Put Love on Hold

The ride to the airport was silent—awkward even. Brendon had thought of trying some small talk or something so that it wouldn’t be so quiet, but he knew that Ryan would see through his façade. Brendon was sure that Ryan hadn’t bought his cheerfulness this morning and so figured there’d be no way that Ryan would continue to act like Brendon was fine. So Brendon stayed quiet.

Ryan didn’t bother talking as well. He figured anything he had to say would just make things worse than things seemed to be. He could try and reassure Brendon. Tell him that he’d probably find a job in no time at all and Brendon would join him in New York before he knew it. But even Ryan didn’t believe that. He knew that finding a job wouldn’t be easy. Ryan hadn’t had any luck back in Las Vegas and he doubted that it’d be any easier in New York. Luckily, though, Ryan had a friend he could stay with in New York. At least he wouldn’t be homeless.

When they reached the airport and parked, Ryan and Brendon got out of the car. Brendon grabbed one of Ryan’s bags and Ryan grabbed the other. They continued to stay silent as they entered the airport and went to find Ryan’s gate. They stopped before airport security and Brendon set the bag he was carrying onto the floor. He knew this is where they were going to say goodbye. Ryan set his bag down as well. When he looked at Brendon, Brendon was looking at the ground with his hands in his pockets.

“Brendon,” Ryan said, breaking the silence between them. Brendon looked up and Ryan almost changed his mind about leaving. Brendon’s eyes exhibited a look of sad loneliness and Ryan hadn’t even left yet. And somehow he felt like this was his fault.

Without saying anything else, Ryan moved closer to Brendon quickly and wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Ryan buried his face in the crook of Brendon’s neck, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. A moment later, Ryan felt Brendon shift slightly before Brendon’s arms were locked around Ryan. Ryan pulled his head back so that he could look at Brendon.

“I love you, Bren,” Ryan said quietly. Brendon’s eyes looked away from Ryan’s quickly, staring at something in the distance. “Please look at me. Please, Brendon.”

Reluctantly, Brendon allowed his eyes to meet Ryan’s eyes.

“I love you,” Ryan said again. “Can you just believe me for once? I love you so much Brendon.”

“I know you do,” he said quietly.

“No you don’t,” Ryan said. “I know you never believe me, but I’m telling you the truth.”

Brendon looked away again.

“Look at me Brendon,” Ryan said. He did. “Just believe me for once, okay? I know this isn’t easy for you to have me leave, but it isn’t easy for me either. I’m going to miss you so much and it’s killing me that you’re not going to believe that for one second.”

Ryan knew that Brendon wanted to look away, but Brendon resisted the urge. Part of him wanted to believe Ryan. He really did want to believe him. But the more he tried to believe, the more he doubted it. Ryan sighed.

“I have to go,” he said. Ryan placed a hand on Brendon’s cheek, moving his face closer to Brendon’s. “This isn’t forever.”

Ryan moved forward more until his lips were on Brendon’s. Brendon was unresponsive as Ryan kissed him for a moment. Ryan knew that there was no convincing Brendon and Ryan could feel his eyes start to sting with tears that were beginning to form. Ryan stepped away from Brendon and this time Ryan was the one looking away.

“I’ll call when my plane lands,” Ryan said quietly. Brendon watched as Ryan walked away. A moment later and he was gone. With his hands in his pockets and head down, Brendon left the airport to go back to his empty apartment.

As Ryan sat in his seat on the plane, he looked out the little window and let the tears fall. It was over. He just didn’t believe it.