Cut and Run

How had I not realized this? A missed period? I went back and counted the days on my calendar again. Back a few months ago I had been regular around the 20th of every month. I hadn’t written the date in the calendar. Usually I put a purple line through the days I had my period. The last two months were purple free. How did I not notice this…I counted days. It had been 62 days since my last period.

Shit.

A test! A test would determine it. But here…here you had to be 18 to buy a test. I wouldn’t be 18 for another 5 months. By then I would be able to tell if there was a baby in me. I had to know now…but there was no fucking way I was telling anyone Alex, Freddy, Justin, Sam…they couldn’t know.

They would never talk to me again. It would be my own fault. I had let me dad-no. They couldn’t know.

I felt my familiar dark cloud closing in on me. My chest grew heavy and my head spun. I had to relieve it. It had to go into something. I had to get rid of this despair.

No Andi.

Hmm. A voice. How great. I thought I was going crazy before. But now…A voice. AWESOME!

“Hello voice.” I murmured.

Don’t do it Andi. Its been a month since the last time. Don’t relapse.

I smiled. My nails were sharp. I rested them on my wrist. “So you think I’m going to listen to you when I never listened to Alex?”

Don’t Andi.

I shook my head and pressed my nails into my wrist on the side of my vein.

Oh Andi… The voice sighed and then melted away.

*****

There was no blood. Just deep little nail indents on my wrist. I piled on the bangles as I got dressed. Jean shorts and layered purple and black tanktops. I tied on my low black Converse over bright blue socks and then slung my bag over my head. It hit my hip and I slid the metal clip down so the bag touched my thigh.

I danced towards the living room, picking up my iPod off the counter. “Hey Bro.” I smacked the side of his head.
Starving, I wolfed down the ham, bell pepper, onion, and cheese omelet Justin had made me. I gulped down the rich chocolate milk and headed for the door just as Alex’ signature knock sounded. I swung the door open.

Alex stood on the other side in all his glory. His disheveled hair gleamed with a halo in the sunlight. His eyes sparkled. If I was indeed pregnant, this baby had to be his. It had to be. We had never touched in a sexual way…maybe if his genes were in me too…I know this doesn’t sound logical at all…but I’m grasping at straws here. I think that’s what that saying is… Plus, if he thought the baby was his, maybe he wouldn’t be upset with my for carrying my fathers child. Which in a strange way would be both my child and sibling, but Alex didn’t have to know that.

I realized I was standing there staring at him. His smile held a bit of worry even as I waved at Justin and grabbed his arm.

*****

“Andi. Are you okay?” I replied to Alex’ inquiry by pulling him to me and pressing my lips to his. I couldn’t just jump into the plan. I had to ease my way into it so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Right now was just the start.

I put my hand on the back of his neck and deepened the kiss. He seemed to forget his questioning and he took control. He picked me up and laid me on the couch. I pushed all the memories about my father out of my head and jumped into the present. His hands on my hips, my hands in his hair, each one of us pulling the other closer. Breaking the boundaries we had always had.

Until Alex got wise.

At the same time my head exploded with memories.

Apparently my almost first time with Alex called up the first time with my dad…

*****Flashback

I’m eleven. My parents are down stairs yelling at each other. I’m walking up the staps. School was great. Kayla invited me to her house .She even gave me a map. I liked the blue lollipop the bus driver gave me. I open the door to ask them to take me to Kayla’s.
Daddy was reaching towards Momma. He was raising his hand. “Daddy! “ I screeched. He whirl around, still enraged. His eyes fall on my blue lips, my wide eyes. My wobbling knees below my blue shorts.

He stalks towards me and towers above me. “What the fuck do you want?” He growls.

My hand tightens around the stick of the lollipop. Scared. “Could….could you take me to Kayla’s?”

He looks at my clothes and, ignoring my question, says, “A proper young lady does not wear such things!” He pinches my tanktop and shorts.”

“It…it was field day.”

“Take them off.”

“Okay…” I head for the stairs. He grabs my hair.

“No. Here.”

Hands cold, heart heavy, but wanting to please, I drop my bag to the floor. Daddy licks my lollipop. Shaking, I drop my shorts and struggle to get the tank top off.

“Hurry up!” His hand across my face rushes me and makes my eyes sting.

His eyes scale my body. Finally, he smiles. “I’ll teach you to disrespect my rules! Upstairs!”

Relief. He was letting me go. I scramble towards the stairs, blink at my mother as she stands to the side, crying lightly. “Faster!” He grabs both my wrists and begins shoving me up the stairs. He picks me up by my arms and throws me onto my bed. My head smacks the wall.

He roughly pulls off my undies and sports bra. For 11, my breasts were large enough for one. He pulls his shirt over his head.

“Daddy…what are you doing?” My voice shakes.

“Showing you what will happen if you tempt boys by your clothing.”

He discards his clothes.

The pain he went on to cause me was worse than anything…ever.

A month and three rapes later, I cut myself. The rape picks up. Nearly everyday. As it picks up, so did the red marks on my arms…

*****End

I pulled away from Alex and pushed him away. He landed on the floor.

“Andi…I’m sorry…” He rushed back to me to apologize. I shook my head, tears rushing, and my nails found my wrist. Hardly realizing it, blood popped up from the marks. My breath was chopped and shaking.

“Andi.” Alex warned.

Shaking my head, I leapt up and ran.

*****

I made it to the woods and sat down on the wet grass, leaning against a tree. The twigs in the ground poked at my bare arms and legs. Ignoring it, I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep, nails on my wrist.