Status: Completed. 1/1
Finding Redemption
Irony is like lemonade
Dear Jake, Friday 13th, 2010
I’d love to be able to open this letter with words like “I hate you” or “You are a complete dickhead.” But, that would be a total plus you’d probably put this letter down right away, or burn it. Jake, I’m not sure if you still know I exist or if after that night I faded into obscurity but I know for a fact that that’s not the case for me; It kills me to know that the only last words I said to you were about how shallow you were, which may in fact be true but it was as much my fault as it was yours.
I can’t leave things the way they are now and I’ve sat on this for a long time, and I decided that this letter needed to be written. Even if you make a fool of me afterwards I’ll sleep much better knowing that I apologized for being a silly school girl and falling for you, you probably feel the same way to because there is no way that you can deny the fact that you did like me, whether that holds true or not I suppose we’ll never know. Jake, how did it feel when Tabby broke up with you? How did it feel, did it tear your heart apart, did you lay in bed at night thinking about what you could have said to her that maybe could have made her change her mind. Do you? I do, every night since then I’ll get these thoughts that creep into my head and they never leave me, I go over ways that I could actually tell you these words in person but I don’t have the guts to talk to you in front of all your friends, I never have probably never will. You’re never alone, you’re the kind of person everyone wants to be friends with and you probably are friends with every single person in the student body, except me right? Since I’m a fake, you don’t like fakes; but Jake I don’t like shallow people either so the feeling is mutual… or at least on the outside it is. Deep down though I still like to imagine that when we see each other in the hallway you are trying to find a way to talk to me, to apologize for everything you said to me. That’s what I do, maybe I just am so disillusioned by you that it looks like you look into my eyes but every time that happens I’m secretly trying to think of something to say to you, just to get your attention for long enough to apologize, even if it’d be the quickest I’m sorry that would do. But I can’t I’m too much of a coward I’m too scared that it’ll make me look even lower in your eyes, that’s the last thing I want; I’m trying to find my redemption whether you end up loving me again or not. Everyone deserves a second chance right? You said it yourself, but does someone deserve a second chance when you’re the one being wronged? Tell me Jake is that how it works? Because if it is, I think I’m owed just a small amount of time just one last chance to explain why I did things the way I did.
Would you believe me if I told you that I never meant for you to like me, I sure hope you would because it’s true I never meant to capture your heart and sweep you away for those short few weeks we had together, that was never my intention I just wanted a swift touch, a quick little taste of the one thing I couldn’t ever have, what was that? A friendship with you, not a relationship a friendship. I guess it’s a silly thing to want when cliques are made for the sole purpose of tearing kids apart because of their clothes or how many friends they have on MySpace, but I suppose there is a reason cliques haven’t ever died out it’s because they are inevitable, purely unintentional but completely at the same time, maybe it’s the way humans are wired, maybe It’s because we see it happen so often that we follow it instinctively, whatever it is though Jake it tore whatever friendship we had apart, it tore everything apart and made us far more distanced that I’d like to be, I hope only hope you feel the same at least in a miniscule amount, I hope to god you do.
Funny thing is, you’ve got me hoping to god remember when we first meant? When I said I was such a skeptic about god and religious things? Well, I guess even skeptics find assurance in thinking there is higher power that can fix everything, because I pray every night sometimes not even knowing it that someday I’ll just get the balls (that I won’t ever get, I mean I’m a girl) to come and talk to you, just blow off your friends pull you aside and say “let’s pick up where we left off” I’d love to do that one day, maybe it’ll be the end of this year we’ll never see each other again and if I seem like a fool it won’t be as bad.
Jake do you remember when I told you about my problems? About how broken my family was and how you said you’d be there for me? Do you remember that night? Remember how I said that it’ll never happen you’ll leave just like everyone else did. Well funny thing is Jake you did. You left me to fend on my own with a torn apart heart, not because I loved you that much but because there were girls who constantly came up to me at school to tell me about how much you were hurt. Jake why couldn’t you just come and fucking tell me that! I would have fixed it then and there, I would have broken down like I am now while writing this, I would have tried to fix it Jake but YOU couldn’t come to me, you made them come to me, I know I hurt you and it killed me. These girls who were only doing it because they “loved” you that much, isn’t the irony of this situation amazing? The girls who think that they love you can do anything for you, they’re your best friends but when I’m true about my intentions I can’t so much as say a word. Irony is a horrible thing, like lemonade in way. It’s bittersweet, at first the bitterness is there just a little bit, the sugar still covers it up but as it slides down your throat you find yourself puckering your lips because the bitterness came and hit you like a truck. Irony is a damnable thing, but it’s everywhere. Do you understand that I broke after you left? I thought you would actually stay, you’d actually be there for me but you weren’t, will you ever be there for me again? Or is this letter all in vain?
I’d like to finish this horrid attempt at an apology with reminding you of a song you wrote. The one about Friday the 13th remember how you said anything could happen? I do, Jake if you’d like go and look at the date on the top of this letter, then come back and read the rest. That’s my last wish for you.
See the date? It’s Friday the 13th, the very day that you said anything could happen. Guess what it is, I’m coming out of the woodwork and apologizing for having fucked up so much. I don’t want a response, but if you’d like to feel free it’ll put my mind at ease knowing I’m still capable of using snail mail properly. “It’s Friday the 13th, anything can happen there’s a full moon outside and the vampires are alive” I remember that Jake, and I always will.
Yours not so dearly,
Alexys
I’d love to be able to open this letter with words like “I hate you” or “You are a complete dickhead.” But, that would be a total plus you’d probably put this letter down right away, or burn it. Jake, I’m not sure if you still know I exist or if after that night I faded into obscurity but I know for a fact that that’s not the case for me; It kills me to know that the only last words I said to you were about how shallow you were, which may in fact be true but it was as much my fault as it was yours.
I can’t leave things the way they are now and I’ve sat on this for a long time, and I decided that this letter needed to be written. Even if you make a fool of me afterwards I’ll sleep much better knowing that I apologized for being a silly school girl and falling for you, you probably feel the same way to because there is no way that you can deny the fact that you did like me, whether that holds true or not I suppose we’ll never know. Jake, how did it feel when Tabby broke up with you? How did it feel, did it tear your heart apart, did you lay in bed at night thinking about what you could have said to her that maybe could have made her change her mind. Do you? I do, every night since then I’ll get these thoughts that creep into my head and they never leave me, I go over ways that I could actually tell you these words in person but I don’t have the guts to talk to you in front of all your friends, I never have probably never will. You’re never alone, you’re the kind of person everyone wants to be friends with and you probably are friends with every single person in the student body, except me right? Since I’m a fake, you don’t like fakes; but Jake I don’t like shallow people either so the feeling is mutual… or at least on the outside it is. Deep down though I still like to imagine that when we see each other in the hallway you are trying to find a way to talk to me, to apologize for everything you said to me. That’s what I do, maybe I just am so disillusioned by you that it looks like you look into my eyes but every time that happens I’m secretly trying to think of something to say to you, just to get your attention for long enough to apologize, even if it’d be the quickest I’m sorry that would do. But I can’t I’m too much of a coward I’m too scared that it’ll make me look even lower in your eyes, that’s the last thing I want; I’m trying to find my redemption whether you end up loving me again or not. Everyone deserves a second chance right? You said it yourself, but does someone deserve a second chance when you’re the one being wronged? Tell me Jake is that how it works? Because if it is, I think I’m owed just a small amount of time just one last chance to explain why I did things the way I did.
Would you believe me if I told you that I never meant for you to like me, I sure hope you would because it’s true I never meant to capture your heart and sweep you away for those short few weeks we had together, that was never my intention I just wanted a swift touch, a quick little taste of the one thing I couldn’t ever have, what was that? A friendship with you, not a relationship a friendship. I guess it’s a silly thing to want when cliques are made for the sole purpose of tearing kids apart because of their clothes or how many friends they have on MySpace, but I suppose there is a reason cliques haven’t ever died out it’s because they are inevitable, purely unintentional but completely at the same time, maybe it’s the way humans are wired, maybe It’s because we see it happen so often that we follow it instinctively, whatever it is though Jake it tore whatever friendship we had apart, it tore everything apart and made us far more distanced that I’d like to be, I hope only hope you feel the same at least in a miniscule amount, I hope to god you do.
Funny thing is, you’ve got me hoping to god remember when we first meant? When I said I was such a skeptic about god and religious things? Well, I guess even skeptics find assurance in thinking there is higher power that can fix everything, because I pray every night sometimes not even knowing it that someday I’ll just get the balls (that I won’t ever get, I mean I’m a girl) to come and talk to you, just blow off your friends pull you aside and say “let’s pick up where we left off” I’d love to do that one day, maybe it’ll be the end of this year we’ll never see each other again and if I seem like a fool it won’t be as bad.
Jake do you remember when I told you about my problems? About how broken my family was and how you said you’d be there for me? Do you remember that night? Remember how I said that it’ll never happen you’ll leave just like everyone else did. Well funny thing is Jake you did. You left me to fend on my own with a torn apart heart, not because I loved you that much but because there were girls who constantly came up to me at school to tell me about how much you were hurt. Jake why couldn’t you just come and fucking tell me that! I would have fixed it then and there, I would have broken down like I am now while writing this, I would have tried to fix it Jake but YOU couldn’t come to me, you made them come to me, I know I hurt you and it killed me. These girls who were only doing it because they “loved” you that much, isn’t the irony of this situation amazing? The girls who think that they love you can do anything for you, they’re your best friends but when I’m true about my intentions I can’t so much as say a word. Irony is a horrible thing, like lemonade in way. It’s bittersweet, at first the bitterness is there just a little bit, the sugar still covers it up but as it slides down your throat you find yourself puckering your lips because the bitterness came and hit you like a truck. Irony is a damnable thing, but it’s everywhere. Do you understand that I broke after you left? I thought you would actually stay, you’d actually be there for me but you weren’t, will you ever be there for me again? Or is this letter all in vain?
I’d like to finish this horrid attempt at an apology with reminding you of a song you wrote. The one about Friday the 13th remember how you said anything could happen? I do, Jake if you’d like go and look at the date on the top of this letter, then come back and read the rest. That’s my last wish for you.
See the date? It’s Friday the 13th, the very day that you said anything could happen. Guess what it is, I’m coming out of the woodwork and apologizing for having fucked up so much. I don’t want a response, but if you’d like to feel free it’ll put my mind at ease knowing I’m still capable of using snail mail properly. “It’s Friday the 13th, anything can happen there’s a full moon outside and the vampires are alive” I remember that Jake, and I always will.
Yours not so dearly,
Alexys
♠ ♠ ♠
These people are all real. This is MY personal experience.