A Beautiful Lie
A Beautiful Disaster
He sat in his car outside of the Arby’s near his home; she was inside working. He knew he had no right to be there for her; the context of food was agreat cover story. He kept his hands tense around his steering-wheel and let out a dejected sigh. Counting to ten he let go and opened his door and climbed out. He had to take the twenty-something steps it took to get to the side entrance and walk through the first door. He smoothed his hands down his jacket and headed inside.
His heart was hammering in his chest, palms were sweaty—he hadn’t even made it to the second door yet. He took a deep breath and pulled it opened and scanned behind the counter. His breath caught, her car was outside, had she left while he was walking inside? He heard her laugh and sighed—she was still here. He glanced around and noticed that she was on the backline, making sandwiches with a tall, dark-skinned boy, who at the moment had his arms around her. He blinked rapidly, trying to hide the disappointment and jealousy he was certain was flittering across his face. Her sister was taking his order and he offered her a dejected smile as she stared at him with forced kindness that had nothing to do with her job. He knew the contempt hidden in her eyes was legitimately earned.
He had screwed up—big time. He knew there was no making up for what he had done—there was nothing that would deem him forgivable in her eyes. He listened as her dark-skinned companion muttered things he couldn’t quite make out but had her smiling and laughing—just like he used to. Or so it seemed. He could feel the eyes of the others that worked along side her. He could feel the disapproval they directed at him. His heart was still hammering, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He met her gaze over the counter. He knew in that moment, when their eyes met, that she would never give in. She had made up her mind the moment he finally told her the truth. He gave her a slight nod and she merely turned her back on him, once more letting her dark-skinned companion pull her in for a hug. He watched as he lent down and whispered something in her ear causing her to laugh once again.
He took his bagged order and headed towards the door; not daring to look back over his shoulder to try and capture one last glimpse of her. He heard the word that would destroy him before the door had shut behind him—fag. He closed his eyes, fighting the tears he knew would come. He had given in to one moment of weakness, one moment that ruined the best thing he had ever had. It took him four years and three different girlfriends to find her. He threw it all away for just one hour with him. That one hour spent in the company of another male had cost him everything. Lie after lie he told her; he hid behind his work—he did have a demanding schedule—to avoid seeing her. He couldn’t bring himself to face her—he didn’t deserve her and she didn’t deserve what he had done.
He slumped back into his car, his phone chirping, signaling a missed text message—it was from him. He picked it up and threw it in the back of his car, along with the sandwich he couldn’t eat. He hit his steering-wheel as if it would make everything better—make it all go away. He started his car halfheartedly and buckled up. He would go home, glancing at the clock, his mother would be home, as would his sisters—he’d have to explain the despair present and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t tell them the truth—they had liked her. The first of all the girls he brought home, they actually liked her. And he knew without doubt he couldn’t tell them about him. Another slew of lies that would have to flow from his lips to people he loved.
As he pulled out onto Route 5, he felt everything he had been repressing since the night he finally told her the truth. He knew it was all there, behind the walls he lazily put in place. Ignorance is bliss—he knew that was a lie; a lie he deserved. The guilt, the anger, the disappointment, the hurt, the sorrow, the longing, and mostly, mostly he felt the love he held for her—his first, he’d never be able to forget her. He felt the tendrils that flowed from his heart slowly reaching out for a reciprocate that would never be there again.
His heart was hammering in his chest, palms were sweaty—he hadn’t even made it to the second door yet. He took a deep breath and pulled it opened and scanned behind the counter. His breath caught, her car was outside, had she left while he was walking inside? He heard her laugh and sighed—she was still here. He glanced around and noticed that she was on the backline, making sandwiches with a tall, dark-skinned boy, who at the moment had his arms around her. He blinked rapidly, trying to hide the disappointment and jealousy he was certain was flittering across his face. Her sister was taking his order and he offered her a dejected smile as she stared at him with forced kindness that had nothing to do with her job. He knew the contempt hidden in her eyes was legitimately earned.
He had screwed up—big time. He knew there was no making up for what he had done—there was nothing that would deem him forgivable in her eyes. He listened as her dark-skinned companion muttered things he couldn’t quite make out but had her smiling and laughing—just like he used to. Or so it seemed. He could feel the eyes of the others that worked along side her. He could feel the disapproval they directed at him. His heart was still hammering, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He met her gaze over the counter. He knew in that moment, when their eyes met, that she would never give in. She had made up her mind the moment he finally told her the truth. He gave her a slight nod and she merely turned her back on him, once more letting her dark-skinned companion pull her in for a hug. He watched as he lent down and whispered something in her ear causing her to laugh once again.
He took his bagged order and headed towards the door; not daring to look back over his shoulder to try and capture one last glimpse of her. He heard the word that would destroy him before the door had shut behind him—fag. He closed his eyes, fighting the tears he knew would come. He had given in to one moment of weakness, one moment that ruined the best thing he had ever had. It took him four years and three different girlfriends to find her. He threw it all away for just one hour with him. That one hour spent in the company of another male had cost him everything. Lie after lie he told her; he hid behind his work—he did have a demanding schedule—to avoid seeing her. He couldn’t bring himself to face her—he didn’t deserve her and she didn’t deserve what he had done.
He slumped back into his car, his phone chirping, signaling a missed text message—it was from him. He picked it up and threw it in the back of his car, along with the sandwich he couldn’t eat. He hit his steering-wheel as if it would make everything better—make it all go away. He started his car halfheartedly and buckled up. He would go home, glancing at the clock, his mother would be home, as would his sisters—he’d have to explain the despair present and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t tell them the truth—they had liked her. The first of all the girls he brought home, they actually liked her. And he knew without doubt he couldn’t tell them about him. Another slew of lies that would have to flow from his lips to people he loved.
As he pulled out onto Route 5, he felt everything he had been repressing since the night he finally told her the truth. He knew it was all there, behind the walls he lazily put in place. Ignorance is bliss—he knew that was a lie; a lie he deserved. The guilt, the anger, the disappointment, the hurt, the sorrow, the longing, and mostly, mostly he felt the love he held for her—his first, he’d never be able to forget her. He felt the tendrils that flowed from his heart slowly reaching out for a reciprocate that would never be there again.