Out of Focus

Journal
April 5
So today I had rehearsal again for the play. It was okay. Mrs. Drexel has given up on Justin though. I don't like the new lead. It's unfair. It's Tim. Tim & I broke up because he said I wasn't around for him. Him. Can you believe that? I can't. He should be here for me. I was his girlfriend. Justins my friend. We had some issues, but in the end I want to be there for him. It's what he would do. 

April 7
I found out today my mom comes back tomorrow. Today I decided to take a walk around Sweet Seas. What an ironic name. Much like Sweet Pines. Especially because it's no where near the sea. Just like Sweet Pines is no where near any stupid pine cones. Anyway. I was walking around & I came across a music room. They had one at SP too. I'd forgotten. It's suppose to be support for the patients. Like a release I guess. I thought about it & I think I might write a song for Justin. If he wakes up. For when he wakes up.

April 8
So I started writing some lyrics. They're okay I guess. Practice went smoothly. I just need to bring my guitar & get some chords going for my song. Looking at it now it represents what happened or how I look at Justin looked at Justin. Maybe on the piano down in the music room too.
 

"Isabella?" "Alice!" "Oh Bella I missed you! Your mom brought me as a suprise! Thought you needed a lift..." She looks at the bed where Justin lays. 
"It's amazing that you came! Spring break?" "Yeah." "So my moms here?" "Yeah. Down stairs with the boyfriend." "Ahh."
I hope she's back with Steve.
"She said she'd see you tomorrow. They're looking for an apartment or hotel I guess." "Oh. That's good." "Yeah I'm suprised they're together really."

Just then Rebecca comes in. After the initial size up I introduce them. "Becca this is Alice my best friend from California, & Alice this is Rebecca." "Nice to meet you Alice. I've heard some awesome things about you." "Its nice to meet you too. I can't say I've heard anything of you. Of course I haven't talked to Bella. Otherwise I'm sure I would have."
"Is Kaden coming today?" "No. He just doesn't feel up to it." "I understand." "Wait! Bella your Kaden? The Kaden?! Kaden?" "The Kaden. Yes. Well from California. My Kaden? No. Becca's Kaden." "Aww you two are dating? I can totally see that. Bet you guys go cute together." "Thanks." "He'll be happy to see you Alice."
I watch as she walks to the side of his bed. "So he was Libby's son? Your friend?" "He is Libby's son. He's is my friend." 
Alice turns to look at me catching a tone in my voice. Something about Alice is that she always knows when something is going on. No matter what it is. Except Phil. That she never put together. 
"Just a friend?" she asks as she furrows her eyebrows together. 
"Of course." "You're a bad liar Isabella. You like him. That's why you are always here. You never leave. Day in & day out. You don't even attend school except for Photography club & the rehearsals for the play. I'm not stupid.
You care about Justin. He may be your best friend. Maybe that's all he is. But I'm pretty sure he's more. I think you...You love this boy."
"What?! No!" She sighs. "Whatever Bella."

Later that night Alice & Becca convince me to go home for the night. I had been sleeping at the hospital every night. We had a fun time but the whole time I was trying to fall asleep all I could think of was Justin all alone. There's nothig like staying all alone at the hospital. Even if you are in a coma. I should know. 

The next day at the hospital all I can think of is the huge cut they found on his leg when he had been admitted to the hospital. I had cried. He'd taken care of my wound but wouldn't open up the same way for me. 
How long had he suffered? How long had he been depressed? His mom blamed herself. His dad blamed himself for walking out with a fake explanation as to why he was walking out in the first place.
I blamed myself for dating Tim. For not listening to Justin when he was right.     
I was the reason he was laying in that hospital bed. 

As I sit there my dad, Justin's parents, Alice & Becca, & my mom come in. Only my moms not alone. My nightmare has returned. A nightmare I thought was over. Phil. 
"Well Isabella long time no see." "Get out." "Isabella! Do not speak to my fiancé in that voice." "Fiancé! Fiancé? How could you?!" "Isabella he assured me that it was a lie."
"A lie. So I tried killing myself over what he did because it was all pretend?" "Isabella. Don't disresepect your mother." "Dad! Please! You have to believe me!" "This is the last warning!" "Fine!" I screamed. And I walked out of Justin's hospital room. Leaving him with a room full of family & friends & one child molester. 

April 10
I can't believe all of this. My mother believes Phil. And Aunt Libby doesn't know about what happened so she's planning the wedding. They're getting married. My dad was gone. He doesn't know what to believe. But it seems he's taking their side because of Richard. I don't know what to do about that. Thy seem to be best friends. Supposedly they hated eachother in highschool. Huh...best of friends now. Richard seems to know more than I do. I don't even know my dad. He was gone out of my life for so long. I may not know him, but I sure as hell want too.

As I'm sitting in Justins room that day writing I hold his hand. "Justin. I don't know if you can hear me. But, I'm sorry you were right about Tim. About everything. He wanted me as a sick game. It disgusts me. He-he attacked me Justin. I ran into you because I was running from him. He attacked me." I squeeze his hand. 
Then I feel him squeeze mine. I already know it's not a for sure sign. The doctors will tell you it's a fluke. That it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. But that's only my opinion. 
"Isabella good to see you." "Hi Dr. Greene." "Writing music?" "Yeah actually I am." "About?" "Justin." "Ahh." "Well more of how he was there for me when I told him about Phil." "That's a big step. You told someone. By the way. I heard your mother is engaged to Phil. I'm sorry." "Yeah me too. But I guess I'll deal one way or another." "Yes, but what about living with your father?" "I don't know. I could ask I suppose."
"Do that. It might help." "I hope."

That night I come down from my shower into Libby's kitchen. I see Alice, my dad, & Richard sitting around the counter. They don't see me at first so I stay quiet a minute. I hear them talking. 
"You need to tell Isabella. She'll except you. Trust me. She loves you no matter what sex you're interested in. You're her dad. Forever & always." "But how Alice? I've kept it secret so long. Libby & Mallory don't know either." "And Justin, Luke. I never told my son & I was so hard on him about sports. He hated me for it." "Tell your wives first. They deserve to know. Then tell Isabella. But wait a few days. To see if you can tell her & Justin together. I have a feeling that somethings gonna happen soon. You know it's most likely too." 
She looks at Luke, my dad. Something about Alice, she always knows when something is about to happen. And from her tone it was going to be a mix of bad & good. 

As I walked in the kitchen they got quiet  I grabbed a bottle of water & said, "I'm leaving." "Honey what about dinner?" "I'll grab something on the way." "I'm staying at Rebecca's." "Good Alice. Don't stay here with Phil. Not at all." Then I pick up my bag & leave. 

Later that night, after not eating, I had finished my song. Not the song for Justin but a song for my dad. 

I started to sing along playing the piano in the music room.

I wait for the postman to bring me a letter.
I wait for the good lord to make me feel better and I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. 
A family in crisis that only grows older. 
Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go?... 

After that I fall asleep.