Out of Focus

"Okay what color wall paint?"

I had picked out black and white zebra sheets with lime green, & electric blue pillow covers, purple curtains, an electric blue rug, & a black comforter with zebra print on the other side. It was awesome. I just had to choose a wall color.

"Can I leave them white and paint sayings on them, in black?"
"Yeah sure. Do you want photo frames?" "Yeah I'll probably need more. I have some of my favorites already framed."

"Well okay then. How about stencils? she says as she picks up a pack, "These are stars and swirls."
"Okay. They are cute. Next, black paint."
"Okay."

On our way home we pick up McDonald's for lunch. After we eat we unpack our findings. "Ya know hun this may not be the best furniture arrangement." "Yesh I know. How about--"
Tonight Ima fight til we see the sunrise... "Oh crap."
"Hello?...Yes....Debra, I'm sure the reception hall made a mistake....Okay I'll be right there. Bye. Oh honey I'm so sorry I have to go. Wedding crisis." "It's okay." "Justin should be home for dinner. Actually he will. I'll leave money and you two can pick up Chinese. Get to know each other." "Sounds good."

"Hello?!" we hear as the door slams shut. We head downstairs to the living room. "Oh honey. Good your home. I have to run out so I'll leavsome money & you and Bella can go pick up some Chinese food kay?" "Alright. Can you leave some for movies too?" "Oh sure. That's a great idea. I'll leave it on the bar. Bye Bella, Justin."
"Bye." we both said in usion.

"Soooo what were you two doing?" "Getting ready to paint my room." "Oh. Well I'll be happy to help. Moving furniture?" "Yeah a little. I'm only painting words on the walls though. Like a few of my favorite quotes." "Okay cool."

So we head upstairs and move my furniture & paint some quotes on the walls with stencils. It turns out to be fun.

"A picture says a thousand words, but does it tell the whole story? Wow that's actually a-- a beautiful quote. Like I'm surprised." "It's my favorite. It actually inspired me to write down all my favorites quotes like that. I got it from the cover of a book I read." "What book?" he asks. His eyes full of wonder. Amazement?
"Umm I'm ashamed to say this but I don't remember the name. You think I'd remember." "Well it's one of those things I guess."

We stood back and admired our work. "Let's put up the pictures. I'll put the nails in the wall and you can get the pictures out okay?" "Sure."
So we stood and worked in a rhythm. He would put a nail in an I would hang whichever picture I chose. The frames were in all different colors. Electric blue, lime green, hot pink, & bright purple.

The last picture I chose to put up was actually a black & white of me with several frames. One of the collage frames. I was in a black dress and had my back to the camera looking over my shoulder with my curls cascading down my back with a bow in the side of my hair.
The second picture I was dancing around in a river, water up to my thighs with the skirt of my dress pulled up so it wouldn't get wet.
The third I was sitting on the rock again with my knees pulled up to my chin looking at the camera.
As I hung the frame up I heard Justin take in a sharp breath. "What?" "My mom has these." "I know. She asked for copies when I developed them. In the same frame too." "When she brought these home Bella these inspired me to get a camera & take photos. When my dad left these pictures inspired me to get up again. I'd never been cut out for sports & my dad hated art. With him gone I was able to pick up the camera & see what I wanted." "Aww Justin..." "When I was reading that quote I was thinking of these photos. Your eyes...you looked lost...empty..."
"I didn't know you took photos. That was after my moms boyfriend Phil left. She had broken up with him. She dated him after my dad left and your mom went back home." "A pretty recent hobbie. I remember. It was the first time my mom went after dad left." "Well I had gotten out of the hospital for the second time. I told her why I did it & she dumped Phil."
"Why? Why did she dump him after you told her--? What did he do?"
My eyes and welled up with tears. I gasp, "Nothing. Nothing happened. Let's just go get dinner & movies okay?" "Okay." he says slowly. A look of confusion plastered all over his face.



"So we got Zombieland, It, & Jennifer's Body hmm what first?" "Umm Zombieland." "You sure? Not to scary?" "Haha no but I probably will scream during It I've never watched it in the dark." "Seriously?!" "Yeah."
"Okay you can hold onto me when it's scary Bells." "Okay and vice versa. Just don't get to fresh." "Oh okay and vice versa. Deal?" "Deal. Hahaha."
So as we were watching the first movie I felt like I had to tell Justin the truth. No one new but my mom and him. And she didn't care and he's the one who did it. I had to tell Justin because I felt as if I owed him the truth. He could have been mean to me that I was 'taking his place' but instead he'd been a friend to me. I didn't want our relationship to start out based on lies.

"It was Phil, Justin." He pauses the movie. "Wait what?" "Phil he-- you asked me why I did it, why my mom dumped him. I was raped. He did it. Phil." I cry, "Please oh god! I've never told anyone! Oh god." I sob. As Justin wraps his arms around me he pulls me to his chest. "It's okay. You can tell me anything."
"You can't tell anyone! Not anyone Justin! Not even Libby. Especially not Libby!" I say as I pull my head back to look at him.
He hesitates, "Okay. But promise me this, you'll tell her when your ready." "Okay." We stay silent for a few moments.

"So you did what you did because--" "Because I couldn't take the rape any longer. It went on for 4 months before I cut my wrists open. I told him I would before the last time. He didn't believe me." my voice cracks.
"How-- how did he--?" "How did he do it the first time?" He swallows, "Yes."
"I was asleep in my room. He came in during the middle of the night. Covered my mouth & told me that if I said a word he'd put the knife that was to my throat in my throat. I believed him. So he continued & raped me. Repeatedly..."
"How many times?" "That night? Four times. All together? Three hundred and fifty-seven times. For the sex, the encounters were every other day for months so I don't know." "Oh Isabella."
He holds me and I cry. I cry for the loss of my virginity. The loss of making love for the first time to someone I would want to spend my life with. The loss of innocence. The loss of my childhood. The loss of my life. The loss of me.

"Were you a um..." "Virgin? Yes." "Yes?" "Yes. Umm are you?" He pulls back a little. "No actually. I'm not. I lost it when my dad left. I would go out, get drunk, then I'd hook up with random girls." "How many?" "Ten girls. About 30 different times. I'm clean though. I fessed to my mom and she got me tested at Planned Parenthood." "Thats good." "Are you um clean?" "I don't know. I've never even been on birth control never been to PP. Not even while I got raped. I'm lucky I guess." "Bells you're really lucky. But I would really feel better if we got you tested & on birth control."
"I would too." "Then I'll take you after school one day next week." "Thank you. No ones ever cared before." "My moms always cared about you & you have me now too Bella." "I know." "Lets watch the movies. Relax."



Just as we were about to finish Jennifer's Body the phone had to ring.

"Hello?...Yeah she's here. Who's callin'?...Her boyfriend?...Oh....Yeah....Sure here she is. He says he's your boyfriend, umm Josh I think."
So I do what I have to do. I take the phone and get ready to tell Josh where I've been.
"Hi Josh."
Where the fuck have you been???!!! You stop calling me. Stop coming to school. Your friends won't say where you are. Then I call your house and that bastard picks up and tells me you fucking moved!!! Where the FUCK--
"Josh please stop. I wasn't aloud to call you."
Weren't aloud? Got dammit Isabella. Where the hell were you that you weren't aloud to call. Not even write or email. You're a fucking liar!
"I'm not lying Josh. I was, I was in Sweet Pines."
What? Why? "I tried committing suicide Josh. I couldn't take it anymore okay? I was sick of everything, everyone."
Yeah you're right. Just a hint of bitterness there.

So what? That must be your new boyfriend that answered the phone huh? Do you fuck him like you didn't fuck me?

This brought tears to my eyes. "No Josh." Hes not? Not what? Say it goddammit. Say it. He's not what Isabel--
I'm crying and Justin is watching from the kitchen but I don't realize that until I scream into the phone, "Hes not my boyfriend goddammit!! God!! How did you get this number anyway?! Stalk me?! Go to HELL Josh!!!!!" Then I throw the phone down.

Justin comes in and picks it up, listens for sound then when he hears Josh screaming, I wish you had succeeded!! he says, "Don't call us again you bastard." and hangs up.

"You dated that ass?" "Yeah," I sniff, "Bad decision huh?"
"You can say that again. Jesus Christ if he ever calls again I'm gonna hunt the asshole down. I swear to fucking god." "Go ahead. Beat the motherfucking shit out of him. Better yet do it now &--"
"Wow you guys are still up?" Libby walks in to the room, "Oh hun what's wrong?" "Go wipe your face okay. I'll explain," says Justin.



"Her boyfriend called. Well probably her ex now I suppose. He made her upset. I hung up on him for her."
"Whatd he say for her to be that upset?" "A lot of shit. It's a shame she could do so much better than that."
"She defiantly could. Anyone in mind?" my mom smiles.
"What? Uh no. No."

Then Bella comes in. Her face still pink from crying and her eyes, aqua like the ocean, rimmed with sadness. Her wavy reddish brown black hair falling around her shoulders. With a big sweat shirt on and black leggings. Beautiful.

"Okay um problem."
"What kind of problem Bella?"
"Well Justin helped me with my room and it stinks from the paint." "Oh crap. I didn't think. We should've done it tomorrow morning."
"Well Justin's bed is a trundle. You can stay there." "Kay."
"We can finish the movie in my room. If you put the movie in I'll get the sheets for the bed." "Kay. You sure you don't have a problem with me in your room?" "Positive." I say, "Trust me nothing would make me happier." I say this with a wicked grin. "Okay yucks." "Ha. Come on Bells. Chill."

As I'm upstairs changing Bella knocks on the door and comes in while I have my shirt off. For some reason I'm nervous.
"Uh sorry Justin." "Oh uh it's okay. Um let me help with the sheets. And uh we can finish the movie on my bed cuz you can't really see the t.v. from the trundle." "Okay. Sounds good."
"Uhh be right back." I say as I run into the bathroom.
Okay. Deodorant. Check. Brush teeth. Check. Hair? Check.

She's sitting on my bed as I come out. The DVD all set up.
"Cold?" I ask because she's covered to her chin in my blankets.
"Yep. Kinda." she sniffs the blanket as I sit down, "Your sheets smell really good." "Thanks." "Welcome."

Just as the credits start rolling the power goes out. I hear my mom in the hall getting piles of blankets.
"Lets head down stairs kids." she says as she opens my bedroom door and throws blankets in, "Get these and get Is one if your sweatshirts. Layer up. Were sleeping downstairs together.

Pretty soon we have a bed on the floor. It's cold. "Okay Bells come here." I open my arms and pull her to my side my sweatshirt covering her.
"Thanks Justin." "Keep warm okay? It'll help if we breathe under the blankets to get some warm air."
"Kay."
"Ill sleep on the couch okay guys." "Kay mom." "Kay Aunt Lib."

And just like that I fell asleep with Isabella's arms wrapped around me. A beautiful girl asleep in my arms.