Cross My Heart

Three weeks had gone by since Josline got in her accident. She really wasn't interacting with people as much any more. She would either sit in our bedroom, or downstairs, all day. She didn't speak to me, unless she had a question, or I asked her something. One of the saddest things was, she wouldn't pick up or hold Finley anymore. Her left arm and hand shook violently if she used it for a long period of time. She couldn't write, play guitar or piano, or draw (which she loved doing) for more than 2 minutes. Her fingers would cramp up, and the pain she experienced in her hand was almost too much to watch. It hurt me knowing that I could do nothing about her pain, and I had to sit back and watch her cry every single night out of pure frustration.

I had settled for just surfing the internet one day. I hadn't been talking to Josline, and Finley was taking a nap for the 80th time that day. I was attempting to reply back to e-mails that I was receiving, and I got quite a few in a day. My head snapped around when I heard a frustrated sigh come from the kitchen. Then, things hit the floor. I heard some rustle of paper. I set my lap top down on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen. Josline was sitting at the table, all of her paper, pens, paint and books were on the floor. She had her elbows propped up on the table, her forehead pressed against her palms. She was shaking lightly. I took a step in, and the floor creaked making Josline look up at me. Her face was twisted with frustration and hurt.

“Josline? What did you do? What's wrong?” Josline didn't sat anything to me. She got out of her chair and started to pick up all of her things on the floor. I just watched her. She was as sketchy as sketchy people came, so I didn't want to do anything to freak her out. I noticed her arm was shaking before she set everything down on the table. She looked to of calmed down enough, so I tried to talk to her. “Josline, are you okay?”

“Josh, fuck off.” I stared, a little bewildered, at her. She said it under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to hug her. She pushed me away, and hard. I stumbled back a few paces. Josline may of been small, but she was tough. She could knock any one down a few pegs if she was pissed off enough.

“Josline...come on. Don't...don't act like this.” I said, trying to be calm. I took another few steps forwards. She kept trying to back away, but just backed into the table. There was really no place she could go. I finally got my arms around her after she hit me in the chest a few times. She tried to hit me while my arms were wrapped around her. I wouldn't let her go. If she had to knock me out, she could of, and knowing her, she wanted to. She tried to get out from my grip. I was not going to let go of her, no matter what. Finally, she just gave up, became motionless. Her head rested against my chest.

Josline completely broke down right there. I wrapped my arms around her tighter, and she snaked her arms around my body. I just let her cry. I didn't know what to do. Crying girls were sometimes hard to deal with. I couldn't handle it when Josline cried, because it hurt me knowing she was in that much pain, that she was that torn up about the situation.

“Josh, I'm useless.” she whispered. I held her out at arms length.

“What?”

“I'm useless Josh! I can't do anything!” She was crying through her tears, making desperate gasping noises. “I can't write, I can't play any musical instrument. For fuck's sake! I can't even hold my child with out the fear of dropping him wash over me. I hate this feeling of being useless Josh.”

“Josline...you're not useless!” I said.

“But...I feel useless.”

“You're not. Stop saying you are.” I said. I looked her right in the eyes. “Josline, do you know how much it hurts me knowing that you're in so much pain, and knowing that you feel this way about your self? Do you know how badly it hurts knowing I can't do anything about it? If I could, I would take all your pain away and feel it myself so you wouldn't have to.”

“I'm really not that important...”

“But you are! Josline, you're my life. You and Finley are my life. You're my family. I don't think I've ever cared about any one as much as you. I never thought I would actually find someone who puts up with my shit every day.”

“I don't know what you see in me...”

I frowned lightly. Comforting a girl had to be the most difficult job on the planet. I pulled her in close to me, so I could rest my chin on top of her head. “You are a beautiful person. You have to be the most stubborn, tough-ass bitch I have ever known. But you are really sweet, and genuine. Your 'in-your-face-don't-give-a-shit' attitude is what attracted me to you. You're a strong, confident young woman, and you're a damn fine human being.” I said to her. “And Josline, just remembers, no matter what happens to us, I will always love you. There will always be a special place in my heart for you. You are ALWAYS going to be in my life. If you have to wake me up at 3 AM, even if it's just to vent, go ahead. I want to be there for you. I don't want to be hurting along side with you. I want to help you get better.” Josline looked up at me, her eyes brimming with tears.

“You promise Josh?”I smiled at her and kissed the top of her head.

“Cross my heart.”

A few days had gone by after the incident in the kitchen. Josline was seeming a bit more happy around everyone. I was talking to Matt when he was over one day. “How is she doing?”

“Pretty well, actually. She actually did the dishes all by her self last night, and she only dropped the dishes in the water 3 times. “

“Wow, that really is an improvement. Wasn't she not able to even hold anything in her left hand for a week or so?” I nodded.

“I think she's actually trying to get better.” I said. I heard Finely cry from his room. I got up to go get him, but Josline zoomed by me.

“I've got it.” I watched as she walked down the hallway to Finley's bedroom. I quickly followed her, Matt did as well. I peeked into the room, Josline picked Finley out of his crib and held him in her arms. She seemed genuinely happy.