If Only Words Could Describe This Feeling

“Dude have you seen that movie? It’s so epic!” Ash said while doing knots with her hair.

“Uh no. And I don’t want to. I mean, they’re blue people, why would you want to be blue giants?” Meena debated, while pulling up the blanket to cover her frozen body. “It’s freaking cold in here. Can you please lower the AC?” she whimpered.

I grabbed the remote that was on the bean bag and sat down on the soft bed watching them in amusement. “No actually blue people are awesome. I mean they also glow in the dark!” I added.

Ash said, “But I have to say, everyone was depressed after seeing the movie in the cinema.”

Me and Meena both looked at her and said, “Why?” at the same time.

“well, you went in the cinema and saw planet Pandora all filled with glow-in-the-dark things and all the cute animals and people, but when they finished and went out from the cinema, we are back to real world; our big old plain world.”

“What? That doesn't even make sense? Seriously Ash, I know this place that can help you with your mental illness…” Meena joked.

Ash rolled her eyes. She grabbed the bag of Nachos and started munching. Ash’s tidy room became a total mess after two straight days of sleepover. Clothes are tucked in behind the couch, soda bottles piled up next to the bin, and pizza boxes scattered on the floor and on her study table.

“But imagine if we swap bodies and become avatars and they become humans, they go to our place and they would be interested too. I mean, they would never have seen calculators,” I said pointing out my calculator.

Ash and Meena turned, and they started laughing hysterically.

“It’s true,” I shrugged.

Suddenly my phone vibrated and the room became silent.

Ash offered her hand, “give me the phone.”

I hesitated but gave it to her anyways without seeing who the message was from. I waited patiently for her to open the message. The mood in the chilly room was as if we were expecting that particular text message, from a particular someone.

Ash’s face hardened as she passed it to Meena. She looked at it briefly but something flickered in her eyes so I snatch the phone from her hand.

Ash yelped in protest of my action but shut her mouth as I looked at her questioningly.

From: Calvin

Hey, what you up to? I have an idea about us not seeing each other again. Text me. X

I look up and see Ash and Meena giving me glares and waiting for me to say something.

The phone fell out of my hands and I felt shaky. Every time I see his name or whenever he says something to me, it stung my heart. It was as if the whole flashback of him not wanting me anymore came back and just kept shooting at me with that painful memory. And every time it does that, I felt my heart is ripped apart all over again, over and over.

“We are not going to order you around. So, you make a decision whether you’re going to ignore him, or reply. We trust that whatever it is that you pick, is good for you.” Ash said carefully.

“And also, it’s because we just want to see you happy. Even though he’s such a bitch to you, well I see it in your eyes; you’re pleased to hear from him.” Meena added.

I felt guilty. Part of me wanted to reply and hear him talk to me again, but the other part of me says that I shouldn't’t be doing this to myself, hurting myself and my friends, when they see me like this.

‘what about Lorna? You said you like her too.’ I text back to his reply.

In a millisecond he replied; ’No, I have been thinking a lot and I think I love you. X’

”Give me that damn phone!” Ash grasps the phone, looking half crazed to know what he replied. “He ‘thinks’ he loves you. God damn it, what the hell Hannah. You have been together for months! And this is what he ‘feels’ about you? He ‘thinks’ he loves you?’” She started yelling, waving of pointing to the phone as if it were him.

“I know! You don’t have to repeat what he said. I know clearly what he said!” I shouted back at her, sobbing at every words and Meena was looking staggered. Tears are slitting down face as I said this.

“Look I’m sorry. You know that I care about you and I don’t want to see you get hurt?- more?” Ash said, and she gave me the phone.

I took it from her and thought what I should say to his message.

‘You ‘think’ you love me.’ I replied, wanting to see what he would say.

How easy it is to hide emotions behind texts. You won’t even know if a person is even laughing, or crying their hearts out when you send someone a text message. I won’t even know what Calvin is looking like right now behind all this texts.

‘I don’t mean that. I know now though I love you Hannah. X’

For all I know he could be laughing at me while sending all this messages.

‘I’m not some piece of clothes that you can wear one day, and when you don’t like how I look you throw me aside, but when you want to wear me again, you simply grab me, without even thinking about how I feel.’ I said to him.

‘I know babe, which is why I have a suggestion about us. What if we still see each other, but we don’t have to put any commitment on it. X’

This time Meena took the phone away from me and started going through our conversation. “Good job. You’re obviously delaying this conversation.”

“Just give me the phone. What did he say?” I took the phone back. I look at it and felt like my heart was about to explode.

I felt angry. “He wants me back.”

‘I’ll give you time until Tuesday to think about it okay?’ he text after long enough waiting for my answer.

“How could he do this? I don’t get it. I’m confused- I- I I’m I don’t know-,” tears are streaming down my cheeks.

Meena took the phone, “I’ll say you will think about it okay?” I shrugged.

Ash pulled me into her embrace and I just let her in as if I was a puppet, controlled by her.

This is exactly how I feel; like a puppet, at least that’s what Calvin think of me, as if I would just except him back and pretend nothing has happened. So he could get his grip on me and have me play his games. As if he controlled me.

I felt another hug on my back and looked to see Meena cuddled in with us. I gave her a tired smile.

I close my eyes as if it could drown away this unexplainable confusing pain.

If only with a blink of an eye could drain our memories; I will do billions of them non-stop.

If only words could explain this feeling; what should I say to him?