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Finding Myself
six.
Sunday, church days. Not that I go to church, I was just raised to know that Sunday was church day. Sometimes I wondered why mom told me that Sunday was church day when she never took me there. Dad took me more than twice, I could remember it all. He’d get me dolled up and we’d go and meet his ‘church friends’. I remember once he encouraged me once to go up and sing with some of the other kids. We sat in pews facing a cross with Jesus on the cross, and we’d pray. He’d kneel on his knees and pray and thank the lord for everything that he has and whenever he was done praying, he’d breathe a sigh of relief and kiss the top of my head.
If only dad was here today, he passed away not long after. He said if we prayed everyday, the lord will answer our prayers. I believed him, every night for the following two years…I prayed that maybe, he could bring my dad back. He never came back, I learned that with time, that no matter how much I prayed, the amount of tears I cried, he was never coming back.
Mom walked in on me, once. Hours after she put me to sleep one night, she saw me crying and praying and confused as to why the lord didn’t answer me. She explained to me in another way, where my dad went. ‘A better place, a place of happiness’ that night we cried together and talked about dad, his highs, his best, his funny moments. I think that was the night, me and mom learned to let him go…
I lay in bed wondering on how it would be if dad was still here. Would we still be happy? Would my parents had a slight chance of getting back together again? Would he have went to out neighbouring city and got shot?
I could feel my eyes watering. Whenever I thought of Billy that way, I smiled, because I missed him still. And that I couldn’t wait for my own happiness…for me my happiness would have to be with him.
My thoughts were brought back to reality when I heard my mom shuffling around in her room. I snuggled deeper into my blankets and pillows. I wished that the bed could swallow me from my pain and hurting.
My mom peeked into the room. “Jace? How are you? Up for some McDonalds breakfast?” she walked into my room seeing that I was awake. “I’m too lazy to cook,” a grin spreading across her face.
“I’m all up for it. Can I get a happy meal toy though?” I smiled like I was a little kid and snuggled into the blankets again. My mom smiled and sat next to me on the bed. She ruffled my shoulder length black brown hair, she kissed my forehead and stood up and headed to her bedroom, “be ready in twenty minutes.”
I smiled in response, “ok.”
----------------
Monday, Monday, Day after ‘church day’. I smiled, Matt would be here soon. After the awkward, yet helpful date ever, I wanted to see him. Matt had this new place in my heart, he would be patient with me and I knew it. As for him, I would be scared if I lost him now, because we grew closer in the last few days…and to be honest, I liked it.
I went and took my shower, contemplated certain clothing, and then put some make-up on. I’m not like most girls that cake on the eyeliner, I go for the simple mascara and light shadow, I don’t have much blemishes so I have a cover-up bottle that is pretty much obsolete hanging around for ‘those days’.
I grabbed all of my homework, and shoved it into a new and crispy backpack. I tried to fill it up so I could have a reason to stick around my locker the extra 2 minutes. I don’t like school, the spare time, lunches and breaks. I hate the extra delivered time offered to me by my school schedule. I wasn't used to it...still.
By now I’m guessing you’re thinking that I am very opinionated, I am when it comes to it. But usually it’s only for the things that affect me in life. Time affects me in life, I don’t want to waste any of it waiting for a second bell, or buzzer. I wanted to live it to the fullest…look where it got me, raped, scared and lonely.
I was scared because I didn’t want any one to take advantage of me anymore, I wanted something real, something on if I look back on it, it could make me cry, or laugh. I got raped because I didn’t realize I was being taken advantage of. I should have known.
I was lonely because I knew that dad would’ve been here to help me with all of this, he would’ve been insanely mad…I laughed, because whenever dad got mad it was over stupid reasons. Because he was gone and this situation wasn’t stupid, I mentally slapped myself and sat on the bed beside the new backpack.
I sat there dazed, thinking too much. I wasn’t in the crying mood so I picked up my backpack and decided to continue on with life…
Matt came knocking on the door while I was slumping down the stairs. I smiled and ran to the door. Grinning like an idiot, I greeted him at the door, “Hi Matt. Morning there cowboy.”
“Cowboy? Where? Oh, me, thanks” he pretended to be sweet.
“Here is to restarting, now get me to school hot-shot” I smiled, and threw my stiff back-pack at him. I don't know why I was acting like this.. maybe I just needed to get out of house and thrown back into school.
“Holy sh-…what the hell is in here, don’t tell me you murdered someone and shoved them into your backpack,” he over-exaggerated.
“Yeah, I put one of my teachers in there, he was not nice at all,” I joked lamely but Matt laughed and small lines formed beside his eyes from laughing. I smiled and realized I was staring at him, with my eyes fixed on his lips…not to mention my mouth was slightly open. I shook my head and closed my lips tightly and sighed, was this now so awkward. I decided to stare at my feet and then I sighed again.
“Kiss me,” he said calmly. “If you really want to.” His cheeks went instantly red. “Sorry”
All of a sudden, it wasn't awkward and I realized I was waiting for an invite... I leaned in and kissed his lips that were slightly parted and pulled away instantly. With my eyes closed I unconsciously muttered, "Oh, snap."
If only dad was here today, he passed away not long after. He said if we prayed everyday, the lord will answer our prayers. I believed him, every night for the following two years…I prayed that maybe, he could bring my dad back. He never came back, I learned that with time, that no matter how much I prayed, the amount of tears I cried, he was never coming back.
Mom walked in on me, once. Hours after she put me to sleep one night, she saw me crying and praying and confused as to why the lord didn’t answer me. She explained to me in another way, where my dad went. ‘A better place, a place of happiness’ that night we cried together and talked about dad, his highs, his best, his funny moments. I think that was the night, me and mom learned to let him go…
I lay in bed wondering on how it would be if dad was still here. Would we still be happy? Would my parents had a slight chance of getting back together again? Would he have went to out neighbouring city and got shot?
I could feel my eyes watering. Whenever I thought of Billy that way, I smiled, because I missed him still. And that I couldn’t wait for my own happiness…for me my happiness would have to be with him.
My thoughts were brought back to reality when I heard my mom shuffling around in her room. I snuggled deeper into my blankets and pillows. I wished that the bed could swallow me from my pain and hurting.
My mom peeked into the room. “Jace? How are you? Up for some McDonalds breakfast?” she walked into my room seeing that I was awake. “I’m too lazy to cook,” a grin spreading across her face.
“I’m all up for it. Can I get a happy meal toy though?” I smiled like I was a little kid and snuggled into the blankets again. My mom smiled and sat next to me on the bed. She ruffled my shoulder length black brown hair, she kissed my forehead and stood up and headed to her bedroom, “be ready in twenty minutes.”
I smiled in response, “ok.”
----------------
Monday, Monday, Day after ‘church day’. I smiled, Matt would be here soon. After the awkward, yet helpful date ever, I wanted to see him. Matt had this new place in my heart, he would be patient with me and I knew it. As for him, I would be scared if I lost him now, because we grew closer in the last few days…and to be honest, I liked it.
I went and took my shower, contemplated certain clothing, and then put some make-up on. I’m not like most girls that cake on the eyeliner, I go for the simple mascara and light shadow, I don’t have much blemishes so I have a cover-up bottle that is pretty much obsolete hanging around for ‘those days’.
I grabbed all of my homework, and shoved it into a new and crispy backpack. I tried to fill it up so I could have a reason to stick around my locker the extra 2 minutes. I don’t like school, the spare time, lunches and breaks. I hate the extra delivered time offered to me by my school schedule. I wasn't used to it...still.
By now I’m guessing you’re thinking that I am very opinionated, I am when it comes to it. But usually it’s only for the things that affect me in life. Time affects me in life, I don’t want to waste any of it waiting for a second bell, or buzzer. I wanted to live it to the fullest…look where it got me, raped, scared and lonely.
I was scared because I didn’t want any one to take advantage of me anymore, I wanted something real, something on if I look back on it, it could make me cry, or laugh. I got raped because I didn’t realize I was being taken advantage of. I should have known.
I was lonely because I knew that dad would’ve been here to help me with all of this, he would’ve been insanely mad…I laughed, because whenever dad got mad it was over stupid reasons. Because he was gone and this situation wasn’t stupid, I mentally slapped myself and sat on the bed beside the new backpack.
I sat there dazed, thinking too much. I wasn’t in the crying mood so I picked up my backpack and decided to continue on with life…
Matt came knocking on the door while I was slumping down the stairs. I smiled and ran to the door. Grinning like an idiot, I greeted him at the door, “Hi Matt. Morning there cowboy.”
“Cowboy? Where? Oh, me, thanks” he pretended to be sweet.
“Here is to restarting, now get me to school hot-shot” I smiled, and threw my stiff back-pack at him. I don't know why I was acting like this.. maybe I just needed to get out of house and thrown back into school.
“Holy sh-…what the hell is in here, don’t tell me you murdered someone and shoved them into your backpack,” he over-exaggerated.
“Yeah, I put one of my teachers in there, he was not nice at all,” I joked lamely but Matt laughed and small lines formed beside his eyes from laughing. I smiled and realized I was staring at him, with my eyes fixed on his lips…not to mention my mouth was slightly open. I shook my head and closed my lips tightly and sighed, was this now so awkward. I decided to stare at my feet and then I sighed again.
“Kiss me,” he said calmly. “If you really want to.” His cheeks went instantly red. “Sorry”
All of a sudden, it wasn't awkward and I realized I was waiting for an invite... I leaned in and kissed his lips that were slightly parted and pulled away instantly. With my eyes closed I unconsciously muttered, "Oh, snap."