If I stay

“Lilah! Lilah, Kenzi wants you. You gotta get up Lilah.” Darcy shook me awake for the first time in a while. I usually made a point to get up before Darcy so that I could feed Ash and get ready for the day but today was different. My escapade from last night had left me in a tizzy, unable to get to sleep until around three in the morning. My mind was filled with the events of the day, Kenz’s mandatory miscalculations, and unappealing alternatives. My mind was in disarray, random things coming to the forefront as I tried desperately to suppress the things that were adding to the growing pile of panic.
The day passed quickly, full of Kenz’s plans for Darcy and I and many unreassuring statements that sent me nearly over the edge. So that night, for the first time in two weeks, I tried something new. For the first time in two weeks, I tried to make it all go away. For the first time in two weeks, I knew how to make myself feel better.
That night, I grabbed a razor and made a slit in my pasty wrist. That night, after everything that had happened, I felt real, alive, awake, and I knew that the last two weeks hadn’t been a dream. I knew because I could feel the sting of the blade and the warm sticky blood. I knew because I could I could see the bright red substance escaping from my body. I knew because the slight pain in my wrist was there in each beat of my heart and I could feel and I could be and I could know.
The little silver bade in my hand became something at that moment. It became more then I could even think to describe or know how to put into words. The small, sharp blade became my best friend, my single confidant, my stress ball and my pain eraser. It reassured me that I was alive and that I was here and that all the numbing pain in the world that tried to suffocate my feelings could never make me loose myself. It reassured me that I was always here, in myself, and that I could still be here, could still be me and that nothing that had happened or was going to happen could take that away from me. But most of all, it reassured me that this numb feeling that had spread from my heart the moment I had heard those final words, the freezing sadness that had kept me immobile, the thoughts that raced through my head like anesthesia, couldn’t keep me down or silent. I was here. I was alive. And I was more then just what had happened or what was bound to.
That morning, I woke up before anyone else. I quickly bandaged my wrist, three skinny cuts lined up like tally marks covered in burgundy scabs and snow white gauze. Peacock purple wristbands followed the dressing and covered it with not even the trace of a hint that something slightly sinister lay beneath. As I dressed in destroyed black skinnies and a red V-neck, Darcy rolled over in our bed and sleepily rubbed her eyes.
“Hey Fia, did you sleep okay baby?” I walked over to her, sat down beside her and kissed her forehead, running my hands through her hair soothingly.
“Lilah?” She asked, digging her head further into my hand as she looked up at me pleadingly. “Is our Daddy coming today?” Her small, heart shaped face looked up at me with sadness and delight battling it for dominance over her expression. She was scared to finally meet her father but excited that she had a family.
Brian Haner and, no doubt, the rest of Avenged Sevenfold was coming today. They were set to arrive at noon and I was determined to make them wish that they had never come at all. (a/n yes, I do totally recognized the innuendo there. It was intended.) I was going to make myself into something they would hate. Something they wouldn’t want to touch with a thirty foot pole. I was going to make myself into a prep.
After sending Darcy to go play with Jordan, I quickly curled my hair into large luscious spirals, pinning the front part back on the side of my head and adding one of Ashlynn’s pink ribbons as a headband, neatly tied in a bow that resided slightly to the side of my head and accentuating my overly done side part. I took out all my piercings except for the two bottom ones in my ears but replaced the lightening bolts with a pair of Darcy’s butterflies. For the clothing, though, I would need some help.
I quickly walked down the hall, and turned to knock on a plain white door that had pink embellishments and a white board that politely requested that you leave a message. It was Morgan’s room.
I quietly knocked, knowing she would be up by now but not wanting to disturb her. I needed to be on her good side. The door opened and I was greeted with Morgan’s overly made up face, her robe covering what was sure to be another cheerleader-esque outfit.
“Oh.” She sneered, dropping the smile once she saw it was me. “What do you want?” She looked me up and down, noting the change of appearance with a raised eyebrow.
“Morgan, I need your help.” I looked at her, making sure she wouldn’t slam the door in my face after just one sentence and continued when I saw the curiosity fill her eyes. “My father is coming today.” I cut her off just as she was about to interrupt and quickly gave an explanation. “Alex wasn’t my dad. Brian Haner is. Anyways, he’s coming today. He wants to take Darcy and I away to California. But he doesn’t want Ashlynn. I can’t leave her here Morgan, I just can’t. So I need help. He and his friends are in the band Avenged Sevenfold. They’re a major rock band so I want to turn into everything that rock people hate. A prep.” I looked at her pleadingly, knowing that Darcy and I leaving would be what she wanted but also knowing that the idea of us living a life of fame and fortune was enough to change her mind.
“I’ll do it.” She pulled me quickly into her room, checking the hall to make sure that no one had seen, and walked to her closet.
“Firstly,” she looked at me with a sneer, “Preps don’t have black hair. I have a couple shades of blonde in my bathroom. You can choose one and we’ll dye your hair. You did a good job with the style though, so we can re do that. I’m assuming you’ll need clothes because all you have are nasty band shirts and those disgusting ripped jeans. You’ll definitely need me to do your makeup because you can’t do it for shit. Eyeliner is a big no-no. Skirts, heels, boob shirts…” She walked into the bathroom muttering to herself about what I would need for my transformation.
I quickly followed her into the bathroom, seeing her holding up a shirt that had numerous dye stains running down the back. Morgan quickly tossed it at me along with a pair of ratty boxer shorts. “Change.” She ordered, turning back to the cabinet she was inspecting. I did as told, stripping my clothes and replacing them with hers.
After that, the dying job was pretty quick. It only took about fifteen minutes and she worked quickly, telling me that I would need as much time as possible to get ready.
It was hard, knowing that the next time I looked in the mirror I wouldn’t look like me. My dark hair had been the only feature I had really prized. Now, in a matter of fifteen minutes, it was gone.
Morgan covered the mirror when she was finished, telling me that she had to blow dry and curl it before I could see the new me. My hair was brushed and dried and curled and styled, pinned and poofed until I knew that I would look nothing like myself once I was finished.
After styling my hair, she layered on thick makeup, caking on the foundation and heavily applying everything but the eyeliner. It was the exact opposite of everything I normally did.
When that was finished, she stuffed me into a micro mini kaki cord skirt that was tight for about four inches then ruffled out for another two. A bright pink ‘boob buster’ shirt now barley covered my chest. And ‘Be My Baby’ was spelled out in rhinestones right across my boobs. My feet were stuck into the highest heels I had ever seen, hot pink patent leather, and my wrists were filled with fake diamonds, my nails painted yet another shade of pink.
When she deemed I was finished, Morgan opened her closet door and stepped aside. My mouth opened in awe as I attempted not to scream. The girl in the mirror was someone totally different. She was always happy or aloof. She thought she was better then everybody else. She knew all the Victoria’s Secret workers by name. The girl in the mirror had tons of fake friends and real enemies. She had fake hair and an even faker personality. The girl in the mirror was everything I wasn’t.
But that was the point, I guess. I needed to look like the total opposite myself. Regular Addisyn wouldn’t be caught dead in these clothes. She wouldn’t know how to put the sparkly decals onto her fingernails. She wouldn’t be able to walk in these shoes. But this was Addi. Addi had tons of friends but was too stupid to realize that they didn’t actually like her. Addi wore nothing but heels and micro minis. Addi was the head cheerleader and was often complimented on her preppy entrence.
So, looking in the mirror, I had no doubt who I had to be for the next few house. I just didn’t know how I was going to be able to be the total opposite of who I was.
After thanking Morgan profusely, I quickly left her room and entered mine. Ashlynn was in her crib, happily sucking away at a bottle I had gotten her before I had left. Darcy was having a tea party with Jordan, sitting at the small table in fluffy boas and floppy hats.
“Hey, Fia. Are you having fun with Jordan, Baby?” I asked, going over to Ashlynn and setting her on my hip. When she didn’t answer, I turned to look at them.
“Darc? You okay, sweetie?” Both of their mouths were open, looking me up and down.
“Lilah? You look pretty, Lilah. Daddy is coming today.” Darcy ran to me, clinging to my legs and looking up at me with an ignorant smile.
“No, no baby. I look like a whore. And yes, Brian is coming. Let’s get you dressed, hmm?” I smiled down at her before going to the closet and picking out one of her pink dresses and princess light up tennis shoes.
As I was putting on Darcy’s shoes, I came up with a lie. A lie that could save us. A lie that would keep us together. A lie. All I needed to do was convince Jordan to back me up.
“Baby, go get some breakfast, okay? Go get Morgan, I know she’ll want to go. Take Rosie with you. Ask Kenzi for some oatmeal with dinosaur eggs. That’s your favorite and Lynn likes it too.” I pushed my sisters out the door before closing and locking it.
“Addisyn. What the fuck?” Jordan had never stopped staring at me confusedly and for my plan to work, he had to help.
“Morgan gave me a makeover. My dad is coming today but he doesn’t want to take Ash.” I explained hurriedly, “His name is Brian Haner. He’s a-“ I was suddenly cut off by Jordan. “I know who he is!” He said looking at me admiringly. “Anyways, he’s a rocker. Rockers hate preps. I am now a prep. He won’t want me. I know it’s flawed logic but it has to work. Something has to work! I’m not tearing my family apart more then has already been done. I can’t and I won’t. I’m not leaving Ash here and Darcy is not leaving without us.” I ranted. “Oh and by the way, will you help me convince them that…Ashlynnismydaughter? Pleaseeeee. If he thinks that she’s mine he won’t be able to separate us. Please. I know it’ll be hard and it probably won’t even work but I need to at least try. I can’t and I won’t leave her here. It’s impossible. I’ve gotta keep us together.”
I spoke so quickly I wasn’t even sure he understood what I said. But at that point, I didn’t care. All that mattered was that my sisters and I could stay together. All that mattered was that I couldn’t loose the last remaining tie to my parents. All that mattered was that my family stay together. All that mattered was us. I didn’t care if I had to loose myself. I didn’t care if I had to become someone else. I didn’t care if I was happy.
I didn’t care what happened to us as long as we stayed together and maybe that was the problem.