Tied Up In Knots

 

Bad things happen to good people, it's a fact of life. I was not naive enough to think that that particular cliche would not somehow prove true in my life. I never thought it would be something like this however, something that would make me feel weak and completely vulnerable. I thought I was strong; I was sure that was true, but now with a dose of reality and a hard punch to the face, I know I was completely wrong.
 
I was nothing but a weak little girl.
 
There are much worse violations that occur to women every day, every second of every day, so I'm thankful that it's just my head that aches, that it's just painful bruises and it's just a broken wrist. It could have been so much worse, the effects life long and crippling.
 
The short time Patrick was in my room my emotions had gone haywire. Still in the throws of sleep, I heard him tell me he loved me, that he'd always be here for me and it felt like my happy place. It was the thought that would make me fly if I were a lost boy in Peter Pan. My naive drowsy mind did believe and maybe for a moment I did fly, but it was a fleeting moment. As my vision became clear and reality hit me, I suddenly crashed back to earth. I could feel every one of my bumps and bruises, even the ones on my heart. I think I told him to get out, that he no longer belonged there, but I can't be sure now. I was pretty heavily medicated, but the one thing I won't ever forget was the look on his face when I'd rejected his comfort. His loving smile turned downward, his eyes dulled by hurt. Truth is, I knew how he felt, I'd felt that way every day since I'd received that envelope in the mail. He'd done what I said, he turned and left with tears appearing in the corners of my eyes. Later when I'd explain to Claire how horrible it felt, how empty it left me, seeing his expression, feeling his absence through to my bones, she'd said. "I know you love him Lyd, but you love chocolate too, it doesn't mean it's good for you." And she was right. The hurt Patrick caused me was deeper and hurt worse than any of the physical damage my assailant had gotten away with. Patrick was not good for me and I'd use Claire's chocolate comparison over and over again in my mind to remind me of that fact.
 
Then there was Duncan, my breath of fresh air. When I'd left his apartment, when he'd told me to choose, I was confused. I thought I had. I was getting a divorce, I was with Duncan, the choice had been made. I drove around for hours thinking about what he said, and he was right. I may have been going through the motions of having made a choice, but I hadn't really. I was with Duncan and I'd given him my body, but nothing else. So after the attack, when I saw him there in my room, his blue eyes clouded in worry and guilt, I felt overwhelmed, and whispered what I should have yelled at him earlier that day. "I choose you Duncan."
 
Duncan looked as exhausted as I felt, and I begged him to go home so he could get some rest, his season would be starting in two nights. "I'm not leaving you," he had said forcefully leaving no room for disagreement. So I painfully moved over to the edge of the bed and left him no room for argument. Once he crawled in and held me tightly, my whole body relaxed into him, I felt safe and loved and I drifted into a good deep sleep (that was interrupted regularly by the nurse checking my vitals).
 
"Mrs. Sharp," a man's voice cut through the small private room. I felt Duncan's arms tighten around me, as I drifted back into unconscious. "Mrs. Sharp, I'm Dr. Kehoe. I need you and your friend to wake up for me."
 
My eyes opened, still groggy as I tried to focus on the white cloaked doctor. Coming into consciousness made me acutely aware of every bump and bruise on my body. I moaned out and nudged Duncan, who still held me tightly. “Duncan, Duncan the doctor is here.”
 
His eyes opened and he leapt from the bed as though he was a teenager caught in a compromising position.  “Ah sorry.” He ran his hand through his hair attempting to smooth the curls. “Doctor,” he said extending his hand. “Duncan Keith.”
 
“I know who you are Mr. Keith. It’s hard to be a hockey fan in Chicago and not know who you are.” Duncan face glowed with pride as the doctor continued. “I’m Doctor Kehoe, I was working the ER when Mrs. Sharp was brought in last evening. Is it OK to speak freely Mrs. Sharp?”
 
I could see Duncan cringe both times I was referred to as Mrs. Sharp. “Please call me Lydia, and yes anything you have to say, I’d want Duncan to hear.” Duncan gave me an adoring look that sent a shudder to my heart. He was all man, everything about him, yet little things seemed to mean so much to him.
 
“Very well then. Lydia as you probably already know your body has sustained a great deal of trauma from your attack. You have a broken wrist, major bruising and a mild concussion. You’ll return to my office six weeks and we’ll see what we can do about removing that cast. What I’m most worried about is your head trauma. You’re going to have a headache for a few days, but it should get progressively better. If you find that’s not the case you need to call me.” He reached into his pocket for a card and handed it to Duncan. “I don’t want you to be alone for a couple days. You should have someone with you at all times. Do you have someplace to go Lydia?”
 
“She’ll be with me.” Duncan answered for me before I had the opportunity to speak. “I’ll be taking care of her.”
 
“Excellent.” Dr. Kehoe gave Duncan a pleasant smile and walked over to my bedside. “As long as your vitals are good when the nurse comes in, you’ll be able go home. She’ll give you instructions on what to watch for with the concussion and I’ll write you a prescription for pain meds.” He paused for a moment. “There is one other thing Lydia…When someone goes through an ordeal like this, there is often some physiological trauma involved. Don’t be too proud to admit that you need help if that happens to you.”
 
“Thank you doctor. I will ask for help if I need it, but something tells me I have all the help I need right here.”  Duncan flashed me a smile, his eyes seemed to sparkle, and I couldn’t help but see how wonderful things could be if I just opened up to him, included him in my life. I’d made the right decision. I was sure of it.
 
 ****
 
“Diet Pepsi. I’ll just take the can.” I called to him when he asked me if I’d like a drink. He returned moments later with my soda poured over a glass of ice and a tray of grapes and assorted cheeses. He sat under my knees and sweetly fed me small hunks of cheese and grapes. That’s how things had gone since I’d been released from the hospital the day before. Duncan covered all bases making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed. I tried to argue with him, that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but in typical Duncan fashion he didn’t really even allow me to make my argument. After everything that happened, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t relish the way he was behaving toward me. He made me feel safe and loved. Duncan was just what I needed.
 
“I’m gonna have to head to practice in a few. I talked to Claire and she’s dying to see you anyway. She’s coming over to stay with you while I’m gone.”
 
“You called Claire? You didn’t have to do that. I’d be fine by myself for a couple of hours.”
 
“That’s not what the doctor said.” Duncan leaned down and placed a soft loving kiss on my lips. As he went to pull away I grabbed the sides of his face and held him there, kissing him more passionately.” 
 
“Don’t start what you can’t finish gorgeous,” he said with a wink. “Kisses like that are not good for either of us right now.”
 
“Yeah? I thought they were real good for us Duncan,” I flirted back.
 
“I said I would take care of you, and something tells me the doctor would not want you fornicating so soon after what happened.”
 
“Fornicating Duncan? Is that what we do?”
 
“Stop flirting with me. It’s not going to work.”
 
I batted my eyelashes at him. “Are you sure? How about if I beg? Will that work?”
 
Duncan stood up then knelt beside the couch, and placed his lips on mine. “There’s nothing I want more than to strip you naked and have you right here.” He kissed me again. “But it’s not going to happen until you’re better. And don’t even try to tell me you aren’t sore, or that your head doesn’t hurt. I know better.”
 
“I’ve been shot down, rejected. Is it the bruising? I know a woman with a black eye isn’t terribly attractive, but what I lack in elegance these days, I make up in skill.”
 
Duncan laughed. “You better stop teasing me Lyd. You’re playing with fire here, and as for you being attractive…” He leaned down and kissed me, long and hard, a kiss so good it made my cheeks red and my body flush all over. “Well you’re always beautiful. Now I have to take a cold shower before practice. Thanks for that.” He got up and started walking away.
 
“You’re welcome,” I called over my shoulder as the door bell rang.
 
I watched him reposition his pants trying to hide his excitement, but it was hard to hide what Duncan had in his pants.  As he opened the door he kept his bottom half positioned around the back of the door.
 
Claire, who was standing outside of the apartment, was way to versed in the ways of the world for that little trick. “What’s going on in here that she has you so excited?” she asked Duncan as she walked past him with a smirk and toward me.
 
Duncan blushed, and I answered for him. “He turned me down Claire.”
 
She planted a kiss on my cheek before she replied. “Something tells me if it weren’t for your condition, our friend Mr. Keith would be rocking your world doll. You need to stop teasing him.”
 
“My words exactly, now I’m going to shower.” Duncan turned and unceremoniously left the room.
 
Claire sat in the chair next to the couch. “Oh My Gawd!” she said as Duncan was out of ear shot, then giggled like a school girl. "You never told me about that!"
 
I couldn't help but blush knowing exactly what she was talking about. "I didn't?"
 
"Believe me Lyd, if you would have told me about that, I would remember. Holy crap, you are one lucky girl." Claire held her hands  apart giving a guess at his size. I immediately moved her hands further apart and watched her eyes widen as her hands did. "Damn! You are a very lucky girl. I am never going to look at Duncan Keith the same way."
 
I couldn't help but smile agreeing that I was indeed a very lucky girl, and not just because of the size of his package. "I hear you've had your own action going on."
 
"Then you heard wrong, because you haven't introduced me to that little spitfire, Patrick Kane, yet." I rolled my eyes at her and she added, "I bet that kid can go at it all night."
 
"I wasn't talking about Patty, Claire. What went down between you and Adam at the hospital?"
 
"Pft! He wishes something went down. He has shit for brains. He's a complete and total idiot."
 
"He's a good guy," I defended.
 
"He's a goon. He thinks he can push people around. I cannot be pushed around."
 
"Not unless you're being pushed against the wall with your skirt hiked around your waist.  I know you Claire, that type of pushing is perfectly acceptable. And something tells me that Adam would be really good at that type of pushing."
 
"I can't think about it Lydie. I don't want to think about it. I want a man with a brain. Adam clearly has no brain."
 
"I think you underestimate him."
 
"He's a repulsive bastard and short of being tied up and blindfolded, I wouldn't give him the time of day."
 
"You know, I think he could arrange that, the tied up and blindfolded thing."
 
Duncan stopped and kissed me sweetly on his way out to practice, whispering that he wanted to talk to me about something when he got back. His eyes were all bright and if he didn't look so happy when he'd said it, I would have been worried. Part of me wanted to grab on to him and beg him to stay with me. It wasn't until he was ready to leave that I realized how vulnerable the attack had made me feel. No matter how much I wanted to cling to him, I'm not that girl and I let him leave without begging, like I wanted to.
 
Claire was the perfect solution to my new angst. She poured herself a glass of wine and settled in for the afternoon. She kept my spirits high, sharing stories from the office, telling dirty jokes and obsessing over the size of Duncan's package. At four, she got up to get my meds, just like Duncan had asked, and the doorbell rang.
 
"Expecting anyone?" she asked.
 
"Just Duncan, but he's not likely to ring his own bell."
 
"He doesn't have to ring his own bell, that's what he has you for." she teased over her shoulder as she made her way to the door. The door opened wide; standing there was one of my favorite people in the world, but clearly not one of Claire’s. "Fucking great! We don't want whatever it is you're selling," Claire said walking away without inviting him in.
 
"Adam." I squealed.
 
"Hey baby girl," he replied, but his eyes weren't on me. Instead they were clearly focused on Claire's backside as she walked away to get my meds.
 
Turns out I wasn't the only one that noticed his focus on her rear end. "In your dreams big boy," she scolded.
 
"You got that right. I am a big boy."
 
I couldn't help but giggle, witnessing what Duncan had tried to explain about their time together at the hospital.
 
"Big? You've got nothing on Duncs." She handed me a glass of water and my pain medication.
 
"How do you know how big Duncan is?” Adam inquired.
 
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she replied. She grabbed her purse, signaling her departure then leaned down and planted a kiss on my lips, lingering there for a second.  I giggled at her reading her mind. “Bye lover. I’ll call you later. Send Duncan my love.” She winked at me, then scowled at Adam as she walked past him and unceremoniously.
 
“No fucking way. Uh uh…You and Claire and Duncan? No fucking way,” he said sitting down in the seat once held by Claire.
 
“Relax Adam, she’s just trying to get you riled up. She’s yanking your chain.”
 
“You have no idea how badly she’s yanking it Lyd.” He dragged his hands across his face as if trying to recover from his dirty thoughts.
 
“You have a little thing for Claire don’t you honey?” I asked using my best baby voice.
 
“NO! It’s not a thing. I mean I’d fuck her. I’d fuck her into the middle of next week if given the chance, and I bet I’d end up there with her. I’ll bet she’s great at it, fucking. I’d bet she’s amazing.”
 
“I have no first hand information for you Adam, but rumor has it, she could teach you a thing or two.”
 
He got an evil smirk. “Are you sure you three didn’t…”
 
I laughed so hard it made my head hurt. “I’m sure. Something tells me if I had sex with Claire, I’d remember it. Besides it wasn’t that long ago that she was accusing you of the same thing.”
 
“Me?”
 
“Yeah, she thought you, Patrick and I had something going on. Cuz we were always together.”
 
“Jeezuz!” He looked appalled. “Me and Patrick?  Me and another guy?”
 
“And me. Don’t look so disgusted.”
 
He let out a laugh, getting over his initial shock. “Your are the woman of my dreams, too damn  bad Sharpie called dibs first. As soon as you’re ready to admit you want me, I’ll be here waiting baby girl,” he said with a wink, “but all these men in your life stay out of it.”
 
I laughed at him, appreciating the joke, the same joke he’d made the whole time I was with Patrick. Telling my husband that I was going to leave him for Adam. “I think Claire is more your speed Adam. You should ask her out.”
 
“HA. As if.  I do that and I’m likely to end up with a with my balls cut off. That woman is evil.”
 
“Evil Adam? Really? I saw the way you were looking at her.”
 
“Never mind that. No more Claire talk the woman is an inferno and I’ll be damned if I’m willing rush into a burning building.  Besides she’s not the reason I came over here.”
 
“You came because you love me. Cuz I’m your best friend and you missed me.”
 
“Yeah that and Sharpie asked me to come.”
 
That’s all I needed to hear. I’d made my decision and I wasn’t’ going to play with Duncan anymore. That meant, Patrick needed to have no part of my life, and that included sending our shared best friend with messages for me. “No! I don’t want to hear it. Whatever he told you to say, just keep it to yourself.”
 
“It’s not what you’re thinking. He got stopped by the media on his way out of practice. I suspect Duncs did too, that’s why he’s not back yet. They know about the divorce.”
 
My heart dropped in my chest. I knew it had to happen; they were bound to find out sooner or later, I was just hoping it would be later. “How bad was it Adam?”
 
“Pretty bad. They know about Duncs too. I’m not going to sugar coat it Lydia. They were bashing you pretty bad. Turning things around, making it look like you and Duncan had something going on behind Sharpie’s back. Patrick was furious. He was headed to the PR office when I saw him, and he asked me to come here and fill you in. He didn’t want you to be blindsided.”
 
There were tears in my eyes before I even felt the sting. “He didn’t set them straight? He did this Adam. He did it, not me. I would still be with him; I would have been with him for the rest of my life. Why didn’t he tell them it wasn’t true.”
 
“Look, I didn’t hear the interview, just got bits and pieces. But really, what was he going to say?”
 
“The truth!”
 
“Like what? I fucked some stupid bitch and screwed up my marriage." He could tell by the look on my face, that that was exactly what I wanted him to say, so he added, "The PR department would have killed him.”
 
“Maybe he deserves to be killed, and maybe I deserve the truth Adam.”
 
He knelt beside me and scooped me up into his strong arms, holding me tightly until my sobs subsided. “No crying baby girl,” he cooed.
 
After a few moments of crying and feeling incredibly stupid, I got a handle on my emotions. “I’m Ok. It’s fine. I guess I just never thought about the media and how it would look, me being with Duncan. But Adam I will not forgive him for letting people think this is my fault. I can’t forgive him for that.”
 
I felt his heavy sigh against my body, and I felt terrible that he was stuck in the middle of my drama with Patrick. “He’d never hurt you on purpose. He loves you Lyd.”

"He's a selfish bastard," I proclaimed, maybe louder than I wanted to. Duncan came through the door just as I'd said it.
 
 "Who's a selfish bastard?" he asked, then scowled a bit at Adam who's arms I was laying in, acknowledging him less than pleasantly with a simple, "Burs."

Duncan's question went unanswered, as Adam kissed me softly on the forehead and stood up. "Don't jump to conclusions Lyd. I love you, and I'll be back to see you soon." He walked toward the door, and turned to Duncan. "You better take care of her."

"You don't have to worry about that." Duncan replied snidely, as Adam turned and left the apartment through the door Duncan was still holding open.
 
****

Duncan greeted me with a soft sweet brush of his lips on mine. "I missed you," he whispered sweetly. "Tell me what's going on Lyd. Why you so upset?" Duncan took Adam's place holding me.

"Did you have a run in with the press Duncan? I know Patrick did. He sent Adam to tell me."

He looked at me like he could see into my soul and took his time answering the question. "Lydia, the press is the last thing you need to worry about."

"So that's a yes?"

"Yes," he confirmed what I already knew, but then finally gave me the information I was really looking for. "They ambushed me as I left the UC, and yes they asked me about you. I'd like to tell you they were nice about it, but they weren't. I tried to set them straight, but I'm not sure it did any good."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was having second thoughts. Why would he want to be with me, he could choose any woman, women who didn't cause the press to go crazy, women who didn't have a husband to contend with. "I'm sorry Duncan," I said sheepishly.

"Lyd, You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm going to take care of all this media garbage. I'm gonna make this OK for you." He stroked my smooth black hair and tucked it behind my ear, before bringing my lips to his in a kiss that convinced me he was telling the truth. He would protect me. "Mmm, that was nice," he cooed his lips still brushing mine, before pulled away and looked serious.

"What Duncan? What's wrong?" Panic gripped me again.

He looked deep into my eyes, and wore a small smirk, taking his time before he answered. "You need to relax. I told you earlier I wanted to talk to you. I want to ask you something, and I'll be honest, I'm pretty nervous about it," and I could see from the look in his eyes, he was really nervous. He ran his hand through his chin length hair, another sign of his apprehension.

"Duncan, what? I've never seen you nervous before. Please tell me what's going on."

"I want to take care of you Lyd."

"You are, and I appreciate everything you've done for me. I don't understand what's going on."

"I always want to take care of you, not just now that you're hurt. I always want you here. I want to come home to you when I come back from road trips. I want you to be here waiting for me."

"What are you saying Duncan?"

"Move in with me. Not just for now, but permanently. I don't want you living at in that townhouse. It's not safe." He closed his eyes for a second giving what he said more thought. "I do want to keep you safe, but I really just want you here. I want you in my bed, and I want you to live with me. What do you say?"

The decision should have taken me more time. But I had nothing stopping me? The one man that may have kept me from saying yes, betrayed me yet again. My decision was clear, and looking into his baby blues, I gave him my simple one word answer. "YES."