Cross My Heart

The next three days were long and boring. There was not much talk going on between the band and myself. Josline spent most of her time texting back and forth to Josh, Mariah and our dad; when she had reception that is.

We had dropped Keith off first. He wanted to go back to his apartment. I could tell Josline didn't want him to go back, but it's what Keith wanted, and he needed to have the closure. Josline was dropped off, and she looked super relieved to actually be home. I knew Josh was going to be there for her.
Marque and I got home, and we made sure to lock up the van so no one could get in. Luckily we were on the second floor of the apartment complex, so I could just book it down the stairs if I had to.

Marque went to bed first. He wanted to help back some things into the apartment. I told him I would do it, since I wasn't that tired. I brought in the guitars, bass,Marque's and my microphones. The drum set was getting old, so it didn't really matter if it was stolen. Keith usually kept the sound board. Josline had a guitar and a microphone. When I put everything back into the spare bedroom, I just sat down on the couch, unable to bring sleep upon myself. I gave up and went to my computer. I turned it on and checked all the band's things, like Facebook, MySpace, and twitter. I checked my own Twitter, and just saw that my @ replies had just exploded from little messages from fans. I could only imagine what Keith's looked like. After I checked my Twitter, I just stared blankly at the computer screen. I would move my mouse around the screen aimlessly, but I did nothing. I felt like I just wanted to curl up in a little ball in my chair and die. That is how badly I felt about everything. When faced with situations like this, I did what I always did. I became nearly lifeless. I would cut off most means of communication from every one. I would just block everyone out. It worried Marque when that happened. He didn't want me to become suicidal. I had a history of suicide attempts, and suicide related problems, but I always had something pull me out of that. It may of been Marque, it may have been my sister and cousin, it may have been music. It may have been a combination of them. What ever it was, I was grateful for them. I hadn't done drugs since I was 17, smoked, or cut myself since I was 18. I had been completely clean of all of that. And life was better without it.

I had dozed on and off on the couch after I peeled myself away from the computer. I finally gave up on sleep around 8 in the morning. I sat up and started to doodle in one of the notebooks on the coffee table. Marque woke up an hour later and looked at me strangely. “Why didn't you come to bed last night?” he asked me.

“Couldn't sleep.” I said.

“Oh...well, do you want some breakfast?” Marque asked.

“Not hungry.”

“Do you need help with anything?” I don't know what it was, but something inside me snapped.

“No, Marque. I don't need your fucking help. I don't need your sympathy, and I don't need you poking you nose in my fucking business.” I barked at him. There was a stunned silence. My rigid body softened and I turned my head. I expected Marque to be really upset, but he just had concern written all over his face. “I'm...I'm sorry Marque. I didn't mean to yell at you.” I got off the couch and hugged him.

“I'm used to it.” Marque said. I held him at arms length.

“You're...you're what?” I sputtered.

“I'm used to you lashing out. I've been with you for how long now? You get like this when something traumatic happens.” Marque explained. “You are one of these unexplainable people, but I've learned to expect certain things with you.” he said. Marque really was too mature for his age. “Anyone who didn't know you, would be extremely hurt by what you just said. Me? I understand that you are going through a hard time. I respect that you need to vent in your own little way. Granted, I will always be worried about you when you do act out like that, but I know you don't mean what you say, and that you love me.” Marque said.

“What in God's name did I do to ever deserve such a sweet guy like you?” I said. I leaned down and kissed Marque. I looked up at the ceiling. “Seriously, what did I do?” Marque laughed.

“You were you. You STAYED you. You never changed for any one. You've stayed the obnoxious, loud-mouthed, lovable guy I fell in love with.” Marque smiled. I smiled as well. I didn't know what I did to end up with Marque, but it was great, whatever I did. I don't think I could of been happier with Marque. He was the most understanding person I had ever met.

“Marque, do you know how much I love you?” I asked.

“Enough to marry me?”

“Enough to stay with you for 6 years, to live with you, to marry you, and to possibly start a family with you in the future. THAT is how much I love you Marque Baxter. Or should I say, Marque Jaulby? Or would I be Airin Baxter? Or would we combine our names to make it Jaulby-Baxter, or Baxter-Jaulby?” Marque was laughing my entire rant.

“How about..we figure this out closer to the wedding?” Marque asked, standing on his toes to kiss the tip of my nose.

“Sounds like a plan.”