Out of Focus

At 3 a.m. I walk into Justins room glance into his bathroom & scream. I scream like I've never screamed before in my life. 

***

I sit in the hospital room in the chair next to his bed. I wrap my arms around my knees & bury my face in my lap. I've been sitting here for a whole week. Not moving. Not sleeping. Just waiting. I blame myself. I blame myself for everything. 

"Bella? Bella honey?" I turn to look at the doorway. Mom. "Mom." my voice cracks. She comes over & hugs me. "Honey I had no idea he had problems. No one did." 
"I know. He hid it. It's my fault. I should have realized." "Honey you had no way of knowing." "I should have seen the signs." "Maybe. But don't blame yourself." 
"Hey Isabella." Steve says poking his head around the door. "Hey Steve." "I hate to do this but I have to catch my plane. I gotta get to the shop. I just wanted to see you." "It's okay. I understand." "Bye Bella. Everything will be okay." he squeezes my shoulder. "Bye."
It sounded final. 
"So what's going on?" "How did you know?" my mom asks. "I can tell." "Well after you left he told me he thought it was wrong. So we decided to split up because he didn't agree with how I was raising you. And I don't love him." "What else?" I ask. But instead we're interrupted. 
"Bella? Why are you still here? Go home eat, shower, sleep, then come back." "But Aunt Libby!" "No. Go. Justin won't wake up for a while." If ever. I add silently. Of course they didn't know that yet. They'd learn that in a week or so. I knew how it went. I'd been in the hospital enough times. You begin to learn the pattern your second time in.

***

I stand in the shower washing my hair & I think about how Justin's bathroom is probably still a mess. The bottles on the floor. The pills. The paper in his hand that I wasn't aloud to see. The blood on the edge of the tub where he had hit his head. 
I let the water mix with my tears. When I get out I crawl into my bed. I lay there for hours. 
Unable to sleep I get up and walk to Justin's room & crawl into his bed. Under his covers that smell so much like him I fall to sleep instantly. 
When I wake up my stomach is growling. I turn over to see a man standing at the foot of the bed. A man I haven't see since he left my house a few years before. 
"Daddy?" I jump out of bed into his big bear hug. "Isabella. Oh baby girl how I missed you." "I missed you." "Get dressesd okay I'll make you breakfast."

I get dressed in sweats after a quick shower & as I'm padding down the stairs I'm welcomed with the smell of bacon & eggs. "Hey baby girl." "Hey daddy. Thanks." I hop up onto the bar stool & stab a piece of whites off my eggs with my fork.
"Hey Richard." "Hey. Well you must be Isabella." 
I pause & egg falls off my fork. "You're Justins dad." "Yes." I knew instantly because he looked like an older Justin. "Nice to meet you Isabella." "Is. Or Bella is fine & it's nice to meet you too. So dad, why are you here?" 
"Well day before yesterday your mom called said that someone was in the hospital. Thought it was you. Showed up & she said you were home asleep that it was Richards son." "Wait, yesterday? How long was I asleep?" "Oh about...hmm...forty-two hours." "Oh. Oh my god. Has...?" "No sweetie. No news." I look down at my lap then as I hear the front door open I look up to see Rebecca walk into the kitchen with red rimmed eyes. 
"Oh Bella." I run up to her & give her a hug. I hadn't seen her since the first day Justin was in the hospital. "Becca." I step back, "Where's Kaden?"
She looks at her feet & says, "This is upsetting him so much Bella. He can't bear to come. To face you, yet alone look at Justin. He's in so much pain. He-it-it reminds him to much of the past. I'm sorry." "It's okay." 
"Are you coming to school?" "Yeah. I guess so." "Come on. I'll help you pick out something."

***

The school day goes by as a daze. People telling me they're sorry. Like I've lost someone. People telling me they know how I feel. They don't know how I feel. They've never been through what I've been through. I hope they never go through what I'm going through. 
I don't see Tim all day long until I'm walking to my car. Across the parking lot with his sandy blonde hair in his face talking on the phone. My excuse. I hurdily back out & head to the hospital.
I walk into his room only to find it empty. As I turn I run smack into Richard, Justins father.
"Bella. How was school?" "It sucked. I'm not going tomorrow. Where?" "They're moving him to Sweet Seas. I was just making sure we had everything." "Sweet Seas?" "Come on let's walk & talk. Sweet Seas is a mental hospital, but he'll be in the emergency wing. It's seperate from the real patients." "Oh. I get it."

We arrive at Justin's new room. A huge window with a window seat. Everything was white except the big comfy chairs & a couch that turned into a bed. Justin's bed resting in the middle of the room.

When I come in I see my mom, my dad, & Libby sitting down. Kaden pauses in front of me. "Bella. I can't stay. I'm sorry." he kisses the top of my head & leaves. 
"Bella how was school?" "It sucked. I'm not going back. Not until-" 
My dad speaks, "The doctor said that he may not wake dear." "He will. They always do." "Bella-" "I did. I woke up. I woke up three times. Each time alone because you gave up on me. Both of you did. Justin won't wake up alone. I won't let him."
My mother, father, & Richard all decide to get dinner. Taking my overnight bag I sit on the couch. 
"Bella honey, I'm his mother & even I won't be able to last much longer. How could you?" I look up at Libby & say, "He would do it for me. Justin wouldn't give up. He wouldn't give up on any of us."

***
The following week I don't go to school. Instead my father arranges for Rebecca to bring me my homework. So everyday she gives me my homework & I give her my finished work. 

One night after she leaves Justin's doctor comes. The first time I've ever seen him. Well in the room that is. I'd seen him. I'd seen him at Sweet Pines. 
"Dr. Greene." "Why Isabella how do you know Justin?" "I was sent to live with him & his mom after I left Sweet Pines. He's my best friend." 
"I thought you once said, 'I don't have best friends. Best friends leave scars.' Isabella." "I did. But," I pull up the skirt of my dress, "Sometimes you need friends to teach you to heal those scars." 
"Did you get treated for this?"
He comes over & takes a look, disappears for a second, & comes back with a first aid kit. He stitches up the rest of the cut.
 "Do you need to talk to someone?" "No. I realized how stupid I was acting. I don't want my friends & family in this type of situation." I nod towards Justin.
"Ahh." he says. "It was kind of a wake up call."
He continues his check up on Justin. "Isabella. A bit of advice. I know you don't think you need to talk to someone. Truthfully sometimes self healing is the best kind of therapy one can have. But so is journaling. You'll get all your hopes & fears down on paper. And maybe one day those same hopes & fears will turn into your dreams. Your future." "So my future may lay in a notebook?" "Funny as it seems yes. And if you can't go to school then at least participate in the excerricular activities. It's good for you. I'm sure your best friend would want that for you. The good." and with that he walked out of the room.         

Two days later when I come back from Libbys from a shower I arrive to find Rebecca looking at a empty journal. "Whered you get this?! It's cool! Lined paper for writing, music sheet paper, & plain sketching paper. It's the ultimate notebook!"
"I honestly don't know." but I think I do. 
I look at Justin's chart & see where Dr. Greene signed his chart ten minutes before. 
"It is perfect though." I take it from Rebecca & look at the cover. Black with a black lace rose lined with velvet on the cover. "It's pretty." "It is." "Well here's the homework."

Rebecca turns to leave. "Becca?" "Yeah Bella?" "When's the next practice for the play?" 
"Tomorrow at 3:15." she pauses & smiles, "Don't be late Bella."