Tied Up In Knots

 
"I'm so sorry Adam I didn't mean to …" I choked up again and couldn't get my apology for messing up his evening out clearly.
 
Adam was now fully clothed in shorts and a t-shirt. He sat on his couch, my head in his lap while he stroked my hair and told me everything would be OK.  Something about being in his presence, having him take care of me made me almost believe it. "Do you really think I'd ever pick some random opportunity to get laid, over you? That woman was just sex, but you, you're like my sister Lydia. I'd do anything for Nikki and I'd do anything for you. Now tell me what's going on."
 
"My life is a mess Adam. Everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart."
 
"It just feels that way now, but things will get better." I wasn't sure what Adam said was true, but I loved hearing him say it. I sat up just needing to feel his arms around me and he obliged without even being asked. "Sharpie told me about the counseling sessions. Is that what this is about? Is that what brought you here tonight?" I shook my head against his chest, tears still falling freely. He used his thumb to tilt my chin up forcing me to meet his eyes. "I don't know how to help you baby girl, if you can't tell me what's wrong."
 
"I don't know what I'm doing Adam. I'm not myself, I've become a weak little girl. I was so mad tonight. So Mad! I went to see Patrick. I needed him to know that what he was doing, dragging this out, was wrong. I needed to tell him that no matter what he does, what tricks he pulls, that things between us are over. I don't know what happened." He gave me a light squeeze encouraging me to keep going. "One minute I was yelling at him and the next minute we were making out like high school kids. I mean really going at it."
 
"Oh." Adam sighed.
 
"Oh?"
 
"This is about sex?" His eyes went wide with shock."You and Sharpie? Did you…"
 
"No we didn't…but I think we would have. I don't think I would have stopped Adam. If he hadn't pulled away to ask me. If he hadn't paid me that courtesy it would have happened, and I would have made a colossal mistake. What is wrong with me? I keep making such bad decisions."
 
"I don't know a lot about relationships Lyd. Who am I kidding, I know shit about relationships, but I think I know my share about sex, and something tells me if you and Sharpie were about to get it on, it wasn't actually a conscious decision. I'm guessing it more just happened."
 
"Right Adam!" I was surprised to hear that he actually understood. "That's exactly what happened. It was like I lost all conscious thought and just gave in to it." Somehow him understanding that made me feel better.
 
"But what you have to ask is what it actually is. What exactly were you giving into? Was it just sex, because that's easy enough to handle. If what you were giving in to was something more than that, something like love. You know that thing you and Sharpie were always trying to convince me I needed to find. If it's more than sex then I don't know what to tell you. Love is not something I know anything about. Not something I want to know about if you get my meaning."
 
"You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you were right all along. Who needs love? You're much better off avoiding it all together. I wish I would have. I wish I could be more like you. Love sucks."
 
Adam pulled me away from his chest and looked down at me with serious eye. "I don't want to hear you say that. I know you hate him now, but you won't forever. The clouds are going to clear and even if you aren't with Sharpie, you're going to remember the good stuff. There was  a lot of good stuff."
 
"I can't remember it now Adam. I don't want to."
 
"I know you are going to hate me for saying this, but I think the extra time and the counseling sessions will do you both some good. You both have a lot of anger and hurt to get past before you make a final decision. Do you want to end this forever and move on and regret it?"
 
"I'm not going to regret it."
 
"Baby Girl, you might."
 
"I have Duncan now Adam." Adam didn't say anything, and his silence scared me. He always had something to say, some smart comment or joke to make. "He loves me."
 
"Does he?" He asked skeptically.
 
"I believe he does."
 
"How do you feel about him?"
 
"I don't know. I don't trust my feelings so much these days. I let my feelings get the best of me with Patrick. Hell I'm still letting it happen. If you would have seen the way he had me up against the door."
 
"I'm sure I'd rather not." Adam said politely trying to avoid thinking of Patrick and I getting busy anywhere. "But we were talking about Duncan remember."
 
"He's amazing and I care for him very much. I trust him. I do; I trust him completely. Oh and Adam, the things he does to me in bed…"
 
"Whoa!!!! I'm not your girlfriend Lyd. None of that."
 
I leaned up and kissed his blushing cheek. "I'm sorry. I got carried away. I like Duncan. I like him a lot and I want to feel more for him. That's why I need this divorce. I need to move on." I scrunched down on the couch again, laying my head in his lap.
 
"Sharpie's my best friend. You're my best friend too. This is hard for me, I feel like the abandoned child. Like no matter what I'm going to push for my mommy and daddy to reconcile and raise me like a family." He laughed and I laughed, and I was happy I'd chosen to come to him. After our burst of laughter, he looked down at me with very sincere eyes. "But I also want you to be happy Lydie."
 
"Duncan makes me happy."
 
"Not like your Sharpie used to be."
 
I looked up at him. "Adam, I think when I saw those pictures of him and that other woman…Well I think a little piece of me died. The piece that allowed me to be naively happy. I don't think I could have that again. Not with anyone. Even if I was with Patrick, I couldn't feel that happy again. I'd always have doubt. I'd worry when he was on road trips. I'd wonder when I see the puck bunnies calling to him after games. I'd never feel that unquestioned happiness again. Duncan may not give me what Patrick used to, but I'm never getting that back again, and Duncan has one thing that Patrick does not - my trust. I trust him and well, he's everything that Patrick is not. Bottom line, and everyone is going to need to get used to it, I want to be with Duncan."
 
"OK. If Duncan is what you really want, I'll support it. But if you catch me crying in the corner for my mom and dad to get back together, just ignore me." I reached up and punched him in the arm and we both laughter before he added, "I guess it won't be that bad I'll be with you during the week and him every other weekend. Oh and I get presents from both of you on holidays, that's a pretty sweet deal."
 
"You're hopeless," I whispered. The topic seemed settled, and while I didn't believe that he actually did support Duncan and me, I knew he'd try. I spent a couple moments just soaking in the moment, hanging out with Adam. I didn't know I'd miss him so much, and I was pretty surprised that he'd choose me over the hot little number that he sent away. "So who was the babe?"
 
"Who?"
 
"The one you kicked out for me. The mostly naked blond bimbo, huge hooters, no brain."
 
He laughed at my use of the word 'hooters'. "That was Cali. I told you not to worry about that."
 
"I'm not worrying, I'm prying. How did you meet her?"
 
"At a bar. I've seen her there a couple times and she always turned me down. Tonight she was more obliging."
 
"I'm sorry Adam."
 
"If you apologize again I'm going to hold you down and tickle you until you pee in those little panties of yours."
 
I slapped him playfully. "Did you have to bring that up?" He just looked at me with his usual devilish expression. "So maybe we need to find you a woman," I offered, thinking it would be a welcome distraction for me.
 
"You know I love women." He wiggled his eyebrows.
 
"No, I mean someone you can actually talk to, someone with a brain. Beautiful and smart. I actually have someone in mind."
 
"As long as she's horny."
 
"Adam," I said feigning disgust, but laughing at him anyway.
 
"I like being single Lydie. When are you going to get that."
 
"I bet the person I have in mind could teach you at thing or two."
 
"Yeah?" All of a sudden he seemed interested. "I haven't been taught a thing or two for a long time. Too Long!"
 
"You actually know the woman I have in mind. She's beautiful, smart, sexy. I think she could totally handle you."
 
"Tell me more. I can't think of any of your friends…" He paused and I could see the light bulb go off as he figured it out. "No…NO WAY. Not Claire." I nodded. "Uh ugh. No way. She's a fucking pit bull and she hates me."
 
I couldn't argue the pit bull issue. I'd actually heard her referred to as that many times."She doesn't hate you."
 
"She hates me, and she never laughs at my jokes. No Way Lydia. I love you, but I like my women blond, busty and brainless, not brunette, brave and bitchy."
 
"Adam," I whined. "You need a woman that can challenge you. Stand toe to toe with you. Someone who knows how to rope you in."
 
"No."
 
"Ok, fine. I'll let it go, but I still think you'd be great together." And if I had my way, he could protest all he wanted, but it would happen. "It doesn't matter anyway. She has a thing for Patrick Kane."
 
"What? Kaner?"
 
"Yep, she asked me to introduce her. What can I say she likes them young. Says she needs someone young to keep up with her. And you know I hate gossip, but the rumor I hear:" I turned my voice to a whisper like someone might overhear, "she's amazing in bed."
 
"And she wants Kaner? Don't fuck with me Lyd. I thought only sixteen year old virgins wanted Kaner."
 
"Well she's not sixteen and she's certainly not a virgin. Oh, nothing to worry about though, since you're not into her. Right?"
 
"Right."
 
The word itself meant agreement, but the inflection gave me the glimmer of hope I'd wanted to hear. I glimpsed at my watch almost 2AM. I took a deep breath feeling my fun coming to an end. "I should go."
 
Adam was quiet for a moment. "It's so late. Why don't you stay?"
 
"Well, I didn't tell him I'd be back, but something tells me Duncan's waiting for me."
 
"You go upstairs and grab a t-shirt from the drawer. The guest room is only used by my parents and Nik, so it should be all ready for you. I'll call Duncan and let him know you're here. In the morning I'll make you a big breakfast." He lifted my elbow, which I will confess had gotten kind of boney since my marriage had broken up. "You could use some meet on your bones."
 
For some reason, I felt terribly excited about the little sleepover, the idea that I'd have the morning to spend with Adam. I stood up, kissed him on the cheek and headed to bed.
 
**** Duncan's POV
 
Tomorrow was the start of training camp. I had no worries about the start of the season. I was in better shape than I'd been in years. Since I spent all summer in Chicago, I'd gotten to continue working out with the Hawks’ trainers, and I’d gotten some serious workouts other ways too. Lydia was amazing. We were more compatible sexually than I’d been with any other woman. Sex with her was borderline acrobatic and could bring me to my knees. I’d never met a woman that could keep up with me the way Lydie could. I'd spent my entire adult life holding back with woman afraid they couldn't take what I was capable of giving them. Lydie taught me right away that she not only could take it, she wanted it. Everything between us was fantastic, but I was changing. I wanted more that outrageous sex, I wanted Lydia’s heart. I wanted her to look at me the way she used to look at Patrick when she saw him at the airport after a long road trip, or when she comforted him after a big loss. I wanted to make those eyes sparkle. I wanted her to love me.
 
I was becoming that guy, the emotionally attached, pussy whipped fuck. The kind of guy that sat up all night waiting for his girl to come home. I tried to sleep. I tried not to let it bother me that she left me this evening to see her ex and hadn’t come back, called, or even returned my concerned text. Still by 2AM, I sat in my boxers at the edge of my bed, my hands on my knees holding my head and plotting my next move. One part of me told me not to worry about it, to go back to bed. The other part wanted to drive to her apartment and if she wasn’t there, to head to Sharp’s house for a good old fashioned ass kicking.
 
At 2:07 the phone rang, and my heart leapt to my throat, in a combination of relief and anticipation of her whereabouts. I took a deep breath, not wanting her to know I was worried, but when I looked at the caller ID and saw Burs number staring at me, I began to panic. Did something happen to her. I swear to God, I’d kill Sharp if it had.”

“Hello.”
 
“Duncan, it’s Adam.” I was relieved that his voice was calm.
 
“Just wanted to let you know Lydie’s here. She’s gonna stay here tonight.”
 
That was not enough information to me. “What do you mean she’s staying there?” I didn’t hide the irritation I was feeling.
 
“She stopped over to talk, and it’s getting late. I’m making her stay.”
 
“Let me talk to Lyd.” I demanded.
 
“She’s getting ready for bed Keith. Quit your possessive bullshit. You’re lucky I fucking called you.” He didn’t wait for a response, just hung up.
 
“Son of a bitch!” I yelled out loud. I was pissed off, not exactly because she was staying at Adam’s. Her, Sharpie and him were bosom buddies, I didn’t think there was anything going on between her and Adam, but I wanted to know what happened at Sharp’s place. Why did she go to Burs’ house instead of coming here? Why didn’t she call me herself; why the fuck would she have Adam call.
 
Whatever was going on with Lydie, what ever happened tonight with her and Sharpie, it was out of my hands now. I wandered to the bathroom and pulled out one sleeping pill. I decided on one pill instead of the full dose of two pills; I still needed to get up in the morning. The questions and concern filled my head, but sleep came quickly with the help from that little yellow pill. Thank God, I finally got some relief from a very fucked up day.
 
****
 
It was good to be back on the ice with the guys, good to push my body to the limits, good to reconnect with Seabs and Ladder. If I could only have reconnected my fist with Sharpie’s face, today might be a great day. I got through it though, even the part where Q partnered me up with Sharp for drills trying to push our buttons. While I can’t stand the guy and the look of hatred in his eyes assured me that the feeling was mutual, we both seemed to suck it up and got through it. There was no idle chit chat like with the other pairings, there was no teasing or joking around, just hard work, and right now that’s all I wanted.
 
I put off going home where I’d sit around wondering when I’d hear from Lydia. Instead I chose to go for beers with some of the guys. I was thankful no one asked me about the obvious issues Sharpie and I were having. When home couldn’t be avoided any longer, I pulled in to the parking lot at my apartment building and parked next to a red Mini Cooper. Somehow all the pressure that had been sitting on my chest seemed to dissipate and I had a bounce in my step as I made my way up to my apartment, knowing she'd be there waiting for me.
 
Her eyes met mine as I walked through the door, and the excitement that had been cushioning my step was dashed when I noticed the look of nervousness on her face. I tried to ignore it, telling myself it was just my imagination. I brought her up to me in a fiery kiss and was relieved when she gave into it and melted into to me. “I missed you.” I confessed as I released her. “Why didn’t you call me?”
 
“Adam said he would call you. Didn’t he call?”
 
“Yeah he called. What made you stay at his place?”  What I wanted to know is why she reached out to Adam and not me. What happened, what was I missing?
 
“I just needed to talk to him,” she reluctantly answered.
 
I pulled her into my arms. “You can always talk to me. You know that?”
 
She looked up at me, her eyes bigger than usual, like she was bursting at the seams to tell me something. “I know, and that’s very sweet, but Duncan, you have, dare I say, a vested interest. I needed an outsider’s perspective.”
 
I settled down on the couch and pulled her so she sat on my lap. Trying to keep my voice calm. “Don’t you think Burs has a vested interest too. He’s Sharpie’s best friend for God’s sake.”
 
“Don’t be mad Duncan.” Her words were soft and sweet. She put a hand on the side of my face and then put her lips to mine, soothing me. How could I be mad at that?  I pulled her hand from my face and kissed her knuckles, letting her know without words that I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t. Jealous as hell maybe describes it a little better. “We need to talk about what happened last night…with Patrick," she finished and my whole body went rigid. I know she noticed because she tensed up too.
 
“What happened?” I asked already knowing this wasn’t going to be good.
 
She looked nervous again, which made me nervous. “We were talking, well yelling really. I told him what he was doing was crazy, that he was just prolonging the inevitable. That we were going to get a divorce. I even threw a vase at him.” I chuckled for a second, but knew there was more coming, something I wouldn’t like. “Duncan, I don’t know how it happened…”
 
“What?” She started getting tears in her big brown eyes and I wanted to shake her and hold her at the same time. “WHAT Lydie?” She still didn’t answer me. “Oh my God.” I stood up letting her slide off me on to the couch thinking the worst. My hand nervously stroked my hair back off my forehead. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with him Lydia.”
 
“No, No I didn’t. I swear I didn’t.” She was standing beside me now trying to get me to face her.
 
“Tell Me! I deserve that don’t I?” I snapped.
 
“We were yelling and I don’t know what happened the next thing I know we were making out… It just happened Duncan. I never wanted that.”
 
I took a deep breath, turned and faced her. “Why?" I asked harshly.

"Why?"

"Why didn’t you sleep with him?” The answer to this question was really important.I could see her searching for her answer. She looked at the floor, maybe realizing that the truth was the only answer, not that I'd ever know Lydia to lie. I lifted her chin so she'd look me in the eye.

"Patrick pulled away. He wanted to make sure I wanted it before we went any further." That obviously wasn't the answer I'd hoped for. I moved away from her, needing space, toward the window over looking downtown. She didn't let me go that easy and was right next to me in moments. "He asked me to go upstairs with him, so we could make love, but I said no. I said no Duncan. I'm with you and…" She reached out and touched my back, but I jumped away from her. I didn't want to be soothed, not by her, not now. She reached out to me again but I grabbed her hands and held them together out in front of me.

"Don't Lyd. Just don't," I said softly, but not without anger.

"I said no Duncan because I want to be with you." The large tear drops in her eyes started sliding down her cheeks and almost made me give in…almost.

I let go of her figuring she understood now that I just didn't want to, couldn't be, touched right now. Then I asked the question, I really wanted answered. "What if Sharp didn't pull away? Then what?…No wait…Don't answer that." I already knew the answer and I couldn't bare to hear her say it. "You know what I need you to do Lydia?" She looked at me with her big doe eyes filled with tears and I wanted to pull her into her arms and kiss her into oblivion. But I didn't. "I want you to choose. Once and for all. I need you to choose."

"I did Duncan. I did choose." She spoke through her tears.

"I mean a real choice. Not choosing whether to fuck your ex or not." I wasn't loud, but I was mad, and I meant every word. I could tell in her eyes the she got it, that I didn't need to raise my voice, that yelling wasn't necessary. "You need to choose it's him or it's me."

I said what I needed to say and I walked away into my bedroom to the sound of her crying behind me. She called after me, "Duncan." My name passed her lips. I slammed the door behind me out of frustration. It killed me to see her cry, and knowing I could fix it but chose not to tore at my chest like nothing else. I heard the door to the apartment open and close and I knew she was gone…

and I didn't know if she'd be back.

I made a fist and swung, leaving a gaping hole in the wall and my knuckles bloody and sore.

****

It was around 11:30 when my cell phone rang. I'd finally fallen asleep after bandaging my hand and fighting my urge to go to Lydia's and apologize. I scooped up my phone ready to rip the person on the other end a new asshole. It was Adam and I smiled for a second thinking he would have been my second choice of people I'd like to rip a new asshole.

"What do you want Burs?" I asked in my tired angry voice.

"It's Lydia. She's at the ER at Mercy Hospital. Sharpie's on his way. I just thought you should know too."