If I stay

Jordan looked at me as if I had popped a beard or grown a third foot in the span of a few seconds. As my words penetrated his ears, I became a whole new person in his eyes. I became someone who was so desperate that she would demean herself and lie and, in a last ditch attempt, someone who would put others’ futures and lives on the line to satisfy her own selfish desires.
In the span of a few seconds, Jordan looked at me as if I was crazy. In the span of a few seconds, I started to believe that maybe he was right.
“Oh, Sweetie, come here.” Jordan sighed, pulling me into his strong arms and rocked me as I cried.
I knew that it would never work. I couldn’t lie so outrageously and expect someone to take it as truth. It simply wouldn’t work. So as my body was being swayed back and forth, my mind spun along a dizzy track.
This wouldn’t fix anything. Everybody here knew that Ash wasn’t mine and Kenzi was so excited about us going that she would stop at nothing. There was only one thing I could do and I had to do it well.
Brian wouldn’t like me. He wouldn’t want me if I acted like everything I’m not. If I acted like everything he hates. He wouldn’t even consider taking me home if I was everything I never wanted to be. The rest would be easy. Darcy was never warm to new people. She hid behind my legs at the simple sound of someone knocking on the oaken door that guarded us from the severity of the outside world. Ashlynn didn’t speak to anyone but Darcy, Jordan, Morgan and me and I hoped she would be quiet when the time arose.
If I could only convince him that he didn’t want me, that he didn’t want us, then all we’d have to do is wait three short years and then I could take them and we could live. I could go to college and be a mother to my sisters. I could care for them as well as go to school and get a degree. I could do it. All I needed was the chance.
I slowly stopped crying and lifted my face to look at Jordan. He smiled encouragingly and continued to rock me back and forth as if that could somehow save us.
After a few minutes, I decided to be strong. It had been ingrained in me since Khrysty was born and increased in importance when Ashlynn had come along. I had to be strong for my sisters. I had to because if I wasn’t, no one would be.
I got up and reapplied my makeup in the style that Morgan had demonstrated earlier. I tugged on my skirt and battled with my shirt, trying to stretch it in two different directions. When I pulled it down to cover my bellybutton, my boobs popped out way past modest standards. When it covered me fully, my slightly toned tummy made a not so stunning appearance. I finally decided to cover my boobs, sliding my bellybutton piercing into place.
“Mommy! Mommy, Brian is here!” Darcy came stumbling into the room, tripping over her laces in her hurry to reach me. She quickly pulled herself up onto the bed and crawled into my arms. “Mommy, Brian is here. Do I have to say hi to him? Do I have to see him? Mommy I don’t want to!” Small tears slid their way down her face as Darcy contemplated the arrival of our father. I could tell that she was slightly excited but the overwhelming emotion splayed across her face was fear and sadness. Darcy wanted a home. She wanted a family. Just not this one.
“Yes, baby. Yes you have to see him. No you don’t have to talk to him. I’ll give you a piggyback ride, okay? You can just stay on my back while I hold Rosie in her pouch. Don’t worry, baby. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.” I cooed to her, slowly rocking us back and forth just as Jordan had done to me a few minutes before. I shushed her as she cried, turning to look at Jordan. I cocked my head at his bewildered expression and questioned him with my eyes.
“She calls you Mommy?” He mouthed, confusion written across his facial features.
I shrugged, not really knowing what had compelled Darcy to start calling me Mommy. It was odd but I couldn’t say I didn’t like it. I had always been a mother to my sisters and in the past few weeks, I had come to see Darcy that way too. I liked the fact that she loved me enough to call me Mommy when she had never really known what one was.
“Come on, baby.” I kissed my thumbs and wiped away her tears, smiling as she let out a watery giggle. Climbing onto my back, she slapped my butt and smiled. “Giddyup!” I did as told, pulling myself from the bed and shooting one last look at Jordan.
I smiled and laughed as Darcy told me about her dream in the way only a four year old can. Her arms were tight around my neck as I wobbled my way down the stairs, trying to balance on my four inch spike heels with Darcy on my back and Ash in her carrier on my front.
I finally made it to the front hall, carefully tugging my skirt down as I kept a tight grip on Darcy, trying to make sure she didn’t wiggle her way out of my arms as she animatedly described not only her dream, but the My Little Pony movie she had seen the day before.
I smiled and nodded, standing in the hall at the foot of the stairs as I turned my head so that I could see her as she giggled and made wild arm movements, trying to demonstrate how the horses had run and what they had sounded like. I was so engrossed in her story that I didn’t notice Jordan until he cleared his throat.
“Umm… Adds?” I felt him come up to me and take one of my hands.
“Yeah?” I didn’t bother turning my head to see what he wanted, keeping my eyes focused on the naïve smile that was currently gracing Darcy’s face.
“Addie… Addisyn!” I turned my head sharply and threw him a soft glare.
“Yes, Jordan?” He gave a slight cough before slightly turning his head.
Confusedly, I slipped on a fake smile and pivoted on one of my heels. There, in front of me, stood all five members of Avenged Sevenfold. Shit.
“Oh.” I snapped, “It’s you.” As snottily as I could, I leaned on one four inch spike and turned quickly, flicking my hair over my shoulder and making sure to sway my scantily clad hips as much as physically possible as I made my way to one of the living rooms. I heard them all whispering things before Jordan told them to follow me, muttering about how stupid they are just loud enough for them to hear.
We were all situated, Ashlynn on my lap and Darcy on Jordan’s on one couch while my father and his four friends smooshed together on the other. I studied them all carefully. They all seemed older, more mature, different then the last time I had seen them in concert, which had only been about four months ago. I felt their eyes travel up and down my not so covered body.
“Yo- you’re my daughter. You’re my daughter.” Brian looked at me with an open mouth, eyes wide and hands shaking as he tightly clenched them in white fists. “You’re my daughter.” I could see them all examining me more closely now, noting the slightly snubbed nose and high cheek bones, eyes landing on my black eyebrows, proof that Barbie blonde was simply masking the charcoal hair I had been born with.
“Ummm… Duh.” I smacked my gum and looked at him as if he was stupid, giving him the once over and disgustedly flicking my hair over my shoulder.
“I-is she my daughter too?” Brian pointed at the small child in my arms, his hand quivering on his outstretched arm.
“Hah, you wish. No, this is Ashlynn, my sister. Your other daughter is Darcy.” At the mention of her name, Darcy sprung out of her seat and rushed to sit as close to me as possible, tucking her head under my arm that was pulling her close while the other was busy with Ashlynn. She gave a shy smile before turning her face into my side.
“This is your daughter. Darcy, say hi to Brian.” The small girl stuck her hand out and quickly waved before tucking it back where it had been before.
“Fia, say hi, a real hi. I know you don’t like new people but this jackass is our father.” I nudged her side gently before turning a burning gaze to the men in front of me. Slowly, Darcy untucked her body, quickly turning her head and uttering a “Hi” before turning back and curling herself into me once more.
“Jordan,” I turned to the boy next to me, tilting my head to the side before going on with my request, “can you please take Rosie and Fia to go play outside? I have business here that they don’t need to witness.” I looked at him innocently, smiling slightly.
“Ummm… okay.” Slowly, Jordan reached for Ashlynn as Darcy climbed onto his back. “Come on, sweet hearts, momma has some things she needs to do with Brian and his friends.” Jordan got up and stopped before he got to the door, turning around so Darcy and Ash could both see me.
“Come out and play with us soon, okay Mommy? When Brian leaves? Come play with us.” Darcy looked at me pleadingly as Ash started to speak.
“Yeah mommy! Come play wid us! Come make saynd castles in da saynd box! Come on, mommy! Come on!” Ash smiled happily at me, oblivious to the tense atmosphere.
“Okay, babies. I’ll be there. I’ll be finished soon and then I’ll come play with you. I love you. Be good for Jordan.” I quickly showed my soft side before jamming it away, wanting to seem like a cold-hearted bitch in front of my father and his friends.
“I love you!” they both chimed as Jordan headed out the door.
“Now,” I said, turning to the men on the couch, “let me be frank. I do not want to go with you. Darcy does not want to go with you. I will not leave Ashlynn here. I have Jordan and I have Morgan and Kenz and though I may not really Like being here, I am not leaving. I have two and a half years. Then I’m off to college. Then my account becomes available. I will be able to care for myself and my sisters just as I’ve done my whole life. I don’t matter anymore. I never did. All the counts is what happens to my sisters and Ashlynn growing up here without Darcy or me is not going to happen. She’s not going to live that life. I already lost Khrysty. She has already been taken from me. It’s not going to happen again. You’re not going to separate us.” I gave them with my most intimidating look, trying not to show any of the weakness that was cracking my armor little by little.
“Bu-“ Jimmy looked at me as he started to protest.
“No. But nothing. If you so much as try to sign those papers or even See them, I will make your life a living hell. I will be everything you never wanted and I will always be there, making your worst nightmares become my happy reality.” I smirked, daring them to disagree or even question me.
“Bu-“ This time, Matt tried to get a word in edgewise.
“No! No. You don’t get a say. You don’t have a choice. This is My life. This is our life. You didn’t want me! You never did! I know Mom was a whore. I know she cheated. I know how she was. But I also know that she told you. My mother may have been many things but she would never hide this from you. She would never hide me from you. She was eighteen when she had me. She would have wanted help. She would have wanted you. But now she’s dead and we’ll never know. Now she’s dead. Right now, my mother is dead. The man I grew up thinking was my father is dead. My sister has been adopted. I’ll probably never see her again. My family is so fucking broken that if you try to take us now, if you try to smash us just a little bit more, I will make sure that your life is worse then hell. I’ll make sure that your life, is exactly like mine.” I finished my speech and looked at them once more, taking in each heavily tattooed men that I had idolized since I was ten years old.
“Bu-“ This time, Zacky stood up to the plate.
“No! Listen!” I tried to get them to listen, to get it through their heads that they couldn’t budge me.
“No. You listen. I know you’ve been through a lot. I read the fucking file. I know, kid. Now you need to shut the fuck up and listen. Now it’s your turn. We’ve heard everything you had to say and now you need to listen to us. Now you need to listen to me.
I was never planning to take you away from your sister. I would never dream of it. I don’t break up families. I wouldn’t do that to you. I know you think I’m this big bad guy. I know you think your mother told me about you. I know what’s going through your head. But it’s not right. Yes, Layla was everything you said she was. She’s everything you said she is. But she never told me about you. She just up and left one day. No one ever knew where she went. She didn’t leave a letter. She didn’t call. She didn’t email. She didn’t anything. Now I know you want to see me as the bad guy. I know you need somebody to blame. But please don’t take that out on me. Please don’t ruin the relationship we could have. Please.
I’m not asking you to jump into my arms. I’m not asking you for anything but to give this a chance. I want to be there for you. I want to be there for all of you, Ashlynn included. I want us to be a family. I know it won’t be easy ‘cause hell, nothing is. But I want to try. I want you to try.” Brian looked at me intensely as tears that I tried so hard to contain leaked from my shining blue eyes.
“You want to bring Ashlynn with us?” I questioned quietly.
“Yes. Yes I want Ashlynn. I want all three of you.” I looked at him again, studying his face for any sign that he was lying. When I came up with nothing, I looked at him once again.
“Okay. Okay, we can try. I can see that this is what’s best for my sisters. This is what’s best for them, so I’m going to do it. I can see that you want to care about us so I’m going to let you. We’ll go with you, Brian. We’ll go live with you. We’ll try to be a family. We’ll try.” I looked at him with tears in my eyes, nodding slowly and working to keep the sobs locked in my body.