I Can't Tell You I Love You

I love you, Tara." Jaden said to me. I smiled and blushed. "I know." I told him back. He sighed."Tara, why can't you say it back. Please, just let me here it once." He begged me. "I...I can't. Do you want to know why?" I asked him. "I'd rather just have you tell me it back, but fine. Tell me why." He said. I looked away from him. I looked at the grass we were sitting on. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I moved around and felt the bark of the tree against my back. "Fine. I don't tell people I love them. I never have, because it makes you vulnerable." I told him. He turned my head so I looked at him. "What do you mean?" He questioned, his eyes were warm and welcoming. I sighed. "It gives people an opportunity." I told him. "What kind of opportunity." He pushed. "An opportunity to hurt you." I said. He stared into my eyes and didn't speak a word. "Tara. You have to let it go. Let people into your life. There has to be someone on the Earth that you do love. What about me? Do you love me? Yes or no. That way you don't have to say; "I love you", you can just tell me if you do." I shook my head no. "Then no. I don't love you." I told him. He looked surprised, taken back. Like I'd just stabbed him in the heart and he was dying. "OK. Then I can't love you if you don't love me back. It's over Tamara." He told me, standing and walking away. I just sat there, closed my eyes and cried.

Now this happened a lot in my lifetime. I have had four boyfriends and I dated each one at least a full month. They always end up telling me they love me and I can’t say it back so they break up with me. I know I should be used to it by now but it just hurts so much to be close to someone for so long and have them leave you. I know what that’s like, too. My mom and dad left me when I was only five years old, ten years ago they said they didn’t want me anymore and I asked why and they said they didn’t love me. I was put into foster care and now I live as an only child with only a mother. It’s truly sad if you think about it. My adopted mother - Sheena - doesn’t even love me! She told me that over and over again. “Tamara. You are the worst daughter I’ve ever had! I don’t even know why I adopted you! I hate you! I didn’t even like you when I saw you let alone love you! I see why your parents didn’t want you or love you either!” she would shout at me. The first time it happened I cried. She didn’t care though. She just drank four more beers and passed out on the couch, again.

When I got home I noticed Sheena’s nasty, old, rusty station wagon wasn’t there in the driveway. Her car was almost as disgusting as the house. It was a small place, two floors and a basement. It had one bedroom on the bottom floor and another on the second floor - which was really an attic with it’s own bathroom, a small living room, a bathroom, a kitchen and dining room attached to the kitchen and a laundry room in the basement. I walked right through the front yard with mostly dirt but some spots of short, dead, yellow grass. I walked onto the worn out and moldy wooden porch, making sure not to step in any holes or on the pieces of wood that were breaking and cracking.

I gave the door a hard push and it opened. That’s is one good thing - also a bad thing - about living here, I never have to carry a key! The house completely reeked of cigarette smoke and some other drugs, cat pee and dirty, wet clothes. It made me want to vomit. “Welcome home.” I whispered quietly to myself, sighing. I walked into the living room with the small, black and white TV and the old stinky couch that you sink into when you sit in it. Sheena got it free from one of her ‘boyfriends’. It had nasty stains all over it and you could barely tell the normal color it used to be - pink. The carpet in the living room was pink, too. It had stains on it but not as many. It really needed washed. I turned off the TV which Sheena left on and walked into the kitchen. The white tiled floor really needed scrubbed, already. I’d just cleaned it for hours yesterday and now when Sheena gets home she’s gonna tell me to do it again. Might as well start now.