’t just let him hang out on the floor. What the fuck am I supposed to do?