Forever Alone

It was another night. Another try. Another failure.

Dragging my feet across dirty, wooden floor, seeing the happy faces, my hands in my pockets balled up in fists, the voice of a waitress asking me what kind of drink would I have. I ordered the strongest one they have, hoping that maybe alcohol would take me back, take me away, to a moment where everything was just perfect. A moment in time when we were happy.

A drunken man stumbled upon my table and sat next to me. I placed my glass down, looking at the poor soul, not saying a word. The security came and took him away. It was for the better. I was looking for a peace, for the silence in a crowd. Wishing for that moment.

The air is cold and it is snowing. I gripped my jacket tighter around me. My phone rang. Another chipper voice of a girl, informing me that Josephine is asleep and that I had nothing to worry. The hot air coming from my mouth, a cloud of steam in the dry snowy night.

And, I missed her. Someone up there really set their goal to make my life a wreck without her. A weird sense of humor if you ask me. I never knew that I would have feelings like these in my life. Feelings that were so beautiful that it hurt.

And more noises. And bar after a bar, while I felt nothing but numbness in my tongue and tingling in my fingers.

Step after step, eyes half closed, all alone in my head, I have not even realized where I have walked to.

I saw her. A beautiful vision standing in her small white dress, a smile on her lips, her eyes so bright.

The burning sensation behind my throat became stronger. Without a control over myself, I screamed.

Just screamed.

At the top of my lungs, in agony.

I screamed until my legs could not support me anymore and I fell down to my knees.

“Why?” I looked at the cold stone, as if I was expecting an answer from it. But, like I was used to, no one could give me the answer I wanted.

Tears cascaded down my face, mixing with tiny white snowflakes, almost invisible. So beautiful in their short life.

I curled up on the cold ground, swallowing myself in tears and happy memories.

Trying to remember one single thing that could make me hate her, to make me leave and never come back. But, the more I tired, the more it made me smile. I wanted to remember. I wanted to be able to tell her so much, to hold her in my arms, a place where she fit perfectly. To feel her arms around my waist, to hear her laugh ringing in the room. To have her hold her daughter at nights when she has bad dreams.

I wanted a happily ever after.

I did not deserve it.

So I ran. I ran far away from the place she was, leaving her behind, buried deep down below the snow.

The bar was near its closing time, but there were still a lot of people there. Staled air mixed with sweat and alcohol was what I needed. I needed to forget. I wanted to have just a piece in time where I would not feel so broken.

I searched my comfort in drinking.

I drowned the voices.

And it might be the alcohol that destroyed me that night. But I was already dead. My heard died the day she did.

Broken beyond repair.