Finding Myself

Matt picked me up on Saturday for the movie. We talked, shared popcorn, and laughed at the lame joking we both attempted. We were walking back to his small blue and grey truck. "I love your truck," I touched the hood and knocked on it. "Pure metal ain't it?" I asked.

I saw a smile creep onto his face. "Yes it is. Why are you so interested in it all of a sudden?"

I smiled, "every other truck these days are made of plastic. Have you ever noticed that? They aren't real like these geezers" I teased lightly.

"Hey! this geezer of a truck has personality, and it just so happens that it may look old on the outside but this baby has a good engine underneath her." Matt smiled my favourite smile. I knocked on the hood again. "She doesn't like when you do that."

"Oh well, I'm sorry. You named her?" I rubbed the hood making my way to where Matt was standing by the drivers door. "What's her name, Matt?"

"I named her Sadie. She has this certain vibe to her that I just had to name her Sadie," he said while trying to fight back an eye touching smile, but it showed after he said her name. I could tell he was feeling awkward for telling me he named his truck... but I found it cute.

“Would you like a ride to school on Monday? Or do you have one already?” he went on, changing the subject, his cheeks went a light red. He stared at the ground, “I mean, that’s if you don’t take the bus…I’m going to shut up now.”

I laughed, “No I don’t take the bus. And no, I don’t have a ride to school on Monday.”

Matt stopped from looking at the ground and looked down to my eyelevel and smiled. His smile reached his eyes and a sense of happiness fluttered in my stomach, I couldn’t help smiling also. I could feel my cheeks going red too.

Was I really having the butterflies? Was I really blushing with him?

“So where are we stopping?” I asked playfully. "I'm starved."

He took my hands, carefully, scared to hurt me. “I wanted to ask you…”

“Ask me what?” I frowned looking at the ground.

“If you’d want to be my girlfriend?” he turned his gaze from our hands to his own feet. He let loose of our intertwined fingers, then I frowned.

“I want to…but I don’t want to rush things…I mean I’ve been through so much,” I felt my voice go shaky.

“It’s ok, I knew you were going to say no anyways. Friends?” he forced a fake smile.

“I think it’s best,” I smiled.

I like Matt, but I don’t want to move things too fast. I haven’t even talked to anyone about what happened. Isn’t that what I should do? Talk it out? Grieve that I’ve lost my innocence to the very wrong man who was a supposed ‘friend’?
I wonder why no one has attempted to talk to me yet…

“We can talk about it if you want,” Matt broke the silence.

There we go.

“Yes I would, would you care to listen?” I asked. I smiled when he tightened his grip with my fingers again. He answered in a careful nod. “Thanks, it means a lot.”

Matt opened the truck door for me and let me in first, "Mademoiselle. We're off to McDonalds."

---- ----- ---- ----

I awoke in the morning, feeling as ugly as I did every morning. I groaned and rolled over…it didn’t hurt as much when I went on my side anymore. I skipped three days of school, and I have to start on Monday for sure, or my mom will ground me. All I have to do is survive Sunday…

I got up and off the bed towards my closet. I stopped in front of the mirror door. I looked like shit, my hair was in a tangled mess, my makeup from last night was caked under my bottom eyelashes. Ugh, I hate life and its little things. I laughed to myself, my pants were twisted from its original place on my hips.

I opened the door to my closet and grabbed my bathrobe hanging behind the door, I turned heading for the bathroom across the hall from my moms room, closing both my closet and room door.
--

During my shower I contemplated phoning Matt again. I told myself I could do it. I mean what’s so hard on picking up a phone and dialling a number? I mean it’s only Matt, I know how he feels about me, and oh god, I rejected him. I gulped, feeling bad. Well it’s not my fault, hoping not to sounded conceited sounding, in my head.

I found myself sitting on the living room couch staring at the phone on the coffee table in front of me. There was an empty cup beside it, I grabbed it, went to the kitchen and washed it. I felt better that the one smallest and randomest obstacle in my life was removed, yes it was only a dirty cup, but I felt it was necessary for me to get rid of that first.

I still don’t know why I can’t phone him. Apologise? Tell him I’m sorry I rejected him?

I went back to the couch and sat there, staring again. I sat up straight, still staring…expecting no one important to call to distract me. I slid to the end of the couch and picked up the receiver and dialled…

“Matt? This is Jacey,” I smiled like an idiot.

“Hey Jacey, how are you?” he asked. So sweet.

Ahah, “I’m good. Hey Matt, I wanted to thank you. You know for listening to me. And for driving me back home last night…I’m sorry…ok, I’m calling because I feel weird, just something I can't describe,” I said feeling foolish.

“Oh, its no problem. And I forgive you, but don’t feel sorry.. and I can say I relate to how you feel right now..” he said.

I was glad I got that out, and was glad that he felt the same.. “Would you like to start over maybe?”