What Makes You So Special.
Ally
Jason woke up on the morning of February 3, 2007 with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was the day of his sister’s funeral, and he could hear his mother weeping just a floor below. Ally had only turned 15 just days before her death. As her older brother, Jason felt almost like it was his fault. He grudgingly got up out of his bed, dressing in the suit his father had lent him for the occasion. Looking at himself in the mirror, Jason thought that the black on the outside wasn’t dark enough to represent the dark despair he felt on the inside at the loss of his sister. He realized this was what she must have felt like. Maybe even worse. You’ve got to be pretty damn sad to end it all. He sprayed some cologne on his neck before tying the tie he’d laid out on his dresser the night before. Jason ran a brush through his hair and decided that he looked good enough. Nobody really cared about his appearance anyway. Today was for Ally.
She’d written him a suicide note. She’d written one to their parents as well, and one for the rest of the distant family. Most of the family was here today, minus their Grandpa Lou and one or two cousins. It wasn’t as if Jason was keeping tabs on his family. He wouldn’t have minded if the ceremony had just been with him and his parents. Nobody else could possibly care as much as they did. Thing was, just a few days ago Jason and Ally were ignoring each other over nothing, or fighting over who could use the bathroom and when. It wasn’t like they were hanging out. On occasion he’d have a real conversation with her, but it wasn’t like when they were little kids. Still what she’d written in her suicide note had affected him. His mind was filled with thoughts questioning Ally’s every word and action from the past few months. He couldn’t stop wondering when things had changed; when she had gone over the edge from sadness to depression. Her note was more than just a goodbye: it was Jason’s only insight into the sister he’d never see again. It read:
Jason-
If you are reading this, then I’m no longer here, and I actually went through with it. I don’t know exactly what to write to you, but I figured you’d want your own letter. So. Well, I want you to have my TV, and laptop and everything. Oh, and you can have my iPod. (Maybe my taste in music will rub off on you.) I bet you’re wondering why I did this. It’s hard to explain. I mean, it’s not like things are so bad. I’m not like some tragic victim. To be quite honest, it’s just me being my normal, simple self. I’m sick of all this goddamn losing. I lost a guy I loved to someone prettier, I lost most of my friends to parties and drinking, and I guess in all that I lost myself. That’s it. I’m just not all that special, and I’m sick enough of it that I’m just done. I’ll see you on the other side.
Love,
Ally
He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed how sad she’d gotten. He couldn’t imagine that he could miss all the signs. The more he thought about it, she hadn’t been going out with her friends, or dating anyone, or partying. She hadn’t been doing much of anything, and he’d just assumed that she was pissed off about something. He was supposed to have noticed. He was her big brother after all.
He didn’t understand. How could she possibly not understand how special she really was. Sure, she wasn’t the smartest girl in the world, but he thought about things in this incredible way. Ally didn’t see people as just black and white. She noticed everybody’s abilities and vulnerabilities, flaws and perfections. And then, she didn’t judge them for those good and bad things. No, she didn’t really judge them at all. Her friends had always seemed to be the people who understood her, but I guess they’d stopped being friends in the past few months. How hadn’t he noticed? She dated the quintessential bad boys, and though he told her not to, she had a rebel streak when it came to boys. But her last boyfriend had been a nice-enough looking prep, and he hadn’t thought anything of it. He must’ve thought too quickly, because he hurt Ally enough to bring her down hard. She’d never seemed broken. Her porcelain skin made her seem fragile, but not cracked. Her azure eyes never showed a hint of lost vitality. And those things made her special too.
He didn’t understand how Ally could’ve felt so ordinary. As far as he could see she was a caramel in a box of chocolates. Unique sweetness. Her simple compassion was hard to find. She was so frustrating about it too. If she saw anyone crying she had to go and comfort them even if it delayed their getting home, or going to dinner. Nobody wants that kind of attention when they’re crying. But she did it anyway.
And sometimes, she’d go running in the rain. It wasn’t like she really needed to go for a run, but it didn’t matter. And then she’d come in sopping wet, leaving a trail of water from the door to her room.
Plus her mind was always wandering, never concentrating for more than a minute. It could drive him crazy. She never thought anything through, but she always thought about everyone else. What a goddamn paradox.
Ally was special. Jason didn’t have to think much to realize that. He only wondered why she hadn’t seen how insanely unique she truly was.
Buttoning the final button on his suit jacket, Jason walked down the stairs where his family was congregated in their kitchen. Not wanting to listen to the nostalgia, he walked out the front door, almost jogging away from the house. Dark clouds loomed in the distance and he continued toward them, Ally’s note in hand. Once he reached the field the clouds thundered and rain began to pour upon him. The ink on her note was bleeding and he began to tear it into pieces that blew away from him in the wind. He let his tears blend with the rain and wept, whispering to the ground.
“You knew you were special. I don’t believe you for a second.”
She’d written him a suicide note. She’d written one to their parents as well, and one for the rest of the distant family. Most of the family was here today, minus their Grandpa Lou and one or two cousins. It wasn’t as if Jason was keeping tabs on his family. He wouldn’t have minded if the ceremony had just been with him and his parents. Nobody else could possibly care as much as they did. Thing was, just a few days ago Jason and Ally were ignoring each other over nothing, or fighting over who could use the bathroom and when. It wasn’t like they were hanging out. On occasion he’d have a real conversation with her, but it wasn’t like when they were little kids. Still what she’d written in her suicide note had affected him. His mind was filled with thoughts questioning Ally’s every word and action from the past few months. He couldn’t stop wondering when things had changed; when she had gone over the edge from sadness to depression. Her note was more than just a goodbye: it was Jason’s only insight into the sister he’d never see again. It read:
Jason-
If you are reading this, then I’m no longer here, and I actually went through with it. I don’t know exactly what to write to you, but I figured you’d want your own letter. So. Well, I want you to have my TV, and laptop and everything. Oh, and you can have my iPod. (Maybe my taste in music will rub off on you.) I bet you’re wondering why I did this. It’s hard to explain. I mean, it’s not like things are so bad. I’m not like some tragic victim. To be quite honest, it’s just me being my normal, simple self. I’m sick of all this goddamn losing. I lost a guy I loved to someone prettier, I lost most of my friends to parties and drinking, and I guess in all that I lost myself. That’s it. I’m just not all that special, and I’m sick enough of it that I’m just done. I’ll see you on the other side.
Love,
Ally
He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed how sad she’d gotten. He couldn’t imagine that he could miss all the signs. The more he thought about it, she hadn’t been going out with her friends, or dating anyone, or partying. She hadn’t been doing much of anything, and he’d just assumed that she was pissed off about something. He was supposed to have noticed. He was her big brother after all.
He didn’t understand. How could she possibly not understand how special she really was. Sure, she wasn’t the smartest girl in the world, but he thought about things in this incredible way. Ally didn’t see people as just black and white. She noticed everybody’s abilities and vulnerabilities, flaws and perfections. And then, she didn’t judge them for those good and bad things. No, she didn’t really judge them at all. Her friends had always seemed to be the people who understood her, but I guess they’d stopped being friends in the past few months. How hadn’t he noticed? She dated the quintessential bad boys, and though he told her not to, she had a rebel streak when it came to boys. But her last boyfriend had been a nice-enough looking prep, and he hadn’t thought anything of it. He must’ve thought too quickly, because he hurt Ally enough to bring her down hard. She’d never seemed broken. Her porcelain skin made her seem fragile, but not cracked. Her azure eyes never showed a hint of lost vitality. And those things made her special too.
He didn’t understand how Ally could’ve felt so ordinary. As far as he could see she was a caramel in a box of chocolates. Unique sweetness. Her simple compassion was hard to find. She was so frustrating about it too. If she saw anyone crying she had to go and comfort them even if it delayed their getting home, or going to dinner. Nobody wants that kind of attention when they’re crying. But she did it anyway.
And sometimes, she’d go running in the rain. It wasn’t like she really needed to go for a run, but it didn’t matter. And then she’d come in sopping wet, leaving a trail of water from the door to her room.
Plus her mind was always wandering, never concentrating for more than a minute. It could drive him crazy. She never thought anything through, but she always thought about everyone else. What a goddamn paradox.
Ally was special. Jason didn’t have to think much to realize that. He only wondered why she hadn’t seen how insanely unique she truly was.
Buttoning the final button on his suit jacket, Jason walked down the stairs where his family was congregated in their kitchen. Not wanting to listen to the nostalgia, he walked out the front door, almost jogging away from the house. Dark clouds loomed in the distance and he continued toward them, Ally’s note in hand. Once he reached the field the clouds thundered and rain began to pour upon him. The ink on her note was bleeding and he began to tear it into pieces that blew away from him in the wind. He let his tears blend with the rain and wept, whispering to the ground.
“You knew you were special. I don’t believe you for a second.”