The Deeper I Get

I sped down the roads, not caring about where they were taking me, I just need to get out of here. I can barely stand the sight of this God forsaken town. I had so much, and now, it is all gone, I guess I can’t really blame anyone but myself for that. It seems as if I am not the one behind the wheel right now, I am looking down on someone I cannot recognize as myself, someone filled with so much hate and despair. Out of no where I realize where I should go, the cemetary to pay my respects to my mother and sister, it is hard to do, but it is needed. They have been gone for so long now, if only I could get them back, then everything would be right again… What I’d give…

I pulled up onto the driveway and through the cemetary gates, driving along the beaten road to their grave sites. I parked the car, got out and walked to where they were buried.

“Fuck it’s been too damn long…”

I knelt down and read the inscription carved into my mother’s headstone. “Lily Luthan, loving wife, mother, and friend. July 18th, 1970 to March 5th, 2007. You will be greatly missed.” Then my sister’s, “Molly Luthan, loving daughter, sister and friend, September 26th ,1995 to March 5th, 2007. You were stolen from this world all too soon.”

“Damn mom, I’m sorry I’ve messed up so much lately… I know if you were still here you’d have a few things to say to me about what has happened.” I chuckled lightly to myself. “I’d tell you dad was doing alright but then I’d be lying, he has been such a damn wreck since the accident. Some nights when he is drunk I can hear him mutter to himself ‘Maybe if I would have driven a little better, or paid more attention…’ things of that sort, he blames himself for it still even though he knows it was not his fault, just a freak accident. Times like now I really wish you were still here, you would know exactly what to say to help us out right now, nothing has been the same without you. Its sick that you were stolen from this world so soon, it still doesn’t make sense to me and I doubt it ever will.” A tear slid down my cheek. “I wish I could go back and change it all, there are so many things I would do to have you and Molly back, neither of you deserved to go when you did, both of you still had so much of a life to live. I love you so damn much, I always will…” Tears were now streaming down my face. Shakily I turned to Molly’s grave. “Now this is the part I really don’t understand, why a person who was so young, never harmed a soul could be taken so early in life. These are the things that really question if there is a God, why he would take a child from this world is beyond me. I really wish you could have been around longer, so I could have been a good big brother. I could have helped you with school shit and roughed up the boys that you brought home.” A slight smile spread across my lips. “Fuck I really wish I could have you and mom back, now more than ever. Everything would be so much different, none of the shit that had happened lately would have and it would be all right again. I love you both so much…”

Slowly I stood up and started back towards my car, tears still streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. Things like this really make you question faith and God, why he would take the lives of people who have never harmed a soul yet he lets murderers and rapists live. Nothing makes sense.

I put the key into the ignition, turned around on the road and proceeded out of the cemetary, through the tall, iron gates, and turned back onto the road, again, not knowing where it would lead me.