Empty With You

Months had past and Gerard and I were still together. We’d taken baby steps for the first few months, just so that I could get used to this whole thing and get more confident and trustworthy about the relationship; I really needed the trust and confidence, they are the two things that I am lacking of. We usually hung out in the stables together and did our relationship things in there since no one ever came into the stables and we didn’t want to have disruptions, plus, privacy was always needed. At school we always kept our displays of affection to a minimum because I was still feeling weird about it, plus I don’t want Gerard or me to get beaten up by homophobes. Gerard and I skipped class often though and did other cool stuff; he was ahead in most of his classes anyway, and I couldn’t really give a shit about mine. We had created a mini make-shift bed in the back area of the stable, so we could have fun with each other whilst having some sort of comfort; we used it for other things other than sleeping. At the moment we were lying in each others arms in the makeshift bed; I lay my head on his pale chest. He played with my hair in his fingertips and placed small kisses on my neck. His lips felt soft and delicate against my slightly sweaty skin. I giggled at the feeling and snuggled closer to his warm body, which seemed to always radiate heat. His arms were wrapped around me protectively as I slowly and happily began to drift off to sleep.

I woke abruptly to a disgusted yell from someone; I soon recognized it as my father. I noticed that I was no longer lying on Gerard. I slowly say up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I looked over at the entrance of the stable to see my father and Gerard yelling at each other while Gerard was trying to put his pants on. I could only hear and understand fragments of the conversation between the two.
“You’re being unreasonable!” Gerard yelled.
“You’ve tainted my son!” Dad bellowed.
“I did no such thing!” Gerard defended.
“No son of mine would do such a thing on his own accord!” Dad yelled.
‘You don’t even know him!” Gerard yelled.
“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t know,” Dad spat.
I was still half-asleep so I found it hard to really comprehend what was going on around me. Then I heard the words ‘You’re fired!!!’ ring out through the stable. Gerard was silent for a second before he gathered his top and ran out of the stable, not giving me a second glance. I just sat in the bed felling alone, angry and really confused. My dad looked aw me with a weird expression on his face. It was a mix between angry, disgusted and shock. All of which were not good.
Get dressed and go straight to the house, son. You have some explaining to do!” he ordered before walking out of the stable.
I sat there in shock for a few seconds before I began to move. I tried to get out of the bed without causing pain, but I failed to do so. I winced as excruciating pain went through my spine.

It took me awhile to get ready as my ass and spine REALLY hurt. It’s funny how nobody informs you about the day after. When I’d finally reached the house, after waddling the whole way back from the stable, my father was even more furious. He sneered at me as I entered the room. I ignored him. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt.
“You filthy, filthy boy,” he spat.
He pushed me into a chair and stood in front of me.
“We’ll have to set rules,” he told me in his annoying superior voice.
I shrugged and rolled my eyes; what could he do?
“You will now be homeschooled. You will only be outside for one hour a day, in two thirty minute blocks. You will have no contact with Gerard whatsoever,”
I tried to reason with him, but it was impossible.
“I thought you were okay with gays!” I said thoughtfully.
“Not when it’s my son!” he yelled
I flinched as spit landed on my face.
“Go straight to your room!” he ordered.
I glared at him and rose from my chair. As I exited the room he spoke again.
“I’ll be taking your phone and your laptop away,” he told me.
I threw my phone at him before walking out of the room. I got into my room, picked up the laptop and threw it out of my room. I heard it smash against the hallway wall. I slammed my bedroom door and locked it.

I went into an angry fit of rage and started destroying everything in my room. I was furious with my gather and the events that had unravelled today. Nothing was going to plan and I was now going to be a prisoner in my own home. I yelled at the top of my lungs, letting all my anger out. It didn’t work and I was still furious. There was no way for me to vent so I put my music on full blast and ran into the bathroom. I turned the shower on scalding hot, something I hadn’t done in awhile, and got undressed. When done, I stood, gazing at my reflection in the mirror. I looked horrible; a complete mess. I stared at myself for ages, hating myself more and more by the second. I couldn’t take it anymore and I punched the mirror; letting all the little shards of glass fall around me. Blood dripped from my hand showing where the sharp shards had pierced my skin. I let the blood run down my fingers before I began to ten to the wounds. Once that was done I stepped in to the shower and began to wash my emotions, or lack of, away. The song on my stereo system changed as I curled up into a ball.

“Runaway, try to find that safe place you can hide,
It’s the best place to be when you’re feeling like me
Yeah, all these things I hate revolve around me, yeah.
Just back off before I snap”

Days morphed into weeks which quickly changed into months. I’d lost all social contact with any human beings at all. I was contained to this house and I talked to no one. I didn’t participate in my classes and all I did was sleep. Well, I tried to, but nightmares and memories had taken over my slumber, reminding me of my past.

School had been good today, I only got shoved into two people’s lockers and I’d gotten my semester report card, which contained straight A’s. There was no possible way that my mother could be upset by that report; this was the perfect way to finally get her attention. Nothing in the whole entire world could bring me down from the cloud of happiness which I was currently floating on. I stopped when I arrived at our small home, its peeling paint and long grass made me sigh. I walked slowly up the cracked path, making sure not to step on any of them; it was a kind of game that I usually played…by myself, of course. I opened the front door, instantly shuddering at the disgustingly painted walls, and called out to my mother. She called back in a faint reply and I happily followed her voice with a skip. She was in her bedroom, so I knocked on the door slightly before walking in. She sat in an old worn armchair, gazing at me with eyes cold with hatred. I handed over my report to her and watched and waited for her reaction. Her face was blank until it suddenly changed to anger, causing my big smile to fade.
“You little shit!” she screeched.
I took a step back, stumbling. What had I done wrong?
“You f***ing little goody-two-shoes!” she spat, her voice getting louder.
She slurred other hurtful things, but they all stringed together and didn’t form eligible sentences.
“Just like you’re cowardly father, you f***ing BRAT!” she bellowed.
Her hand began to make contact with my skin, making me fall on the ground. Her fists of fury continue to pour down on me as she screamed her last words.
“You were the worst thing that ever happened to me!”
A single tear fell down my cheek.

The next day I walked slowly home from school. I didn’t really want to face the beast that was, used to be, my mother. I had no idea what she would be like when I got home; had she been drinking? Or was she sober? I think that latter is nearly impossible. My body still hurt from yesterdays beating, and the jocks at school didn’t really help them heal. I wanted to be careful to be a silent as I could. As soon as I opened the front door and entered the silent house I knew something was up. I called out to my mother, hoping for a reply, but got none. Had she drank so much that she was unconscious? Was she out getting more supplies? Hopefully it wasn’t the first one because I didn’t really want to look after her and then the shit beaten out of me. I shook my head as a chill ran up my spine; this house was way too eerie. I slowly walked around the house, waiting to hear something. I walked into her bedroom, the only place that she could possibly be and fell to my knees in shock. Hanging from the ceiling fan was my mother; well, what was left of her emotionless shell. Tears poured down my face as I averted my eyes from her body. Instead my sight landed on a piece of paper on the floor. I picked up the note, avoiding her dangling feet and the knocked over chair. I read the words and it registered that it was her suicide note. I read it over and over again, and my tears ceased. My name was not mentioned…not even once. I felt terrible and incredibly unloved. One final tear dripped from my face and landed on the words ‘I lost my fear of falling’. I turned the note over to see the report card that I had shown her the day before.

Looking back on that memory, I could tell that something died inside of me the day that I saw her dead body. I was like her death sucked my soul out of my body and left me empty. There was something missing in me; something that would take ages to ever find.
I could tell that Dad was having enough of my behaviour and was about to snap. I would just stay in my room the whole time and didn’t even bother going outside anymore. I hardly ate or did anything. I kept my bedroom door locked so that I would not be disturbed as I wallowed in my own pool of self hate. I purposely ignored all the knocks on the door as I just wanted to be alone.

I finally went out of my room to get something to eat, when I was grabbed by my Dad.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.
“Food,” was all I said.
He looked at me weirdly, but didn’t let me go. I just looked at him; trying to see if my physical features matched his. I really did look a lot like him…
“Why do you always look so emotionless…it’s like you’re-” he asked, not knowing how to describe it.
“Empty,” I finished for him
He looked shocked for a second before nodding. I shrugged and tried to get out of his grip, but failed. I just stared at him as his grip got tighter on me.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked.
“What do you think asshole?” I muttered a reply.
His eyes grew angry and dark and his grip on me tightened even more. It started to hurt.
“Why the f*** are you still not over her yet? She died over a year ago. It’s about time you let go!” he yelled at me.
“You have no idea! You weren’t the one that saw her hanging from that rope. You don’t know how it feels that your own mother doesn’t even like you. She couldn’t even bear to look at me. I loved her so much, yet she hated me so much and I did NOTHING. I dealt and helped her through years and years of depression and all I got in return was continuous beatings. I didn’t get a f***ing childhood, but nobody gave a shit about that!”
I paused for a breath.
“And you know what, in her suicide note, there was not one single mention of me, not even my f***ing name! My mother left me alone in this world and she did it by choice. She didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye to the only person that could stand to be near her. She chose to take her life, to leave me alone and stranded. She didn’t give a shit about me. And you know why she hated me? It was because I was just like you!”

He didn’t say anything when I finished so I pulled out of his grip and ran. I ran out of the back door; slamming the door so hard that the glass shattered. I ran towards the stable where I knew a small path was located. The small path would lead me to Gerard’s house, right where I wanted to be. My feet didn’t get tired and I amazingly didn’t run out of breath. I just continued running until I came across what I knew was his house. I opened the little gate and started running up the path. Gerard’s house was about a fifteen minute walk, but since I had been running the whole way I got there in ten minutes.

His house was smallish but it looked cosy and welcome. I stepped off the path and made my way to the front door. I knocked urgently a couple of time, before I heard footsteps. A middle aged woman answered the door; she had long blonde hair and brown eyes. She must’ve been Gerard’s mum. She looked extremely shocked to see me. I don’t blame her because I bet that I looked like a total mess.
“Umm…hello?” she greeted a bit unsure.
“Hi, is Gerard here?” I asked.
“He’s in his room; down the hall, and then go down the staircase on your left and through the door,” she told me, with a weird expression on her face.
I thanked her politely before following the directions she had told me. I descended the stairs with ease and gently knocked on the door. I heard a grunt from the other side of the door. I took that as permission to enter. I opened the door and stepped into the room. I had been in here many times before, so it wasn’t new to me. Gerard was obviously the non-moving lump on the bed.
“Gee?” I called softly, using my pet name for him.
His eyes shot open and he sat up quickly before getting dizzy and falling back down. He sat up more slowly and dragged himself out of bed.
“Frankie,” he said, smiling and walking over to me.
As soon as I was in his arms I began to cry. He shushed and rocked me gently. He slowly brought me over to his bed where he got us positioned so that I was lying on top of him with my head on his chest. I loved being able to hear his beating heart.

He didn’t ask what was wrong. I’m guessing that he already knew. He just held me close to him and ran his fingers through my untidy hair. I snuggled deeper into him, enjoying his warmth, his smell, his touch and…his love.
“I think I freaked out your mum,” I told him in a murmur.
He chuckled which sent vibrations through my body. We continued to just lie there, feeling content and happy. My father would come soon; he would just know that I was here, but I could tell that Gerard would fight for me. He would not let me be taken away so easily. He was my soul mate and in time, I knew that he would be the one to fill the empty in me. Gerard all of a sudden began to sing. It was a beautiful song and his voice was amazing. Slowly, very slowly, I began to drift off to sleep. I was finally happy.

“You could be empty and I can be right here empty with you
or you could be hollow and I can be right here hollow with you
If you want to say goodbye to everything, I could say goodbye too
I can be right here empty with you.

Instead of going underground
Instead of calling them out
Instead of running 'cause your still breathing
Instead of swallowing lies
Instead of buried alive
Let's twist the knife 'til they can't stop bleeding
If you need a confession, I'm guilty
Let's twist the knife 'til they can't stop bleeding
Do you think I feel sorry? Forgive me.
Let's twist the knife 'til they can't stop bleeding
Instead of going underground
Instead of calling them out
Let's twist the knife 'til they can't stop bleeding

You could be empty and I can be right here empty with you
or you could be hollow and I can be right here hollow with you
If you want to say goodbye to everything I could say goodbye too
I can be right here empty with you”