'Oh How the Lights Are Shining'

I’m on a cliff. I’ve been standing here too long and its starting to crumble. I cant wait here any longer, I need to make up my mind. Either:
Step back. Run back. Back to my old life. Try to enjoy what I had before.
Or.
Jump. I don’t know what’s below. I could sink. I could swim.
As my phone vibrates, the cliff is crumbling…

I’m very metaphorical right? I think it’s the alcohol. I’m not really sure what’s going on. I can see a shower in front of me. Sideways. That means I’m laying on the floor…the bathroom floor. I have my cheek pressed against the cool linoleum. It feels good. Soothing.

My hand is shaking hard along with my phone. I was almost forgetting how to answer, my finger, hovering above it. Accept or Reject.

Maybe it shouldn’t be this hard to decide. Maybe I’m gonna be miserable either way?

My finger finally hit’s the button, without my brain really noticing, and the phone is silent. For a moment, nothing happens. I’m not sure what I was really expecting to happen. My heart is beating in my ears, so I don’t hear Gabe’s tiny voice emitting from my phone, which is still held out in front of me. When I notice him calling me, I sit up quickly, making me momentarily dizzy.

“Gabe?” I ask stupidly. His name is the only thing that fits right now.

He stops his rambling and says: “Kitty?” It’s silent except for his breath shaking down the phone. “¿Dónde está usted? “ he whispers. “¿Me puede oír usted? ¿Está bien usted? Kitty, mi estimado, yo le pierdo! M-”

“Gabe shut up” I yell at him, frustrated. He’s speaking Spanish which means he’s really excited, really angry, or drunk. My guess is the last two?

“¿Está usted con Alex?”

“What? Alex?”

“Is he staying with you?” Gabe finally says, still with a slight accent I’m not used to.

“Well…yeah, I guess-”

“¡Por qué? Why? Is he your new boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend!” I yell back, tears now welling in my eyes. Why is he mad at me when I miss him so much?

“Kitty kitty kitty, why do you do this?” he whines.

“Me? I haven’t done anything! I’m just working my butt off and waiting to see you again!”

Its quiet now for a long time and I’m not sure if he’s hung up so I keep checking the phone screen, seeing he hasn’t, putting in back to my ears, and then panicking that he has again. When he eventually speaks again, I’m checking my screen. I pull he phone to my ears quickly “What?!” I say quickly.

“Huh? I said I’m---”

“What?!” I yell down the phone again, straight over him. “Sorry”

“Sorry?” he says, I can almost see him frowning. “I said sorry.”

“I know, sorry, I didn’t hear. What did you say?”

“Sorry.”

“What did you say?!” I repeat, getting frustrated now.

“I said sorry! I wasn’t ringing you just to have a go at you, I just got carried away…” I’m nodding down the phone, even though he cant see. I’m biting my thumb nail awkwardly, tears drying on my face, not really sure what’s going on. “Are you okay?” he asks me.

“Are you drunk?” It seems like a irrelevant question. “I really wish we could have had this call earlier. I hate drinking, I forgot” I let myself slide back down so I’m laying for a bit, and look at my warped reflection in shower door opposite. I widen my eyes at myself, before sitting up and trying to sort my hair out one handed. “You still there?” I ask, pushing random strands away from my eyes so I can actually see.

“I’m here. I’m always here” his voice is tiny now, but I still feel the need to argue.

“You not. Not when you don’t answer the phone when I ring you. And when you don’t text me back. You may as well be on the whole other side of the world. Or mars or something.”

“Kitty I’m sorry! I do miss you! So much!”

I stand up, stretching my arms up towards the ceiling once at a time, and looking at myself hard in the mirror the whole time. I adjust my shirt and straighten out my skirt.

“Kitty?” Gabe asks, due to my not replying I guess.

“When am I going to see you?” His turn to go quiet. “See! This is what I mea-”

“I’m trying Kitty, I’m trying. I want to see you soo bad.”

“I want to see you too” I say, my voice becoming a whisper now.

“I’ll work something out. If you forgive me?”

“…I do.”

After this we say goodbye and I finally leave the loo. Even when I re-join the crowd I’m not longer in the mood for partying. At the far end of the lounge, near a big, bay-window, are two couches facing each other. Alex and Ant a sprawled out on one, and Matt Wilson is leaning back on the other. I tip-toe through the small crowd, away form the music, and look at Matt hopefully. He nods, heading my silent plea to share his chair and agreeing. I sit down gently, giving him a small smile and pull my legs up too, swiveling so I can rest my head on the arm.
I watch Alex, sideways. He looks sweet, asleep like a baby. I’m trying not to re-think my decision. Answering the phone was symbolic. I basically condoned him ignoring me. I mean, I know, or hope at least, it isn’t on purpose. But I now I’ve agreed to keep waiting fro him.

I hope I did the right thing…