Empty With You

My dad hates me! I can just tell! He sent me to school earlier than the doctor said to, so right now Delilah was driving me into the stupid town to go to a crap little school. Dad had told me that he was currently organizing on getting me my own car. He was bribing me by saying that it was going to be black, expensive and fast. I glared out the window the whole way to the school.
“Well Frank, we’re here,” Delilah informed me.
I didn’t say anything and got out of the car.
“Have a good day,” she said before driving away.
I walked towards the smallish building and ignored all the stares that I got. Obviously everyone could tell who I was and they knew about why I was here…that sucks. Someone was probably going to try and beat me up because I’m the new kid and my dad is a rich snob. I could hear the whispers that followed me as I made my way to the office area.

The office lady looked at me disapprovingly, so I put the rude finger up at her. She gasped and frowned, I just looked at her.
“Mr Iero, here is your timetable. Lucas over here will show you around,” she told me, handing a piece of paper to me.
I looked at it blankly; I probably would end up throwing this away and not even bothering to go to classes. I looked at the guy called Lucas; he was one of the biggest preps that I’ve ever seen.
“Hi,” he greeted.
I just looked at him before walking off. He followed me.
“I’m supposed to show you where to go,” he said.
I ignored him and walking into another corridor.
“Stop! You don’t know where you’re going!” he exclaimed.
I spun around quickly, almost making him walk into me.
“Piss off! Can’t you leave me the f***ing hell alone!” I growled.
He looked scared and he slowly backed away. I smirked after he left, before reverting back to my normal blank expression.

I actually did make it to my first class. The teacher greeted me with a big welcome. She tried to get me to stand up in front of the class and talk about myself, but I ignored her and sat down in the spare seat, sending her a glare. It was only when the class began that I realised that I had sat next to Mikey.
“Hey Frank,” he greeted brightly.
“Hi,” I mumbled a reply.
Mikey grinned like a madman; it was kind of creepy. After that Mikey figured out that we had all our classes together. I didn’t know whether to groan or smile. Mikey was nice but I just don’t like people. The next few lessons were boring as and Mikey was trying to start conversations with me, but I just said one word answers. Lunch soon came and I almost caved when Mikey asked if I wanted to sit with him. I, of course, caught myself before I said yes and shook my head. I quickly lined up and got my food. I settled myself on a lone table in the corner of the cafeteria. I looked around the cafeteria to see Gerard. I jolted in surprise; we had been avoiding each other ever since the kiss, which was over a month ha go and we hadn’t even talked at all. You could say that it was a very awkward situation between us. It was really weird to see him. I averted my gaze to my tray of food and just stared blankly at it. I had no thoughts flowing through my mind. It was like I was a blank canvas.

Lunch ended and I had my last two classes. I was shoved against a locker many times but I didn’t care; I now welcomed pain. I didn’t want to wait for Delilah to pick me up so I began walking. I didn’t know if I was even going in the right direction or how far away I actually lived, but I just wanted – just needed- to walk. I heard footsteps behind me, but my selective hearing chose to ignore them. A hand grabbed my shoulder and I could tell that it was a male so I turned around and kneed him in the crotch. He keeled over and whimpered in pain. It was then that I realised that the guy was Gerard.
“Sorry,” I murmured, helping him up.
“Umm...ah, no problem; shouldn’t have sneaked up…” he squeaked in a pained voice.
I nodded and began to walk again.
“Do you need a ride?” he asked.
I was about to giggle at his choice of words but I stopped them and instead shook my head and kept walking.
“It’s going to rain,” he told me.
I shrugged and continued to walk. I could tell that Gerard was not trying to make things awkward between us, but I couldn’t care less. I heard Gerard sigh and turn away.

Rain started to fall moments later; big fat raindrops which landed with great force. I kept on walking, even as my clothes became drenched. I loved the feeling of the rain as it pounded down on me. The dark grey clouds were exactly like me; dark, gloomy and releasing big fat tears. The sky was crying and my tears mixed in with those of the clouds. I felt empty and I don’t even know if I want that hollow void inside me to be filled. As I went numb and there was thunder in the distance, a car pulled up beside me.
“Frank get in,”
It was Gerard; I could just tell. I ignored him and kept on walking.
“Frank, get in the f***ing car!” he half yelled.
I stopped walking and turned to him. I shook my head and started walking again. He stopped the car and got out. He ran over and grabbed me. I couldn’t help it, I felt so lost and empty…I hugged him. He held me tightly to him, before slowly leading me to his car. He took off his jacket and gave it to me before wrapping me up in a warm blanket and turning the heater on full blast. He did a U-turn before driving back the way I came. Everything was silent, really silent.
“You idiot,” was all he said.
I wasn’t cold; I wasn’t shivering. I was just numb.

The rest of the ride was awkwardly silent. Sadly Gerard had taken me back to my house. I was about to get out of the car when Gerard stopped me.
“Frank?”
I looked at him, giving him a blank look.
“I just need to say…I really like you. In the like like way,” he told me.
I kept looking at him, my face showing no emotion. He leaned in closer and our lips touched briefly.
“Gerard, I really like you, but I-I-I just can’t. It’s not you,” I said in a small voice and began to leave.
“Wait, just…I have a surprise for you. I’ll pick you up after school,” he told me.
I nodded and got out of the car, letting him drive off. I entered the house and was immediately tackled by Delilah. She went on and on and on and on; it was like she would never shut up. I escaped and locked myself in my room and turned my stereo on really loud. Then I did exactly what I did the night after Gerard and I kissed; I sat in a scolding hot shower crying away emotions that I simply did not have…crying empty tears.

School was crap, but when it was over, I had Gerard to think about; what could this surprise be? Mikey had tried again today to talk to me and I had said a few words to him; that was considered a lot to me. I liked Mikey a lot, as a friend of course, but I don’t know why my mind is telling me not to talk. He was getting a lift with one of his friends, so he knew ALL about the surprise that Gerard had set up. Gerard was late out of class and was actually surprised to see me still there waiting for him.
“Okay, lets go!” he said.
I got into the car and he began to drive.
“It’s a fair long drive, so you won’t be back till late. Does your father know you’re out?” he asked.
I shook my head and looked out of the window. That’s all I did the whole drive. Gerard turned on the car stereo, but I didn’t even register what was playing. It was just about to get dark when we arrived. Gerard had parked at a cemetery. Why the hell were we here? We both got out of the car and Gerard grabbed something before setting off. I followed him until he turned around.
“Cover your eyes,” he ordered.
I rolled my eyes, but complied. I could feel him move me around, leading me.
“Okay, you can look,” he told me.
I took my hands off my eyes and gasped. In front of me was a headstone.

Linda Jane Iero
1973 -2010
‘I lost my fear of falling’

Tears began to slide down my face. I turned to Gerard and then I recognized what he was holding; white roses.
“Her favourites, you once told me,” he told me giving me the flowers.
I couldn’t help it; I just burst into tears. All of this was too much for me. Gerard hugged me tightly as I sobbed into his chest; my tears soaked the front of his shirt. Soon I calmed down and I was able to pull away from Gerard’s embrace.
“Thankyou,” I murmured softly.
He nodded and half smiled. I stepped closer to my mother’s grave. I ran my fingers over the engraved words ‘I lost my fear of falling’.
“Those were her last words in her suicide note…it was her favourite quote,” I told Gerard in a small voice.
Gerard didn’t say anything, but then I didn’t really want him to. I just sat there staring at her grave. I could feel Gerard’s presence closer to me. I slowly got up.
“We have to go,” he told me softly.
I nodded and followed him out of the cemetery.

We quietly got into the car and we didn’t talk much. All was silent and slightly awkward. I usually didn’t show my emotions around people, but somehow I always let my guard down when Gerard was around…and I didn’t like it that much. I hated feeling vulnerable. When he’d pulled to a stop at my house I felt Gerard’s gaze land on me. I turned to face him and I don’t know why, but I had the biggest urge to kiss him. We just looked at each other.
“Thankyou,” I whispered leaning in.
I pressed my lips to his in a strong kiss. He moved his lips with mine, before he pulled away.
“Frank, I didn’t do this to get you to be my boyfriend. It makes me feel bad when you kiss me, if that’s the reason,” he told me.
I pressed my lips to Gerard’s again.
“Gerard, I-I-I want to- I want to try…try us,” I tried to tell him the confusing thoughts in my head.
“Try?” he asked, confused.
“I-I-I can’t promise anything,” I whispered.
“Why not?” he asked, the curiosity clear in his voice.
“I-I can’t really explain it, but it’s like something’s missing in me…like I’m empty,” I told him.
It felt weird; he was the only one I’d ever told…the only one that I could trust. I could trust him, but I couldn’t even trust myself. I pressed my lips to his once more before exiting the car. The gravel crunched beneath my feet as I walked to the front door. I ignored my dad as I walked inside. His pleas of asking me where I was remained unheard as I went straight to my room, lost in thought. I locked the door behind me and put my music up loud. I was quite shocked to hear that my Flyleaf CD was in.

Oh, something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone

Something's missing in me
Something missing in me

Down here love wasn't' meant to be
It wasn't meant to be for me
All is vanity underneath the sun
All is vanity

Oh, something's missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed alone