Tied Up In Knots

It had been six months since our legal separation and I still woke up expecting it to be Patrick's arm draped over my hip. Every morning the realization that it wasn't him, broke my heart a little more. Before the truth slapped me in the face, I'd smile and rake my finger over his large arm muscles before I even opened my eyes and that's when I'd realize it wasn't him. My smile would drop from my face, and I'd console myself with the rather good catch I happened to bring repeatedly back to my bed. It's not as though the man lying next to me, holding me against his naked body was a disappointment, Duncan was anything but. No this man had never let me down, not in bed, and not out of it. It's not like I'd ever really give him the opportunity to disappoint me though. I'd only ever given my heart to one man and he crushed it into a million pieces. No man was going to get that opportunity again.

I moved his large arm from from my hip and tried to make for the edge of the bed, but he was too quick for me and pulled me back into him.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked his voice still husky from sleep.

"To get a divorce." I answered void of emotion.

"You say that like you'd say 'going grocery shopping.' This is a big deal. Are you going to be OK?" His concern for me was a surprise. We didn't have many heart to hearts. We had lots of unbelievable wild sex, but no little chats about emotions and feelings choosing instead to keep our little, what would you call it, fling maybe, light hearted and fun.

"This is just a preliminary meeting. It's not official until next week when we get the final paperwork back. This needs to happen, it's about time that I separate myself from him permanently. I'm done with having to see him to work out details. I'm done with attorney meetings. I'm done seeing him all together."

He nibbled on the back of my neck. "I could go with you if you want."

I turned quickly looking for a joking expression on his face. He was completely serious. I should have known he was serious. He didn't really joke. He left that up to his teammates especially Patrick and Adam. Duncan was an introvert, quiet, reserved, and when he said something, whatever it was, it had meaning. "I don't think that's a good idea. Do you?"

"You didn't think this was a good idea either." He was referring to whatever it was going on between us. He nibbled on my ear as he said it. "Yet here we are, and we keep ending up back here. He's going to find out eventually."

"Not till after the divorce Duncan. I don't want to hurt him. We talked about this." He just sighed. I knew what he was thinking. Patrick had hurt me, why did it matter? In an effort to stop further discussion about the matter at hand, I turned and kissed him, the kind of kiss that always landed us back in his bed. I guarantee you he wasn't thinking about Patrick after that kiss. I pulled away and sat up. He didn't fight me this time, and let me sit on the edge of the bed. His bed was beautiful with crisp white sheets and Silver throw pillows, shams and comforter. It was one hundred percent Duncan, big, firm and manly! I'm not sure why I didn't just get up, but he took advantage of my hesitation. He placed small kisses on the center of my naked back and kissed upward to my shoulder. "Will I see you tonight?" he asked. "Maybe we could grab dinner."

"I'm not sure if I'm going to be great company tonight. We should pass on dinner."

He stopped kissing my neck which I took to mean he was concerned. "Ok, but I'll see you later, yeah?"

I didn't honestly know if he would. I hadn't stayed at my own place in a week. I didn't want to become dependent on him. When I didn't immediately answer he decided to persuade me. "Come over tonight. I know how much you love that big tub. I'll draw you a bath and give you a back massage." The thought of him hovering over my naked body rubbing the aching muscles of my back was too tempting for me to decline and if I could persuade him into the bath with me, our night might just end up perfectly. I gave him a little smirk, before I agreed. I got up and headed for the shower.

I'd been staying at Duncan's so often that I'd taken to packing an overnight bag, falling asleep completely spent after our enthusiastic sexual exploits and waking up so late and still completely exhausted with no time to get home for a shower and change of clothes. I threw it over my shoulder and headed toward the door, being met there by a shirtless Duncan. I sighed watching him make his way toward me. I've never seen a body like his before, Patrick was no slouch, but Duncan should have been bronzed and put in a museum. Even as Patrick's loving and completely faithful wife I remember having to not look toward Duncan in the locker room. He handed me a metal travel mug of coffee just the way I like it, and kissed me on the forehead. "i'd rather kiss you on the lips, but I don't want to mess up your…" He pointed at my lips, well lined, painted and glossed. "Thanks for that." I gave him a little smile, a smile that hurt a bit, remembering how much Patrick used to love to grab me and kiss me just before I left for work. He hated the perfect look of my hair in a bun and my make-up perfect. He said he wanted me to have something to think about while I was gone, and it always worked. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't rush to get home to him and his arms.

"Good luck today," Duncan's deep voice fell on my ears waking me from my memories. "Why don't you just leave your stuff here. I'll clear out a drawer for you." Remembering that if he said it, he meant it, I didn't bother to check to see if he was serious. I leaned into him letting him wrap his arms around me tightly. "I need more time Duncan."

****

Duncan lived in an exclusive high-rise just down the street from my office. It was a was the reason things started up in the first place, being in the same bar at the same time, and proximity made it easy for us to continue what we started in May. I made the short walk to my building soaking up the warm summer air of the city and took the elevator up to the 9th floor to the office of Murphy, Murphy and Cholette. Home sweet home, ok Work sweet work. It wasn't home, but since things went down with Patrick, I'd spent more time here than anywhere else, pouring myself into my work as a paralegal. I would probably have passed my bar exam by now and started the long journey to making partner had I never met Patrick. I was doing just fine working part time here and going to law school at Northwestern. Damn them for making charity work a requirement. Why couldn't I have chosen a food drive? Why did I have to try to impress everyone by putting together a charity bachelor auction where desperate women bid gobs of money to spend a day with famous Chicago politicians, actors, musicians and athletes.

I worked with three other girls to put together the auction, and being a hockey fan I was more than happy to work with the Blackhawks who after great persuasion handed over Sharp and Burish as their sacrifice from the organization. I can still remember the woman telling me they couldn't spare Toews and Kane, she wouldn't want to cause a "frenzy" in Chicago. I was happy with my accomplishment though and the auction raised over $100,000 for Cystic Fibrosis. It is one of the moments I'm most proud of, yet if I had it to do over again, I would have done the food drive. The moment I saw him I was smitten with him. He got off the elevator just as I looked up and I saw those eyes, that strong jaw. I'd seen plenty of Blackhawks games, but never took much notice of him. Something was different that day. I spent the entire day trying to keep my heart from pounding through my chest as he flirted shamelessly. I played it cool, not wanting to get involved, not wanting a serious relationship, wanting only to be a lawyer, my soul reason for being in Chicago, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't resist him. In a brief alone moment with Adam, I watched Patrick as he walked down the hallway. "If you don't want this you better run," he said into my ear. "Excuse me?" I asked not understand what he was saying. "Patrick is a persistent man, if he wants something he gets it. Something tells me he has his sights set on you." I didn't believe him at the time, and just shrugged off what he said to me. Turns out Adam was dead on. When I turned down Patrick's dinner invitation and refused to give him my phone number, he used his charms to get the administration office of Northwestern to give him my address and phone number. He sent me roses, and called me, and showed up at my office until I gave in. How could I have known what I gave in to.

"Lydia, why are you here today?" Claire asked as she sauntered into my small office and took a seat on the corner of my desk. Claire was my idol. She was the model of determination and focus. She was only 32 when she made partner last year. A young colorful woman in a sea of dusty charcoal grey suits achieving success that I only dreamed of at that point and time. She did it all while raising her seven year old son on her own, and despite the stress and hard work she still managed to be an amazing mother. She was 10 years older than me yet she was the only person I had really bonded with in Chicago. Somehow the pettiness and party life of Northwestern didn't feel right anymore. I already lived that in pre-law at Pitt.

"I don't have to be there till ten, and I'm coming back afterward," I said without looking up from my work.

She plucked the pen from my hand and made me look up at her. "I have a better idea. Why don't you deal with the lousy good for nothing sleaze bag, then go home to that big strong handsome man that's been meeting all your needs lately." She grinned from ear to ear. Her favorite past time was teasing me.

I blushed, Claire knew way to much about Duncan and me. After everything that went down with Patrick, and the fact that she initially forced me to start dating him, she wanted nothing more than to see me fall in love with Duncan and live happily ever after, having acrobatic sex for the rest of my life that would result in a team of amazing little hockey players. "I need to work. I swear to God I'm going finish my last semester, pass that bar exam and become a partner someday. The last thing I need is them remembering back to that time I couldn't make it into the office for personal reasons."

She rolled her eyes at me. "You take this all too seriously. You need to let yourself have more fun." I reacted with and eye roll of my own. "Have it your way. Want me to come with you this morning?" she asked.

"No. I'm a big girl Claire. I can do this." I can do this. I repeated in my mind.

"I know baby girl, but whatever you do, don't look into his eyes. He always gets you when you look into his eyes."

"Don't you have someone to sue?" I asked and we both laughed.

"Yes, some scumbag like your husband. I'm going to take him for all he's worth and get his wife what she deserves. I swear if Robert's not doing a good job I can take over, no problem."

Robert was my attorney, best divorce lawyer in the city and Claire had called in some huge favors to get him to take my case against [the] Patrick Sharp. She wanted to take it herself, but felt she was too close to me and the "scumbag." Her word not mine, though I shared the sentiment. I was appreciative of her efforts, but couldn't convince her or Robert that I didn't give a damn about Patrick's money. I let them run with it staying focused instead on the cases I was already buried in. Whatever came from the settlement was fine. They had my best interests at heart, and I would gladly have traded in any settlement at all to turn back time and have my heart still in tact and Patrick represent nothing in my life but just some hockey player who I met one time at a charity event.

"I'm sure Robert is doing a fine job. Nothing to worry about."

"I know this is affecting you more than you're letting on. I know you're tough Lydie, but you're not a rock. You should seriously just go home today after your meeting. Go find Duncan and have him pleasure you." She smiled and stood up, and walked toward the door knowing full well, I'd be back in the office as soon as the meeting ended. "Or call me and we'll go get drinks and find some hot boys to take advantage of."

"Sure Claire. Thanks." I ran my hand through my short black hair and went back to work.

****

At 9:30 I sat outside of Robert's office waiting for the inevitable, reliving the very moment that my life fell apart. The photos had arrived via Fed Ex, while my husband was on a road trip. I opened the package to find pictures of Patrick sleeping wrapped in a sheet in some woman's bed, his arm firmly draped over her like he always did with me. I wondered if he thought it was me as he slept and pulled her close to him? Or maybe that's the way he slept with all his whores. My eyes started to burn as I recalled how he knelt between my legs and begged me to listen to him. How he told me it was a one time thing, and how the woman was someone he used to see but he broke it off with when we got together. Old habits die hard I guess in the cold winter, when they play Vancouver, (look what happened to little Patty Kane). "It didn't mean anything I swear. I was so drunk Lydie. I don't even remember it." He had tears in his eyes as I walked out the door. The first step in walking out of his life. I rested my head against the wall behind me preparing to take the last step out of his life.

It was 9:45 now. Robert had arrived and given me a little debrief. He offered to let me wait in his office, but I liked being alone in the hallway surrounded by the hustle and bustle of the strangers as they came and went. It made my problems and sadness feel insignificant compared to what some of the people around me must have been dealing with. Some fighting for their freedom from a jail sentence, trying to avoid punishment for their crime, while others fully just in their struggle to bring down the man for allowing something dreadful to befall them. Whatever their reason for being there, a broken heart was something miniscule in the grand scheme of life, and sitting there by myself helped me deal somehow.

"Hi beautiful." I heard beside me and turned to look into the cool blue eyes of a man who used to be one of my best friends. Someone I laughed with, cried with, got drunk with, went skinny dipping with. I was looking in the eyes of my dear friend Adam Burish. Well he used to be my dear friend. Everyone loses something in a divorce, something that they cherish and for me the loss was Adam. He swore somehow we'd still be friends, and I listened to him knowing full well it could never happen. He and Patrick were way too close, and no matter what Patrick did to me, no matter what the reason for us ending this, Patrick was hurt, I knew he loved me, and he needed Adam now way more than I did.

"Hi Adam." I replied solemnly and rested my head on his arm. "What are you doing here?" I was glad to see him, but this wasn't exactly the time or place for a reunion.

"I'm in town the for the Hawks Convention. You haven't returned my calls. Sharpie mentioned your meeting today. I knew this was one place I could find you." I gave him a sad look. "I came to talk you out of it. This is so stupid. You two love each other Lyd. He LOVES you. He's completely and totally miserable."

"As he should be," I replied.

"He's a stupid fuck. He knows that. He knows how badly he fucked up. Can't you guys get past this?"

"Seriously Adam? Seriously? I should live my life wondering when it's going to happen again, worrying if I'm giving him what he needs, cuz if I'm not he'll find it someplace else. He promised me Adam. He promised, and here we are."

"I swear that chick slipped something in his drink. When we left him at the bar he was fine. Something shady happened Lyd. I'm telling you, he never did anything like that before. All he ever talked about was you."

"Yeah, Adam? So if I was so important to him, why do you suppose he stayed when the rest of you left? Why would he put himself in that situation? No! I'm not going to do it. I don't want that life. I didn't wanted to begin with. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have known it would end like this."

It felt so good when he wrapped his arm around me. It felt like home. He was like my teddy bear. The constant third person in the Sharpie, Lydie, and Burs trio. We were always together when the boys were in town. Patrick and I would joke that he'd move right into the house if we let him. I cooked for Adam, shopped for him, even did his laundry sometimes. Adam would tell me if I'd just put out, he'd have no reason to ever leave our house. We had such good times, always laughing and joking. I missed that. I missed the fun times, the trouble we'd get into. "It's not over yet. There's still time. Patrick says nothing is final until next week. Listen to me. You are the most important thing in the world to him. He'd do anything to get another chance."

I looked down at my watch. "Anything Adam? It's 10:15. He can't even fucking get here on time. See how important I am to him?"

"Lydie, this is different. Why would he want to come here? This is it, it's ending, there's no fixing it after next week."

"He should respect me Adam. If he just respected me, none of this would have happened."

I heard the elevator ding and looked up. I wish I would have done a better job heeding Claire's warning. My eyes met his like the opposite ends of two magnets, and my heart beat heavy in my chest. "Patrick." I breathed out.