If You Only Knew

Alyssa’s POV

I sat in Jake’s car, in complete silence. The entire car was silent. There was no music from the radio or a conversation between me and Jake. There was nothing but silence. The rain stopped a little while ago, so that only created even more of an eerie silence between Jake and me.

I hadn’t spoken since we left Sam’s house, and I intended on keeping it that way. There were so many thoughts running through my mind that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I should say something to Jake or keep my thoughts to myself.

I felt as if I had already made up my mind. I already knew what I was going to do. Talking to Emily may have changed, how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to do it. I may not know how, but I’m going to.

We pulled up in front of my house to find my dad sitting on the front porch. Once he stopped the car, he nodded his head before walking into the house.

He’s been doing that since the day I came back from the hospital. Despite me explaining that I can take care of myself because of my abilities, he still worried about me. The fact that I was being chased by vampires overpowered my abilities. He was still shocked by me being telekinetic, but he only cared about my safety at this point. He was simply being a dad, so I couldn’t blame him for caring.

I sighed before I looked down at my hands. My fingers played with the hem of my sweater. I bit my lip as I continued to absentmindedly play with my sweater.

I looked over at Jake, hoping that I would be able to make up my mind. Seeing him only complicated things even more.

Even in the dark, I could see that Jake wasn’t looking at me. His gaze was focused ahead. His hands tightly gripped the steering wheel as he sat there. His soft lips that were usually curved upwards into a smile were now in a straight line. His jaw was clenched, as he continued to stare forward.

He knew. He knew that I was considering being turned. I should have known that he would find out. I was surprised that he didn’t over hear me when I said something to Emily. I knew that if he found out, he wouldn’t like it.

In fact, I didn’t even like that I was considering it. I wouldn’t even consider it, if I didn’t think that it was the right thing to do.

I thought that if I did this I would be saving the pack. It’s better to lose one than to lose everyone. Especially losing Jake, I don’t know what I would do if Jake died because of me.

“Jake…” I softly whispered.

He closed his eyes. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. He took a deep breath, to relax himself. His grip loosened slightly, before he opened his eyes. He continued to stare in front of him.

“Why?” he questioned.

I bit my lip, looking down at my hands in my lap. “I thought that…that it would be…the right thing to do,” I whispered.

His grip on the wheel tightened once more. “The right thing to do,” he repeated. He scoffed as he looked out of the window. He shook his head. “Why would you think that dying, would be the right thing to do,”

I flinched at the harshness in his voice. I winced from thinking about myself dying. I knew that this was what I was considering, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to actually face the fact that I was giving my life up for others. I was ending my life in one of the worst ways possible. I was basically committing suicide.

“Why would you ever consider death as an option. As if you didn’t have any other choices. You didn’t even think about anything that I said at the beach did you?”

I opened my mouth to object but fell short. Jake shook his head once more, his eyes closed. “You didn’t even consider the fact that we were going to protect you. You actually were going to let them turn you. I know you don’t want this Alyssa, so why would you even consider it,”

I fell silent. I didn’t know how to explain my decision. I simply thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought that they would understand why I wanted to do it. I didn’t know how to explain it, but I understood why I needed to do it.

“I just have one question for you,” he spoke. I nodded my head, as I kept my gaze on my lap. Jake sighed, before he ran a hand through his cropped hair.

“Did you think about how you being turned would affect me?”

I tensed up. Honestly, I didn’t think about Jake’s feelings. I didn’t think about how he would be affected by this. All I could think about was, how I was protecting him. I didn’t think about how he felt from this. Not once, did I think about Jake would react to me being turned.

“No,” my voice was barely audible. I didn’t want him to hear me, but I knew that he had. I knew that he had heard me perfectly clear with his enhanced hearing.

Jake tensed up immediately. “Damn it Alyssa,” he muttered. His set his gaze on me, but I refused to meet his. I didn’t want to see exactly how upset with me he was.

“Alyssa,” he began “I hate the idea of you being turned. I can’t even explain, or describe how disgusted and angry it makes me to even think of a leech touching you. Don’t you think that there’s a reason why I’m doing everything that I can, to protect you. I’m not just doing it because it’s my job,”

“I’m doing this because I love you Alyssa,”

I tensed up at his words. Jake sighed once more, only this time out of aggravation. He grabbed my chin and turned my head to look at him. I shut my eyes not wanting to look at him.

“Look at me Lys,”

I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes. Jake was staring directly at me. His dark brown orbs bore into mine. It was as if he was staring directly into my soul. His eyes were swirling with so many emotions as he stared at me.

“I love you Alyssa. I would do anything for you, to protect you. Why can’t you see that? I would never want you to pick…that. I love you”

“Alyssa, if you were turned…I don’t know what I would do. I would…” he licked his lips as he closed his eyes. “I’d die Lys,”

I immediately tensed up. I grabbed his hand and moved it from my face. I scooted back until I was leaning against the door. I frantically shook my head.

“No,” I spoke, continuing to shake my head. “Jake no,”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t kill himself because of me. That only made things even harder for me. He didn’t mean it, he couldn’t mean it. I know that he didn’t mean it. He just couldn’t. He was simply trying to keep me from making that decision. He wasn’t actually going to kill himself. I knew that he wouldn’t. He just couldn’t.

“Well what do you expect to happen?!” Jake yelled. I flinched at the sound of his voice. I didn’t want Jake yelling at me, but I couldn’t blame him for it.

“That I would just be completely fine with you being a leech. That I would be completely okay, with you being my worst enemy!! I love you Alyssa!! I’m not going to live the rest of my life without you!! I couldn’t live knowing that I had you and lost you when I could have prevented it!! I love you too much to go on after losing you!!”

“I’m not going to lose you and go on as if nothing happens. I won’t Lys, I just won’t!!!”

Tears began to brim my eyes. I could feel myself beginning to break down. I could tell that I was going to cry any moment now. This was just too much to bear.

I quickly opened the car door, and jumped out of the car. I didn’t bother to shut the door, I simply started running. I could hear Jake calling my name from behind me but I didn’t care. I continued running towards my house.

By the time I reached the porch, tears were now streaming down my face. I quickly ran into my house, and slammed the door behind me. I slid down the door as I began to sob.

I heard my dad run over to me, as I continued to sob. He quickly held me, as I sobbed into his chest. He began to rock me back and forth as he told me everything would be alright. This only made me sob harder.

Everything wouldn’t be alright. Everything would be far from it. I didn’t know how things would turn out.

I continued to sob into my dad’s chest. Not caring how small I felt. This may be the last time that I feel this way.