Ignorance Is Your New Best Friend; I'm Done

He was the boy who I never quite understood. He was the boy who never quite understood me. He was the boy who was clearly a mystery and I was the girl who started to break through. He was the boy who got me to crack. He was the boy who put a smile on my face. He was the one who pulled me out of the depressions that one of his least favorite people would inevitably leave me in. He was the boy who stole my heart when I least expected it. He was the one who had no idea. He was the one who turned my life inside out. He made me see life again. He made life worth living.

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It was half way through junior year when I finally dropped my business class. My friends all had a lunch when I had business; I had no lunch. I hated business with a passion and the boy who sat next to me seemed to have an undeniable, eternal grudge against me and I had barely ever spoken to him; I had only asked if I could borrow a pen. I had wandered into the guidance office for the twelfth time that day and I decided to take a seat in the corner. There was someone in Mrs. Morgenstern’s office and I would simply wait my turn.

I had already been waiting fifteen minutes; almost half of my fifth period calculus class. I hadn’t expected it to take this long. I sighed and began chipping the nail polish off of my poorly manicured nails. A boy with light brown hair and piercing green eyes shuffled in and sat down beside me. Had I not already taken it, I knew for a fact that he would have gone straight for the corner seat. Not because it was what anyone would do, but because I knew him. I knew who he was and how he thought and I even knew why he did some of the things that he did. I knew him because he had turned my life upside down ten thousand times since we’d met. He had sent me to my floor in tears about a thousand times and he’d sent me searching for my exacto-knife at least twice that. The other seven thousand times he had just sent me spinning in my downward spiral that no one could pull me out of. The other seven thousand times he just seemed to break me.

I stood, when the student in her office left, to enter the small, pathetic excuse for an office. Unfortunately in my attempt at grace, the green-eyed boy from beside me had beaten me into the office; up, out of his seat and across the room in a matter of seconds. I sighed inwardly, never letting my annoyance clear for anyone to see, and took my seat again. If I knew this boy, and I did, he would come up with ten million extra things to ask her, on top of the million he already had, just to keep me waiting a few more minutes. He knew exactly how passive I was; exactly what he could get away with.

I looked up to realize the secretary who usually disliked me for one reason or another was giving me a sympathetic look. “Would you like to see Mr. Wilson instead? He should be back from lunch in a minute. You’ve been waiting here all period.” I sighed and glanced up at the clock.

“If Mrs. Morgenstern isn’t free yet, then yes. I just need to make a schedule change; nothing too important.” She nodded and I pulled a book out of my tote bag. I hated being forced to go to Mr. Wilson instead. He always seemed to take issue with my inability to stick with the schedule sent to me at the beginning of August. He always seemed to be caught off guard when I asked a question. Apparently I was just supposed to be a decoration; a wallflower; an ornament of sorts. I was ranked first in my class but I was headed nowhere fast. I had no intentions, no expectations and no way to be let down.

I was pulled away from my book when Mr. Wilson called my name. “Amalia Spencer.” My name was not Amalia; I went by Amy, though I wasn’t about to correct him. I stood quickly and almost dropped my travel cup of coffee. I moved slowly; I blended in; I was cautious. I was nothing special and I knew it. I was a walking disaster and I would probably trip over my shoe lace the minute I took a step forward. “You need a schedule change again? What class haven’t you changed yet?” he asked as a joke.

“I would like to switch out of business. Y’know, take a lunch instead; spend some time with my friends.” Spend time with one friend. “With all of my classes I never have time to do anything. I don’t plan on going into business, and I just don’t like the class.” You don’t like the boy who sits next to you.

“Well, you made it through the first semester. You sure you don’t just wanna stick it out?” I shook my head ‘no’ feverishly. I wanted out. I wanted to feel like a normal sixteen year old. “Alright, I’ll switch you out. You can go to lunch when the bell rings. Just stop by the office and put your drop slip in Mr. Arnold’s mailbox.” I nodded as he filled out the green slip. I thanked him and took the paper out of his hand.

I walked back into the office and observed the snow falling outside. This would suck. I passed by Mrs. Morgenstern’s office and saw the smirk appear on the green-eyed acquaintance’s face. I ignored him and held my head high. I wasn’t going to cry, and if I was, he sure as hell wasn’t going to witness it. Not over my dead body.

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Ashton Vaughn was the guy that I couldn’t stand for a major portion of my career as a student. He was loud, hyper and quite often, obnoxious. But that was what made me love him. His electric, oceanic eyes made me fall for him so hard. I had met him in fifth grade and only learned to tolerate him in seventh; I crushed on him in eighth, but he’d won my heart the summer before. He saw through all of my barriers and he knew I wasn’t okay. He didn’t ask, he didn’t pry and he didn’t really care. He just knew.

When he’d seen me in freshman year of high school, all but hanging on the arm of a certain green-eyed frenemy, he knew. He knew the reason I’d been upset for so long; the reason I would get quiet sophomore year. He knew exactly what was happening; I was wearing my heart on my sleeve only for the threads holding it on and together to become frayed and worn as the days passed. The days would pass and the affection wouldn’t be reciprocated. I would go home and scream, stare in the mirror, cry in disgust and then dig the blade into my wrist. It was wrong, but it was the only thing that helped; the only thing that dulled the pain; that made me numb. It was the only thing that kept Derek Calloway out of my mind.

Derek, Devil, Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub. They were all synonymous. They were one in the same.

Derek Calloway took everything I could possibly offer and then some. He spent years leading me on only to let me down in the end. He was greedy, selfish, cocky, arrogant, cruel, unsympathetic, uncaring. He was a liar and he was my everything. Was.