Daddy and Me
Roger? Unhygienic? Surely You Jest
“Alright,” the leader lady says, getting up from the ground and bringing an easel type thing over. She pulls the top sheet from the pad sitting on it off and there’s a bunch of drawings of babies on it. Anatomically correct babies.
Jesus.
“Okay, for starters, we’re going to want to undress baby,” she says, clasping her hands together.
“Seriously?” I ask the Amy girl.
“Seriously, what?” she says.
“We have to take their clothes off?”
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” the annoying loose girl asks me.
“Uhhh-“
“Marcia, don’t bug him,” a girl next to her says. The Marcia chick glares back at her and gives me a cheeky grin. No, I will not have sex with you.
“You can keep the diaper on or take it off, it’s up to you,” the leader says. “But Baby will get more enjoyment if their free of all their restraints.”
Joey gives me a look that says, take it off and I’m shitting everywhere. I scoop him up to take off his stuff and he struggles against me.
“I know, I know,” I say.
“Okay,” the leader says, going around the circle and passing out pillow things cased in the stuff that airlines put on their pillows. “Put Baby on the pillow in front of you.”
A bottle of baby oil is getting handed around the circle. I’ll pass thanks.
“But don’t you want your hands to be soft for your baby?” Marcia says, practically purring.
“No, we’re good,”I say trying to not retch.
“Alright, are we already to begin?” the leader says, sitting back down and pulling the easel over to her. “First, we’re going to start with the arms.”
Okay, I just have to get through this.
“Make a circle with your thumb and fingers around Baby’s arm. Massage around her armpit and go down the arm. Good, everyone.”
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Joey’s looking at me like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?’
“Okay, mommies. Oh, daddy too,” the leader chuckles. Shudder. “Caress Baby’s elbow gently, then move to Baby’s wrist, making turning motions.”
Everyone does what they’re told and the leader claps in delight.
“isn’t bonding with Baby fun?”
The ladies reply in varying degrees of enthusiasm.
“Wonderful. Next, we’ll do the legs.”
“This is so much fun,” the Amy girls says to me.
“Uh, yeah,” I say.
Joey seems to be tolerating the whole thing more than I am. That is until it comes to “tummy massage” time.
I flip him on his back, as I’m told.
“Now work the tummy in a circular motion, avoiding the genital area.”
Holy fuck. No fuckin’ shit you don’t rub up your baby’s crotch.
I go to do what they say, but apparently I’m not doing it right and Marcia grabs him away to ‘show me how’. Joey freaks. He starts screaming and her off.
“It’s okay,” I say, trying to get him to shut up, but he won’t. All the girls are staring at me, like I’m abusing him or something.
“Uhhh, I’ll be right back,” I say grabbing up Joey and hightailing it out the door.
“Have too much?” I ask him when we get into the hall. “Yeah, me too.”
He continues to cry, but a little less than when we were in there. When he finally calms all the way down, I figure it’s best for me to go get his stuff and get out of there. It’s seriously freaking me out. Going back into the room, I see I’ve missed out on the rest of the massage time. Damn.
The moms are redressing their shithead children and conversing among themselves. I try and sneak in without being noticed, but… I am who I am and I crash into a table. All the girls turn and look at me. I slink down and scoot over to Joey’s clothes, dressing him as quickly as he would let me. He squirms all over the place and reaches out for Roger. I grab it and give it to him.
“You know,” the Marcia girl says, hoisting up her baby on her shoulder and glaring down at me. “You shouldn’t let your baby have that. It’s unhygienic.”
“I think you trying to get in my pants in unhygienic,” I respond, grabbing Joey’s stuff and scooting out the door. You know, before she could answer me back.
Jesus.
“Okay, for starters, we’re going to want to undress baby,” she says, clasping her hands together.
“Seriously?” I ask the Amy girl.
“Seriously, what?” she says.
“We have to take their clothes off?”
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” the annoying loose girl asks me.
“Uhhh-“
“Marcia, don’t bug him,” a girl next to her says. The Marcia chick glares back at her and gives me a cheeky grin. No, I will not have sex with you.
“You can keep the diaper on or take it off, it’s up to you,” the leader says. “But Baby will get more enjoyment if their free of all their restraints.”
Joey gives me a look that says, take it off and I’m shitting everywhere. I scoop him up to take off his stuff and he struggles against me.
“I know, I know,” I say.
“Okay,” the leader says, going around the circle and passing out pillow things cased in the stuff that airlines put on their pillows. “Put Baby on the pillow in front of you.”
A bottle of baby oil is getting handed around the circle. I’ll pass thanks.
“But don’t you want your hands to be soft for your baby?” Marcia says, practically purring.
“No, we’re good,”I say trying to not retch.
“Alright, are we already to begin?” the leader says, sitting back down and pulling the easel over to her. “First, we’re going to start with the arms.”
Okay, I just have to get through this.
“Make a circle with your thumb and fingers around Baby’s arm. Massage around her armpit and go down the arm. Good, everyone.”
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Joey’s looking at me like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?’
“Okay, mommies. Oh, daddy too,” the leader chuckles. Shudder. “Caress Baby’s elbow gently, then move to Baby’s wrist, making turning motions.”
Everyone does what they’re told and the leader claps in delight.
“isn’t bonding with Baby fun?”
The ladies reply in varying degrees of enthusiasm.
“Wonderful. Next, we’ll do the legs.”
“This is so much fun,” the Amy girls says to me.
“Uh, yeah,” I say.
Joey seems to be tolerating the whole thing more than I am. That is until it comes to “tummy massage” time.
I flip him on his back, as I’m told.
“Now work the tummy in a circular motion, avoiding the genital area.”
Holy fuck. No fuckin’ shit you don’t rub up your baby’s crotch.
I go to do what they say, but apparently I’m not doing it right and Marcia grabs him away to ‘show me how’. Joey freaks. He starts screaming and her off.
“It’s okay,” I say, trying to get him to shut up, but he won’t. All the girls are staring at me, like I’m abusing him or something.
“Uhhh, I’ll be right back,” I say grabbing up Joey and hightailing it out the door.
“Have too much?” I ask him when we get into the hall. “Yeah, me too.”
He continues to cry, but a little less than when we were in there. When he finally calms all the way down, I figure it’s best for me to go get his stuff and get out of there. It’s seriously freaking me out. Going back into the room, I see I’ve missed out on the rest of the massage time. Damn.
The moms are redressing their shithead children and conversing among themselves. I try and sneak in without being noticed, but… I am who I am and I crash into a table. All the girls turn and look at me. I slink down and scoot over to Joey’s clothes, dressing him as quickly as he would let me. He squirms all over the place and reaches out for Roger. I grab it and give it to him.
“You know,” the Marcia girl says, hoisting up her baby on her shoulder and glaring down at me. “You shouldn’t let your baby have that. It’s unhygienic.”
“I think you trying to get in my pants in unhygienic,” I respond, grabbing Joey’s stuff and scooting out the door. You know, before she could answer me back.