Cross My Heart

I was starting to get more and more nervous as I approached my due date. I was due on December 18th, and it was just the beginning of December. I noticed that Josh was getting more and more distant with me, and I didn't like it. It might of been that her was nervous about it, but I wasn't quite sure. Josh said he was going to come over the day before he had to go to Toronto for an interview with Much Music to “talk about something”. I was extremely worried about that.

As soon as I let Josh into the house, I could tell something was wrong. He had a unreadable facial expression, and Josh was a fairly easy person to read, to me at least. “Okay, Josh. What's on your mind?” I asked. Josh let out a long breath, and then my heart started to pound.

“Okay, well, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately...” He looked at me. “Maybe you should sit down for this.”

“If I sit down, I'm not getting back up.” I folded my arms over my chest. “Now, what is it?” He looked really nervous. Or hurt. Or both. I couldn't quite tell. He looked at me again, taking another deep breath.

“I'm not sure how to word this without sounding too harsh...” Josh started.

“Then come right out with it.” I said. Josh folded on arm over his chest and was holding the other arm. He started t drum his fingers on his arm. “Josh, you're scaring me. What's wrong?” I asked, starting to sound a little desperate.

“Jaws, you have to know that I love you...”

“Josh, please.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “What is it.” Josh sighed.

“I..don't know if I'm exactly ready to be a dad...” Josh said. That hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart started to pound faster, and it felt like it was going to burst right through my chest.

“You're...not READY? It's a little late for that now, don't you think Josh?” I said.

“Jaws, you have to understand where I'm coming from here. The band is just getting comfortable with everything...” I didn't let him finish that sentence.

“So, you think that in having this baby, it will completely stop your career?” I said, but continued before Josh could say something. “It hasn't stopped my career Josh. And you know what I think Josh? You must real immature to put the band before your unborn child.” I said, uncrossing my arms. There was an eerie silence ringing through out the house. I felt some tears brimming in my eyes.

I really didn't want to believe that this was happening. I thought Josh would be 100% there with me. I was starting to doubt everything. “You know Josh...if you're responsible enough to have sex,” I looked up at him. “you should be responsible enough to deal with the consequences that could happen.”

Josh looked utterly shaken. This was not the first time that I had said something to do that to him. I did understand where Josh was coming from, us being too young for a child, but when I was due in 2 weeks, he decided to bring that up? “Josline, I am sorry. We're both really young still. “

“Well, there's nothing I can do about this now Josh!” I said, my voice raised. I inhaled, taking a sharp breath. “You have the interview with Much Music in 2 days. You're gone for four days. In that time that you're gone...” I stopped to see if he was paying attention. He was. “You better fucking figure out what you want to do here Josh. Because if you don't have an answer when you come back in 4 days, or you still feel like you aren't ready to be a dad yet...then you're out of the picture.” I said. Josh looked shocked. “I'm serious. If you don't want to be in your sons life, I don't want you in mine.” Everything was quiet again. I was completely shocked with myself. I couldn't believe I actually said that to Josh. “You should go catch that flight.” I said. Josh didn't say anything. He just left. I felt really bad as soon as the door closed. I watched out of the window as he got into his cab. I sighed, sitting down on the couch.

I agreed. We were still real young. But, there was nothing I could do about it. I just sat on the couch for the next hour, mostly because I couldn't get up, but also because I didn't have any motivation at that moment in time. Then, life started to get much scarier. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and I was not liking it. Then there were intense pains in my stomach.

“You couldn't of done this an hour ago?” I scrambled around for my phone. I called Josh, but he wasn't picking up. “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.” Clearly I was in a pleasant mood. I had to call Airin.

“Yeah Jaws, what's up?” Airin answered his phone.

“Would you mind taking me to the hospital?” I asked.

“Why, what's wrong?” He asked.

“Well, you're going to be an uncle sooner than expected.” Airin was silent for a few seconds.

“Oh SHIT! Be right there!”